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Description
tw; unhealthy relationship, suicidal ideation
i dont feel comfortable elaborating TOO too much, especially since i already know for a fact my ex is still watching me.

anyway-

it hasnt even been a week yet since i cut ties w/ my ex, and honestly, i couldnt be any happier than i am now. my relationship w/ my ex was never healthy, even back when we were friends. it was like walking on eggshells and a literal waiting game; waiting for something, anything to improve long-term, and not just last a few weeks then some argument to start up again... it seemed like i was always the one at fault, when really; i hadnt really done anything wrong. even my ex had said i hadnt done anything wrong. yet even when i had done things that were rude or misworded he would often shame tf out of me or just insult me or ignore me. so yeah.. yet he sure acted like i was the worst. ever. he was always so manipulative, even when he never said he was trying to, and charming. i was totally blinded by my love for him, even when my gut kept telling me to basically run. i still wanted to give him a chance. to help him when he clearly needed it.

so many people IRL had tried to tell me to break up with him or not date him at all. They were concerned., especially after i had told them how.much pain and confusion I was in and how many times he had made me cry yet didn't show any empathy half the time... Yet I didn't listen..I didn't want to believe them.

I only saw the good in my ex. I loved him. I wanted him to improve and get the help he needed more than anything. i wanted us to get married, probably have a family someday- and i was willing to get disowned by my mother and possibly other family members if it meant I could be with my ex. even though they wouldn't/didn't approve, I wanted to give everything up. for him.

im happier now, yeah, but this still hurts, you know?

i tried so hard to make things work between us, yet none of my advice or genuine reassurance words worked. often instead of my ex taking the advice, the exact opposite would happen and suddenly i was the bad guy for trying to help and give him a different perspective on things. and he, essentially isolated, lovebombed, and manipulated me. I didn't know what was real anymore.

yet still, i waited. very little to nothing ever changed w/ my ex- besides of course my ex getting so distant from to the point where we'd only talk once or a couple times a day for a minute or half an hour if I was lucky- hardly enough that felt substantial. i felt I was just being selfish, needy, and tried to remain understanding.. even after my ex told me he 'has nothing to do all day'...

But after taking that, and finally taking into account everything he had ever done to me, was when i begun to seriously doubt my ex ever sincerely loved me. the best way i can put how I view him now is 'two-faced'. especially since recently he basically kept trying to act as if he supported something I'm currently into, yet shit talked it at the same time. literally not even a day after said something made me like, three dollars. I'd rather be told 'i hate what you're doing and I don't support it sorry' instead of being lied to.

my ex never communicated well with me; and one day, when i had finally snapped and had a complete mental breakdown due to my mother insulting me constantly over petty reasons, that i had completely felt done with it all and besides getting suicidal thoughts, i wanted to finally cut ties with my ex before i planned on... well. ending everything. i cut contact with my ex not before leaving a last message before i let him respond... and that alone was the worst thing i've ever done to him

. but even after trying to apologize, explain what happened and talk it out to give my ex closure, i got ignored. then, blocked instantly after i had asked 'block me if you dont want me to talk to you anymore'. its pretty funny... my ex would often say something along the lines of 'youre the the reasons why im still alive' and would often have told me how much he needed me... yet at the same time, would also basically said 'i'd still want to be friends'... despite there being a major difference in being romantic and friendly.

guess i've only got myself to blame for believing his bullshit, huh? lmao- i dont blame him for blocking me, but still... wow.

still, sometimes, i still wonder how things wouldve turned out if i hadnt finally and broken up with my ex after such a toxic relationship. wouldve i still felt unhappy, neglected, ignored, and used? or would've something actually have changed? would he have actually changed for me if i had just waited one more day? well... i suppose 'what ifs' dont matter anymore. at least now, at least my two sisters and mother had been supporting me through this, and two kitties i adopted recently have cheered me up significantly. i dont know what tomorrow will bring, besides a fresh start now that ive finally feel free from everyone who's fucked me over and taken advantage of my kindness and dumbassary. even now, i still feel guilt and wonder if anything could've been done to change how everything turned out, i now know that i did my best, and that you just cant change or help everyone. I always knew I was never perfect but now I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over what can't be helped. i did what I could with my whole heart and that was enough.

of course, not everything during the relationship was awful; ill never forget all the awesome times i had spent with my ex and the times that he did seem to show care, love, and support, which I hope was genuine. ill cherish the smiles we had for as long as I'll remember him, even though he probably hates me now and will likely forget about me altogether and move onto finding a new person to manipulate then string along.

i sincerely hope im wrong and being negative and paranoid, though. yet.. cant help but think that way because ive been in a handful of bad friendships and a couple toxic relationships before. just last year or so i had cut ties with three or so people who turned out to be fucked up. but yeah. to anyone whos read everything, thanks for reading. hope ya'll have a nice night/morning/evening/idk sorry this is all so messy or makes no sense im literally bout to pass out but i needed to finally get this off my chest and finally trying to move on from all this. i seriously can't be any more thankful for my family for actually understanding and supporting me this time around.

tl;dr i was/am depressed as fuck but i finally broke up with a manipulative and emotionally damaged person and now im so over done with being used and abused by others and not take care of myself and how im reminded of just how important my family is. also, cats.

