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    Chapter 6: Council of Nightmares



    Dipper stepped through the front door around dusk. Behind him, Thompson’s van pulled off down the road, and somebody shouted “See you around, dude!” After him. He gave a happy wave over his shoulder as he kicked the door closed.

    He let his chainsaw chaps and vest fall in the entryway, and jogged into the parlor, where he set his backpack down on the table, plopped himself in the seat next to it, and pulled out a book.

    But not just any book.

    This was his book.

    It had a thick blue binding, reinforced corners, and a silver clasp. Its outside was totally blank, save for a silver pine tree. Upon this tree had been written the numeral ‘1’.

    This was his journal.

    He dumped out all the samples on the table next to him. Then he pulled out a pen, opened the journal, and began to write. Everything he could think of. Everything he’d seen. Anatomy, equipment, and behavior of animals. Weaknesses and hazards of spiders. He illustrated everything, drawing detailed pictures of all the animals and plants. He suddenly realized, however, that he couldn’t quite remember how the rocket squirrel looked. He would have to get these pictures developed… He pulled out the disposable camera. Can I develop these on my own? How long would that take? Man I hope they turned out good… Oh well. He couldn’t finish the illustrations now. He’d just keep writing. Shape, size, and design of plants. Thickness and hardness of wood. The various robot bugs he’d seen in rotten pipes and under rocks. A note about how Wendy didn’t even blink at anything they’d seen all day, and how she was second only to Ford in terms of adventuring partners. Maybe even better… He crossed out the part with Wendy, and kept writing.

    Man, what a day. What a heck of a day.

    Suddenly, he paused. Without even looking, he knew that Mabel was standing by the stairs, watching him from behind. She wasn’t usually this silent; something must be making her upset. He made a mental note to double-check if twin ESP was a thing, and addressed her. “Hi Mabel… How’s it going?”

    “Did you find his mom?” Mabel asked.

    Dipper shook his head. “No… No mom yet. Just a lot of crazy stuff. You want to see...? Uh… I mean… What’s wrong? What’s bothering you?”

    “Juan stopped signaling.”

    He turned to face her, and frowned. “…What, his S.O.S.?”

    “Yeah!”

    “…So?”

    “Dipper, that means I’m his mom now! I don’t want to be his mom! I can’t keep caring for him! He’s growing and he’s eating and I don’t own a lot of metal to feed him so I really can’t care for him if he gets any bigger than a dog and besides I don’t want Soos’ power bill to be super huge… And… And I love him, but…”

    “Hey…” Dipper noticed she had the sleeping robot tucked in her arms. However, her face said she didn’t quite want it there. “Hey… That’s not what that means…”

    “Isn’t it?”

    “…Okay, I don’t know, but I’m sure his mom still wants him, and if we showed him to her, they would still complete whatever handshaking signal process they need to interface, and then everything would be all great, and…”

    “But are you sure?” Mabel asked. “What if she doesn’t want him? What if he smells like human now, and she doesn’t recognize him anymore… How will he survive?”

    “Uh… I wouldn’t worry. He’s a pretty fierce little guy…”

    “But look!” Mabel pulled out her phone, and played the video Wendy took of the large robot the day before. “See this? This is his mom, right?”

    “Yeah…”

    “Well look at these! What are those little holes there on her sides?”

    Dipper looked. Sure enough, there was a row of about 4 indents on her right side. The video showed her turning, and there were 4 more on her left. Dipper looked back at Juan. He didn’t have those features. “What do those have to do with anything?” Dipper asked. “What are those, anyway?”

    “They’re those things that all girls have!” Mabel said. “Wendy has them, I have them, Melody has them…! They’re those things for recharging babies! You know those!”

    Dipper blinked. “…Oh…”

    “That’s why Juan sucks on the outlets around the house! Because he thinks they’re nipples! And that means when he goes back to the wild, he’s still a nursing baby! He’ll still need a mom to help him survive! He can’t live on his own, he needs… He needs somebody to care for him until he’s large enough to be his own bot! And then somebody who can teach him how to live and to find food on his own! Aunt Mabel doesn’t know how! He can’t grow to be a good robot by living here!”

    “Mabel, hey! It’s all right! It’s all right… We’ll get him back to his mom! Things are gonna turn out all right, okay? And in the meantime, nobody says you need to care for him… It’s… Mabel, the world isn’t resting on your shoulders right now. If anything, this should be my and Wendy’s responsibility…”

    “But he hates you… He loves me… I’m the only one who can do this.”

    “Ouch. But no, you’re not the only one. You could set up something with your friends… You could train him to deal without you… You could build him a pen… You could take a break…”

    “No! You think just because you and Wendy think you’re ‘heroes’ now, that everybody else isn’t? No! Juan’s world IS resting on my shoulders now! He found his way here, and he saws everyone else, and so I’m the best person in the universe for the job because I’m MABEL and animals LOVE me and I love THEM. I’m… I’m just… He needs more than a human being! He needs his real mom!”

    “We’re working on it.” Dipper promised her. He held up his hand, and showed her the scratches. He pointed to the marks on his cheeks. “We’re working on it.” He promised again, and pointed to his journal. “And I’m working on it now. Research. Documentation. Important stuff.”

    Mabel sighed. “…Okay…”

    Dipper kept writing.

    They heard the RV pull up outside. The Stans were home!

    Dipper hurriedly shoved all the samples back into his backpack, and closed the journal. He wanted to show it to Ford all at once. He’d be so blown away…

    Momentarily, the Stans came walking through the door.

    “Well, we’re back!” Ford loudly announced, for no real reason and to nobody in particular.

    “Home sweet shack.” Stan sighed.

    “Grunkle Stan, what happened to your arm?” Mabel gasped.

    Stan looked down at the sling. “Oh.” He grunted. “Yeah. Well here’s how it goes: we get down there into the alien space wreck, and it turns out there’s no ladders! So, instead of bringing a rope or something practical, Ford suddenly has the brilliant idea of Tarzan-ing around with grapple beams instead!”

    “They’re not grapple beams, they’re magnet guns, Stanley!” Ford sighed. “Huge difference! And was it really all that bad?”

    “You didn’t warn me how powerful those things are!” Stan protested. “It’s only AFTER I dislocate my shoulder that you get around to telling me that one of these things killed Newton! I don’t even know who Newton is!”

    “I said Kilonewtons, Stan!” Ford facepalmed. “As in thousands of Newtons. Newtons are a measure of force!”

    “You bet it’s a display of force!” Stan shook his head. “Killing a man! My gosh. When did I sign up for being ripped apart by murderous tools?”

    “We’ve been doing this type of thing for a year now!”

    “A walk through the most frigid places on Earth is one thing! A fistfight here and there is one thing! But I ain’t Tarzan!” Stan protested. “I can’t just be a monkey or a superhero whenever I want! I’m old! And unless you’ve been hitting the cosmic sand again, you’re just as old! We can’t keep doing this!”

    Stanford sighed through his nose. “Ugh.” He groaned. “Well… You had fun, at least? Learned something, maybe?”

    Stan frowned a moment longer, then jostled his brother in the shoulder. A smile spread across his face. “Eh. What are you on about? ‘Course I had fun, poindexter.”

    “Hey!” Dipper simply couldn’t keep his excitement in any longer, so he piped up, and gestured to his backpack. “Guess what Wendy and I found today!”

    Ford turned toward him, and in one long look, took in the whole situation: Dipper’s sweat-stained clothes, his muddy boots, his cut and bleeding face, his heavy, bulging backpack, the journal clutched tightly to his chest, and his carefree, overjoyed grin. He also took in Mabel: the tiny scratches on her hands, the robot held uncomfortably in her arms, the tired look on her face.

    Ford put his hands on his hips, and frowned just slightly. “What did you find?” He asked.

    “The Forest of Daggers.” Dipper said.

    Ford raised an eyebrow, and Dipper began to tell his story.

    By the time the story was done, Ford had finished looking over the samples. Now he set down the robot spider, and spent a moment in thought.

