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Published: 2008-06-05 17:17:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 309; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 5
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Description
Trapped in a white train of death, I swear,to love, have, and to hold, I swear.
That night held a foreboding wind
and clutched me with icy hands, I swear.
It tickled whispers upon my ears and
told of the vicious love you'd give, I swear.
Your grasp was rough and seething with anger;
that night, your kisses came through your fists, I swear.
When morning rang the doorbell and woke me to tears,
the Furies sent gifts of malice to me, I swear.
And though you feel so strong and triumphant,
I will bring the end of you, I swear...
Comments: 11
scheherazadenerai [2009-01-24 02:36:11 +0000 UTC]
'your kisses came through your fists'
^Best line. Great, powerful poem
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
catnipkitty In reply to scheherazadenerai [2009-01-24 04:41:25 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
RockerByBaby [2008-06-12 06:49:52 +0000 UTC]
This is a tricky piece, but in a successfull manner. It goes from love to lust to a promise of revenge, seemingly I mean.
Few typos:
"vicious" and "seething"
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
catnipkitty In reply to RockerByBaby [2008-06-12 16:34:11 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! And thanks for telling be about the typos...I'll go fix them now!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Infrunitas [2008-06-06 01:06:16 +0000 UTC]
Nice structure! I like how the whole piece comes to life with little emotional tidbits in between to show the speakers true intentions. My only crit would be to i swear the last one
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
catnipkitty In reply to Infrunitas [2008-06-06 03:29:37 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Do you mean put "I swear" in both lines of the last couplet? I'm a little confused...
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Infrunitas In reply to catnipkitty [2008-06-07 12:11:15 +0000 UTC]
italisize one or two of them. Make it feel more like a whisper
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catnipkitty In reply to Infrunitas [2008-06-07 17:54:47 +0000 UTC]
Ohhhhh...gotcha! How do you put stuff in italics on here? I've tried, but I can't seem to figure it out.....
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Infrunitas In reply to catnipkitty [2008-06-11 21:27:28 +0000 UTC]
you use < i > and < /i> without the spaces between the < and the >
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catnipkitty In reply to Infrunitas [2008-06-12 03:22:25 +0000 UTC]
Ok, thanks! I'll go do that now then!
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