Description
tw; unhealthy relationship, suicidal ideation
i dont feel comfortable elaborating TOO too much, especially since i already know for a fact my ex is still watching me.

anyway-

it hasnt even been a week yet since i cut ties w/ my ex, and honestly, i couldnt be any happier than i am now. my relationship w/ my ex was never healthy, even back when we were friends. it was like walking on eggshells and a literal waiting game; waiting for something, anything to improve long-term, and not just last a few weeks then some argument to start up again... it seemed like i was always the one at fault, when really; i hadnt really done anything wrong. even my ex had said i hadnt done anything wrong. yet even when i had done things that were rude or misworded he would often shame tf out of me or just insult me or ignore me. so yeah.. yet he sure acted like i was the worst. ever. he was always so manipulative, even when he never said he was trying to, and charming. i was totally blinded by my love for him, even when my gut kept telling me to basically run. i still wanted to give him a chance. to help him when he clearly needed it.

so many people IRL had tried to tell me to break up with him or not date him at all. They were concerned., especially after i had told them how.much pain and confusion I was in and how many times he had made me cry yet didn't show any empathy half the time... Yet I didn't listen..I didn't want to believe them.

I only saw the good in my ex. I loved him. I wanted him to improve and get the help he needed more than anything. i wanted us to get married, probably have a family someday- and i was willing to get disowned by my mother and possibly other family members if it meant I could be with my ex. even though they wouldn't/didn't approve, I wanted to give everything up. for him.

im happier now, yeah, but this still hurts, you know?

i tried so hard to make things work between us, yet none of my advice or genuine reassurance words worked. often instead of my ex taking the advice, the exact opposite would happen and suddenly i was the bad guy for trying to help and give him a different perspective on things. and he, essentially isolated, lovebombed, and manipulated me. I didn't know what was real anymore.

yet still, i waited. very little to nothing ever changed w/ my ex- besides of course my ex getting so distant from to the point where we'd only talk once or a couple times a day for a minute or half an hour if I was lucky- hardly enough that felt substantial. i felt I was just being selfish, needy, and tried to remain understanding.. even after my ex told me he 'has nothing to do all day'...

But after taking that, and finally taking into account everything he had ever done to me, was when i begun to seriously doubt my ex ever sincerely loved me. the best way i can put how I view him now is 'two-faced'. especially since recently he basically kept trying to act as if he supported something I'm currently into, yet shit talked it at the same time. literally not even a day after said something made me like, three dollars. I'd rather be told 'i hate what you're doing and I don't support it sorry' instead of being lied to.

my ex never communicated well with me; and one day, when i had finally snapped and had a complete mental breakdown due to my mother insulting me constantly over petty reasons, that i had completely felt done with it all and besides getting suicidal thoughts, i wanted to finally cut ties with my ex before i planned on... well. ending everything. i cut contact with my ex not before leaving a last message before i let him respond... and that alone was the worst thing i've ever done to him

. but even after trying to apologize, explain what happened and talk it out to give my ex closure, i got ignored. then, blocked instantly after i had asked 'block me if you dont want me to talk to you anymore'. its pretty funny... my ex would often say something along the lines of 'youre the the reasons why im still alive' and would often have told me how much he needed me... yet at the same time, would also basically said 'i'd still want to be friends'... despite there being a major difference in being romantic and friendly.

guess i've only got myself to blame for believing his bullshit, huh? lmao- i dont blame him for blocking me, but still... wow.

still, sometimes, i still wonder how things wouldve turned out if i hadnt finally and broken up with my ex after such a toxic relationship. wouldve i still felt unhappy, neglected, ignored, and used? or would've something actually have changed? would he have actually changed for me if i had just waited one more day? well... i suppose 'what ifs' dont matter anymore. at least now, at least my two sisters and mother had been supporting me through this, and two kitties i adopted recently have cheered me up significantly. i dont know what tomorrow will bring, besides a fresh start now that ive finally feel free from everyone who's fucked me over and taken advantage of my kindness and dumbassary. even now, i still feel guilt and wonder if anything could've been done to change how everything turned out, i now know that i did my best, and that you just cant change or help everyone. I always knew I was never perfect but now I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over what can't be helped. i did what I could with my whole heart and that was enough.

of course, not everything during the relationship was awful; ill never forget all the awesome times i had spent with my ex and the times that he did seem to show care, love, and support, which I hope was genuine. ill cherish the smiles we had for as long as I'll remember him, even though he probably hates me now and will likely forget about me altogether and move onto finding a new person to manipulate then string along.

i sincerely hope im wrong and being negative and paranoid, though. yet.. cant help but think that way because ive been in a handful of bad friendships and a couple toxic relationships before. just last year or so i had cut ties with three or so people who turned out to be fucked up. but yeah. to anyone whos read everything, thanks for reading. hope ya'll have a nice night/morning/evening/idk sorry this is all so messy or makes no sense im literally bout to pass out but i needed to finally get this off my chest and finally trying to move on from all this. i seriously can't be any more thankful for my family for actually understanding and supporting me this time around.

tl;dr i was/am depressed as fuck but i finally broke up with a manipulative and emotionally damaged person and now im so over done with being used and abused by others and not take care of myself and how im reminded of just how important my family is. also, cats.