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complex — Un--Burnt
Published: 2002-11-28 01:48:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 446; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 82
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Description Tainted smell --Burning,
I felt it from upstairs,
And ran down to see you lurched
across the hall floor.
Acidic smoke arising from your cheeks,
They slowly melted away,
And you screamed a scream that made me
Skip a few beats.

Beauty is on the inside I said
at the hospital as they
lifted those white bindings,
and you cried a cry that made me
skip a few blinks.

Veiled for life.

Adept in the matters of humour
But your manners began to change,
Nobody saw you smile,
But heard the faint ring of your
Undamaged laugh.
Echoing, Ringing...

A mask you wore,
For you didn't wish to scare anyone,
harm anyone or,
let them know.
But do I scare you?
That I still show love without question,
And climb my fingers
towards your face.
I can't lift your veil though your eyes
glow -- burning with lov/ate,
Your grip is tight,
And I ask you to release,
For one kiss,
But you deny.

A cry echoes as we walk-
tenderly across the tarmac.
Everyone smiles as they spot the
progress you're making,
Skills you're learning,
But I promise you we'll
skip a few streets.

And when I'm down on one knee,
Your pain becomes more clear,
And I can hear the cries of,
frightened futures,
And future fights,
But you start to understand that-
I'm a man who won't be distracted by
facial issues,
wet tissues,
And that I'll always see you through.
So cry my dear, you may.
But please --

-- say,

I do.
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Comments: 17

Lady-Blue [2003-03-03 03:50:03 +0000 UTC]

beautiful... sad... heartfelt...

Amy

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

drmanhattan [2003-02-03 22:11:30 +0000 UTC]

juzam - You're referring to Palahniuk's novel about the supermodel who loses her face in an accident? I never read it, but his other books are really fantastic.

The poem, anyway, I really like it. It's well written. Can't think of more to say at the moment.

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juzam [2003-01-28 13:27:18 +0000 UTC]

Wow... reminds me of invisible monsters, but thats probably just me.. Great job

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-henrique- [2003-01-26 15:59:56 +0000 UTC]

Came back to an amazing poem...
"They slowly melted away," I love this line; I assume it refers to the melting cheeks. *shudder*
I've read this so many times and I cannot spot the continuous metaphor... heh, sadly
but I love this part:
"Nobody saw you smile,
But heard the faint ring of your
Undamaged laugh."
To not see a smile would mean even the lips were harmed, explaining that faint ring of a laugh which is only heard.

could you toss me a note explaining who the piece is from? if I could figure out who's saying this could I hopefully figure it out. (don't tell me too much though, I'm really enjoying digging through your words--remarkable)

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luet [2003-01-17 09:14:30 +0000 UTC]

Adept in the matters of humour
But your manners began to change,

These are the only two lines that I would change, when I read it over I felt that these two lines didnt fit with the mood of the rest of the poem. I really like the repition at the end of a few of the stanzas:

Skip a few beats

skip a few blinks.

skip a few streets.

These lines bring a little cheer to such a sad subject. You approached it from a very uplifting and sorrow free point of view.

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amaie [2003-01-12 18:19:01 +0000 UTC]

I love the way this piece makes you think....
I'm adding it to my Favs so I have to comment but I honestly can't find worthy words....
Congratulations on making me speechless...

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seamaire [2002-12-31 18:34:44 +0000 UTC]

lovely. and simple, and pure, brushing away insignificant things. I also like the construction, the meaning contained by every stanza, even those of only one line.

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tmpst24myst [2002-12-15 17:00:42 +0000 UTC]

to the comment above, it's supposed to be spelled like that. artistic value, hello?

Anyway, now that I've vented, I love this. I think it's is fine how it is and if you do change anything, keep it subtle. Anything drastic would change the meaning of this I think or take away from it's 'divinity.'

You my friend are in my admiration for your true devotion and she is my envy for your sublime heart.
You are more of a man than most I will ever meet and by far, better than all but one that I know.

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booga [2002-12-11 19:15:00 +0000 UTC]

you yell at me for spelling errors and for bad poetry well who forgot the e on love and the h on hate. and i really don't believe that lurched is the correct word maybe spraled or lurching... this is good but still you lack something.

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-henrique- [2002-12-10 22:36:36 +0000 UTC]

I'm no voting "like deviation" to follow the herd, I'm voting that because it's well done. There was no formal rhyming scheme so much as rhyming when convenient...this makes the poem stick to the message more. Love and loyalty

nice one, hope she said yes

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rebelchic [2002-12-10 19:48:46 +0000 UTC]

I've read it over. Again and again and nothing, and I mean nothing needs to be changed. It's perfect.

I have nothing more to say.

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ladyo [2002-12-04 01:32:30 +0000 UTC]

I believe if anyone told you to change a thing in this poem then it wouldn't mean the same thing...it wouldn't have that from the heart feel. Damn I'm almost crying right now...I feel like her sometimes...lots of times...

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raguel [2002-12-03 21:35:34 +0000 UTC]

I really like this. I loved the line about skipping a few streets. This is really evocative and I can almost hear the other side of it in my head. Her fear, self loathing, amazement and mistrust.

Nice work...

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etoilerose [2002-11-28 20:26:22 +0000 UTC]

wow...

what do you want to improve on this? there are maybe a few things that could be edited, but really i think it's good.

is this entire poem about a wedding day? that's the vibe i got...but, yeah. i'd like to discuss this with you, it is really beautiful.

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doomit [2002-11-28 11:40:44 +0000 UTC]

Wow, that's loyalty

nice work!

=doomit

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weezergirl123 [2002-11-28 02:48:32 +0000 UTC]

That is so sad...i really am speechless after reading this. i dont think i could give you any adivice which i usually like to do. But this is so personal that there is really nothing i can say. It is so beautiful i just want to hug you for writting such a heart felt poem. EXCELLENT writing!!!

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defyjane [2002-11-28 01:57:54 +0000 UTC]

*sniff* thats really beautiful...really really beautiful! thank you for being such a good person, whoever she is shes lucky.

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