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complex β When It Ends
Published: 2003-04-03 22:05:00 +0000 UTC; Views: 480; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 30
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Description
Twirled and tapped through stubborn timethe swirling rings of reality that curled
and curtailed around sullen blonde blends.
We stood in solemn silence as a world that
barbed freedom and battered morality
came to a shattering end in brimstone and sizzling
ash. Where dawn came young and nights were
bright with sparks and spattles of explosive
element, and no man dared to cry out that
this wasn't meant to be.
We stood upon the crackled charcoal ground
upon the highest hill. Staring down as
red clouds and erupting blazen tides crippled
centuries and histories of man.
And we knelt, and prayed;
for forgiveness.
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Comments: 19
i like it, for some strange reason it reminds me of a band called acid bath, but it's good all the same, i have nothing to say to improve the peom, and i agree with the others also, though i take my own meanings from it as well.
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its all been sed. i like what ur saying, and how ur saying it. i tend to agree with ~areincarnation in that this poem leans towards the explicit. overall, very nice read.
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Twirled and tapped through stubborn time
the swirling rings of reality that curled
and curtailed around sullen blonde blends.
I really like the alliteration here, aswell as your use of 'the swirling rings of reality'- it's visual and has a nice effect.
We stood in solemn silence as a world that
barbed freedom and battered morality
came to a shattering end in brimstone and sizzling
ash.
Use of sibilants is nice, but a tad unnecessary as it almost softens the blow of what you're saying here.
Where dawn came young and nights were
bright with sparks and spattles of explosive
element, and no man dared to cry out that
this wasn't meant to be.
Look at your line breaks here, perhaps. Alliteration is good as it reinforces the onomatopoeia you're using here. The last sentence could be sharper, more blunt, maybe?
We stood upon the crackled charcoal ground
upon the highest hill. Staring down as
red clouds and erupting blazen tides crippled
centuries and histories of man.
And we knelt, and prayed;
for forgiveness.
This is my favourite part- I love the use of 'crackled' and 'red clouds'- they add colour, something definitely needed when describing the destruction you portray. There is a nice sense of time here as well. The last line is blunt, kneeling and praying. Although perhaps a little clichΓ©d, it adds an emotional as opposed to a descriptive touch to the poem.
Nice job, well done!
~lirimaer
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hmmm. again, not going to offer a critique, for I have to get ready to mate a date.
what i will offer is that this piece suffers from uncultured-line break syndrome. It really distorts the rhythm, and suggests to me that the creator lacks the abi9lity to carve his own rhythm with any understanding of the higher elements of poetry.. a far cry from being the best poet in the word.
the second affliction of this is it's just been diagnosed with "over-use of modifier-syndrome"
"the swirling rings of reality that curled
and curtailed around sullen blonde blends."
the modifiers here are really out of place, and once more suggests you lack the subtley to build upon this.
Though poets such as wordsworth and tenyson ae renound for using modifiers in their poetry, they did it with a rare genius. Instead this impares rhythm, and content.
all in all, i see you have potential. You have a good internal rhythm, and a fair vocabulary. However, you need a kick up the arse. it appears you are content with your ability, and as it is, it's far from good... though better than many here.
you seem to leave out cliche`s which is a good thing, but till you can build upon the mentioned.. and understand their significance.. you'll not progress.
daniel
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Beautiful descriptions, and such a nice flow from one to another.
So what are your beliefs?
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you know why it took me so long to comment?
because every time i read this, it leaves me speechless.
there's nothing i can say that hasn't already been said.
although you don't submit as often as i'd like, your words make up in power what you lack in quantity. which is probably better than submitting 80 crap poems everyday. i.e. me.
anyway. you amaze me. i get goosebumps everytime. i envy you.
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Yeah, they all said it first, damn their trigger-fingers. It does wander, but I think it adds the dimension of the observer moving around. Me likee.
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I find your abstractness and visual imagery to be quite yummy. Yeah, I know.. yet another fluffy comment, but my head hurts, so this is what you get, Mr., and you're gonna like it! heh
In all seriousness, I throughly enjoyed it.. and I aggree with ~wu-wei in that it could be a bit tighter, but overall a very excellent read.
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I love when people, especially poets, play with the placement of repetitively sounding purposeful words -- hehe. I like more that you did so without making anything seem positioned; everything felt fluid at those points.
Poeple have spoken out though. More so than ever.
It must be due to the fact that people fear dieing and through seeing the preventable deaths of others they feel the sort of remorse of psychologically switching places with those in pain.
More so than ever.
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i have read a lot of good writing tonight. this piece is among the best.
everybody else basically said everything. stupid bastards stealing my comments. foul demons.
anyway.
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I, as well, was going to compliment the nice internal flow this piece had.
I hope this is a habit of yours. I am a fan of it, and an abuser of it as well.
Bravo.
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very good. that last line is extraneous, however, moreso the way it is broken from its parent line. always a subjective issue, but i might consider ending it at prayed and removing the comma after knelt - after the frenetic pace it would feel like hitting a brick wall. in a good way. i think. very nice.
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Well, I was going to say something about the alliteration and the flow. But, never mind.
This kinda meandered a bit, but at least it meandered through a powerful panorama of scenes.
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Lots of abstract images and ideas used it confuses what is actually going on. And yet in the opposite way, it enstills a feeling throughout that changes with each line. Good and bad.
-doomit
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ooooh... welcome back Sam!!!
I LOVE the alliteration and flow... just beautiful, and so strong... I don't have any complaints, really.
Alright I have one. I don't think the end is strong enough. A little cliche, perhaps. But other than that... I really love this.
I'm so glad you started writing again!
Amy
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Oh wow.
I knew you'd come back with something even stronger and more powerful than anything before. This is wonderful.
I loved the alliteration and the flow. Mixed together it smoothly came off the tongue an just sat in the air before I inhaled it back into my lungs. Tasty.
The imagery was just...wow.
You own me.
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