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cherrichan13 — The Same Damn Thing
Published: 2010-10-27 04:48:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 1154; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 16
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Description
"Sleep," you said. So I slept. I buried myself under a pile of moth-eaten quilts and stuck my fingers through the holes. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feeling of the rough wool on my skin, the smell of dusty attic boxes. I breathed deeply, expanding my lungs as far as my constricting ribcage would allow. In, out. In, out.I added oil to the flame; you burned out.
The shabby little shutters on the windows are cracking. The paint is peeling away, and the hinges are squeaking. Late at night, I like to pretend that is the sound the door will make when you finally come find me.
Your life is entangled with mine, vines twisted farther and farther inward. Don't pull out on me. I don't think my vines can stand on their own anymore.
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Comments: 66
Wonderful, Kerri.
There's some really awesome imagery in here.
I love the lone line. I think it's one of my favorite parts.
I also really love the first paragraph.
The last paragraph reminded me of something Jon would write.
A few suggestions.
"skinny" and "constricting" seem a bit redundant.
But yeah. That's as close to a critique as I've ever come.
Great job, m'dear.
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Hm. The first idea is interesting, and something to think about. I'd have to come up with a better adjective, which I will work on. As for the other two, you're absolutely right, and I will fix them.
Thank you!
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Glad I could be of service!
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The lone line is actually great! It ties it all together very nicely.
Overall, very well... not haunting persay but it definatley stays with you.
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If anything I'd expand this reminicence as far as you can. Right now this piece seems like a wad of dough- in the specific case it hasn't been stretched as far as it will go. As far as it has been stretched so far, though, doesn't yet show signs of strain. I promote: keep going.
The middle line is uninvolved, though esoteric enough to be a young idea, that which one manifestation of the presented subject might have. The audience has no further investment than this spice of character, however.
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Hm. Okay, I'll see what I can do. I have a little trouble writing in anything but short bursts, I think.
Yes, I think I'm going to move it to the end and change the wording, as a couple other readers suggested.
Thanks for reading/critiquing!
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"The shabby little shutters on the windows are cracking."
^ This is perfect! Just absolutely perfect.
Beautiful, beautiful, and written exquisitely. You shouldn't worry about how much you submit, as long as you're writing; of course, I'd always encourage anyone to seek another's opinion on their work, so either way I'm happy.
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You're right, I shouldn't. I do, of course, but I shouldn't. This was a step for me, since no one helped me edit beforehand. I'm going to try and keep doing that. (:
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In my opinion, the solitary line doesn't match up. The rest of the poem is filled with soft, time-full words. Peeling, cracking, that sort of thing. And then you've got the 'violent' word--explosion. It just doesn't fit properly.
I am also not a fan of the last line, the thorns bit. It's too obvious, too melodramatic. I think it would be a stronger ending all together if you full-stopped after 'anymore.'
But overall I like the tone of this piece. There aren't any lines that stand out in particular, but the general intensity behind it all both soothes and disturbs. I also like the phrase 'skinny lungs.' Interesting adjective, that.
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