    Finally he spoke. “Dipper, I really think you should take a… Hmm, a break of some kind.”

    “Yeah, I know.” Dipper said. “Wendy’s gonna try and find us some armor tomorrow, like football pads or something, and then we can go through it safely--”

    “That’s great, but NO.” Ford said. “I mean ALL of this.” He pointed to the meticulous notes in Dipper’s journal, and the razor-sharp samples, and his stained clothes. “You need to step away from this for a bit.”

    “…What?” Dipper’s face slowly fell. “You mean, like, weirdness in general? Any sort of adventure? Any sort of danger??”

    “Well…” Ford scratched his head. “Sort of…”

    “What do you mean?” Dipper frowned. “I’ll be careful; I’ll be responsible… You’ve been doing this type of thing for, like, 40 years now! Why can’t I?”

    “Remember how you turned down my apprenticeship last summer--”

    “Is that what this is about? You think because I said ‘no, not yet’, that I don’t want it at all? I still do! I came back to Gravity Falls, didn’t I? I still want this life, so I still work toward it. And you’re still my mentor. Even when I just had your journal, you always have been. And until you kick the bucket, you always will be. I follow you!”

    “I know, I know… But… I worry about you Dipper. For one, I worry about WHAT you’re doing.” Ford met his eye. “For the past 2 days, you’ve been running around the forest with Daniel’s daughter looking for monsters. Getting yourself lost in strange places, cut all to pieces, into danger, out of danger, sitting in a log filled with killer spiders… If your parents knew what I let you do… You just need to be more careful. Bottom line. More careful.”

    “Okay.”

    “But MOST of all, I worry about WHY you’re doing this. You’re venturing out into the great unknown, getting yourself beat up, making sacrifices, working hard… Then you come home and write in your journal, pretending you’re a big important scientist… But WHY are you doing it? For the sake of the town’s safety? For the sake of science? For the sake of your sister? Or the survival of Juan’s species? Those would be good reasons. But I suspect the bad reasons: When you’re out there, you’ve got a beautiful girl at your side who you want to spend time with. And when you’re back here, you’ve got a respected scientist to look over your work and give you little compliments. You want more than anything to impress both of us. You want the GLORY!”

    “Well… I guess…”

    “You’re running yourself ragged for the sake of people whose opinions shouldn’t matter to you! You’re destroying yourself! And moreover, LOOK!” Ford pointed to Mabel. “MEANWHILE your sister has been stuck at home, babysitting a killer robot all alone. It needs constant attention, it’s chewing on the house, and now she’s thinking this is her fate now. She’s tired! THIS is the very reason you rightly rejected my apprenticeship last summer! Because at this point in your life, you have more important things to do than my nonsense! Do you seriously need me to show that to you? Is this how your life looks now, Dipper? If it is, then I want to stop you here!”

    “But--”

    “Don’t let this dominate you, my boy!” Ford emphasized. “Listen to me, because when I was young, I did the same exact thing! I moved all the way out here, I isolated myself, I distanced myself from my parents, I cut away my friends, I shunned my own brother, all in the name of GREATNESS…” He shook his head. “Greatness is like true love, Dipper. It’s a MYTH. It’s a sparkle in the eye of foolish young men, and nothing more. Don’t be seduced by it.”

    “Romance is a crapshoot.” Stan verified.

    Dipper thought about all this. And he thought about Mabel. And he looked up to apologize to her, but she was no longer standing by the stairs. Sometime during all this, she realized she wasn’t needed, and quietly retreated back to her room.

    Dipper’s eyes fell to the floor. “I get it.” He mumbled.

    Ford walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Mason.” He said, quietly. “If I wanted you far away from danger, I wouldn’t have let you come back here. I do want you to have this life, and for all your dreams to come true. But there’s a difference between using your talents to the best of your ability, and signing your life away to an obsession. I can’t let you fall into the same pit that I did.”

    “Hmm.”

    “I see a lot of myself in you, Mason. More every day, it seems like. And sometimes it makes me proud. And sometimes it makes me angry, because sometimes I hate myself… More than anything, I want you to be a better man than I was… That’s all.”

    Dipper nodded.

    There was a minute of silence.

    “Well geez, Ford!” Stan interrupted. “Can’t you see this kid’s bleeding all over the chair? He looks like he got mauled by a pencil sharpener! Help me with this first aid kit, would ya? I’ve only got one useful arm right now…”

    “We were having a moment.” Ford explained.

    “Ugh.” Stan shook his head. “Is this moment done yet?”

    “Yes.” Ford sighed.

    “Good. Take this rubbing alcohol, huh? Start getting those disinfected. I’ll get the bandages.”

    “Okay… And get some ice for your own arm too! Don’t think I’ve forgotten…”

    “Hey…” Dipper changed the subject, as they set upon him with the supplies. “What were you doing down at Crash Site Omega today?”

    “Ripping our gorram ARMS out.” Stan answered. “As you know.”

    “No, Stan.” Ford laughed. “He means what our mission was. And the answer is that we were exploring. Trying to map out the wreck, diagnose its damage, find out how it works, find more clues as to why it crashed, what happened to the occupants, and in general who these extraterrestrials were.”

    “Did you make any progress?” Dipper asked.

    “OH HO!” Ford’s face lit up. “Did we ever! Remember those giant pillars surrounding the ship’s central chamber, from when we were down there, Dipper? Well, we’re pretty sure that those are artificial gravity generator. The ‘engines’ that propel the ship. And today, we made our way to the center of the ship right beneath those, and guess what we found in that engine room?”

    “What?”

    “A totally locked and sealed control room! And when we broke into it, we found an intact computer terminal! Most of the other mechanisms in the ship had been destroyed by eons of corrosion and decay, but this one had remained perfectly sealed! I worked out an interface with the computer, and most of its data seemed pretty much intact!”

    “Dude!” Dipper smiled. “That’s awesome! So then we’ll be able to recover all their logs? Find out why they crashed? What they were doing? Who they are?”

    “Hopefully…” Ford nodded. “However… Most of the data was lost, since most of the computers were destroyed. We were only able to salvage bits and pieces. And besides… We don’t know the language.”

    “Oh.” Dipper frowned. “Yeah, that’s a problem.”

    “But now for my next surprise!” Ford announced. “I used to believe that if we were to develop an ET-English translation, we would either need a living alien, a huge supercomputer, or decades of work studying their writing. But then!” Ford reached into his coat. “I know it’s crazy, but it turns out that in the 31 years since I was last really down there, human computer technology has progressed forward in leaps and bounds! Behold!”

    He removed a small, flat device from his coat and held it up, to allow the rest of the family to bask in its glory.

    Dipper was unimpressed.

    “It’s just a tablet, isn’t it?” He said.

    “Just a tablet?!?” Incredulous, Ford gasped and spat at the same time. It was an undignified action, and it made him almost choke on his own spit. “Look at it! It’s amazing!” He coughed. He turned it on and began to swipe through the menu with his finger. His eyes had a mesmerized look in them, and he drooled just a bit. “This contains more computing power than I ever would have dreamed of in my day! And data storage? Forget about it! I hooked this up to the computer terminal, and downloaded almost a terabyte of alien data. A TERAbyte, Dipper! In my day, that amount of information was only theoretical!”

    “Heh.” Stan laughed and shook his head. “I always thought those things were just for pirating junk and watching stupid stuff online… Kids poison their minds with it, it make them tame and docile…”

    “I’m just astounded.” Ford shook his head. “This technology is so advanced. Think of it! We could one day do banking and taxes electronically and wirelessly… Or have community-editable world-wide encyclopedias to store knowledge… Or allow the instant sharing and critiquing of the arts… I can only begin to imagine…”

    Dipper rolled his eyes and hid a smile. His Great Uncle may be one of the smartest men alive, but spending 30 years as a dimension-hopping fugitive could make anybody hopelessly dated. “Wow.” He said, trying to hide his sarcasm. “That’ll be the day, huh?”

