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Copywright — Divinity Soul
Published: 2010-09-09 01:29:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 3466; Favourites: 15; Downloads: 33
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Divinity Soulby James "Copywright" Joseph
Chapter 1
"I'm sorry, its gotta be like this Zach. We'll keep in touch, right?" she said.
Zach looked down at the floor. "It's not fair, just because they believe in something different than Neariah…" he said. "I wish I could come with you…"
Neariah touched Zach's shoulder and said, "May the Highest One protect you, brother. I have a feeling that he has great things in store for you."
Neariah walked into the cab, and her eyes shined due to tears she was holding. Zach's tears already flowing sniffled and wiped his tears. Neariah then wiped her eyes, and closed the cab door. As the driver slowly went off, Neariah waved back. Zach sighed and went inside to prepare for church later on that day.
"Zach, did you iron your clothes?" his mom asked.
"Yeah, Mom…I'm about to get dressed"
His mom walked to him and whispered "How did it go?".
"Fine mom, now lemme get dressed" Zach said walking into his room.
He jumped onto his bed and thought about how his life would be now. Neariah was his best friend and her seemingly crazy beliefs made sense to him. The "Big Deceiving" theory made sense but he never got the chance to get more details. As Zach put on and buttoned his shirt he smiled thinking of the 14 years of memories with his sister. As more tears flowed, he buckled his pants and Zach thought about a memory of his sister and him having a snowball fight and making snow angels. Zach's heart ached as he remembered his sister's question, "Do you think it can be fun like this forever, Zach?"
As he opened the door, he saw a triangle and a voice warned "Don't go down this road, Zach. Stay true to what you know for your own good…"
Zach suddenly saw strange shapes until the sunny morning scene returned to his eyes. He frantically fled to his mom's car and waited in the backseat for his family. As he waited he thought, what was that voice? What were those shapes? He cleared his head and decided to going to church to pray for the answer. As his brother Nero, Mother, and Father piled in, the car sped off to church. When they arrived, Zach got out and ran inside. He got a seat for him and his family and as he looked around he saw the congregation staring at the ceremony. He glared at the priest while he sang. He watched as the man sitting beside the priest read from an awkward book. The priest then went into what the reading was mainly about. Zach sat through the mass and felt nothing but sleepiness. Soon it was time to receive bread and wine, and Zach and his family stood in line. When Zach took the bread and wine, he noticed a very hostile look from the priest, and went to his seat. Still sad about Neariah's departure, he didn't think of what the cause of the scold he received from the priest. After the ceremony, he walked past the priest chamber, hearing him chant foreign words and curiously stood and waited for his family to pass. Zach then noticed that every time he was at church, this room would be closed and locked. Zach's curiosity brought him to creep inside and listen.
"Oh Father of Understanding and Bearer of the Eye that sees all. I am your messenger and your servant. I have done this week's brainwashing of the people to please your cause. Please accept my service," the priest said. Zach was wide-eyed and saw such weird things! He saw a poster of the triangle from his vision, bent crosses, and a box on a pedestal.
Chapter 2
As Zach tried to flee the scene, he bumped into a priest who said, "Your eyes and ears have cost you your life, young one." Before Zach could say anything, the priest punched him and Zach fell to the floor. Zach looked dizzy and before he could say anything another fist met his face. This time Zach was bloodied. Zach looked up once again and saw the priest's fist rise…until he saw Neariah came and kick the priest to the floor. Zach attempted to stand but to no avail fell to the floor again. As the priest and Neariah fought, Zach suddenly heard a voice. "Zach, you have seen the truth. You are now blessed and gifted with the necessary power. Lead my people back to their origin, Zach". Zach suddenly felt no pain and stood up. He felt strange throughout his body. Zach's eye color was turned to yellow and he felt a faint headache. Neariah looked over at Zach and gasped.
"Zach! Focus your attention to your hand then release the tension in it!" she yelled while restraining the priest. Zach did as she said and a yellow beam shot out, and pierced through the priest's chest. Zach looked in awe at his hands and felt powerful.
"What the hell?!" Zach said grasping on his hand. He just killed a priest, and he ran over to the priest to check on his status. Zach's eye pain returned, and fell to the ground while running over to the priest.
Neariah lifted Zach, and told him "There's no time, we gotta leave before more come! Follow me!" Neariah yelled. Zach and Neariah blew through the church's entrance. They jumped into Neariah's car and sped off. Neariah then flicked a switch up hidden under her seat. "For insurance" she said
"Now listen to me, Zach," she continued. "What you saw was a very serious matter. Those are the Deceivers, and they are in control of everything. From the government, to the media, to what you learn is school, even what you worship. They control it all. I am part of the people who woke up and figured them out, the Avengers. We work to be in service of the Highest one… the real highest one. I am gonna take you to my house, so you can meet the rest of us." Neariah said.
