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Description
“What Does Your Car Run On?”
“Granny.”

Do you have a loved one in a nursing home? Don’t you feel like there is nothing you can do but sit and watch their slow degeneration? Depressing isn’t it? Through the corridors of old age homes, wheel and shuffle many forgotten citizens. The elderly have grown to be a burden on our society. I propose the simple solution of shooting everyone from the age of seventy and up to prevent them from living on to suffer later. We will put their bodies to use by using them for fuel; thus diminishing our dependency on oil and gasoline and, at the same time, saving space in our cemeteries.

So when did all of this begin, you ask? Why, just this past year! Studies show that twenty percent of America’s population consists of the elderly. And that’s not even counting the baby boomers, our generation’s parents (or as some of you might call them; our dictators). The fact of the matter is that most of these elderly folk can no longer care for themselves. They have become parasites; feeding off of the young citizens that care for them. But there are a few current and proposed solutions to this little problem of ours. For example, living wills have been popular with many; but there are problems with this solution. Unfortunately, these expensive pieces of paper have one major flaw. How are you supposed to know every single medical problem you will encounter later in life? Clearly, this “current solution” isn’t a solution at all! Still, many are blinded by the doctor’s advice to purchase one. A second solution is the DNR or do not resuscitate order. Many of the more reluctant parasites, however, become stubborn and refuse to sign such a document that clearly looks out for their well-being. One woman, when asked if she would sign a DNR to save her children the burden of having to care for her, said, “Maybe. Maybe I want them to be burdened!” It’s people like these that we must watch for in the future. They will be the trouble-makers. Finally, the proposed solution that is slowly becoming popular is the proxy directive. Heard of it? This allows the patient to choose a relative or close friend to decide what they want to happen to them if they can not think or speak for themselves. (make a face) Would YOU want someone else to decide what is “best for you”? I know I wouldn’t. That would be too much of a burden on his/her heart.

Now, for the second time, I present my solution. We will take the parasites to slaughter houses and shoot them ten at a time. Then we will turn their bodies into different types of fuel. This process might seem barbaric, but be comforted by the fact that they will be blindfolded! They won’t even need earplugs; we’ll just take their hearing aides. Shooting these elderly would provide us with solutions to other problems as well. Using their bodies for fuel will conclude our dependency on oil and gasoline. As we stand now, “fossil fuels provide 85% of the world’s energy sources.” That is a lot of exhaustible resources. Many experts doubt that petroleum reserves will last longer than the year 2050! So why not switch to a better, inexhaustible source? Not only will my plan better our resources, it will save space in our cemeteries. Think of how much more space we will have for building houses and other types of buildings! People would no longer need to buy plots of land in the cemetery that only serve the purpose of taking up valuable space.

Still, many citizens want to choose what will happen to them. They want to spend large quantities of money on living wills. They want to try the new proxy directive. They want to sign a DNR if problems become too severe. Sure, it would be wonderful if every citizen was supplied with living wills! It would be absolutely incredible if new technology was developed that could decipher what the patient wants in the event that something happens they didn’t expect.

Shooting everyone 70 and up will prevent the elderly from suffering in their rooms at the nursing home. Using their bodies for fuel will stop our dependence on oil and gasoline, and our cemeteries won’t take up massive amounts of space anymore. When I grow older, I will be comforted by the fact that I won’t be a burden on my children. And furthermore, I will be of more use to the needs of our society. I hope for a better solution to emerge; but until that time, this is the best solution I see.

Description
“What Does Your Car Run On?”
“Granny.”

Do you have a loved one in a nursing home? Don’t you feel like there is nothing you can do but sit and watch their slow degeneration? Depressing isn’t it? Through the corridors of old age homes, wheel and shuffle many forgotten citizens. The elderly have grown to be a burden on our society. I propose the simple solution of shooting everyone from the age of seventy and up to prevent them from living on to suffer later. We will put their bodies to use by using them for fuel; thus diminishing our dependency on oil and gasoline and, at the same time, saving space in our cemeteries.

So when did all of this begin, you ask? Why, just this past year! Studies show that twenty percent of America’s population consists of the elderly. And that’s not even counting the baby boomers, our generation’s parents (or as some of you might call them; our dictators). The fact of the matter is that most of these elderly folk can no longer care for themselves. They have become parasites; feeding off of the young citizens that care for them. But there are a few current and proposed solutions to this little problem of ours. For example, living wills have been popular with many; but there are problems with this solution. Unfortunately, these expensive pieces of paper have one major flaw. How are you supposed to know every single medical problem you will encounter later in life? Clearly, this “current solution” isn’t a solution at all! Still, many are blinded by the doctor’s advice to purchase one. A second solution is the DNR or do not resuscitate order. Many of the more reluctant parasites, however, become stubborn and refuse to sign such a document that clearly looks out for their well-being. One woman, when asked if she would sign a DNR to save her children the burden of having to care for her, said, “Maybe. Maybe I want them to be burdened!” It’s people like these that we must watch for in the future. They will be the trouble-makers. Finally, the proposed solution that is slowly becoming popular is the proxy directive. Heard of it? This allows the patient to choose a relative or close friend to decide what they want to happen to them if they can not think or speak for themselves. (make a face) Would YOU want someone else to decide what is “best for you”? I know I wouldn’t. That would be too much of a burden on his/her heart.

Now, for the second time, I present my solution. We will take the parasites to slaughter houses and shoot them ten at a time. Then we will turn their bodies into different types of fuel. This process might seem barbaric, but be comforted by the fact that they will be blindfolded! They won’t even need earplugs; we’ll just take their hearing aides. Shooting these elderly would provide us with solutions to other problems as well. Using their bodies for fuel will conclude our dependency on oil and gasoline. As we stand now, “fossil fuels provide 85% of the world’s energy sources.” That is a lot of exhaustible resources. Many experts doubt that petroleum reserves will last longer than the year 2050! So why not switch to a better, inexhaustible source? Not only will my plan better our resources, it will save space in our cemeteries. Think of how much more space we will have for building houses and other types of buildings! People would no longer need to buy plots of land in the cemetery that only serve the purpose of taking up valuable space.

Still, many citizens want to choose what will happen to them. They want to spend large quantities of money on living wills. They want to try the new proxy directive. They want to sign a DNR if problems become too severe. Sure, it would be wonderful if every citizen was supplied with living wills! It would be absolutely incredible if new technology was developed that could decipher what the patient wants in the event that something happens they didn’t expect.

Shooting everyone 70 and up will prevent the elderly from suffering in their rooms at the nursing home. Using their bodies for fuel will stop our dependence on oil and gasoline, and our cemeteries won’t take up massive amounts of space anymore. When I grow older, I will be comforted by the fact that I won’t be a burden on my children. And furthermore, I will be of more use to the needs of our society. I hope for a better solution to emerge; but until that time, this is the best solution I see.