    “I know…” Sighed Ford.

    “What does this have to do with the language?”

    “Ah! Yes!” Ford returned to the subject. “Well now! NOW! Now we don’t NEED a supercomputer to translate it! McGucket just had to write an ‘app’ for this device! Now, the app is crawling through the data I downloaded, examining patterns, context, and phonetic cadence. If we give it a while to run, it should be able piece together the meanings of certain basic words and sentence structures! And the more data we download, the more the app works, and better the translations gets! When we come back tomorrow… It may be almost comprehensible…”

    “Oh, wow!” Dipper smiled. “That’s awesome! So then we’ll just be able to read it directly in English?”

    “Hopefully!” Ford smiled. “So long as their language follows certain rules of logic and order, and so long as the data isn’t cluttered by too much useless nonsense… Yes. We should be able to decode it.”

    “Nice! Man, McGucket sure is a genius.”

    “Yes.” Ford nodded. “I just hope we find enough data down there to actually be of use… It would be a shame if the only alien records that survived were… Maintenance logs, or stuff like that… I suppose it was just the engine room, after all…”

    “Yeah…”

    Melody took this moment to interrupt. “Dinner’s ready!” She called from the kitchen. “Who wants meat pancakes? Made with processed animal parts and love!”

    “I do!” They all chorused, and made for the kitchen.







    Some time later, Wendy found herself standing in the Gravity Falls town square. She was wearing football pads, chainsaw chaps, thick boots, a tough helmet, and was armed with a great variety of weapons, from axes to knives to a few ray guns. She felt quite prepared to face and kill anything at all. This security made her feel confident and relaxed, so she started walking, in no particular direction.

    She stopped when she passed by the church, however. She had a feeling, deep in the back of her mind, that she had done, or was about to do, something very terrible. Yes, some grievous sin was being held against her. She needed forgiveness. She needed to go to confession.

    She turned to walk toward the church. Old Man McGucket passed her, en route to the same building. As he crested the top of the steps and put his hand on the door handle, he gestured toward her ray guns with a smile. “Don’t worry, feller!” He cackled. “Yer secret’s safe with me!”

    She knew he was talking about her sin. He’d built her the ray guns, and somehow, they were at the center of all this… She would use them to sin, very soon… And he knew it.

    McGucket opened the door to the church, and there was a lot of noise coming from inside. People talking, some song playing. She recognized several of the voices. Soos. Mabel. The Stans. They all sounded very happy. But why were they all here at church? It wasn’t Sunday…

    “What’s going on in there?” She asked McGucket.

    “Eh?” The hillbilly scratched his head. “Why, it’s Dipper, a’ course! Today’s his wedding! Didn’t ‘e tell yeh?”

    Wendy blinked. She was confused, though not altogether surprised. “Oh.” She said. “Well, good for him, I guess. Who’s the lucky girl?”

    “That Northwest lass, a’ course! Who else?” McGucket cackled, and went inside. Through the open door, Wendy spied Dipper standing at the altar next to Pacifica. He was standing tall, and smiling, and wearing a very handsome suit.

    She smiled half a smile. Good for him. Good for him. She thought about heading in and joining the party, but thought better of it. This was his happy day, and he didn’t need it spoiled by somebody like her: boisterous and troublesome and dressed for battle. He didn’t need a Wendy today. Church didn’t need a Wendy today. And besides, she didn’t particularly like the song they were playing.

    She turned to keep heading down the street.

    But a voice stopped her.

    “WENDY! Wendy, you’ve got to stop this!”

    She turned to see Dipper himself, wearing his stinky, dirty shorts and vest, sprinting up at her from the opposite direction.

    “Huh?” She blinked. “Stop what?”

    “The wedding! Duh!”

    “Wait, what? How is this any of my business? You can make your own decisions, so don’t get me involved! And shouldn’t you be inside? You’re missing your big day, man!”

    “No, Wendy!” He gulped. “That’s not me in there! Did that look like me?!? I don’t wear nice clothes! That’s the shapeshifter!”

    Wendy paused for a beat. “Oh.” She laughed. “Ha! Now I get it.”

    “You’ve got to go kill him, Wendy! He’s evil! Lots of people could be hurt or killed and you’re the only one that can do anything about it! Be a hero! It’s all up to you!”

    Wendy looked down at her hands. She was holding McGucket’s ray guns. “Well, now that’s a problem I can fix!” She nodded. “Let’s go!”

    They ran up the stairs to the church, and burst in through the doors. “ALL RIGHT EVERYONE!” Wendy announced. “THERE’S FREE PIZZA OVER IN THE PARK! GET OUTTA HERE AND GO GIT IT!”

    That big, fat dude in a red t-shirt led the way, and the rest of the townsfolk followed him. “Git it! Git it!” The mayor chanted. They all filed out the exits, leaving Wendy, Pacifica, and the Dippers alone in the church.

    The Dipper at the altar frowned. “What are you talking about? I’m not the shapeshifter!” He said. He reached over, grabbed Pacifica’s hand, and pulled her close. “I’m the real Dipper! And I really DO love Pacifica!”

    “Don’t change the subject, short-stack!” She told him. “I don’t care!”

    “And I really…” Pacifica began.

    “Nobody asked you, you walking one-dimensional-bleach-blonde-valley-girl-stereotype!” Wendy commanded. “Step away from him! It’s dangerous!”

    “No, I’m safe! He’s the shapeshifter!” The fancy-dressed Dipper said. “And he’s extremely dangerous!”

    “No, I’m the real Dipper!”

    “No, I’m Dipper!”

    “I am Dipper!”

    “I am Dipper!”

    “WELL WHO DO I KILL THEN!?” Wendy demanded.

    “Him!”

    “Him!”

    Wendy realized that Mabel was still in the church as well. “NO!” The girl cried. “The monster is just misunderstood! He’s actually a really sweet guy deep down, and if you just took the time to know him, you’d see him for what he really is: Happy and adorable! Come on, Wendy! Don’t kill him! Give him a chance!”

    Wendy realized that Soos was still in the church as well. “I don’t know dude.” He shook his head. “Maybe you shouldn’t do anything. Let junk happen. Maybe it’s true love after all.”

    She realized that Robbie was there too, and he was wearing nothing but underwear and flip-flops. “Bruh.” Robbie said.

    “Put on some shoes, Robbie!” Wendy snapped. She was good and angry now, and very confused. There was a monster here, and all her friends (and Pacifica) were right in harm’s way! If she didn’t do something about the monster soon, it would kill them! And then it would be her fault, for not taking action when she had the chance!

    “Listen to your heart!” Mabel pleaded. “Have mercy!”

    “Listen to your mind!” Dipper told her. “You know which one is right!”

    “BUT I DON’T!” Wendy protested. She pointed the ray guns at one Dipper, and then the other. “I’m not smart enough to tell which way is right! I’m not creative or clever enough! I don’t have the wisdom! But I’m the only one who can make this decision, and I need to make it NOW!!”

    Then she heard another voice, quiet and gentle, whisper in her ear. “There’s only one way to be sure.”

    “You’re right.” She realized.

    She leveled the ray guns, and shot both Dippers.

    They crumpled into piles on the floor, bled out, and died.

    “Good job.” The voice whispered. “You’re a hero now.”

    Wendy dropped the guns, and gasped. She had saved the day. She had saved a whole lot of people. She was a hero. But at what price?

    “NO! But look!” Mabel cried. “SEE?” She pointed to the two puddles of blood swelling on the floor. “Neither have green blood! They both bleed red! That means that both were good guys! I was right the whole time, and now you’re a MURDERER!”

    It was all for naught. After all this time, after everything she’d done, she’d been wrong. She’d only ever been wrong. Her entire mission was wrong. She hadn’t done anything righteous at all, and now something precious was dead. Mabel had forever been stripped of her beloved brother. Pacifica had lost her beloved boyfriend. And Wendy… She had truly lost something deep and dear; a friend, and more than a friend… She’d lost her companion, her blood brother. All the good in all the world could never make up for that. Nothing in the universe would ever return the treasure she had destroyed, and there could be no atonement for what she did.

