HOME | DD
cherrichan13 — The Same Damn Thing
Published: 2010-10-27 04:48:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 1154; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 16
Redirect to original
Description
"Sleep," you said. So I slept. I buried myself under a pile of moth-eaten quilts and stuck my fingers through the holes. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feeling of the rough wool on my skin, the smell of dusty attic boxes. I breathed deeply, expanding my lungs as far as my constricting ribcage would allow. In, out. In, out.I added oil to the flame; you burned out.
The shabby little shutters on the windows are cracking. The paint is peeling away, and the hinges are squeaking. Late at night, I like to pretend that is the sound the door will make when you finally come find me.
Your life is entangled with mine, vines twisted farther and farther inward. Don't pull out on me. I don't think my vines can stand on their own anymore.
Related content
Comments: 66
Thank you very much for the critique, I think you're right.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Whew! I'm glad-- you never really know where the artist is trying to get with something, so I was following my gut with that critique; I'm glad it steered me right, and was actually a help.
I can't wait to see the revision. Good luck!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Following instinct is always the best way. Or you get a new perspective. All is good. (:
I edited it again. Thanks!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I just added a comment, rather than write up a full critique, again; I really liked your edit. It seems that the more that changes, the more doors you find opening... I guess the trick is knowing when to say, "STOP!"
It's a beautiful piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so much. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome. It's been my pleasure.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
For such a short piece, this is both intense and gripping. The visuals really sold it to me; I can feel your narrator's quiet desperation.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hm. Quiet desperation. I like that. Thank you! (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Rather, thank you for sharing this; commenting is the easy part.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow.The emotions involved with this poetry is so powerful and yet so touching.We all have someone in our lives for without whom we will be vines without trees to support them.I really loved this analogy of the vine.In my humble opinion I cannot find anything wrong with it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh, I'm glad you liked it. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You are welcome
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well in that case you shall hence forth be known as tomato face
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This piece is so short, yet you manage to set up a vivid and quietly powerful mood. More than just creating a clear setting, your descriptions add a deeper dimension and I feel like they help characterize the speaker. I like the last paragraph in particular- the metaphor was interesting and I love how you ended it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That's sweet, thank you very much!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
you're prose is like poetry, with the flow and beauty and vision but not the format. <3<3<3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hehe x) of course hun
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really like this. 
I don't think I like "skinny" in the "skinny lungs" phrase.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you, love.
Either the "constricting" or the "skinny" has to go. I haven't decided which yet. But I do love input.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No problem.
They're both still there.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
"Your life is entangled with mine, vines twisted farther and farther inward. Don't pull out on me. I don't think my vines can stand on their own anymore.
I added oil to the flame; you burned out."
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"I added oil to the flame; you burned out.
Your life is entangled with mine, vines twisted farther and farther inward. Don't pull out on me. I don't think my vines can stand on their own anymore."
?
LOL. I love the revision. But the revision opens doors to new possibilities... The italics were a nice addition, too. Overall, really nice work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes, I like that, too! I'm still deciding where to put that line, it could go in a few different places. I'm looking over it now.
Thank you very much! (: You were a great help.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wait, you moved the singular line, didn't you?
I liked it where it was before.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes, I'm thinking about moving it back again, if for no other reason than I get sick of my ridiculous cookie-cutter writing, which I do not plan but seem to happen anyway. :roll I need an intervention.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're not cookie-cutter. Don't even.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I have one thing a bit out of that format/topic/whatever that I'm working on and I'll be writing (hopefully) different stuff for scholarships soon. So we'll see how that goes.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Good luck, m'dear.
Anything I can do to help, just let me know!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Will do. I'll get there eventually. First I have to find the time.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Free time is an elusive creature, is it not?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes. *Proves this point by answering this message three months later*
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
this is wonderful.
i think the 'in, out, in out' part would look really nice in italics, but that's just me. other than that, i love it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you, dear.
No, I think you're right. Indigo said the same thing. I'll fix it as soon as I get a chance, it needs a few other edits. I'm glad you like it. (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
oh, welcome.
good luck!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I didn't ask you for a critique, now did I?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Aw, you know you love it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i don't remember what this was about....
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
| Next =>