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catnipcutie — Ashes to Ashes
#love #pain #blood #helpme #saccharine #stardust #trigger #triggerwarning #triggerwarning_selfharm
Published: 2016-01-03 23:51:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 309; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 0
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Description
Do you ever love someoneso much that it resounds,
reverberates
in your soul?
Do you ever hurt so much,
so much that it feels
like fire in your veins
and you just want,
you want to bleed,
Bleed to stop the burning?
And you tell yourself you shouldn’t,
you shouldn’t
for that person
that you love.
Do you?
Tell me,
do you bleed?
Running my fingers
down
and
up
my
arms,
Trying to forget how much I’m
missing you.
Oh, darling
Veins are strange,
lines like the branches of trees
We are stardust and
the dirt of this earth
Ashes to ashes
Stardust to Star-
dust
oh, god
I want to bleed
Saccharine words and
Saccharine smiles, I
tell you I’m okay.
I'm not alright, oh,
someone
HELP ME.
No one comes.
I breathe out a quiet laugh
a laugh not pleasant,
laced with tears and sighs
and rage.
I laugh.
Ashes to ashes.
Stardust to Stardust.
From ashes you come.
To ashes you return.
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Comments: 5
I don’t think anyone could have those sorts of extreme emotions, as they’d be liable to explode. Hell, there were times I felt like giving up on something, and even that doesn’t compare to this.
This cry for help, this sense of depression and helplessness, the expression of deepest love… it seems quite clear thanks to the hyperbole of bleeding; in a sense helping me understand that this person is as vital to your life as the blood in your system. The emotion is clear as you try to block those memories, but continually seem to fail.
Repressing them only seems to make them come back, stronger and deadlier than ever. In a similar way, much like Elsa from that animated film I need not mention (Seriously, everybody knows it. 
There are also good visuals added into the writing such as bolding and italics to really drive home particular messages. However, I do think that the ‘running my fingers’ part could be tweaked a little by indenting the ‘my arms’ part a little further on the page. Split them up and indent them under ‘and’ and ‘down’ respectively, and it’d not only make a nice arrow shape, but it would further enhance the visual, in my opinion.
The final laugh emotes the idea that the world has grown soulless, cold and hopeless. Needless to say, it’s not pleasant, but it’s effective. Overall, some real fine free-verse work on display. Keep up the good work.
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thanks for the idea on the indentation, I really like the way it looks!
I myself am somewhat surprised I haven't spontaneously combusted or something... Thank you for the depth of your comment, I really appreciate it! I'm so glad you liked my poem
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Personally, I thought that indentation WAS the original idea, but just left incomplete. It did look a little strange.
And hey, maybe you're surprised you haven't exploded just yet, but perhaps you're playing down the fact you're a lot stronger than you let on. It could be anything. Anyway, you're very welcome and take care now.
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haha thanks for letting me know!
thanks... <33 you take care too :33
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