"If they control everything, is it safe to be speaking of this out loud?" Zach asked with fear in his voice. "Normally, they could hear us," "Once I flip that switch, we are invisible to the satellites in space." "They use them see everything." Neariah said. Neariah pulled up to an apartment building.
Neariah and Zach got out and as they walked in Zach looked around. The stairway was rusted and the floors were decorated with grime. As they walked up a smell assaulted Zach's nose compelling him to ask "Don't you guys ever clean up?" Zack asked.
"This coming from the 14 year old boy whose room smells pretty much similar" said Neariah. Zach growled. "Oh, shut up we are here" she said. Zach saw a rusted door with a keypad lock. Neariah typed in the password and said some foreign words then the door creaked open.
Chapter 3
Neariah and Zach walked in, and Zach gasped. It was a beautiful penthouse with state of the art electronics. Zach looked in awe and wonder and continued to follow Neariah. Zach saw that almost everything was electronic, and asked "How did you guys get this stuff?!"
"You'll find out soon enough, bro" Neariah said.
In the living room, Zach saw three other people. One was a man with cornrows and a mean face on while glaring at his laptop.
Another was a woman a treadmill. She was well fit, with long and sleek blonde hair. The last was a girl looking about Zach's age doing aerobics. Neariah came and said, "This is my brother Zach, guys".
They all turned and got up to greet him. "Hey, I'm Benji Bidayah" he said "I hope you know, I am not here to be your friend."
The woman approached him and said "Well aren't you just a little cute boy? I'm sure Sarah over there will like you. My name is Debra Cottingham" she said giving Zach a hug.
Zach blushed and sheepishly said "Hi..".
The girl stood looking embarrassed. She finally said "Hey…My name is Sarah Cottingham. Nice to meet you" she said.
"You too", Zach replied.
Neariah nodded and said, "We need to have a conference, guys. I need to tell you about what happened to Zach today."
Everyone's faces intensified and walked into an elevator. Zach felt antsy as the stinging sadness of the elevator ride sunk in. The elevator dinged and they walked out. Everyone sat down around a table with a projector screen. "Zach encountered one of the deceiver's prayers to their god. The High one has recognized and judged him worthy of power, show them Zach." Zach nodded, took position, and fired a yellow flare up into the roof. The flare ricocheted around the room, and everyone ducked. "Ehh… oops?" Zach said.
"Way to go, hotshot" Benji sarcastically commented.
"I think…it's pretty impressive for a newborn power…" Sarah said.
"I'd expect nothing less from the brother of Neariah" Debra commented
"We need to get him through intensive training, starting tomorrow. He has had enough for today. Benji, my dear, prep a training course to be used tomorrow. Debra, I need you to let Zach in on all the basics of being an Avenger. Benji, you're his sparring partner. I'm going to have to report to Avenger HQ. Zach, your room is down the hall to your left right next to Sarah's. I'll be in there soon to talk to you. Go on ahead, Zach. Everyone else stay." Neariah commanded.
Zach walked into elevator and thought to himself. His life was changing, and it did in one instant. He came from being a normal teen kid from being some kind of powerful avenger. Before he could sail in his thought any farther, the elevator dinged and he ran into his room.
Sarah looked down at the floor and closed her eyes, and sensing Zach's emotions, Neariah made her way into his room behind him. He thought about where he would be living, what he would be doing, and if he could handle it. Once again, his thoughts were interrupted when Neariah came and sat on his bed. "Zach, I know what you're thinking. Partly because it's part of my labyrhythm." Neariah said, playing with her curly afro. "The transition to living in ignorance and living in the truth isn't easy for any of us. As long as we know, we can't just go back to our lives like nothing." Neariah said. "For example do you really think you will set foot into another church again?" she asked.
Zach shivered at the mention of the churches the events flashed through his head.
"Never again" he answered. "Don't you want to save others from what happened to you?" she asked. "Yeah, sis, I do. But this is too sudden for me. I'm a kid, I play outside and have girlfriends and chill at movies. Now I'm some kind of Avenging person, outta nowhere" Zach said.
Neariah said and stood and walked towards the door. "Look, if you wanna go back, I'm not stopping you. If you stay, then that attitude has to go. The Decievers love a mentally weak enemy to easily pick apart. So if you choose, cling to live in ignorance. But, don't expect to see me again" she said then walked out.
The words made his head throb and he felt tension building in his shoulders. As he fought with tears, the door creaked open. Zach looked up to see who intruded on his private moment. Sarah's green eyes shined through the crack in the door as the asked "Can I come in?" "Sure, Sarah. Come take a seat" Zach said.
