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CryptRose — headlock
by-nc-nd
Published: 2009-07-30 22:19:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 274; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 4
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Description
there's a lockin my mind keeping
everything out, sometimes
even myself.
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Comments: 32
I have trapped myself
inside of my lonely mind;
I cannot get out.
I have managed to lock myself in for more than seven years. Honestly, I would rather be locked out for a day.
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believe me, being locked out isn't all that nice either.
i have lost many things because of that. i overthink, overanalyse, everything else. but i dont understandmy self, and my feelings well eough to realise what they are untill it's too late. so i ted to act on logic, depending on my surroundings, people's actions... only to find out later that my actions hurt me.
i wish i could get inside my own mind as well as i cna get into everyone else's.
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I act only on logic and ignore my surroundings. doing so, I have only become sociopathic. In the short term, no damage was done. Long term, however, has made me incapable of maing friends. I distance myself because I have created a strange fear in myself.
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i am exactly the same. i have a confort zone, a minimal distance for people to stay at, and whenver anyone breaks that barrier, gets too close, i push them away. i think im too scared they wont accept me once they know all of me. also, too scared to get attached, let i be hurt further down the road.
i have relied on logic and rationalization my whole life, it's what keeps me functional.
it does more harm than good, though. it makes me more scared, and pushes me away from the few people that didnt let ME push them away.
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You seem to be as introverted as i am. Pushing people away when we feel that bad things could happen.
I call that preventing the elements of destruction. Because, we think too far ahead, or we speculate over some detail that will have an outstanding chain of events in our minds that won't end happily.
You depend on a stable chain of events, something that won't falter as things happen all around you.
If I am right, then change, on a very personal basis, can stress you out as much as it does me.
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someone has told me it was my very own prehemptive strike.
and , again, you're right. i am right now struggling with my fear of moving into college. som many things are uncertain and have changed in my life, as of late, that i am unable to predict what's to come. i has been driving me into panic, ocasionally, but right now im moe settled in that idea.
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You shouldn't focus on everything all at once. Collge can be stressful to think about. But that's where the problem's begin if you don't have a grasp on your own abilities.
Panic is just a different word for active confusion.
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too much change means i don't know what to expect. i don't deal well under stress. i need to rpedict the situations and know how i should react, otherise ill be generally hated by the end of day one.
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So, don't try to make any relations with anyone. SOmethings are better left to the side. Make priorities. Don't look too far ahead, no more than two hours ahead, focus on what is happening immediatly.
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i don't intend to. i'm not the kind of person people like at first impression. i'll just try to make it through college, with my degree, a few friends, and not too many enemies. the people worth getting a little closer to are the ones who stick around until they know me, accept my flaws, anxieties, paranoia, and who can resist my atempts at pushing them away, ong enough for me to stop being afraid and stop sending them away.
i'll be gladif i can find one. in a way, i filter people. only the very best get close enough to mean something to me, on the long term.
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Oddly enough, i do the same thing. I don't let someone get close, I onstantly push them away. Unfortunately, no one seems to be that persistent around here.
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i have 4 great friends that mean the world to me. two of them didn't have to deal with the pushing away,and right now they are falling further away from me, because of all the change it's being hard to hold on. the other two, well, they have learnt to deal, in different ways. one of them keeps the safety distance, nd only gets close when he knows i need to be reminded he is close, only at a distance. the other one has found a hole in my fence and lodged himself in a little corner of my mind, and yels orders from there the whole day.
i was lucky, to find these people. t usually helps f you try your hardest to give them, for a second, a little window of chance, a little benefit of doubt. that shows those worthy people that they will have a chance, if only they try hard enough.
i ha dit easy making those friends. it was around 7 to 5 years ago, and i as different then. after that, many things happened, including me fogetting everything that happeneed before 3 years ago. i knwo thats changed me, and now i have to work twice as hard to keep my friends and to have a chance at finding some news one,s and not end up completely alone.
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The one friend that I have now is slipping away from me. Not because I am pushing him away, but because I have less and less to relate to him anymore. It's a painfully slow process, and it's terrible to watch. but there is nothing i can do. We are opposites, really. No matter how i look at it, he is going away, sooner or later.
I take solace in the fact that there are other aliens out there. Aliens like you and me, whom i hope to meet and share similar stories with. I know I will never be completely alone, why?
Because another alien found me. An alien who i can't help but relate to on some level.
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i know how that feels.i have had that happen to me, with my family. if you try to fight it, it's much like trying to drag a huge boulder uphill, while you get increasingly tired. then, it starts to drag you down.
sometime,s the best, really, is just to let go. it's very painful, and it can get lonely. but you wont have any other chance when you're crushed at the bottom of the hill.
i have yet to find such aliens around here.
i am happy i found you, though, whom ican share this with, and share impressions. i think it's a good road into th understanding of myself.
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Anything that helps can't be all bad. I think that if you can relate in some way to someone or something else, then understanding one's self becomes easier because questions can be asked mutually.
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yes, and look at it this way. if we can discuss these things, and understand each other, it is possible that there wont be any need for opening up, exposing ourselves, or getting too close for safety, when talking. being alike allows us a sort of access to the other's mind, and i know i trust you more than i normally do poeple, after hearing you say words that mght very well have come from my own mouth.
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besides, if we both push eachother away, we will feel alone, if we embrace, we are afraid that the collison could destroy us. Simply put: we have no choice but to remain a safe distance away from eachother.
Interesting.
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yes. and who knows, maybe a slow careful approach such as these conversations we have won't be a safer way to let someone in.
also, if i push you away, youll know just what im doing and why, and you'll react differently from most people.
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Of course, even i am human enough to move to the side but not approach.
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good to see there is still some humanity left in us...
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You should never forget we are just as human as everyone else. We just think differently, intepret differently, defend differently.
We still desire, still feel, still see, still believe. We get hungry, just like everyone else. but we just hunger for different things.
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yes. only there are times when im afraid i dont feel much. most of all, im scared of someday not being able to go back.
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You may not feel physically, but mentally, as long as we desire and want, we are just as human as everyone else.
We may become cynical, angry, cold... but we also feel lonely like everyone else.
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i forget to feel lonely, at times. or maybe i just get used to it. i feel physically. maybe even too much, at times. but that kind of pain doesnt prove my humanity, only my nervous connections.
i have times when i dont care, and therefore dont feel. i use them for defense, and for thinking, detachedly.
but too much of it kills my personality.
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All that just means there is nothing, or none, knocking us out of or emo-stasis. Unless someone, or something causes us to laugh or move, then of course we get cold.
It's like yawning: You are just forgetting to breathe. When someone else yawns, you are suddenly reminded to take a breath and do so. When we are cold, we are just forgetting to breathe is all.
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you're right. but in that case, its not too good an evolutionary maneuver.
we push people away, lock ourselves inside a shell and stop feeling. and unless someone else comes and makes us snap out of it, in a way saving us, we will stay there.
yet another path to self destruction.
i do usually say that as long as im breathing i am fine.
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But people need people to survive in this world. A lot of the time, we don't realize we aren't breathing until someone makes us yawn.
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I do, sometimes.
I should just say what I mean, swallow my pride, my fear, and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have lost the most precious thing.
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I'm trying to prove that wrong, and fix my mistakes.
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