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ClamShellHeart — pressure
Published: 2009-10-18 02:42:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 1124; Favourites: 15; Downloads: 11
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Description "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm a tech. I'm teching things," He told me without looking up from his hands.
"Huh?"
He paused, twisting around to face me with an odd look in his eyes. "I'm about to blow this place to bits."

Watching the mines go off from the air was like watching goose bumps ripple over skin.
"Tech to base, mission complete." I heard several other confirmations, including the one from the person up in the copter, manning the feed I was watching.
"Base to tech, confirmed." I heard in my ear. The people around me took off their headsets and began to leave.

I looked around for something- a reason he might have had, like a target. There were only trees. "Why?"
"It's a test. I'm testing new weaponry. No one lives here, right? It's no major place?"
"Hm-mm, not here."
He let me watch him. It was a land mine. He was chomping on a piece of gum like it was nothing, he laughed at how tense I was. The explosion was something else.

Back at base I sat, half listening to the people who passed through my office. A Private threw a list of names on my desk.
"You could always change," He said.
"Don't speak unless spoken to, Private."
The kid looked back at the Command Sergeant.
"But she's killed so many people, aren't you supposed to take the name of the last one to fall? Out of respect?"
The Command Sergeant looked at me.
"It's fine. Private, you're dismissed," I said without looking at the list.
"But-"
"Dismissed."

"I can teach you how to make them."
I looked up at him. "Really?"
"Yeah. You'll end up in the underground military, though."
I made a point of looking over the surrounding forest. "I ain't got nowhere else to be."
He smirked. "I'll introduce you to the Colonel."

Around 2am I picked the list up off my desk. It was the first time I'd looked at anything of the sort in a while.
"Is it a tradition for tech-specialists to be unable to sleep?"
I turned. It was the Command Sergeant.
I smirked. "Tech isn't like the rest of this military. It's a lot more than learning to fire a gun."
"They don't teach techs. They find them. They're not beaten into the underground military, they're coaxed. To be coaxed, there needs to be bait." Command Sergeant used my words. We'd had this discussion before.
I looked down at the packet. The first name was the last recorded person to die because of my weaponry.
I flipped to the last page.
"Craig Dustin Barculo," I read.
"Never made it past Staff Sergeant," The Command Sergeant said with a small sad laugh.
I didn't look up.

He didn't have a car, so we'd ended up taking a three day hike back to base. Clearance reasons, was his excuse.
"My name's Pressure," He'd told me.
"That's an odd name," I'd replied.
"It's not my real name, stupid," He chortled threw his chewing gum.
"A name you took?" I asked.
He paused for a minute, his eyes glazed.
"Nah… It was given to me…"

"You don't have to keep that name for me," The Command Sergeant said. "Not for me."
"I'm not keeping it for anyone. I didn't take it for anyone except myself," I told him.

"There you go, you're getting it. That's a decent landmine. Good enough to test, even." The base was amazing, but the tech building was magic. Me and him practically lived in the workshop.  If I hadn't known any better, I'd say he brushed his teeth with that gum in his mouth. I grinned. "I'll show you how, c'mon."

"You know, he didn't want me to take his name. He didn't want to be remembered."
The Command Sergeant looked at his feet. "You know, that's another tradition among Tech's."
He left, then. I threw the stack back on to my desk.

"Kid, remind me again, what's your name."
He didn't look much different than he ever had. His face was a mess, his clothes were dirty… I couldn't remember how to breathe. "E… Eleanor."
He laughed, broken only by the fluid that had found its way to his throat.
"Not anymore."

I flushed thoughts from my head, laying back.

"My names not Eleanor." I'd told the Command Sergeant before I'd had an office and before he was the Command Sergeant. "And I'm not a Private anymore."
"Than what exactly are you?" He'd asked.
"PFC. My name's Pressure."
"You can't take a name that someone else took," He told me.
"He didn't take it. It was given to him. And now he gave it to me."
Related content
Comments: 44

Valros [2010-03-29 19:29:35 +0000 UTC]

This is quite an interesting story. I hope it's part of a larger one, because it raised a bunch of questions in my mind (a good thing, though).

One small grammatical nitpick: "Me and him practically lived..." should be "He and I practically lived..."

Other than that, though, good stuff!

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Valros [2010-03-29 22:49:28 +0000 UTC]

i'd like to make it into more, but as of now i have nothing to add.

i am aware of that and it is intentional. the character who is telling the story wouldn't be grammatically correct, i don't think.

thank you.

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Valros In reply to ClamShellHeart [2010-03-30 01:54:47 +0000 UTC]

Ah, I thought it might have been intentional. That makes sense.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Valros [2010-03-30 02:22:38 +0000 UTC]

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MerlinxSwordfishII [2010-01-14 12:10:59 +0000 UTC]

Certainly a well-deserved DLD!

I don't know how much of it you've changed in the meantime, but I'd like to point out that I disagree with *RavensScar .