Sarah walked inside and sat with her hands on her lap. "I think you should stay. You won't be happy if you go back. The trauma will last forever until death." Sarah explained. "Running won't help, Zach. Trust me" she said.
Zach looked up and nodded understanding what she was saying." Thanks for talking to me, Sarah" Zach said and hugged her. Sarah's face turned bright red and she made her way out. Zach then looked at his hands and accepted that he can't turn back. As he came to this conclusion, sleepiness attacked him, and he fell into slumber on his bed.
Chapter 4
The next morning, he awoke to a priest looking down at him. He was so surprised he spring-kicked the priest in his jaw, karate kicked him in his ribs and put him in a head lock while charging up the power in his hand. "Nice moves, but guess what?" the priest said.
The priest reversed his headlock and tripped him to the floor and pointed a crucifix at his head. "I'm still better" the priest said. The priest lowered his crucifix and took off his mask. Benji's face showed and he clapped.
"Your labyrhythm must be developing quickly, Zach. Not bad, punk" Benji said.
Zach wiped his face with his arm and growled. Neariah walked out and said "Soon enough you will be the one on the floor, baby" while hugging up on Benji.
"Ugh guys, aren't we doing some type of training, not flirting" Zach said. "Don't hate, playboy" Benji said in his southern accent.
Zach rolled his eyes. "Zach, Debby is waiting in the intelligence chamber. Go meet her" Neariah ordered. Zach scoffed and went off. As he walked, he heard a faint noise coming from inside Sarah's room.
Since the door was cracked open, he peeked through to see Sarah quietly sobbing and holding a silver locket. From the angle Zach was he could not see the face in the locket, his heart sank and he walked on to the assigned room. He shook his curiosity and sadness off as he approached the room. Debra was waiting inside, sitting at a desk.
"About time, Zach" Debra said. "Did seeing Neariah and Benji spook you to elderly speed?" Debra said in a joking voice. Zach put on a smile and said "Nope, it was seeing that his face was uglier than the mask he had on" Zach joked.
They shared a quick laugh, then Zach took a seat. Debra then proceeded with her lesson by saying "To be an Avenger there are some things you should know" while holding the projection screen's remote.
"The quote unquote priest that you saw was part of the Decievers. The Decievers are a secret organization that control anything you can think of. School, TV, Media, and the strongest corruption lies in the government. We don't have much intel on them, but we believe it is in service to a strange entity" Debra said. Zach felt the chills in his arm travels upward until it resided in his head. "We as the Avengers, we guard the world against any threat. For the last thousand years, we safeguarded the world from ever single threat. We are the Soul Guardian Quadrant" Debra said proudly.
"Our technology is advanced past our time, and we have the most advanced infantry in the world" Debra said. Zach looked at a strange symbol on Debra's hand.
"Is that sign on your hand part of it?" Zach asked. Debra looks at her hand, and smiles. "This is my Avenging Motive. It signifies the reason and goal of why you are in the Avengers. Come to think of it, you soon should be able to analyze them and gather the information each one holds."
Debra says with a smile on her face. Zach looked at his hand, and began to see a faint yellow mark. "It's coming…" Zach murmured.
"Already? It's only been a day. You pick up pretty fast considering that you haven't even passed the entrance test yet."
Debra said astounded. "Your labyrhythm must be progressing pretty fast also then" she added. "Labyrhythm?" Zach said, while remembering what Neariah told him the other night. "Oh, yes. Each labyrhythm is different, and comes with a special power. Mine is determined intelligence, Benji's is a unbendable will, Sarah's is a pure soul, and Neariah's is hearing thoughts of the mind, desires of the heart, and intentions of the brain" she said.
Zach nodded and wondered what his labyrhythm would be. Suddenly, Benji's voice on the intercom came on saying "Aye, yo punk. Yeah, I'm talking about you Zachie-boy. Get over here, it's time for you to get to physical training".
Debra smiles and hugs Zach, and says "See you later, love. Give Benji a good thrashing for me" Debra said.
Zach smiled and ran over to the training area.
Chapter 5
As he ran he thought about what he had just learned from Debra, until Benji busted through the wall and attempted to attack Zach. Zach bounced off the wall to avoid the attack and karate kicked Benji in the back of his head. Benji stood and clapped, and said "Looks like Mr. 3rd Degree black belt has no problem with hand-to-hand".
Zach looked wide-eyed and said "Have you been stalking me or something?" Benji rolled his eyes and said as if I don't have better things to do with my time. We all went over your profile after you fell asleep" .
Zach didn't bother asking, and said "Well, what are we doing?" Benji opened a door, and Zach saw blades, axes, guns, and other strange combo swords. "Sit and do what I say" Benji commanded.
