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daimondstrike — Sojourn 1 Rewritten
by-nc-sa
Published: 2010-06-23 08:55:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 1341; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 13
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Description
Early morning sunlight filtered in through the light curtains that hung in front of the window. The walls of plain, treated brown wood stood sentinal, shielding the occupants from outside disturbances, save for the single eastern window. In one corner, a standing lamp reached to about three fourths up the height of the room, a modest one hundred and twenty feet tall. The large, wide bed was pushed squarely up into the corner opposite the window. Three pictures sat in small frames on the large, oaken chest. In one, a black haired girl with cat ears, cradling a much smaller girl with blue hair. In another, the same black haired girl held what appeared to be a small boy on her palms, his hair flashing silver. In the last, the boy stood with an arm draped over the blue haired girl's shoulder. Smiles adorned the faces of those who had been frozen in time.The sound of a small yawn distracted Kara, pulling the catgirl out of her recollections. Long black hair swung from one side to the next as she glanced around before lowering her eyes to the wrinkled sheets. She felt her cheeks, slightly tan from the past, burn red as she laid her eyes on the yawner; a catgirl, easily no larger then her hand raised her head, her face scrunched up in a yawn as she rubbed her eyes. A thin white nightshirt clung to her small shoulders, draping loosely all down her body as she stood up, dark blue hair mussed up from the pillow and the sheets. Sky blue ears raised on the top of her head slanted to each side as she threw her arms wide in a stretch.
"Morning, Kara…" she murmured with a smile, stumbling along the bed in a stupor; the night shirt covered her lower section as it reached down to her knees. She smiled as she tripped, catching herself on one of Kara's legs, well muscled from a life many days past. The shirt hugged her small breasts as she reached up to rub the smooth, supple flesh. "Did you sleep well?" She asked, yawning lightly.
A great, pleasant smile rose on her face as she raised her sky blue eyes up to stare into the eyes which gazed down at her from so high up; a gold sun and a silver moon, reflected in those orbs. "Yeah, I slept nice…" was her reply. Kara raised a hand, brushing her aqua colored bangs free of her face as she grinned. "And you, Mist? It's so rare for you to be up this early in the day. It's hardly seven."
"I heard you moving on the bed, honey. It's hard to sleep when I have a big girl moving around on the bed next to me," Mist muttered, her melodic voice low as she narrowed her eyes playfully up at her companion. "You're all of eighty five feet tall Kara; I'm a mere five feet. All that kitty certainly makes a lot of noise in bed!"
"I-It's not as though I intended to be so noisy!" Kara gasped, pouting. She was unable to control her admittedly sharp voice as she frowned, pursing her lips deeply. A long black snake, light blue in color at the tip, tapped on each side of her body.
"I'm just teasing you Kara! Silly kitty, you don't have to be so serious!" Mist giggled as her body contorted in mirth. "On a more serious note, I'm in desperate need of more sleep. Would it be alright with you if I asked to borrow those watermelons you call breasts as my bed?"
"They're not that big…" Kara growled in a huff, crossing her arms as her admittedly prodigious bosom pressed tightly against her bright blue bra.
"And you always sleep in your underwear! Are you trying to tell me something, pretty kitty?" Mist teased, laughing even more at Kara's embarrassment as she wrapped her tail around her lacy blue underwear.
"You're speaking rot! What garbage flows through that brain of yours?" Kara snarled, turning as she stood up, stomping her feet against the bare marble floor. Her tail twitched erratically in her irritation, her expression rivaling a tomato's in color.
"Kara! I'm just teasing you, come back!" Mist wailed, running across the firm mattress. She waved her arms in a clear sign of distress before her foot snagged on the large cotton bed spread, sending her sprawling to the mattress. "Eeep!"
Smiling, Kara turned back to her flustered lover, winking at her with a grin that spoke of great cheer. "You judge me wrongly. It's not a problem if you'd like to use my body as bedding Mist. You need but ask!" She said, smiling as she bowed low before Mist, baring her twin peaks.
Mist's expression flushed in embarrassment, but a sweet smile was still evident as she gave a small curtsy. She took a step forward, then another as she practically ran at Kara, leaping across the small gap between beds as she landed face first in the big cat's bosom. As if rehearsed, Kara straightened her back, which sent Mist bouncing a short distance closer to the giant as she landed just short of the collar bone. Mist breathed a deep sigh as she let herself sink into the canyon between the soft mountains as she opened her eyes in a serene smile. "Thank you Kara…" she murmured as sleep once again beckoned to her.
