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CryptRose β Dragonfly
by-nc-nd
Published: 2009-01-20 21:10:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 250; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 2
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Description
White petals tear like butterfly wings.Breathe in, let stardust settle winter on your chest.
Snowflake fingers,
Touch of moonlight...
Silence blossoms
like morning at our windows.
Frozen whispers on your lips
Liquid sunlight cold as snow
Heaven eyed, go back to sleep...
When morning comes, you'll be alone.
Misty falls of snowflake tears
Shatter, fall and lay in crystals.
You saw the mist, I'll spare the clouds.
When morning comes, just let it be.
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Comments: 5
You might want to try and maintain a sort of consistency in the syllable count in individual stanzas. It helps keep the flow of the poem semi-constant. For instance, in the first stanza it's four syllables for the first line, four for the second, then 5 for the third. Personally I feel it would work better as just "Silence blossoms", and let the final line shatter the continuity (which adds emphasis to it). Similarly, the second stanza would work better if it were "on your lips" instead of "upon your lips". Third stanza works great, you flip the break in continuity and it works.
It's a good poem, I'd suggest looking at the works of WH Auden, specifically The Night Mai. Hehas a tendency to play with people's expectations in the way you seem to be flirting with.
(See, this time I left a value judgement instead of just a critique!)
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Took your advice hon. ^^
Thanks.
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Deve achar que sabe
Agr a sΓ©rio, tΓ‘ winduh! x3
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lol winduh n Γ© uma palavra que eu esperasse ver vinda de ti. Mas obrigado ^^
E eu n acho, eu sei. xP
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Hmmmm... it's a very pretty poem. You use nice descriptive words and I think it has a certain flow to it.
I'm just having trouble figuring out what the words are supposed to mean.
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