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river.flow
Published: 2018-08-17 14:18:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 1875; Favourites: 50; Downloads: 0
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Description
we talk in rivers. I have noticedthem flow in the midst of our
conversations β mine the thames,
serpentine slipping as a whisper
through the low meadows, quiet
and hissing. yours the five rivers
of the punjab, vying like brothers
in a tumult of froth and noise,
wrestling their way through
mangrove roots and mazes.
the rivers raised us, taught us their ways.
somewhere two oceans meet in a
place where there is no wind,
the doldrums silent and still
as two currents cancel out in
a moment of collision. as the
thames flows into the punjab
and halts, so too do we stand
together, silent, over-brimming
with restrained tidal waves,
our currents ceased and bridled
each time we kiss in a place
where even time stills its flow.
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Comments: 25
thank you so much
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This is absolutely lovely! Congratulations on the well deserved daily deviation.
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thank you so so much
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You are very very welcome!
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thank you so much
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Hello fellow Crit-ter I have come to enlighten you!
Actually no, I have come to tell you that this is beautiful in its flow and its comparison of love to a river. It is strange the way love and a river both can flow smoothly and slowly or in a tumultuous fashion. You kept true to this comparison from the first line to the last, beautifully.Β
You ask what kind of poem this is while classifying it as free verse. I found a forum topic that may interest you by LiliWrites , it asks us to define Prosetry: forum.deviantart.com/art/liter⦠. If you were to ask me what is Prosetry; I would use your work here as an example. It looks like a poem and has some elements of a Shakespearian Ode without the structure, as it flows more like a work of prose with punctuation, yet the beauty of your work is clear.
It is a lovely piece and there is no wonder why it has claimed a DD of its very own.
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Thaaaaank you
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I like how consistent you are with this river metaphor, rather than slipping into some other type of imagery. I think it creates an excellent, developed framing device.
Since you mentioned you're amenable to crit - good alliteration, think the rhythm could be stronger (though I'm not the best at picking up syllable emphasis). Not fully sold on the lack of caps since you otherwise punctuate, but tbh that's also a totally personal preference.
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Thank you for the feedback! 
I get what you mean about rhythm - do you reckon re-arranging the lines and playing with the line-breaks would help create a stronger rhythm?
I can never decide if I'm no caps or not. I HAVE to punctuate - that feels wrong to miss out for me most of the time, but I tend to drop capitalisation for more personal poems, which I've seen other writers here say as well. I guess this piece felt more conversational hence no caps, but I get what you mean and I really ought to pick a side!
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Sure thing!
Hmm, yeah I think so. For me, some of the words in the beginning didn't quite work, like "conversations" - definitely keep the meaning, though.
Haha, fair. I do see that side when you point it out, not like I ever capitalize texts.
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Thank you so much!
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You're welcome!
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Thank you for your kind words
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Beautifully done!!
Congratulations on your much deserved DD! Β
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How have I not read you before?Β
This a very solid draft. Are you amenable to a little crit?
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I'm so so late at replying but YES I am always dying for crit, I feel very rusty this year so need all the criticism I can sink my teeth into!
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Brilliant and vivid, as always! Your poems are always such a joy to read.
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