Zach scoffed and sat. "Close your eyes, and think about something that you need and hold out your hand" Benji said. Zach listened and did this. He felt his powers working and started to panic. Benji held his shoulder and said "Stay calm, and focus."
Zach started to see flashbacks from his life and he felt something in his hand. When he opened his eyes, he saw a sword in his hand. "Ah, the BulletBlade, eh? Slice n' Dice then pop a cap in em'. Lucky choice." Benji said.
Zach looked at the sword and thought to himself how great it felt. "Looks like gun swords are your weapon type" Benji said. "I use double blades, for double the fun!" Benji said gloating.
"So, will I ever run outta ammo?" Zach asked. Benji chuckled and said "Just the idiotic question I'd expect. Our technology is advanced, as I'm sure you know by now. Gun swords themselves use the wielder's will to power itself. It makes its own bullets, as long as the wielder stays calm and collected to be blunt."
Zach stood and started to swing and thrust at the air. "It maneuvers with my perfectly…this is amazing" he said in awe. Benji unsheathed his twin blades and said "Try to maneuver on me, Zachie-boy!". Zach attached the pocket for his sword onto his belt, and said "Right here? Won't we break the weapons?". "Humph, right you are actually" Benji said sheathing his blades. "Follow me" he said afterwards.
As they walked, Zach examined his sword. He didn't see a trigger for the bullets to come out, so he kept looking. "Shoot, sword, SHOOT!" Zach said after not finding a trigger. The sword shot and ricocheted around the room, and Benji slashed the bullet.
"Looks like you learned to shoot" Benji said. Zach chuckled in a guilty manner and apologized. "We are here, let's see how you do with a weapon, Zachie-boy" Benji said mocking him.
Zach and Benji got into position and waited for the bell to ring. The bell rang and Zach and Benji started to spar. Zach repeatedly swings at Benji, while Benji easily dodges and hits Zach with one swing. "Step it up! Where's that skill?" he taunted.
Zach growled and charges forward. Zach and Benji's sword clashed a few times, until Zach landed a blow, sending Benji sliding back.
"Good! Now let's try incorporating your powers now!" Benji said. Benji glowed blue and a flare flew into the sky. Zach looked troubled and shot a yellow flare at Benji. Benji dodges and says "Prepare yourself! Rune Wreck!" Benji yelled.
Zach looked up to see the blue flare beaming down at him. The blue flare blasted down to the ground, and dust rose. Benji stood in battle position waiting for the dust to clear. Benji sheathed his swords and said "I win" and laughed.
Zach put his sword away and laughed. "What's so funny?" Benji asked.
"Oh, nothing… just the fact that I definitely owned you just now" Zack replied. "It was a tutorial, dude. Don't get cocky." Zach laughed again and walked away.
"Do you even know where you're going, hotshot?" Benji said. "To Sarah, am I right?" Zach said. "Oh, Zachie-boy knows how to listen!" Benji mocked. "Just like Benji-boy knows how to get owned." Zach said walking away. Benji looked at Zach walk away and thought "That kid is something. He is just might be what we need."
Zach took out his sword while walking. He just couldn't shake the feeling of having the sword in his hands. As, he put the sword away, Neariah's voice come on the intercom. "Zach, come to the conference room. I repeat, Zach to the conference room."
Zach sighed and wondered what was next. On his way to the conference room, he saw Sarah laying in a pool of blood. Zach's face was shocked and scared. Zach was paralyzed in shock. "S-s-s-sarah?" he said in a shaky voice. He bent down to her body and shed a tear. "I wish I could heal you…" he whispered.
Suddenly his yellow aura went into Sarah's body and glowed. Sarah back flipped up and winked. Zach's heart jumped and felt relieved. "What happened, Sarah?!" Zach asked.
"I just taught you Medic!" Sarah said. Zach bent down and observed the blood. It smelled like tomatoes, and Zach realized that he had been fooled. "Why did you do that, Sarah?! I was scared to death!!" Zach said.
"Well, Avenging powers are born of emotion most of the time. Medic is a basic power that all Avengers have." Sarah said. "Still not very nice…" Zach said cracking a smile.
Sarah hugged Zach, and Zach face turned slightly red. "Awww, you were worried about little ol' me!" Sarah said.
"Ummm…yeah" Zach said quietly. Sarah let go and said "Let's go to the conference room, now."
Zach nodded and walked with Sarah to the room.
Chapter 6
When they arrived, they saw everyone. Benji, Debra, and Neariah were all standing at the other side of the table. "It's time for the final test, Zach." Neariah said. Zach observed Neariah was dressed in an armored outfit. A battlefield rose up and Neariah jumped onto it. Sarah pushed Zach onto the battlefield, and Debra sealed off the battlefield.