The term 'underground military' that you used, is a perfect fit in my opinion. Even though you never concretely explain what it is exactly, you can (easily?) figure it out yourself by reading between the lines. Personally, I think the same goes for the characters. We don't need to read a lot of words describing their characters to get connected to them.

I guess what I mean is that you wrote this very well and that there really is a lot more to it than just the words you wrote down

Thanks for sharing this work with us!

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ClamShellHeart In reply to MerlinxSwordfishII [2010-01-16 20:55:17 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much!
I truly appreciate it, I am happy you liked it ^^

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tetemeko [2010-01-14 01:51:21 +0000 UTC]

This is particularly impressive. I enjoyed it! Congrats!

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ClamShellHeart In reply to tetemeko [2010-01-16 20:55:37 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much!

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DrawingInTheSky [2010-01-13 23:59:02 +0000 UTC]

VERY awesome, love the focus on the characters rather than the militia they're with congrats on the DLD

~Dits

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ClamShellHeart In reply to DrawingInTheSky [2010-01-16 20:55:45 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much!

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DrawingInTheSky In reply to ClamShellHeart [2010-01-16 21:11:28 +0000 UTC]

no prob!

~Dits

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DailyLitDeviations [2010-01-13 23:29:58 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to DailyLitDeviations [2010-01-16 20:56:33 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much!

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DailyLitDeviations In reply to ClamShellHeart [2010-01-17 15:46:31 +0000 UTC]

It was our pleasure.

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TheMaidenInBlack [2010-01-05 16:04:41 +0000 UTC]



I really like the idea, the plot and way of writing you have. However I would add some more "background" and story details to it, sometimes it's difficult to understand.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to TheMaidenInBlack [2010-01-05 21:42:17 +0000 UTC]

it's supposed to be ambiguous, though i am trying to work on a back story.
i appreciate your feed back.
thank you.

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TheMaidenInBlack In reply to ClamShellHeart [2010-01-05 21:53:09 +0000 UTC]

Oh, I understand.
You're welcome, and lovely username you have.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to TheMaidenInBlack [2010-01-05 22:15:52 +0000 UTC]

hehe, thank you

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itsaki [2010-01-04 02:52:07 +0000 UTC]

This piece has at one point been submitted for feature to =DailyLitDeviations by myself, so is now part of a monthly feature here: [link]

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ClamShellHeart In reply to itsaki [2010-01-04 02:55:43 +0000 UTC]

OH wow, thank you!
not to be a bother, but i cannot find the feature on the page
can you point it out, please?

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itsaki In reply to ClamShellHeart [2010-01-04 02:57:25 +0000 UTC]

'tis under January 1, underneath the big DLD icon and the two little blurb sentences.

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itsaki [2009-12-31 23:41:55 +0000 UTC]

the settings for an epic story, I must say.Is there more of this, I'd like to read it all... ^^ I'm writing a book sort of with the same element, like the Techs and stuff...
but I'd have to say, very good, coming from a sci-fi writer, at least ^^

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ClamShellHeart In reply to itsaki [2009-12-31 23:44:53 +0000 UTC]

haha, thank you!

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itsaki In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-12-31 23:47:01 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome! ^^

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theBSDude [2009-12-31 23:07:29 +0000 UTC]

This is very nice. Minor grammar point "Me and him" is objective case; you need the subjective "He and I." I understand the narration is technically a person speaking, and "He and I" sounds quite formal, so maybe you should consider "We."

As for what lures them, I don't know. If I had to guess, I'd say "Creation and honor," but I don't have any real basis.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to theBSDude [2009-12-31 23:11:22 +0000 UTC]

thank you, i will look into that
I'll have to find where you're talking about before i know weather I'll change it though. -skims-
Thank you! ^^

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theBSDude In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-12-31 23:29:24 +0000 UTC]

Sorry. I just ctrl-f (find).

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RavensScar [2009-12-31 18:47:36 +0000 UTC]



Ok, first off, this piece is intriguing. The format is fairly unusual, and it does hold interest.

'What do you think lures them?'

Unfortunately, I have to be bluntly honest, and say I haven't got a clue. I can't help but get the feeling as a reader that I'm constantly being robbed of the little pieces of information required to piece together the whole picture. You make several references to the 'underground military', but this is never explained. As a reader, I have no idea whether this is the underground, as in a resistance force, or a special-ops branch of another military, or something else entirely. This means that I don't really feel I can make any judgement beyond guesswork as to the actual situation.

Moving on. Your characters do capture the imagination, with the small snatches of information you give about them. Unfortunately, in the length of this piece, I didn't feel I was really given enough time or information to connect to them.

Finally, just a few small grammatical points:

...the people who passed threw my office. A Private threw a list of names on my desk.

You use threw twice in in this section. The second use is correct, the first use isn't; it should be through.

A small point on dialogue. Generally, if you going to follow a line of dialogue with 'I/he/someone said', the dialogue should end with a comma, and the he/someone should begin with a lower-case letter:

"You could always change." He said.

