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Published: 2010-10-24 08:11:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 910; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 7
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Description
Light shone down on lush green grass. Brightly colored flowers littered the landscape, turning their heads towards the heavens as if in worship to the deity that was the sun. Birds chirped in the trees, lending their musical cries to the windswept hills and hillocks. Colorful wings dotted the sky as butterflies flitted from flower to flower. Nature, or more specifically the animals that inhabited such an untouched paradise, frolicked to and fro beneath the bright green trees.For several minutes the world seemed to be at peace, simply going about its business; that stillness was shattered as some form of humanoid walked into the clearing, muttering to itself. A shapeless dark gray robe shielded its body, a shapeless white wood staff held in one hand. It cursed the laziness of it's student, glancing down at the ground as the person neared a particularly large tree. With a scowl the person ripped off his hood, revealing a man in his later fifties, at the very youngest. Short black hair was shot through with strands of gray. The human's forest green eyes narrowed, and he rapped the forehead of the young girl that lay there.
"Hey! Oww, that hurt!" she complained, sitting up with a yawn. She closed her amber eyes, shaking her head a bit. Shiny silver hair, streaked with stripes and spots of pure black positively gleamed in the sunlight. She shook her head, sliding herself to a standing position as she slowly took in the growling visage in front of her. "Master Daniel? What're you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in the Grand Hall, preparing for the ceremony."
"The graduation ceremony's already been completed! You slept through your own graduation!" The man before her positively roared; his fingers clenched so tightly around the shaft of the pale wood that Naiyo idly wondered for a few moments whether the wood or the fingers would snap first from the strain. "How in the world could you sleep through that!?"
"Because it's just graduation…?"
The flippant dismissal earned Naiyo little more then a shriek of pain as one of her furred leopard ears was gripped. She had no choice but to stumble along the path, mumbling curses under her breath. Her own robe occasionally caught and snagged on tree branches, yet luckily failed to rip as she was dragged into a hallway. The ceiling was vaulted up high off the ground, and the decorations were quite obviously of an early roman flavor, with statues of famous witches and wizards arranged all along the corridor. Naiyo sadly had precious little time to admire her surroundings however, what with the rather rude ear pulling she was being subjected to.
Daniel's heavy booted feet crashed heavily against the marble, in direct contrast to the girl's lighter, gentler padding. Naiyo flailed her three tails wildly, whipping them from side to side as she whimpered. Her hands gripped at the man's muscular forearm. She paid relatively little attention to the large door before her as it opened wide. Polished oak gave way to a relatively large room. Shelves lined the walls, paper- and hard cover books haphazardly arranged along the oaken pedestals. Several scraps of paper lined the floors, which were kicked as the pair made their way towards the center.
A large desk made of heavy thick wood sat in front of the lone window; a thick curtain hung down, shielding the occupants from the outside light. Dim shadows covered the room as the door slammed shut with a loud thud. Naiyo squeaked, her ear finally being let go as she turned her head to peer at the door in confusion. "Hey, was that supposed to close li-"
"Silence!" roared a voice, heavy in its wrath. Naiyo jumped at the suddenness and turned her head, eyes opening wide as she looked past the tall desk. Piles of books obstructed her view. From what she could see, however, the speaker appeared to have gray hair; long strands of the dark tinted hair hung over the near skeletal expression. Thin, papery skin coated the hand, raised slowly off the top of the desk to point at her, incriminatingly. "Are you… Naiyo… Taolla?" the voice that had seemed so powerful now sounded weak, feeble, as its owner leaned forward in his chair. Thick, fuzzy caterpillars hung immediately over his eyes, and it took Naiyo a second to realize that those were actually eye brows. The man was… well, ancient, to put it simply.
Lost for words at the visage of the specter before her, Naiyo could do little more then nod. She attempted to see the wraith like human's expression, but the light was too dim to afford her a better view. "Very well…" he wheezed. He hardly seemed to move, lowering his hand to gesture at the top of the pile on his left. Once she lifted the envelope that was on top, she blinked in surprise as she regarded the finely written letters on proud and prominent display. "That letter contains your graduation diploma, and the instructions for your next training assignment," he gasped airily, slowly curling his hands together with loud cracking.
Naiyo gasped, glancing down as she promptly reduced the letter to shreds; she licked her lips excitedly at the sight of the paper inside, and squealed in joy as she held it up. "I, I really did pass! Oh man oh man oh man, this is awesome!" she promptly turned onto her heels, starting to dance slowly. The men in the room simply chuckled, smiling at the childish sprightliness that the girl had.
Naiyo admired her diploma for several seconds. It was made of a very high quality vellum, feeling soft and smooth to the touch as the leopardess walked towards the door to let in more light. Bright blue letters shone at the top, spelling out the words Celestin University of Magic and Technology. And below them read the leopardess' chosen path...
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Comments: 6
Tohru-of-Marshmello [2010-11-27 23:16:34 +0000 UTC]
Resubmit this. I don't know why it expired.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
red-scarlet-carmine [2010-11-06 08:43:12 +0000 UTC]
APPRECIATE YOUR WRITING! (Or I won't hesitate to strangle you...)
And anyone else who reads this...don't even worry 'bout it.
XD
By the way, I really do love it. Very nice. Keep up the marvelous work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SunOwl [2010-10-28 23:53:41 +0000 UTC]
This sounds like the start of a story rather than a prologue (which usually gives background or information the reader needs to know before the story begins). I could be wrong, but I can't see any information that would be so central to the story that it couldn't be revealed in the natural course of storytelling.
The usefulness of a prologue aside, you need to watch the continuity of the story. For example, the first paragraph describes how events are unfolding on the hills but the second paragraph dives into the peace being shattered by an intruder to the scene. Since there wasn't peace on the hill in the first place (birds chirping, butterflies flitting about etc) then there was no peace to shatter. You need to put into words exactly what you see is being upset.
Nature, or more specifically the animals that inhabited such an untouched paradise, frolicked to and fro beneath the bright green trees.
Paint the picture for the reader, don't make them work for the image - that's the authors job. For example, a rabbit/hare/deer grazed its way through the dappled light cast by the shadow of the tree. It's head shot up and it looked towards the clearing. It skittered off when a humanoid figure appeared...
This passage demonstrates the use of nature itself to show what is being disturbed, how and by what.
Daniel's heavy booted feet crashed heavily against the marble, in direct contrast to the girl's lighter, gentler padding.
This is excellent, using contrast to describe and disseminate information about two of the characters.
...a thick curtain hung down, shielding the occupants from the outside light.
Unless otherwise specified, curtains will always hang down, so no need to say so - perhaps, thick curtains shielded the occupants from the glaring sun/twilight/overcast skies. These are all opportunities to impart information to the reader about the surroundings without listing them.
Your wordcraft has improved markedly since the first piece I read. Well done and keep on writing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
daimondstrike In reply to SunOwl [2010-10-29 00:45:45 +0000 UTC]
My thanks for the information! I'll take a read over right away and work to make it an even better story. My thanks for the encouraging words as well.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mindless-Spctr [2010-10-27 07:12:07 +0000 UTC]
Short simple and sweet... a bit too much like a short prologue. However, most people tend to make the prologue something that relates to the "present" story but has a sort of echo feeling to it. Think something like Superman's origins are his prologue rather than his current story.
The grammar and syntax is good and you have a firm grasp of using literary tools but you could use them more often. Use Similes, Hyperbole and Metaphors a bit more extensively and you should be able to pull off art that surpasses the masters... or at least gets you up there.
I think that's your biggest shortcoming in your works, which isn't a big one but it would help you take your time and look at your works a bit more than normal.
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