    “No.” She whispered, as she sunk to her knees, and began to weep bitterly. The world darkened and blurred, and she wished she was dead.

    “And now.” The voice said. “It is time for confession.”

    Wendy opened her eyes.

    She was in her room, lying peacefully in bed. The moon shone down through the open window, and the breeze that came through it was cold.

    Oh.

    It was all just a dream.

    Kind of obvious in retrospect.

    It might not have been real, but it had nonetheless left her with a vivid memory, and an all-encompassing feeling of horror and guilt. She wondered for a moment what it meant, what it could symbolize, what she could learn from it, whether such a thing could ever be real.

    But it was just a dream. And, as everybody knows, dreams never mean anything at all.

    She breathed deeply to calm her thundering heart, and rubbed her eyes. When her hands came away, they were wet. She must have been crying in her sleep. Bizarre.

    She turned over in bed, pulled the covers up tighter, and closed her eyes.

    Before once again casting off into the fog of sleep, she opened her mouth and said. “Ugh.”







    “DIPPER, COME QUICKLY! MY FACE IS ON FIRE!!”

    Dipper sat up in bed and groaned. He had learned long ago that Ford’s personal issues were far less serious than they sounded. All it really meant was that he wanted him, and wanted him quickly. Dipper groggily rolled out of bed and made for the stairs, pulling on his pants and vest as he did. Man, this was early… Couldn’t it have waited a little longer? He needed sleep… He glanced over at the bathroom, wondering if he should brush his teeth before heading out.

    Ford seemed to read his mind from across the property. “DIPPER! HELP! IT BURNS!!”

    “All right… I’m coming, I’m coming…”

    It wasn’t a long walk out to the Stan’s RV, and when he got there he found the door open.

    “Ah! There you are.” Ford had just finished shaving, and turned around to greet his nephew with a chipper smile. Dipper tried to ignore the stench of burned hair. “Stan and I wanted to head out early today, and I wanted to show you the results from the samples you found.”

    “Oh… Yeah, those. Right. What did you find?” Dipper asked.

    Stan beckoned him inside, and pointed to several pictures taken from a microscope. “So. Functionally, these things are almost identical to ordinary plants. However, their inner processes are completely different. For instance, their cells are hard and rigid, and therefore can’t divide and multiply in the traditional way. See these nanobots here…” He pointed to some specks on the slide. “They’re tiny. Scarcely larger than a bacterium in our own bodies. I’m not sure what organ the plant uses to manufacture them, but I do know what they do. They travel through narrow channels in the plant’s structure, searching for gaps or damage. When they find such a gap, they lock themselves down, and overload their batteries. This welds them into place, and they become the shell of another cell in the structure. Then it seems that the actual inner workings of the cell are produced somewhere else, and they arrive to fill the shell after the welding is complete. That’s how the plant grows and repairs itself.”

    “Oh…” Dipper nodded. “Cool.”

    “As for material…” Ford continued. “The plants’ bodies are made of alloys containing aluminum, silicon, iron and titanium. The leaves are heavily silicon, and the outer crust is mostly titanium or steel.”

    “Titanium?” Dipper scratched his head. “I… I think I read that titanium is kind of rare…”

    “Very good.” Ford winked. “I was just getting to that.” He turned to the soil samples. “The soil you collected, it isn’t ordinary dirt. Normal dirt is mostly silicon, oxygen, and aluminum, same as rocks. But THIS is about 3 parts in every 10 iron, and 1 part in 10 titanium. Virtually no carbon, and low in every organic compound. Not the same stuff that the normal forest grows on. Normal life can’t use it, whereas this life thrives in it.”

    “That explains why the forest stayed so small.” Dipper nodded. “This must be the only place in the entire world where these species can grow.”

    “Quite right.” Ford nodded.

    “But where did the metal come from?” Dipper asked. “Originally? WHY does the soil have so much metal in it? And where did all the life come from in the first place?”

    Ford laughed, and stood up. “You’re asking the exact right questions, my boy… And I have exactly none of the answers.”

    “Yeah.” Dipper nodded. “Hey, I was thinking about what you said yesterday, and you’re right. I’m gonna take today off. I think I’ll help Mabel build some kind of pen for Juan, so she doesn’t have to watch him 24/7… Then maybe we get together with Soos, and the three of us go to the pool. It’s gonna be hot today.”

    “What are you gonna build the pen out of?”

    “I… I don’t know. He can cut through pretty much anything if he puts his mind to it, so… Either some crazy thick steel, or I was thinking of asking McGucket if he had some kind of magnetic barrier. Is that even a thing?”

    “Umm… Ah! Try glass.” Ford suggested. “Much cheaper.”

    This confused Dipper. “Glass?”

    “Glass is actually incredibly hard.” Ford assured him. “Nearly impossible to cut, dent, or scratch. I don’t believe his saws could get through.”

    “But… Glass… Shatters.”

    “I never said it was tough, I said it was hard. And Juan is sharp, not strong, so hardness is more important than toughness. Get some good thick glass in his way, and I bet he’d be trapped.”

    “Huh. Like an aquarium? A big aquarium?”

    “Try everyday windows. Set up some small, thick windows, caulk them together, and reinforce them on the back side.” Ford reached into his pocket, and produced two coins of stolen Aztec gold. “That should be enough.” He said. “Be careful with those coins, though. Hecka cursed.”

    “Okay.” Dipper pocketed the gold, and worked through a shopping list in his mind. “I can do that.” He nodded. “Buy some windows, build a pen, hit the pool… Plus I have a date tonight, so I should probably prepare for that too…”

    “HEEEEEY!!” Stan peaked out of the RV’s bathroom. “Good for you, Romeo! I always knew you had it in ya!”

    “Heh. Thanks. I guess.”

    “Who’s it with?” Ford asked. “Candy Chiu? I’ve talked to her father; she’s a good catch.”

    “No, uh… Pacifica.”

    “What?!?” Stan gasped. “That Northwest brat? I thought we all collectively hated her! It was a family-bonding-type deal to wish social and/or physical harm upon her! It unified us!”

    “She’s actually pretty nice once you get to know her…”

    “BAH! You turncoat…”

    Ford frowned. “Northwest? They’re kind of… Rich… Dipper, this isn’t a fancy dinner, is it?”

    “Yeeeeah…” He admitted. “But it was either that or horseback riding, so… Wait, actually it was ‘ponyback riding’… Wait, what’s the difference between a horse and a pony?”

    “Oh boy.” Stan shook his head. “Take it from me kid, stick to what you’re good at. Take her to the arcade or something next time. Or to the pool. Or to a movie. Or to tacos. Or to fight club. Or… Las Vegas or something. But never to fancy places. Fancy places don’t fit people like us.”

    “Fight club?” Dipper frowned. “And hold on, what do you mean ’people like us’?”

    “Lowlifes.” Stan explained. “Us dirty, stinky, casual, penny-pinching paupers. There’s nothing wrong with being at the bottom of the food chain, but it sure sets us apart from them.”

    “He’s right, you know.” Ford nodded.

    “Ugh.” Dipper shook his head. “Come on! It’s not gonna be that bad…! I can dress up. I can do fancy…”

    “Don’t ever try to rise to her level.” Stan warned him. “Bring her down to your level instead. It’s less work for both of you, and dirt cheap. And it goes right along with that whole semi-jerk sort of vibe I’ve told you about. Be the ‘bad boy’. The ladies love that.”

    Dipper strongly suspected that this was terrible advice, although he didn’t say so. “Uh… Okay…” He said instead. “I mean, we’ll see how this goes, right?”

    Stan made his way to the front of the RV, sat down in the driver’s seat, and started the engine. Ford sat down beside him, and handed the metal life samples back to Dipper. Dipper turned to leave the vehicle. “Yes. We’ll see.” Ford shrugged. “We’ll see.”