Should generally be:

"You could always change," he said.

It's a minor point, but I noticed you were using the former version as standard.

But, overall, this made for an enjoyable and unusual read.

Hope this helps.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to RavensScar [2009-12-31 18:52:32 +0000 UTC]

yes, it does.
thank you.
i will edit the grammatical points.

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RavensScar In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-12-31 22:28:10 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome.

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Sola84 [2009-12-31 18:32:50 +0000 UTC]



I liked the use of past memories of the tech and first being lured to join the military mixed with the current timeline of the person narrating and obviously being in a position of power in the military.

It's quite a nice stand alone piece or a beginning and I enjoyed reading and finding out about the tech's traditions and it wrapped it all up nicely at the end.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Sola84 [2009-12-31 18:50:42 +0000 UTC]

thank you.

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Sola84 In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-12-31 20:16:36 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome

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EnyaStillblood [2009-12-31 17:27:55 +0000 UTC]

Wow. This is beautiful.
I want to read the rest of the story!

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ClamShellHeart In reply to EnyaStillblood [2009-12-31 17:30:01 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!
heh, i tried to work on it last night, ugh i get so sidetracked!
I promise i will try to get more of this out!

Thanks again!

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EnyaStillblood In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-12-31 17:46:28 +0000 UTC]

Yay! There's more!!!!
Please post it soon!!
No problem!

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X-Switch-X [2009-12-31 04:30:36 +0000 UTC]

i really like it, it fels like a prologue to a really good book to me, or first chapter. i also like how most of the writing is only conversation and not so much on the background details, it gives emphasis to the point that the conversation is what's important. the rest can be imagined or not, it doesnt seem to be a big deal. would love to see a continuation of this

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ClamShellHeart In reply to X-Switch-X [2009-12-31 04:45:25 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!
I've been trying to continue it but i have the shortest attention span, i can't concentrate.
Thanks for the +watch and your feed back.
It's much appreciated.

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X-Switch-X In reply to ClamShellHeart [2010-01-01 08:01:36 +0000 UTC]

haha of course, naa i understand it can be crazy just trying to focus ad write

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Noyoucantmesswithme [2009-10-18 06:33:57 +0000 UTC]

You're getting better. I can physically see it. THAT is why I want to get the bad out of the way.

You have some REALLY cool ideas with some REALLY neat characters and scenes... but I can't picture them ANYWHERE. You need to place them in an environment...

And as boring as it may seem, try to describe detail, place them somewhere I can see them. It's more important than you think.

Also, with a bit more effort, you could pull off switching viewpoints very well, but at the moment, it's still a little rough around the edges.


Now for the good.

It's unique, and unlike you. That's always a good thing, you're not married to a genre.

Everything seemed fanciful, but not to the point where it was corny, and that's something that's very too rare in modern writing.

The dialogue is realistic, and that has to come naturally. And you got it down.

And if this is all you plan on doing with it... I don't know, I would have liked to see a clear beginning, middle and end. BUT, if you're leading up to a story to spring from this, if this was the first chapter of something and you switched to a normal story mode AFTER it, well, you would have hit it RIGHT OUT OF THE PARK, this is where I imagine this piece.

All in all, I'm seeing a lot of improvement in your writing.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Noyoucantmesswithme [2009-10-18 17:02:09 +0000 UTC]

I tried to fix the environment issue, let me know if I did a good enough job.

The viewpoint switch I'm not really sure how to fix.

I very much appreciate your inflating of my ego, I hope I kept the same effect after I edited.

I have often thought of extending these short little things I do, but I have never been able focus on a project for more than a week before I get bored of it and want to move on.
Also, if it were for this in particular, I have no idea where I'd go with it. I really haven't thought of it outside of what I have. I don't know where I'd go with it.

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Noyoucantmesswithme In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-10-19 02:32:06 +0000 UTC]

I reread it ((I think... is it edited currently?))

And this time around, I noticed a few quirks, a little bit of improvement...

But that is the beauty of 'a little bit'. That means you can always add another 'little bit' and then another, until it's perfect.

But all in all, besides better visualization and improved overall, same effect, but that's not to say anything terrible, keep the road you're on. I love your writing, but in the future, this is a project I want you to try out for me.

Focus less on experimentation and more on Beginning-Middle-End.

But GREAT job, I love it.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Noyoucantmesswithme [2009-10-19 19:49:01 +0000 UTC]

: D

I been thinking about it (i dreamt about it last night >.> XD)
i'm trying to meld the plot and a character for a different story with the reality of this one. I think it's working out really well.

I'll try to focus on it, but i'm not guaranteeing anything.
And i'm promising you, there is no way in hell (if i post it at all) that it will be chronological. I don't really work that way.

Thanks a ton, i really appreciate it ^^

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Noyoucantmesswithme In reply to ClamShellHeart [2009-10-19 22:51:15 +0000 UTC]

Of course!

Always glad to help.

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