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catnipkitty — Avarice
Published: 2007-08-04 19:44:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 148; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Description
Gold tumbles from the skyInto your eager hands,
Yet the greed in your heart
Will never be quenched
The more you have
The more you want
To take
Take
Take
For yourself,
As you deprive
Hungry mouths that
Weep at your feet
Like a dragon
You guard your hoard,
Gloating over the
Accumulating treasure
That shines in your eyes
You are blind with greed,
Gold is all you see
As it tumbles
Tumbles
Tumbles
From the sky,
Into your hands
And down
To your feet
Comments: 14
fantastic imagery and pace. I love the rhythm.
-A.C.
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... By the way, (in response to the above comments) I do believe in Hell, but I do not believe in deadly sins. They are a Catholic myth not present in the Bible.
About the poem now! I think that it may be beneficial to the tone of the poem to leave out the word "greed" entirely, if it is possible to avoid it. Somehow, it seemed to be too concrete in a poem built on metaphoric imagery. I like the repetition of the words "take" and "tumble" - it builds on the Rule of Thirds and adds a nice ringing feel to the entire piece.
At the beginning of stanza 3, perhaps you do not want the addressee to be "Like a dragon" but simply "A dragon." Leaving off the like would add extra dimension: it would be more accusatory (which may be positive or negative), and it would also allow for other aspects of dragon to seep into the character of greed - the eagerness to devour and destroy for self-gain, in particular. Additionally, this is more a poem of metaphor, and "like" a dragon is simile instead, so it might give the poem added consistency.
Um, that was long.
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In my religion, there is no hell. 
I'm not sure if I want to change them now.......if I decide to, that will be a challenge for later. I usually don't have much inspiration after I have completed a poem, which is why I usually don't re-write them. 
Thanks for voicing your opinion!!
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Heheh, no, I am Lutheran. And the 7 deadly sins are indeed a good concept to work from; I will not argue that they can be deadly, or at least destructive, in this life. (Which leads to the thought that it would make for some interesting poetry to delve into the consequences of the 7...)
I see. It is a good thing to vary it up, too. And dragons are quite an interesting cultural/mythical phenomenon. They are mentioned in many cultures, and in many varying forms.
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Yeah, they have a reputation of eating away at people. That's a good idea though....delving into the consequences of the 7 deadly sins.
They are interesting. My sister was a little upset with me because she really likes dragons and felt that I was "picking on them".
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I think I may be guilty of all seven sins. Does that mean I'm going to hell?
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I don't believe in hell.
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Awwh 
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