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    Chapter 6: Council of Nightmares



    Dipper stepped through the front door around dusk. Behind him, Thompson’s van pulled off down the road, and somebody shouted “See you around, dude!” After him. He gave a happy wave over his shoulder as he kicked the door closed.

    He let his chainsaw chaps and vest fall in the entryway, and jogged into the parlor, where he set his backpack down on the table, plopped himself in the seat next to it, and pulled out a book.

    But not just any book.

    This was his book.

    It had a thick blue binding, reinforced corners, and a silver clasp. Its outside was totally blank, save for a silver pine tree. Upon this tree had been written the numeral ‘1’.

    This was his journal.

    He dumped out all the samples on the table next to him. Then he pulled out a pen, opened the journal, and began to write. Everything he could think of. Everything he’d seen. Anatomy, equipment, and behavior of animals. Weaknesses and hazards of spiders. He illustrated everything, drawing detailed pictures of all the animals and plants. He suddenly realized, however, that he couldn’t quite remember how the rocket squirrel looked. He would have to get these pictures developed… He pulled out the disposable camera. Can I develop these on my own? How long would that take? Man I hope they turned out good… Oh well. He couldn’t finish the illustrations now. He’d just keep writing. Shape, size, and design of plants. Thickness and hardness of wood. The various robot bugs he’d seen in rotten pipes and under rocks. A note about how Wendy didn’t even blink at anything they’d seen all day, and how she was second only to Ford in terms of adventuring partners. Maybe even better… He crossed out the part with Wendy, and kept writing.

    Man, what a day. What a heck of a day.

    Suddenly, he paused. Without even looking, he knew that Mabel was standing by the stairs, watching him from behind. She wasn’t usually this silent; something must be making her upset. He made a mental note to double-check if twin ESP was a thing, and addressed her. “Hi Mabel… How’s it going?”

    “Did you find his mom?” Mabel asked.

    Dipper shook his head. “No… No mom yet. Just a lot of crazy stuff. You want to see...? Uh… I mean… What’s wrong? What’s bothering you?”

    “Juan stopped signaling.”

    He turned to face her, and frowned. “…What, his S.O.S.?”

    “Yeah!”

    “…So?”

    “Dipper, that means I’m his mom now! I don’t want to be his mom! I can’t keep caring for him! He’s growing and he’s eating and I don’t own a lot of metal to feed him so I really can’t care for him if he gets any bigger than a dog and besides I don’t want Soos’ power bill to be super huge… And… And I love him, but…”

    “Hey…” Dipper noticed she had the sleeping robot tucked in her arms. However, her face said she didn’t quite want it there. “Hey… That’s not what that means…”

    “Isn’t it?”

    “…Okay, I don’t know, but I’m sure his mom still wants him, and if we showed him to her, they would still complete whatever handshaking signal process they need to interface, and then everything would be all great, and…”

    “But are you sure?” Mabel asked. “What if she doesn’t want him? What if he smells like human now, and she doesn’t recognize him anymore… How will he survive?”

    “Uh… I wouldn’t worry. He’s a pretty fierce little guy…”

    “But look!” Mabel pulled out her phone, and played the video Wendy took of the large robot the day before. “See this? This is his mom, right?”

    “Yeah…”

    “Well look at these! What are those little holes there on her sides?”

    Dipper looked. Sure enough, there was a row of about 4 indents on her right side. The video showed her turning, and there were 4 more on her left. Dipper looked back at Juan. He didn’t have those features. “What do those have to do with anything?” Dipper asked. “What are those, anyway?”

    “They’re those things that all girls have!” Mabel said. “Wendy has them, I have them, Melody has them…! They’re those things for recharging babies! You know those!”

    Dipper blinked. “…Oh…”

    “That’s why Juan sucks on the outlets around the house! Because he thinks they’re nipples! And that means when he goes back to the wild, he’s still a nursing baby! He’ll still need a mom to help him survive! He can’t live on his own, he needs… He needs somebody to care for him until he’s large enough to be his own bot! And then somebody who can teach him how to live and to find food on his own! Aunt Mabel doesn’t know how! He can’t grow to be a good robot by living here!”

    “Mabel, hey! It’s all right! It’s all right… We’ll get him back to his mom! Things are gonna turn out all right, okay? And in the meantime, nobody says you need to care for him… It’s… Mabel, the world isn’t resting on your shoulders right now. If anything, this should be my and Wendy’s responsibility…”

    “But he hates you… He loves me… I’m the only one who can do this.”

    “Ouch. But no, you’re not the only one. You could set up something with your friends… You could train him to deal without you… You could build him a pen… You could take a break…”

    “No! You think just because you and Wendy think you’re ‘heroes’ now, that everybody else isn’t? No! Juan’s world IS resting on my shoulders now! He found his way here, and he saws everyone else, and so I’m the best person in the universe for the job because I’m MABEL and animals LOVE me and I love THEM. I’m… I’m just… He needs more than a human being! He needs his real mom!”

    “We’re working on it.” Dipper promised her. He held up his hand, and showed her the scratches. He pointed to the marks on his cheeks. “We’re working on it.” He promised again, and pointed to his journal. “And I’m working on it now. Research. Documentation. Important stuff.”

    Mabel sighed. “…Okay…”

    Dipper kept writing.

    They heard the RV pull up outside. The Stans were home!

    Dipper hurriedly shoved all the samples back into his backpack, and closed the journal. He wanted to show it to Ford all at once. He’d be so blown away…

    Momentarily, the Stans came walking through the door.

    “Well, we’re back!” Ford loudly announced, for no real reason and to nobody in particular.

    “Home sweet shack.” Stan sighed.

    “Grunkle Stan, what happened to your arm?” Mabel gasped.

    Stan looked down at the sling. “Oh.” He grunted. “Yeah. Well here’s how it goes: we get down there into the alien space wreck, and it turns out there’s no ladders! So, instead of bringing a rope or something practical, Ford suddenly has the brilliant idea of Tarzan-ing around with grapple beams instead!”

    “They’re not grapple beams, they’re magnet guns, Stanley!” Ford sighed. “Huge difference! And was it really all that bad?”

    “You didn’t warn me how powerful those things are!” Stan protested. “It’s only AFTER I dislocate my shoulder that you get around to telling me that one of these things killed Newton! I don’t even know who Newton is!”

    “I said Kilonewtons, Stan!” Ford facepalmed. “As in thousands of Newtons. Newtons are a measure of force!”

    “You bet it’s a display of force!” Stan shook his head. “Killing a man! My gosh. When did I sign up for being ripped apart by murderous tools?”

    “We’ve been doing this type of thing for a year now!”

    “A walk through the most frigid places on Earth is one thing! A fistfight here and there is one thing! But I ain’t Tarzan!” Stan protested. “I can’t just be a monkey or a superhero whenever I want! I’m old! And unless you’ve been hitting the cosmic sand again, you’re just as old! We can’t keep doing this!”

    Stanford sighed through his nose. “Ugh.” He groaned. “Well… You had fun, at least? Learned something, maybe?”

    Stan frowned a moment longer, then jostled his brother in the shoulder. A smile spread across his face. “Eh. What are you on about? ‘Course I had fun, poindexter.”

    “Hey!” Dipper simply couldn’t keep his excitement in any longer, so he piped up, and gestured to his backpack. “Guess what Wendy and I found today!”

    Ford turned toward him, and in one long look, took in the whole situation: Dipper’s sweat-stained clothes, his muddy boots, his cut and bleeding face, his heavy, bulging backpack, the journal clutched tightly to his chest, and his carefree, overjoyed grin. He also took in Mabel: the tiny scratches on her hands, the robot held uncomfortably in her arms, the tired look on her face.

    Ford put his hands on his hips, and frowned just slightly. “What did you find?” He asked.

    “The Forest of Daggers.” Dipper said.

    Ford raised an eyebrow, and Dipper began to tell his story.

    By the time the story was done, Ford had finished looking over the samples. Now he set down the robot spider, and spent a moment in thought.

