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codelyokolayouts — Prologue
Published: 2009-01-13 22:09:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 131; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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PrologueI couldn’t believe they were real. Right in front of my eyes stood two deadly but beautiful creatures. Vampires. Vampires that were, at this moment, feeding on the blood of a young girl; my daughter. The fiends had entranced me with their eyes. They made me see the scene as beautiful but the reality was gruesome. I struggled for my mind, to once again reclaim my thoughts. I peeled my eyes away from the gray and red holes that sucked me in. I knew not to look in their eyes. Why was I being so stupid? A look of astonishment covered the vamp’s face. He didn’t think I was strong enough to pull away. He also didn’t know my heritage.
I rushed the vampires crouching over my daughter. Claws flashed green from my nails. Ominous green fangs appeared in my mouth and my black eyes turned green and gold. I am part dark goddess, part light goddess, and human. They could not defeat me. I struck out with feral claws at the vampires feasting on my daughter and then I woke…
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Comments: 6
my honest and sincere opinion:
First of all, the narrative is disjointed and messy. Sentences jump to ideas and ideas into sentences that unpleasant to the ear. Short sentences are good for expressing terror and rage but when overused they can wreck havoc on a piece. That has occurred here.
Secondly, the main character is hardly sympathetic. part dark goddess, part light goddess, and human. This combination is acceptable if one bends the rules of time, space and contraceptives, or one theorises that light and dark goddesses have spent an absurd amount of time fornicating with humans. It's simple mathematics, and above all, it is common sense. Frankly, making a main character of a fantasy story part-anything is venturing into class A cliche territory.
Thirdly, don't start me on the vampires. Don't.
Finally, the ending is ridiculous. It's a pure Deus Ex Machina, making the whole thing a dream. It cheats the reader out of a proper conclusion, and is a downright shitty way to end anything.
I am happy to say that at least the piece is grammatically sound.
Daniel.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to consider it when/if I rewrite it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love it!!! I want... no, that's not the right word, crave is more like it. I CRAVE more of this awesome work!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
