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clinicallybeyondhelp — Safety.
Published: 2006-08-28 18:33:36 +0000 UTC; Views: 352; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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Description
As she slowly moved over his body she cursed her clumsy and accident-prone self, but as she looked back at him her heart fluttered and she was filled with a confidence she'd never felt before. His eyes conveyed a love that she'd denied existing and denied herself previously, but now she had to admit to being a bit of an addict. Her whole body trembled as his hand softly stroked along her arm, he was the most stunning creature she'd ever seen and it dried her throat up everytime she looked at him.She lay next to him, completely fulfilled, and as she gazed at him something lit up in his eyes and they began to kiss passionately, she ran her hands through his curly hair as he softly played with her neck and reached for...
She shook her head, pulling herself harshly from her comfortable day dream... she was almost there and she scalded herself for such a ridiculous day-dream, setting herself up for another fall undoubtably. She walked a bit further, still shaking herself out of that longing feeling. She glanced around and saw him, he was a stunning man and she felt so flattered everytime she saw him, as he noticed her she saw him smile. As they approached each other they embraced and he slid his hand over her neck and she sighed as he began to play with her neck.
"It's real." she whispered as she realised that she was holding onto the man who could be everything that she'd dreamed of and more.
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Comments: 6
beautiful emotion in this piece. it must be nice knowing your dream is your reality.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
A few mechanical edits:
"accident prone" ---> accident-prone
"Her whole body trembled as his hand softly stroked along her arm, he was the most stunning creature she'd ever seen and it dried her throat up everytime she looked at him." ---> semicolon between "arm" and "he" instead of a comma, because both parts of the sentence are independant clauses.
"She lay next to him, completely fulfilled and as she gazed at him..." ---> comma between "fulfilled" and "and" because "completely fulfilled" is an appositive phrase and needs punctuation on both sides.
"She lay next to him, completely fulfilled and as she gazed at him something lit up in his eyes and they began to kiss passionately..." ---> Two coordinating conjunctions = a run-on sentence. One suggestion is to drop the "and" before "They began to kiss passionately" and making it its own sentence.
"...she ran her hands through his curly hair as he softly played with her neck and reached for..." ---> This is also an independant clause not connected by a coordinating conjunction; it either needs a semicolon before it instead of a comma, or it needs to be its own sentence.
"...she scalded herself..." ---> did you mean "scolded?"
"She walked a bit further, still shaking herself out of that longing feeling. She glanced around and saw him, he was a stunning man and she felt so flattered everytime she saw him, as he noticed her she saw him smile." ---> Once again, independant clauses connected only by commas. To connect two independant clauses, you need a coordinating conjunction or a semicolon.
Hope this has helped... the content is very good; it definitely warmed my heart and made me go "awww..."
You must be a wonderful couple; congratulations on making it through 11 months and still sharing love this strong.
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thanks very much. *makes edits*
not hard when the other one is the only thing keeping you sane.
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Hi there.
I'm reflecting what to write for the european contest. I think I'll send you a piece soon.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nice.
Start reading it.. Then you find out she's day dreaming. Thought she was dreaming of some person that probably didnt liked/knows her... Then that.. hehe. me likes.
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