    Finally he spoke. “Dipper, I really think you should take a… Hmm, a break of some kind.”

    “Yeah, I know.” Dipper said. “Wendy’s gonna try and find us some armor tomorrow, like football pads or something, and then we can go through it safely--”

    “That’s great, but NO.” Ford said. “I mean ALL of this.” He pointed to the meticulous notes in Dipper’s journal, and the razor-sharp samples, and his stained clothes. “You need to step away from this for a bit.”

    “…What?” Dipper’s face slowly fell. “You mean, like, weirdness in general? Any sort of adventure? Any sort of danger??”

    “Well…” Ford scratched his head. “Sort of…”

    “What do you mean?” Dipper frowned. “I’ll be careful; I’ll be responsible… You’ve been doing this type of thing for, like, 40 years now! Why can’t I?”

    “Remember how you turned down my apprenticeship last summer--”

    “Is that what this is about? You think because I said ‘no, not yet’, that I don’t want it at all? I still do! I came back to Gravity Falls, didn’t I? I still want this life, so I still work toward it. And you’re still my mentor. Even when I just had your journal, you always have been. And until you kick the bucket, you always will be. I follow you!”

    “I know, I know… But… I worry about you Dipper. For one, I worry about WHAT you’re doing.” Ford met his eye. “For the past 2 days, you’ve been running around the forest with Daniel’s daughter looking for monsters. Getting yourself lost in strange places, cut all to pieces, into danger, out of danger, sitting in a log filled with killer spiders… If your parents knew what I let you do… You just need to be more careful. Bottom line. More careful.”

    “Okay.”

    “But MOST of all, I worry about WHY you’re doing this. You’re venturing out into the great unknown, getting yourself beat up, making sacrifices, working hard… Then you come home and write in your journal, pretending you’re a big important scientist… But WHY are you doing it? For the sake of the town’s safety? For the sake of science? For the sake of your sister? Or the survival of Juan’s species? Those would be good reasons. But I suspect the bad reasons: When you’re out there, you’ve got a beautiful girl at your side who you want to spend time with. And when you’re back here, you’ve got a respected scientist to look over your work and give you little compliments. You want more than anything to impress both of us. You want the GLORY!”

    “Well… I guess…”

    “You’re running yourself ragged for the sake of people whose opinions shouldn’t matter to you! You’re destroying yourself! And moreover, LOOK!” Ford pointed to Mabel. “MEANWHILE your sister has been stuck at home, babysitting a killer robot all alone. It needs constant attention, it’s chewing on the house, and now she’s thinking this is her fate now. She’s tired! THIS is the very reason you rightly rejected my apprenticeship last summer! Because at this point in your life, you have more important things to do than my nonsense! Do you seriously need me to show that to you? Is this how your life looks now, Dipper? If it is, then I want to stop you here!”

    “But--”

    “Don’t let this dominate you, my boy!” Ford emphasized. “Listen to me, because when I was young, I did the same exact thing! I moved all the way out here, I isolated myself, I distanced myself from my parents, I cut away my friends, I shunned my own brother, all in the name of GREATNESS…” He shook his head. “Greatness is like true love, Dipper. It’s a MYTH. It’s a sparkle in the eye of foolish young men, and nothing more. Don’t be seduced by it.”

    “Romance is a crapshoot.” Stan verified.

    Dipper thought about all this. And he thought about Mabel. And he looked up to apologize to her, but she was no longer standing by the stairs. Sometime during all this, she realized she wasn’t needed, and quietly retreated back to her room.

    Dipper’s eyes fell to the floor. “I get it.” He mumbled.

    Ford walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Mason.” He said, quietly. “If I wanted you far away from danger, I wouldn’t have let you come back here. I do want you to have this life, and for all your dreams to come true. But there’s a difference between using your talents to the best of your ability, and signing your life away to an obsession. I can’t let you fall into the same pit that I did.”

    “Hmm.”

    “I see a lot of myself in you, Mason. More every day, it seems like. And sometimes it makes me proud. And sometimes it makes me angry, because sometimes I hate myself… More than anything, I want you to be a better man than I was… That’s all.”

    Dipper nodded.

    There was a minute of silence.

    “Well geez, Ford!” Stan interrupted. “Can’t you see this kid’s bleeding all over the chair? He looks like he got mauled by a pencil sharpener! Help me with this first aid kit, would ya? I’ve only got one useful arm right now…”

    “We were having a moment.” Ford explained.

    “Ugh.” Stan shook his head. “Is this moment done yet?”

    “Yes.” Ford sighed.

    “Good. Take this rubbing alcohol, huh? Start getting those disinfected. I’ll get the bandages.”

    “Okay… And get some ice for your own arm too! Don’t think I’ve forgotten…”

    “Hey…” Dipper changed the subject, as they set upon him with the supplies. “What were you doing down at Crash Site Omega today?”

    “Ripping our gorram ARMS out.” Stan answered. “As you know.”

    “No, Stan.” Ford laughed. “He means what our mission was. And the answer is that we were exploring. Trying to map out the wreck, diagnose its damage, find out how it works, find more clues as to why it crashed, what happened to the occupants, and in general who these extraterrestrials were.”

    “Did you make any progress?” Dipper asked.

    “OH HO!” Ford’s face lit up. “Did we ever! Remember those giant pillars surrounding the ship’s central chamber, from when we were down there, Dipper? Well, we’re pretty sure that those are artificial gravity generator. The ‘engines’ that propel the ship. And today, we made our way to the center of the ship right beneath those, and guess what we found in that engine room?”

    “What?”

    “A totally locked and sealed control room! And when we broke into it, we found an intact computer terminal! Most of the other mechanisms in the ship had been destroyed by eons of corrosion and decay, but this one had remained perfectly sealed! I worked out an interface with the computer, and most of its data seemed pretty much intact!”

    “Dude!” Dipper smiled. “That’s awesome! So then we’ll be able to recover all their logs? Find out why they crashed? What they were doing? Who they are?”

    “Hopefully…” Ford nodded. “However… Most of the data was lost, since most of the computers were destroyed. We were only able to salvage bits and pieces. And besides… We don’t know the language.”

    “Oh.” Dipper frowned. “Yeah, that’s a problem.”

    “But now for my next surprise!” Ford announced. “I used to believe that if we were to develop an ET-English translation, we would either need a living alien, a huge supercomputer, or decades of work studying their writing. But then!” Ford reached into his coat. “I know it’s crazy, but it turns out that in the 31 years since I was last really down there, human computer technology has progressed forward in leaps and bounds! Behold!”

    He removed a small, flat device from his coat and held it up, to allow the rest of the family to bask in its glory.

    Dipper was unimpressed.

    “It’s just a tablet, isn’t it?” He said.

    “Just a tablet?!?” Incredulous, Ford gasped and spat at the same time. It was an undignified action, and it made him almost choke on his own spit. “Look at it! It’s amazing!” He coughed. He turned it on and began to swipe through the menu with his finger. His eyes had a mesmerized look in them, and he drooled just a bit. “This contains more computing power than I ever would have dreamed of in my day! And data storage? Forget about it! I hooked this up to the computer terminal, and downloaded almost a terabyte of alien data. A TERAbyte, Dipper! In my day, that amount of information was only theoretical!”

    “Heh.” Stan laughed and shook his head. “I always thought those things were just for pirating junk and watching stupid stuff online… Kids poison their minds with it, it make them tame and docile…”

    “I’m just astounded.” Ford shook his head. “This technology is so advanced. Think of it! We could one day do banking and taxes electronically and wirelessly… Or have community-editable world-wide encyclopedias to store knowledge… Or allow the instant sharing and critiquing of the arts… I can only begin to imagine…”

    Dipper rolled his eyes and hid a smile. His Great Uncle may be one of the smartest men alive, but spending 30 years as a dimension-hopping fugitive could make anybody hopelessly dated. “Wow.” He said, trying to hide his sarcasm. “That’ll be the day, huh?”