"What the hell?!" Zach said. "The final test… is a fight with the leader. I am Neariah Strife, Commander for Ranked #1 Soul Guardian Squadron. You must last in battle with me to pass!" Neariah said while charging forward. Neariah took out her double daggers and swung at Zach. Zach narrowly dodged, and sprayed a few bullets at Neariah. Neariah's green aura stopped the bullets. "It's gonna take more than that to beat me!!" Neariah yelled sending a green blast to Zach. "Hunting Delight!!" Neariah yelled.
Zach was hit by the blast and flipped back up. "Guess I can't hold back" Zach thought to himself. Zach charged forward and landed a few blows on Neariah then used Bullet Beam. Neariah slid backwards, and green aura started to show. Zach charged at her, but green fire hit him before he reached Neariah.
"Blazing Amazon." Neariah said. Zach got up feeling mad and broken, and yellow aura started to cover his whole body. Neariah slashed Zach, then Zach gripped on Neariah's arm and smiled. He kicked Neariah upwards, and Neariah flew up. Zach jumped up landed multiple blows and hit Neariah down to the battlefield. As Zach was still in the air, he turned his blade into two machine guns. Zach fired down at Neariah while spinning got at her. "Bullet Brigade!!!!" Zach yelled at the top of his lungs.
Bullets pressed down on Neariah rapidly, and when Zach finally collided with Neariah, smoke rose into the air. Zach jumped out of the smoke cloud, still on guard. When the smoke cleared, Neariah was standing with minor injury. Neariah walked forward and said "Well played, Zach."
That special attack would have killed me if I didn't use Celtic Barrier back there. Zach looked back to see the green force field still standing. Zach smiled and as fatigue sat in, he fainted. Neariah caught him, and thought "Well done, Zach. You deserve the rest."
Zach woke up in his room, and had a heavy headache. He saw the sunshine rays coming through his window and the sound of the birds singing. His phone rang, and he answered "Hello?"
"Get up, Zachie-boy. Breakfast, get used to it." Benji said hanged up immediately after. Zach laughed and got out of bed. He went out to the living room, to see Debra in an apron and everyone eating breakfast. "Come on, Zach. Come dig in." Neariah said with a fork full of food.
Zach pulled up a seat between Neariah and Sarah, and gazed at his food. It was scrambled eggs with ham and cheese, with a glass of orange juice. Zach took a fork and took small amounts of food at a time. "Zach, I never got the chance to tell you, but that attack you did was absolutely breathtaking!" Debra said with a mouthful of eggs.
Everyone nodded in agreement and Zach smiled. "I'm not even really sure how I came up with it, really" Zach said.
"Your labyrhythm's reaction to your intense emotion" Sarah said happily eating her breakfast.
"Ms. Know it all strikes again!" Benji says while typing on his laptop.
"That's my sister you're talking about, you illiterate buffoon." Debra said.
Zach stifled his laughter, and Neariah looked at Zach with a look Zach knew well. Whenever Zach did something wrong or annoying, Neariah had always given the same look. "Shut up, triggerhappy." Benji said.
"Yeah, my trigger was really happy when it put you flat on your back." Zack replied.
"Ooohhhh!" spread all across the room. Benji stayed silent as he focus on his laptop screen. "Check this out…" Benji said.
"What's up, Benji?" Neariah asked.
"I just got notification from HQ that squads of brutes are coming to attack us here." Benji said.
"What's a brute?" Zach asked.
"They are the Deceiver's fighters. They dress in black robes and they are pretty capable fighters." Sarah said.
"Whoever is leading these guys doesn't seem to think we can handle ourselves. Let's get suited, guys!" Neariah said. Zach's body throbbed; he hadn't fully recovered from using Bullet Brigade. Sarah looked at Zach, and said "Zach hasn't recovered yet. I don't think Medic heals fatigue…" Sarah said.
Zach looked down and said "Ummm I can still fight, I think."
"Zach just go rest right now, we will call you when it's time to fight, okay?" Neariah said. Zach nodded and went into his room.
He heard murmurs of conversation outside his door. He dozed off to the sound of the chatter. A loud sound woke Zach up. He threw off the sheet cover and took out his Bulletblade. He went down to the apartment entrance, and saw men in black gowns pinning down his friends. Zach jumped down from the staircase and sent down multiple Bulletbeams, and landed a powerful blow on one brute. "Wake me up, huh?!" Zach yelled while combatting a brute.
"You were tired, Zach. It wasn't a good idea to have you fight your first not at 100%" Neariah said while swinging at another brute.
"You guys were about to lose!" Zach said.
