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Copywright — Divinity Soul Chapter Eight
Published: 2010-11-05 18:10:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 230; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 10
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Zach awoke to the impact of things falling on him. Dazed, he squirms his way out, feeling the texture of what was dumped on him. He falls out of his bed, to see a pile of clothes still on his bed, and Benji laughing at the door."Oh, that's good stuff, man" Benji guffawed, wiping tears.
Enraged and grouchy, he clenched his fists and angrily approached Benji.
"Before you o something that will result in your own pain," Benji says, looking unimpressed. "Take a closer look at the pile," he continues.
Zach turns back at the pile, to see all of his old clothes. He ran back over to the pile, his mood swinging to glee. His whole wardrobe from his old closet returned feeling softer than ever before. He walked over to Benji again, his face showing signs of disgust at what he was about to say.
"T-t-thank you...Benji," Zach muttered, running a hand through his hair.
"Don't thank me, it was Neariah's orders" Benji scoffed, walking off swiftly.
Zach rolled his eyes, and began to organize his wardrobe.
"Hurry up, and take a shower. You know we have lots to do, today,"' Neariah nagged, walking by.
Zach hung and folded his clothes, and packed them into his drawers and closet. He took a black sleeveless shirt, a pair of black jeans, and a white towel then whistled to the bathroom.
"Finally..." Neariah sighed.
"Everyone! To the conference room!" Neariah commanded.
Sarah immediately ran out, and nodded. Debra slowly emerged from her room, still in her purple pajamas, and stretched.
"Come on, guys. Benji should be done setting up, so lets go. It's important," Neariah said, making her way to the elevator. Sarah walked into the elevator, gesturing Debra to hurry. Debra walked over, slouched and grumpy from being awoken.
Zach emerged from his shower, energized and hungry. Zach looked around, noticing the usual bustle of the morning wasn't present. Zach walked into the living room, to see a note taped on the table.
'The conference room. Now. Punk.' he read, instantly knowing who left it. He sighed, and entered the elevator. He anxiously waited until he heard the third bell sound. Catching on to recent antics, he cautiously walked through the hallway with his weapon in hand. He walked into to the conference room to see Benji standing at the left end of the room with a remote.
"Showtime!" Benji exclaimed, pressing a button on the remote. A trap door opened below Zach, and he hung on to the floor. Benji walked over and stepped on his fingers, causing Zach to fall instantly.
Zach fell flat on his back on a hard floor. He yelled in pain, cursing Benji. He rose to realize the darkness. Zach improvised, using his aura as a candle. He walked around the unknown place, and saw machines he didn't see before. Zach took another step...a fatal step. The step activated a machine of some sort. Metallic whirring became increasingly louder to the point of deafening. Frantically, Zach shot bullets all around the room. The whirring stopped, and Zach sighed out of relief. The whirring began again, this time accompanied with metallic wires coming at him. He anticipated many of them, valiantly slicing away at the wires, but they kept on coming in larger magnitudes. Zach was cover in wires, and pulled down to the floor. Zach, with all his strength, tried to pull himself form the wires. A machine slowly rose from the ground, and seemingly aimed at Zach. He reached for his BulletBlade, which was unfortunately out of his reach. The machine started to glow a bright blue, and he began to fearfully flail around. The machine screeched and fired a blue beam. Zach screamed as the beam swallowed him whole.
"The battle is just beginning, Zach. You sure you can handle it?" a familiar voice said.
Zach awoke to find himself in a completely white atmosphere. He gazed at the atmosphere, seeing nothing but blank white.
"Who is this?" he asked still dazed.
"This is not important to you at the time being. For now, know that I bring an important blessing." the voice stated, appearing to be coming closer.
A shadowed figure appeared before him. The figure reached out and struck Zach in his chest. Zach braced for impact, surprisingly feeling nothing.
"Let it be done." the voice commanded.
The figure disappeared and a long black line formed. The line grew rapidly, until Zach frightfully sprang up from the conference room table.
"Welcome back!" Sarah exclaimed, hugging Zach.
Zach held in his blush, and thanked her. Zach stood, feeling unusual weight.