    “I know…” Sighed Ford.

    “What does this have to do with the language?”

    “Ah! Yes!” Ford returned to the subject. “Well now! NOW! Now we don’t NEED a supercomputer to translate it! McGucket just had to write an ‘app’ for this device! Now, the app is crawling through the data I downloaded, examining patterns, context, and phonetic cadence. If we give it a while to run, it should be able piece together the meanings of certain basic words and sentence structures! And the more data we download, the more the app works, and better the translations gets! When we come back tomorrow… It may be almost comprehensible…”

    “Oh, wow!” Dipper smiled. “That’s awesome! So then we’ll just be able to read it directly in English?”

    “Hopefully!” Ford smiled. “So long as their language follows certain rules of logic and order, and so long as the data isn’t cluttered by too much useless nonsense… Yes. We should be able to decode it.”

    “Nice! Man, McGucket sure is a genius.”

    “Yes.” Ford nodded. “I just hope we find enough data down there to actually be of use… It would be a shame if the only alien records that survived were… Maintenance logs, or stuff like that… I suppose it was just the engine room, after all…”

    “Yeah…”

    Melody took this moment to interrupt. “Dinner’s ready!” She called from the kitchen. “Who wants meat pancakes? Made with processed animal parts and love!”

    “I do!” They all chorused, and made for the kitchen.







    Some time later, Wendy found herself standing in the Gravity Falls town square. She was wearing football pads, chainsaw chaps, thick boots, a tough helmet, and was armed with a great variety of weapons, from axes to knives to a few ray guns. She felt quite prepared to face and kill anything at all. This security made her feel confident and relaxed, so she started walking, in no particular direction.

    She stopped when she passed by the church, however. She had a feeling, deep in the back of her mind, that she had done, or was about to do, something very terrible. Yes, some grievous sin was being held against her. She needed forgiveness. She needed to go to confession.

    She turned to walk toward the church. Old Man McGucket passed her, en route to the same building. As he crested the top of the steps and put his hand on the door handle, he gestured toward her ray guns with a smile. “Don’t worry, feller!” He cackled. “Yer secret’s safe with me!”

    She knew he was talking about her sin. He’d built her the ray guns, and somehow, they were at the center of all this… She would use them to sin, very soon… And he knew it.

    McGucket opened the door to the church, and there was a lot of noise coming from inside. People talking, some song playing. She recognized several of the voices. Soos. Mabel. The Stans. They all sounded very happy. But why were they all here at church? It wasn’t Sunday…

    “What’s going on in there?” She asked McGucket.

    “Eh?” The hillbilly scratched his head. “Why, it’s Dipper, a’ course! Today’s his wedding! Didn’t ‘e tell yeh?”

    Wendy blinked. She was confused, though not altogether surprised. “Oh.” She said. “Well, good for him, I guess. Who’s the lucky girl?”

    “That Northwest lass, a’ course! Who else?” McGucket cackled, and went inside. Through the open door, Wendy spied Dipper standing at the altar next to Pacifica. He was standing tall, and smiling, and wearing a very handsome suit.

    She smiled half a smile. Good for him. Good for him. She thought about heading in and joining the party, but thought better of it. This was his happy day, and he didn’t need it spoiled by somebody like her: boisterous and troublesome and dressed for battle. He didn’t need a Wendy today. Church didn’t need a Wendy today. And besides, she didn’t particularly like the song they were playing.

    She turned to keep heading down the street.

    But a voice stopped her.

    “WENDY! Wendy, you’ve got to stop this!”

    She turned to see Dipper himself, wearing his stinky, dirty shorts and vest, sprinting up at her from the opposite direction.

    “Huh?” She blinked. “Stop what?”

    “The wedding! Duh!”

    “Wait, what? How is this any of my business? You can make your own decisions, so don’t get me involved! And shouldn’t you be inside? You’re missing your big day, man!”

    “No, Wendy!” He gulped. “That’s not me in there! Did that look like me?!? I don’t wear nice clothes! That’s the shapeshifter!”

    Wendy paused for a beat. “Oh.” She laughed. “Ha! Now I get it.”

    “You’ve got to go kill him, Wendy! He’s evil! Lots of people could be hurt or killed and you’re the only one that can do anything about it! Be a hero! It’s all up to you!”

    Wendy looked down at her hands. She was holding McGucket’s ray guns. “Well, now that’s a problem I can fix!” She nodded. “Let’s go!”

    They ran up the stairs to the church, and burst in through the doors. “ALL RIGHT EVERYONE!” Wendy announced. “THERE’S FREE PIZZA OVER IN THE PARK! GET OUTTA HERE AND GO GIT IT!”

    That big, fat dude in a red t-shirt led the way, and the rest of the townsfolk followed him. “Git it! Git it!” The mayor chanted. They all filed out the exits, leaving Wendy, Pacifica, and the Dippers alone in the church.

    The Dipper at the altar frowned. “What are you talking about? I’m not the shapeshifter!” He said. He reached over, grabbed Pacifica’s hand, and pulled her close. “I’m the real Dipper! And I really DO love Pacifica!”

    “Don’t change the subject, short-stack!” She told him. “I don’t care!”

    “And I really…” Pacifica began.

    “Nobody asked you, you walking one-dimensional-bleach-blonde-valley-girl-stereotype!” Wendy commanded. “Step away from him! It’s dangerous!”

    “No, I’m safe! He’s the shapeshifter!” The fancy-dressed Dipper said. “And he’s extremely dangerous!”

    “No, I’m the real Dipper!”

    “No, I’m Dipper!”

    “I am Dipper!”

    “I am Dipper!”

    “WELL WHO DO I KILL THEN!?” Wendy demanded.

    “Him!”

    “Him!”

    Wendy realized that Mabel was still in the church as well. “NO!” The girl cried. “The monster is just misunderstood! He’s actually a really sweet guy deep down, and if you just took the time to know him, you’d see him for what he really is: Happy and adorable! Come on, Wendy! Don’t kill him! Give him a chance!”

    Wendy realized that Soos was still in the church as well. “I don’t know dude.” He shook his head. “Maybe you shouldn’t do anything. Let junk happen. Maybe it’s true love after all.”

    She realized that Robbie was there too, and he was wearing nothing but underwear and flip-flops. “Bruh.” Robbie said.

    “Put on some shoes, Robbie!” Wendy snapped. She was good and angry now, and very confused. There was a monster here, and all her friends (and Pacifica) were right in harm’s way! If she didn’t do something about the monster soon, it would kill them! And then it would be her fault, for not taking action when she had the chance!

    “Listen to your heart!” Mabel pleaded. “Have mercy!”

    “Listen to your mind!” Dipper told her. “You know which one is right!”

    “BUT I DON’T!” Wendy protested. She pointed the ray guns at one Dipper, and then the other. “I’m not smart enough to tell which way is right! I’m not creative or clever enough! I don’t have the wisdom! But I’m the only one who can make this decision, and I need to make it NOW!!”

    Then she heard another voice, quiet and gentle, whisper in her ear. “There’s only one way to be sure.”

    “You’re right.” She realized.

    She leveled the ray guns, and shot both Dippers.

    They crumpled into piles on the floor, bled out, and died.

    “Good job.” The voice whispered. “You’re a hero now.”

    Wendy dropped the guns, and gasped. She had saved the day. She had saved a whole lot of people. She was a hero. But at what price?

    “NO! But look!” Mabel cried. “SEE?” She pointed to the two puddles of blood swelling on the floor. “Neither have green blood! They both bleed red! That means that both were good guys! I was right the whole time, and now you’re a MURDERER!”

    It was all for naught. After all this time, after everything she’d done, she’d been wrong. She’d only ever been wrong. Her entire mission was wrong. She hadn’t done anything righteous at all, and now something precious was dead. Mabel had forever been stripped of her beloved brother. Pacifica had lost her beloved boyfriend. And Wendy… She had truly lost something deep and dear; a friend, and more than a friend… She’d lost her companion, her blood brother. All the good in all the world could never make up for that. Nothing in the universe would ever return the treasure she had destroyed, and there could be no atonement for what she did.