"We knew you'd come in the nick of time! So just start fighting!" Neariah said slaying a brute.
Zach continued fighting off the brutes. There were about 70 in total. Benji used Rune Wreck, Debra used Lancing Dancing, and Sarah used Smart Bomb. Soon enough, the brutes retreated. "That was a
workout," Benji said.
(Authors note: This was the beginning of what I wrote. Everything beyond here, is writing due to my criticisms and suggestions. I may put a few of these throughout the story. After the ending parenthesis, the story continues, just for future referece)
Everyone sighed out of relief, sheathing their blades. Zach looked around at the disgusting scene. Tiles from the floor were pulled off, the walls were filed with holes, and decorated with a coat of blood.
"This place was pretty nasty before, but this is just..." Zach whispered.
"This isn't the first attack." Sarah replied.
"It is the first one of this magnitude. Like I said, our squad is the best of the Avengers. Next to Avenger HQ, we wear a huge target. I'll talk to Galvaniser Krandle about a better location." Neariah said.
Benji came behind Neariah and whispered "But, Neariah...You and Krandle-"
"Yeah, so let's head up!" Neariah said interrupting Benji and running up the stairs. Benji shook his head, and trodded up the stairs.
"Come on, Sarah. Come up, and help me out with my exercise!" Debra exclaimed. Sarah nodded and headed up with Debra.
Zach stood in his place for a minute, then headed up. Zach walked inside and walked to his room. While passing Neariah's room, he heard Benji's muffled voice. Zach put his ear to the door, and listened in.
"Krandle doesn't like our squad very much, and you know that." Benji said
"Well we can't keep taking these attacks! What if we weren't home, Benji? The Deceivers are advancing in their technology, what makes you think that they don't have some new gadget to get past the security system?" Neariah yelled.
"Neariah, you know Krandle still won't care. Your past with him isn't too great if you don't remember."
Zach heard a loud thump.
"I don't care! He's the Galvaniser now! It is now his job to keep the Avengers operational, and well-defended! If he is too stuck up to et past what happened, then it is his problem! End of discussion!"
Zach heard thunderous footsteps, and swiftly walked into his room. Zach jumped onto his bed, and thought about what he overheard. Who was Krandle, and what's up with all that "past" business? Zach shook the thoughts, knowing that he wasn't meant to hear that. Zach walked to his window and looked out to the scenery. The sun was setting over the skyscrapers, and pedestrians filled the streets. Cars sped, leaving massive amounts of car exhaust and skid marks. Zach closed his blinds, and went to bed.
While he slept, he heard the the front door slowly close. His eyes immediately opened, and slowly got out of bed. He picked up his weapon, and slowly walked out to the door. He heard the sound of footsteps going down the stairs. He peeked down and saw Neariah in her battle suit, heading down to the door. Zach watched closely as Neariah opened the door. "Krandle..." Neariah angrily said.
"Neariah, my stubborn underling!" Krandle happily said.
"Don't take that buddy-buddy tone with me! What's with you?!" Neariah yelled.
"Whatever do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb! Why are you trying to have Zach decommissioned?!"
Zach's heart trembled, but he continued listening.
"You admitted him without a word to the HQ. He is too young and ignorant. It's not safe for him here."
"Krandle, I swear! You know damn well he can handle himself just fine! I know you saw the training and the fight we had! I intentionally left your little cameras there so you would! Do you really think your that clever?"
"Ah, Ms. Strife. I knew there was something wrong when I actually succeeded in bugging the apartment. I cannot allow him to stay, just because he is your brother. He is skilled for a beginner, but there are tougher things out there besides brutes. When his labyrhythm is officially developed, we are going to take him out."
"Why do you grudge after me like this?! I let you have the Galvaniser title, I let you beat me in the battle for it when you knew I had the upper hand, and I even let you take Proxy into your own squad!"
"I have no idea what you are talking about. I will be going now."
"Krandle, I am sick and tired of your bullshit! If you insist on doing this, then the Soul Guardian Squadron is leaving the Avengers! We have labyrhythms beyond your your termination, and we can do the same to Zach! You, and this damn society has been breathing down our necks for years and we dealt with it! I refuse to make my members endure this oppression any longer! From this moment on, I hereby cut the Soul Guardians out of the Avengers!
Krandle walked away and stated "Have it your way. I want you out of this building by next week. I order all weaponry and all other Avenger merchandise given back when the courier comes to take them. Remember this Neariah, my sweet, if my blade ever has to turn on you...the upper hand will be mine. That goes for you and your little members. Have a nice life, Guardians..."
Krandle snapped and disappeared. Neariah stood outside looking out into the full moon. "Zach, you can come out." Neariah said.
Zach's heart jumped again and he walked out.
