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codegoku — Mira vs Ash the vampire
Published: 2011-08-01 17:21:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 1395; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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Description
Mira Fang was on a demon hunt. Her target was a woman vampire named Ash. She's been kidnapping the king's elite defense force. If not stopped, the kingdom would be defenseless against enemy attacks. "I hate vampires." Mira was walking through a thick forest and huge bugs. She slashed her way through with her sword. Everything went smoothly until she came across 3 hell hounds. The hell hounds had red, spike like fur, medium black horns, wolf figure, and a snake like tail. Their drool burned the ground and fire scorched their legs. Their red eyes glared at Mira.The hounds let out an ear splitting howl. Mira covered her ears but it was so high in frequency. "Damn dogs." The hounds circle around her looking hungry." Mira draws her lightning katana. "Time to die." Mira quickly slashed one in half. Then a hound bit her deep in the arm. "Ahhhhhhhhh." She stabbed the dog in the eyes and the dog fell to the ground dead. "Damn that hurts." The final hound growled at her. "Your dead dog." The hound shot a fire ball at her. "Lightning arrow break." Lightning arrows tear through the fire ball and hit the hound incinerating it. "Man my arm hurt. Her right arm was pouring blood. She sat under a tree.
"You alright young lady." A woman with aqua hair and eyes walked to her. Her body was covered in a white cloak. "My arm is in terrible pain." "Wow." She stares seductively at Mira's arm. "Ahh are you okay lady?" "Oh I'm fine. She takes out a needle." "What the hell do you think your doing?" The woman jumped back. "I'm healing your arm." "Alright." Hurry up though. I'm on a mission." The woman gave her the shot in the arm. "What the?" Mira felt odd. "My visions fuzzy." Mira fell over. "That's it dear, sleep for me and just enjoy."
The woman picked up Mira and took her to a cave. "Time to feed." After a few hours, Mira woke up really weak. "What the!?" She woke up chained to the wall. Her arm stop bleeding but it still hurts like hell. "Hello Mira Fang. Glad to see you're awake." It was the woman from before. The woman started to release dark energy. Her hair turned black, her ears pointed up, she grew fangs, and her nails got sharper. Mira's eyes shot open. "Ash!"
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Comments: 6
Ok, look: you need to get a sense of punctuation. Go read some books and look at what those authors do. When someone speaks, they usually start a new paragraph. Your paragraphs are random and don't make much sense where they're put. Also, one mark of a good writer is correct spelling. It means that you've taken the time to go back over your work to see that it was done right. If you don't have a spell check, either have someone help you or carefully re-read your work. Lastly, frequent curse words don't make a story good. Use a bigger vocabulary and your work will flow better, and it won't be so offensive. It's a double win.
Don't stop writing; just learn from what you've done. Keep practicing. I might like to read some of your work again.
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Thanks alot. You really helped me. I will use these tips to become better.
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