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catnipkitty — Lust
Published: 2007-08-04 19:53:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 79; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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Description
She dances with the DevilIn the flames of desire
Her long locks of ebony hair
Billow about her voluptuous curves
And shine like a raven's feathers
Under the moonlight
She taunts men
With smooth, pale skin
And emerald eyes that lure and capture
Her limbs move,
Flowing like liquid
In the dance of temptation
As she holds her arms out to you
To join in the dance
Darkness clouds all thoughts
And you are lost,
Filled with sinful pleasures,
In the fires of lust
Comments: 4
Good feel, good imagery. Brings to mind gypsies at midnight and firelight. Definitely well-written. But as to expressing lust, the ideas might be better expressed if the thoughts of the men watching this woman were also discussed, even if only in one additional stanza. You hint at this in the final stanza, but I think it is almost lost in the rest of the poem.
(I know, I'm being almost excessively detailed. But these are excellent poems, and deserve feedback to further refine them or to help you keep in mind for the future what makes these poems good.)
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Thanks! 
I was trying to go for a more physical approach to lust. If it were something different, I might have used the thoughts running through this man's mind, but for this specific poem I would rather not.
I appreciate you giving your opinion though!
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I see. Having a concrete image rather than flimsy thoughts does work very well in this poem, now that you've mentioned that that was your intention.
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