"Why did you do that?" Zach asked.
"I can explain in the morning. For now, go to sleep. In the morning, we have tons to do."
Zach nodded and went back to his room. He walked into the room, and splashed down onto his bed.
If my blade were to ever turn on you...the upper hand will be mine. That goes for you and your little members. Have a nice life, Guardians..." Those words echoed in Zach's head.
Zach closed his eyes and fell asleep.
_____________
To Be continued
Comments: 13
Well this is a tricky one. Normally I am critt'ing work as it stands as literature or general fiction writing. This is a little of both fiction and game design. So I will try to divide my review of this accordingly.
First in terms of writing:
There is still a lot of work that needs to be done on this. First important detail: always try to indent and separate dialogue. Don't run various people talking within the same paragraph. It is improper and looks unprofessional(and it's harder to read and follow).
Second: Go through and look at your dialogue closely. Take a moment and either read it aloud to yourself when no one is around, or, use a text-to-speech to have it read it to you. Only then will you begin to realize there is a certain unnatural edge to some of the dialogue. A bit of it works, but some of it feels very cliche and "scripted".
Third: Run over this sucker with a moderate toothed comb. Others have cited you for this already, and I see the note where you added more to this piece after comments, but I saw no sign of you actually re-working the first portion to clean up wrong word usage, mis-spellings and poor sentence structure. I too stumbled on a lot of sentences.
Lastly: Details are a must. As it stands you have what feel like archetypical "cookie cut outs" of all your characters. I could tell you little about your own people based on what has been given, and that's not going to help you. If you want someone to create, or READ text written by you it has to invoke strong and distinct images. It has to capture the imagination of it's reader and inspire them. What you have written so far feels more like a rough first draft of a script, and even then it's poorly built to be one of those.
Second Half: As a game design.
The general plot and concept here sounds a lot like a lot of other conspiracy theory "government and religion is out to control everyone" ideas. First thing I thought of when I began was " Hey this sounds a lot like They Live... or a Final Fantasy game.. or the matrix.. or..". Being compared to some of the greats is ok, but not when it is for the sake of saying this: your core concept as it is detailed right now is completely unoriginal. A major organization using lies and brainwashing to control the masses? Have you seen V for Vendetta or The Village or The Island or Equilibrium? The idea is used, a LOT, in modern pop culture. If you want this to work, especially for a game, you need to create a universe that is truly unique, interesting, and eye catching. Thats why a lot of the Final Fantasy games work, because not only are they well designed games (in general) but they work so hard on making a new, fresh, but inspiring universe with each game. Yes there is familiar imagery and concepts, but the ideas about magic, combat, setting, characters, geography, technology... it all shifts up a lot from game to game. What you have here feels very much like a typical game skeleton. The "bones" of the game with no real details flesh or blood added to it to give it a life. And if you lay 10 people next to each other as skeletons, it's a lot harder to see the real differences between. What you want is not only all the dramatic scenes you've created but for them to take place in a unique NEW world that stands out with unique interesting characters that a gamer can relate to. As one person commented already, what you have may only really appeal to the 16 and under crowd, which may or may not be your intent. But personally, I would hope you shoot for a much wider audience so as to grab the biggest fan base and the greatest market share.
As a game treatment or script, you will want to be a lot more definite about your structure too. If you don't want to go into amazing detail for each character and every setting, preface each with a block of text that gives said detail and be done with it. Sort of like writing a screenplay for a theater production. Set the stage. Tell the viewer what they see and where. If you have never done this, maybe try to review or read a few movie or stage scripts off the web to get a notion of the design. I took a class on it in college, it's a very different method of writing then typical fiction, but it is a structure that exists for a reason, and one that is understood and accepted.
I like the fact you have tried to use game terms and ideas for the spells and abilities. The whole "Gun Blade" idea is cute, but considering how peppered the technology has become in games and anime nowadays, you may want to slip in a few original weapons too(or introduce it with a bit less "oh wow i've never seen that before"). As well the names of the various major groups needs a bit of polish. the "brutes" and "avengers" and "deceivers" are about as generic as one could get. Like I said before, make it unique. Fresh. POP. Imagine you have never played this game before and read the basic write-up on the back of the box. Would it spark your interest enough to drop $60 on a game about " the avengers take on the deceivers' brutes in a fight for humanity!" ? Hell that sounds like a generic line for several dozen games I've played...