"Turn around!" Debra commanded.
Zach obeyed, to see her holding a mirror. Zach looked in the mirror and was awed by what he saw. He was wearing the same sleeveless black shirt and black jeans, but with completely new additions. Zach was now wearing a facemask that stopped at the climax of his nose, shoulder and chest silver armor plates, black battle gloves, a metal silver belt with a black sheath, new silver armored material on the shin area of his jeans, and lightweight boots with silver armored material, and a long silver scarf that went down his back. He also had a new silver mark on his forehead, resembling a horizontal half-cut circle and new blue inscriptions on his sword.
"What is all this?!" he asked, still awestruck.
"That's your battlesuit, bro," Neariah said with pride.
"Quite cool, I might add" Debra said, winking at Zach happily.
"This will be the outfit that will come on whenever your brain releases a distress signal that danger is around. Even if you're wearing something else, your clothing will change to this battlesuit. The amount of danger you brain gives off, will determine how much of the battlesuit forms. You will have to practice on how to make your brain give off these waves without being faced with danger directly, and how to suppress the battlesuit to not become easily endangered," Neariah stated.
Zach nodded, but then turned his attention to the silver mark.
"What's this, then?" Zach curiously asked.
"Your fully developed labyrhythm. It's the receiver of the signal that tells the battlesuit to come. It is the source of aura and stored energy. We believe labyrhythms are capable of way more than this. Labyrhythm research was supposed to be funded to us for Sarah, but due to recent 'events'...it was called off," Neariah replied.
"For now, go get some rest and come talk to me later for some diagnostics and examinations on your battlesuit and labyrhythm. After that, me and you are going to have an exhibition match to measure your capabilities," Debra said confidently.
"Alright then. Zach, downstairs, and get some rest. Everyone else...I have to tell you about what happened last night..." Neariah said sullenly.
Zach's face saddened and he walked into the elevator. 'I wonder how they're going to react...' Zach thought to himself.
'What if they...leave?' Zach asked himself sadly. Zach shook away the thought after the bell ringed. He walked into his room. As his battlesuit seemingly disintegrated, he threw himself on his bed, and immediately dozed off.
Comments: 3
Hi, there!
First of all, there's some technical problems with your story: you have a number of typos, like in "Before you o something" or the triple closing quotation mark after "we have lots to do, today". The tenses of the verbs are all over the place - you really have to choose whether the story should be written in the present tense or the past tense. You also have repetitions, like in "He falls out of his bed, to see a pile of clothes still on his bed"
In other words, it's in need of a good proofreading.
Aside from that, the story is lacking a certain something. It doesn't really grip me, or make me want to read more. Fortunately, there's a good way to achieve that - add a bit of realism. Give us some insight in how your characters feel on the inside, what they think, in what attracts their attention in their surroundings... Don't try to achieve the mood by giving us just adverbs or the occasional sigh - you can play a bit with the words, expand, show, not tell.
Let me show you what I mean:
"He sighed, and entered the elevator. He anxiously waited until he heard the third bell sound." could be rewritten something like... "He sighed. These people - they had no respect and it was getting tiresome. He entered the elevator and anxiously waited for the bell for the third floor to sound, squirming ever so slightly and shifting from one foot to the other, unable to stop himself from doing so."
Obviously, I'm not saying you should use that. I have no idea what your character is feeling, I just needed an example to work with. What I'm doing there is basically entering the character's mind and observing his body to see what's going on. Why is he sighing? How exactly is he anxious? Gestures tell us as much about characters as they do about their moods, so the readers will have a better idea of who they are.
Now, my suggestions of improvements are basically based on what I do - but there's more than one way to write. What really helps is opening your favorite books and checking to see how the writers who wrote those constructed their story, how they created their phrases, what details they edited in, how they expressed certain moods or feelings or settings...
Good luck e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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Thanks, and I'll take this into account. I've really been looking for someone willing to look over these chapter and add more senses of emotion to it, as I struggle in doing so. It's definitely a challenge to find someone to do so, for free nonetheless. Thanks for the help!
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