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catalyst2069 — Masters
Published: 2005-05-26 09:53:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 89; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
In broad daylight we startedtowards the desert wasteland
past the temple of departed
and into the hot and dry sand
Days seemed to last forever
the sun was burning us down
some said it would be clever
if we'd stayed back in our town
Yet returning was now worse
for we have walked too much
so some may rest their corpse
some may feel death's touch
Nothing could scare us now
for we have nothing to lose
but for our last sacred vow
to free ourselves of all abuse
That thought fuelled our brains
made our hearts beat faster
so what if the sun all drains
the sun is no longer our master
We are masters of ourselves
and we pull the strings of fate
the path may have tricky curves
but we'll get there even late
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Comments: 4
An unusual peice, I am assuming that "we" refers to most of mankind, perhaps there is a hidden context I am missing.
I loved the last verse, flowed beautifully
"We are masters of ourselves
and we pull the strings of fate
the path may have tricky curves
but we'll get there even late"
The last line was especially, chuckle worthy.
Now the criticisms.
One thing I noticed reading through, was that almost all of the stanzas contain half-rhymes.
The words between lines rhyme, but it's as if there is one syllable (sp?) missing from the rhyming line. Thus, as you read through, you sort of trip on some of the lines. Just a thought.
Other then that well written
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thanks for spending time to read what i wrote,i hope u enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it
i am by no means a pro in poem writing
i just think of it as a way to express things indirectly
yet i will consider your comments and hopefully next time things will be better
👍: 0 ⏩: 0