Don't take this all as just hate mail or haters trying to hate. I admire your ambition, and I would love to see you achieve it. I had a massive concept for a game I thought up years ago. I spent tons of hours not only writing up the universe and factions and classes and magic system, the technology and philosophy, economy and well.. everything else I could think of, but I built charts and systems to allow for the magic to be upgradeable, customizable by the player and versatile in combat. After all that I ended up again revising the core mechanics to be easier and streamlined, without lacking the depth I liked. And then I began blogging as some of the fictional characters living in my "game world" and created their own lives, personalities, and interests. What came of that is what has been almost a lifelong project,still in the works, with technology, back story, a world history, and tons of write-ups for the characters I want to stick with. I will turn it all into a series of books, which if successful, can then move back into the very game I wanted to originally make.
What I am saying is, try to attack this puppy from a few angles. Write up a script of key events, like this piece is. Write up a history of the "world". write up key characters. Explain the magic, combat, technology. Do short stories of the characters lives through an "episode" of the greater story. Stuff like that. the more ways you imagine and create this game world, the more you'll understand it AND the more detailed and "real" it will become to you and your readers(and a game company looking to buy it). Try doing an exact description (or play-by-play) of the actual first 5 minutes of game play as a gamer would experience it trying this out. Is it exciting? action packed? intriguing? scary? What is the tone of the plot/game/scene and does every detail help amplify that?
The note you had in the comments about being offered a chance to let Square use this, if you're not completely full of crap, is a significant claim. But don't be fooled, I've talked to a lot of people in the industry, and typically the road to become a lead game designer starts at the QC level and requires a lot of climbing the ladder and YEARS of boring droll work in the industry. So if you GET the option to have a company buy or use your ideas(and you can retain some modicum of credit) then DO it. Most game publishers or dev teams won't just buy a game concept off the street from a nobody. So if you have the chance, grab it. And if not, bust your butt to make something they can't refuse. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
Good luck and keep at it. Try and re-work what you have so far at least and clean it up to look spit shined. Then go nuts!
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xD This is a great critique, and I have newer more "spitshined" versions going. Also about Square, My dad was on with an old final fantasy game, so I had a connection. I really gave it thought, so even if I were PAID, I wouldn't have. It's just something I have to see grow myself. I'm trying t get a whole rescripted RPG MAKER VX version as a prototype to pitch to companies in the future, so I'm definitely serious. Though I wish I had the help of my dad, I think this will become a video game, and not with Square. I'd rather take this on with a bunch of amazingly skilled dreamers, and I think I'd be able to find that on DA. I'm leaning more to a game than a novel, but there's always a backup plan.
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Well I wish you the best of luck. I'll try and find that newer version and take a look at it.
What you may want to do is begin looking at the major mod communities for different game engines and consider working together the game you want that way. rpgmaker is pretty in depth but most versions I've seen are also fairly primitive. If you can compile a newer visually and thematically gorgeous demo of the game you want to make.. who knows how far it could take you. I'm currently working towards a major mod for Fallout 3 that with enough support could be stellar. sadly, it's hard finding it. But if you do.. haha.. well let's just say if you look at the dev team that made Zeno Clash and their history, you'll see even the little guys can make it big.
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If you got that into a video game...oh gosh, id play it! Would you like square enix to make it?
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Funny
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WHAT!!!!!! You probably had your reasons.
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i would tend to agree with tanzchai...the story so far lacks description and depth...it's a little choppy in places too and the sentences don't read all that well, i found myself tripping up on them a couple times...other than that, it's a good story.
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You wanted honest opinions.
The ideas seem to be reasonable. At the moment it reads like a rough outline of a plot rather than a solid story though. Surely there's a big difference between writing for a game and for a book? I've written a novel and am writing another, i'm pretty sure i'd have to change my style quite a bit if I wanted to write the same story for a game though? I could be wrong
Looking at it from a novel point of view, where are the descriptions? It seems quite rushed as though you want to get on and sink your teeth into the good bits, the action. When you get to the fight scene for example, again, no proper descriptions. You need to pad it out, add in the atmosphere, the feelings, emotions. Describe the surroundings, give it all a bit more depth.
From a game point of view the way it reads isn't so bad. To my mind, the flow doesn't matter quite so much. It'd be nice to have a bit more of a back story. Those descriptions are also still very important. Surely you need to really get into the atmosphere, set the scenes etc for the artists, programmers whatever to work from?
You've got to consider some aspect of realism and your target audience too. A 14 year old boy suddenly thrown into super-powers isn't entirely realistic and I wouldn't see it appealing to people over the age of 16 or so 
I hope that helped
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Understood. So in essence, I have to describe th moments better. This IS meant to be a game, but games like Final Fantasy are so successful due to the emotion they out into it. I have to get more emotion into it also.
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yea
I mean, I haven't tried writing for a game so I can only really say what seems logical to me. Try reading a couple of my most recent pieces such as [link] and [link]
Maybe they'll help you see what I mean. Like I said, the ideas seem solid, like they could work. You just need to get into those descriptions now
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