    “No.” She whispered, as she sunk to her knees, and began to weep bitterly. The world darkened and blurred, and she wished she was dead.

    “And now.” The voice said. “It is time for confession.”

    Wendy opened her eyes.

    She was in her room, lying peacefully in bed. The moon shone down through the open window, and the breeze that came through it was cold.

    Oh.

    It was all just a dream.

    Kind of obvious in retrospect.

    It might not have been real, but it had nonetheless left her with a vivid memory, and an all-encompassing feeling of horror and guilt. She wondered for a moment what it meant, what it could symbolize, what she could learn from it, whether such a thing could ever be real.

    But it was just a dream. And, as everybody knows, dreams never mean anything at all.

    She breathed deeply to calm her thundering heart, and rubbed her eyes. When her hands came away, they were wet. She must have been crying in her sleep. Bizarre.

    She turned over in bed, pulled the covers up tighter, and closed her eyes.

    Before once again casting off into the fog of sleep, she opened her mouth and said. “Ugh.”







    “DIPPER, COME QUICKLY! MY FACE IS ON FIRE!!”

    Dipper sat up in bed and groaned. He had learned long ago that Ford’s personal issues were far less serious than they sounded. All it really meant was that he wanted him, and wanted him quickly. Dipper groggily rolled out of bed and made for the stairs, pulling on his pants and vest as he did. Man, this was early… Couldn’t it have waited a little longer? He needed sleep… He glanced over at the bathroom, wondering if he should brush his teeth before heading out.

    Ford seemed to read his mind from across the property. “DIPPER! HELP! IT BURNS!!”

    “All right… I’m coming, I’m coming…”

    It wasn’t a long walk out to the Stan’s RV, and when he got there he found the door open.

    “Ah! There you are.” Ford had just finished shaving, and turned around to greet his nephew with a chipper smile. Dipper tried to ignore the stench of burned hair. “Stan and I wanted to head out early today, and I wanted to show you the results from the samples you found.”

    “Oh… Yeah, those. Right. What did you find?” Dipper asked.

    Stan beckoned him inside, and pointed to several pictures taken from a microscope. “So. Functionally, these things are almost identical to ordinary plants. However, their inner processes are completely different. For instance, their cells are hard and rigid, and therefore can’t divide and multiply in the traditional way. See these nanobots here…” He pointed to some specks on the slide. “They’re tiny. Scarcely larger than a bacterium in our own bodies. I’m not sure what organ the plant uses to manufacture them, but I do know what they do. They travel through narrow channels in the plant’s structure, searching for gaps or damage. When they find such a gap, they lock themselves down, and overload their batteries. This welds them into place, and they become the shell of another cell in the structure. Then it seems that the actual inner workings of the cell are produced somewhere else, and they arrive to fill the shell after the welding is complete. That’s how the plant grows and repairs itself.”

    “Oh…” Dipper nodded. “Cool.”

    “As for material…” Ford continued. “The plants’ bodies are made of alloys containing aluminum, silicon, iron and titanium. The leaves are heavily silicon, and the outer crust is mostly titanium or steel.”

    “Titanium?” Dipper scratched his head. “I… I think I read that titanium is kind of rare…”

    “Very good.” Ford winked. “I was just getting to that.” He turned to the soil samples. “The soil you collected, it isn’t ordinary dirt. Normal dirt is mostly silicon, oxygen, and aluminum, same as rocks. But THIS is about 3 parts in every 10 iron, and 1 part in 10 titanium. Virtually no carbon, and low in every organic compound. Not the same stuff that the normal forest grows on. Normal life can’t use it, whereas this life thrives in it.”

    “That explains why the forest stayed so small.” Dipper nodded. “This must be the only place in the entire world where these species can grow.”

    “Quite right.” Ford nodded.

    “But where did the metal come from?” Dipper asked. “Originally? WHY does the soil have so much metal in it? And where did all the life come from in the first place?”

    Ford laughed, and stood up. “You’re asking the exact right questions, my boy… And I have exactly none of the answers.”

    “Yeah.” Dipper nodded. “Hey, I was thinking about what you said yesterday, and you’re right. I’m gonna take today off. I think I’ll help Mabel build some kind of pen for Juan, so she doesn’t have to watch him 24/7… Then maybe we get together with Soos, and the three of us go to the pool. It’s gonna be hot today.”

    “What are you gonna build the pen out of?”

    “I… I don’t know. He can cut through pretty much anything if he puts his mind to it, so… Either some crazy thick steel, or I was thinking of asking McGucket if he had some kind of magnetic barrier. Is that even a thing?”

    “Umm… Ah! Try glass.” Ford suggested. “Much cheaper.”

    This confused Dipper. “Glass?”

    “Glass is actually incredibly hard.” Ford assured him. “Nearly impossible to cut, dent, or scratch. I don’t believe his saws could get through.”

    “But… Glass… Shatters.”

    “I never said it was tough, I said it was hard. And Juan is sharp, not strong, so hardness is more important than toughness. Get some good thick glass in his way, and I bet he’d be trapped.”

    “Huh. Like an aquarium? A big aquarium?”

    “Try everyday windows. Set up some small, thick windows, caulk them together, and reinforce them on the back side.” Ford reached into his pocket, and produced two coins of stolen Aztec gold. “That should be enough.” He said. “Be careful with those coins, though. Hecka cursed.”

    “Okay.” Dipper pocketed the gold, and worked through a shopping list in his mind. “I can do that.” He nodded. “Buy some windows, build a pen, hit the pool… Plus I have a date tonight, so I should probably prepare for that too…”

    “HEEEEEY!!” Stan peaked out of the RV’s bathroom. “Good for you, Romeo! I always knew you had it in ya!”

    “Heh. Thanks. I guess.”

    “Who’s it with?” Ford asked. “Candy Chiu? I’ve talked to her father; she’s a good catch.”

    “No, uh… Pacifica.”

    “What?!?” Stan gasped. “That Northwest brat? I thought we all collectively hated her! It was a family-bonding-type deal to wish social and/or physical harm upon her! It unified us!”

    “She’s actually pretty nice once you get to know her…”

    “BAH! You turncoat…”

    Ford frowned. “Northwest? They’re kind of… Rich… Dipper, this isn’t a fancy dinner, is it?”

    “Yeeeeah…” He admitted. “But it was either that or horseback riding, so… Wait, actually it was ‘ponyback riding’… Wait, what’s the difference between a horse and a pony?”

    “Oh boy.” Stan shook his head. “Take it from me kid, stick to what you’re good at. Take her to the arcade or something next time. Or to the pool. Or to a movie. Or to tacos. Or to fight club. Or… Las Vegas or something. But never to fancy places. Fancy places don’t fit people like us.”

    “Fight club?” Dipper frowned. “And hold on, what do you mean ’people like us’?”

    “Lowlifes.” Stan explained. “Us dirty, stinky, casual, penny-pinching paupers. There’s nothing wrong with being at the bottom of the food chain, but it sure sets us apart from them.”

    “He’s right, you know.” Ford nodded.

    “Ugh.” Dipper shook his head. “Come on! It’s not gonna be that bad…! I can dress up. I can do fancy…”

    “Don’t ever try to rise to her level.” Stan warned him. “Bring her down to your level instead. It’s less work for both of you, and dirt cheap. And it goes right along with that whole semi-jerk sort of vibe I’ve told you about. Be the ‘bad boy’. The ladies love that.”

    Dipper strongly suspected that this was terrible advice, although he didn’t say so. “Uh… Okay…” He said instead. “I mean, we’ll see how this goes, right?”

    Stan made his way to the front of the RV, sat down in the driver’s seat, and started the engine. Ford sat down beside him, and handed the metal life samples back to Dipper. Dipper turned to leave the vehicle. “Yes. We’ll see.” Ford shrugged. “We’ll see.”