AshleyLeopard [2008-02-01 05:43:31 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful imagery- I like the part about the reflection bowl, like it's forcing the protagonist to look at him/herself.

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RockerByBaby [2008-01-30 04:58:47 +0000 UTC]

You put thought into these metaphors/imagery, hmm??

Great poem!


"Refletion" in the second stanza = "reflection"

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Infrunitas [2008-01-29 15:02:35 +0000 UTC]

*if commaeriod Forced should be capitalized

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Infrunitas [2008-01-29 15:02:02 +0000 UTC]

Don't feel bad, we as poets must interpret the world through our eyes.

For this piece, I like the concept and the pretty words ^.~
But i would toy with the punctuation a little:

Abandoned in a
desolate landscape,
forced to harvest
dying dreams of happiness-
watered by crystal tears
from a rusted reflection bowl-
forged from pathetic self-pity
and adorned with an
astringent malice
'round the rim

The harvest thins
and the reflection bowl
runs dry,
For the optic orb
is waterless and sore,
and too weary to
shed more
diamond tears for you


I apologize if I overlooked some of the significance. This is just a general run through and can be freely overlooked. My main concern in some of it is the verb choice such as "run" and some other casual terms. You seem to be bleeding from your soul as you cry in anguish until you recover and realize the other isn't worth it. The first stanza sounds better to me if I incorporate some form of person ("I am forced") but that's just an aesthetic touch. I also toyed with the last line to see if it ended better with more or carried on. Once again, the only right answer exists in the poet's mind. I tried to avoid using periods because of the form you used in the piece. If you truly want to neglect them, definitely use the capitalization to your advantage. Hope I wasn't too severe!

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