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Published: 2016-05-03 02:02:25 +0000 UTC; Views: 175; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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For thousands of years, she would shy away. Being wrapped violently into her sisters shadow. The day they would prais, the night they would sleep and hide until the blazing ball of gas would rise. The lonely moon and stars would fade and erase the artwork the night goddess had worked so hard on making. For each star had its own place, to shine and gather along other stars to make constellations. The night goddess, or Luna would try to make the night shine as bright as the day. But it was impossible. They loved the day and her sister. More than anything in the world. Luna could not take it anymore, she had to do something now before she would literally kill her own sister.
Luna walked down the hallway down to where her sisters quarters stood. Luna glanced at the moon, the appreciated moon. Luna knew that this night was probably the only time she would be able to get to her sister. Luna opened the door to the colorful room. Purples, whites, and golden color spread across the vast room. Sun drawings hung from a nearby wall. The only light that shown was the one on celestial desk. She seemed to be working on paperwork. "Um, Tia?" Luna asked as she made her way to her sister. " yes Luna?" Celestia replied without looking up. "Um, I was just wondering, is it ok if we can have the night last for just a few more hours? The subjects don't seem to care for the night. I worked really hard on it to make it purfect. It's just for on night, or just tonight sin—" "Luna? Are you out of your mind? Celestia interrupted getting up and looking at her sister. " you know purfectfully well that we cannot do that. The crops need to grow, the poines need to get to places without hurting themselves in the dark. The day provided the things the poines need. Light. Without it, we would not be here. So keep your silly imagination to yourself. So run along and go play, I have a lot of work to do." Celestia said coldly.
"But Tia, it's just a few more hours! We can do the same with the day. Then things can go back to normal!! Please! My night is being pushed aside! I feel like I am not adored or loved by any pony, not even you. " Luna pleaded to her sister, but nothing changed the look on her sisters face. "Luna, I do love you. And poines love your night,they just don't have the time to waste to look at the sky after a busy day. They would rather sleep. Now, I need to finish this and then go to sleep. The night is there so ponies can sleep and recharge. Not for doing thing that they would do in the day. " celestia said as she pushed Luna out the door then closed it. Luna was heartbroken, her hero, her own sister. Sister? More like an enemy that that needed to be removed. Luna ran to the throne room and started stomping and crying. That was the LAST straw. She vowed to get revenge. " infinite dispise and endless jealously bottled into my soul"
Celestia ran into the Thorne room to find to sorce of the racket. She came in just in time, to see her own sister turn into a monster. The monster started laughing evilly then made a hug hole in the Celling wich celestia easily moved away from the debris.
"Luna,I will not fight you! You must lower the moon! It is your duty!" Celestia said trying to convince her sister to lower the moon. "Luna? I am... Nightmare Moon! I have but one royal duty now: to destroy you!
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Comments: 11
FenikkusuSapphire [2016-05-04 00:21:15 +0000 UTC]
Interesting. I really like the idea of centering the story on Luna's point of view.
Though, if I may, there are a few grammatical errors, and you use repetition too much in your sentences. Your punctuation is a bit off as well. But it's still really good! Not bad for your first try!
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CommanderEclipse In reply to FenikkusuSapphire [2016-05-04 00:31:42 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! And what is repetition?
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FenikkusuSapphire In reply to CommanderEclipse [2016-05-04 00:47:34 +0000 UTC]
Well, there are two types of repetition in writing.
One is for poetry, which is the good type of repetition. (Because it's kind of "needed" in poetry.)
Then there is the bad type of repetition, the one commonly (and mistakenly) used in stories.
Here's an example from your writing:
"Luna opened the door to the colorful room. Purples, whites, and golden color spread across the vast room."
You see what happened here? You used the word "room" twice, despite already addressing it once. Once is all that's needed.
Here's how I would have worded it:
"Luna opened the door to the colorful room. Brilliant colors of purple, white, and gold were spread out all across it."
Or...
"Luna opened the door to the colorful room. Brilliant colors of purple, white, and gold were spread out in front of her." (I personally prefer this one.)
What was the difference? I used PRONOUNS to REPLACE the used-up nouns. Using nouns over and over again can really wear a story down.
Hope this helped! (Man, I feel like an English teacher. XD)
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CommanderEclipse In reply to FenikkusuSapphire [2016-05-04 01:18:48 +0000 UTC]
( haha. You are a great one XD). Thanks this helps!
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FenikkusuSapphire In reply to CommanderEclipse [2016-05-04 01:33:23 +0000 UTC]
(Aw! Thank YOU!)
Glad it does, and continue to write all you want!
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CommanderEclipse In reply to FenikkusuSapphire [2016-05-04 01:37:23 +0000 UTC]
Ok! Fughdighfgpfubixfhdkfhdkfhodjvjddf! XD
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FenikkusuSapphire In reply to CommanderEclipse [2016-05-04 01:44:53 +0000 UTC]
LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!
JHDLIUASFIAUHFQIJRG;WLKERG'WOIJFO'IA'
(I did it too. XD)
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CommanderEclipse In reply to FenikkusuSapphire [2016-05-04 02:18:38 +0000 UTC]
It's PURFECT!
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FenikkusuSapphire In reply to CommanderEclipse [2016-05-04 02:45:28 +0000 UTC]
Yes, lovely. XD
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