In response, Kara simply smiled, nodding as she raised her hands up to press against her love in a gentle hug. 'Such moments as these… there is nothing I could ask for a better morning, even should I have a breakfast the likes that even a god would dare not attempt to consume…'
* * * * * * * * * * *
At sixteen years of age, Kara had become a paladin. A goddess had graced the young catgirl with her presence and communion, allowing the till-then squire to rise into the ranks of the paladin. Despite it being a mere half year since the hallowed ceremony, many incantations and spells of her matriarch burned in Kara's mind.
She walked a simple dirt road, cut into the thick of a forest. Ankle high grass grew on either side, and patches covered the road before her for several yards at times. Despite her even-then considerable height, the trees dwarfed her by several times her size. Thick vines hung between the trees. However, despite the lush greenery around her, there were few animal noises. Not a bird chirped in the trees. No rodents scurried under foot to and fro. Even the very air was devoid of insects. Kara's leather leggings creaked slightly as she paused, resting one hand on her hip. She glanced at the floor to the right, near the base of a tree.
"It would appear as though hearsay rings true. The creatures of this continent would seem to be much smaller then they are on other continents. Why then are the trees unaffected?" She questioned herself. She raised a hand, scratching at her chin with her gloved finger.
A plain leather brigandine, devoid of ornamentation, covered her chest and stomach, her bosom held in place snugly by a plain corset. Her leggings, also devoid of ornamentation, hugged her legs like a second skin, holding tight to the well muscled limbs. She looked down to her gauntlets, flexing her fingers once as a test; the leather responded without a sound as she clenched her fist. A pair of pauldrons, also of the light material, rested on her shoulders, held in place by various straps. A large, heavy single edged zwei-hander, was held in place in its sheath on her back. The large, steel blade reached from just below her shoulder all the way to her knee.
She walked over to the tree, crouching low as she examined the object that had piqued her interest; the remnants of a small campfire, hardly larger then a finger nail. Nestled up against the tree, what had caught the neko's eye was the odd ring of cut grass that currently lay to the right of the fire. Unlike the rest of the grass, this one was bright red, and a sniff quickly brought up images of a burning wasteland. "This is… Flare Herb. Where did this come from? Flare Herb's grow in the desert wastelands of Zhurun, not in this forest!" As she stood erect, her sharp ears flinched, tilting to channel the faintest of sounds: Chatter.
"-ven if we find her, what are we supposed to do with her?" A male voice; deep in pitch, and quite far into the jungle. Perhaps were she to venture further in…
* * * * * * * * * *
A loud cry pulled her out of her thoughts, the speaker sounding rather high in tone. As Kara's gaze swerved, she happened to glance down at an odd sight; two small men, one with hair much paler then the other, seemed to be running a merry chase. The one in the lead, the man with purely white hair, had a thin build; dressed in a light red formal shirt and sharp slacks, he cut an odd figure as his thin arms lashed out to and fro, flailing wildly as if to deter the shorter man behind. At least, Kara thought he was a man. With Hayate, she could never be quite sure… Appearance, taste, scent, voice, he positively stank of femininity. A face that had broken the hearts of many a disappointed boy grinned wide, tight, cute lips pursed in a tight grin. Big eyes positively twinkled with mirth as the lithe, graceful boy leapt, holding a large red katana.
"Practice with me Lassic!" He spoke to the formally dressed man. Hayate grinned, a white robe draped around his shoulders. Long, thin fingers clenched on the hilt of the blade, dressed in white gloves. A black shirt covered his thin and delicate seeming torso.
"Hayate! Now's not the time! I'm trying to meet a friend of mine!" Lassic shouted, clearly distressed as his eyes flickered to and fro, rapidly snatching up a fire place poker. He stood in profile, one hand resting on his hip as he held the poker up in a knight's salute. "If you insist on interfering, I shall have to use force!" His stern tone, unfortunately, failed to dissuade the feminine youth before him, who simply held his weapon in both hands.
"Alright! I can't wait! Give me everything you got Lassic!" Hayate roared, his legs tensed.
Kara groaned, palm meeting fore head as she held back a shout. "Hayate's so energetic lately…" She lamented, leaning back into her memories…
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Comments: 8
Hiya =daimondstrike
In response to your request for a critique, I found several things that could be addressed which would dramatically improve your art of storytelling.
Overall I found this a relatively easy read. However the relationship between the girl’s (due to their relative sizes) unbelievable. This is explained further on.
The walls of plain, treated brown wood stood sentinal, shielding the occupants from outside disturbances, save for the single eastern window.
This makes it sound as if there is no roof as the walls do the shielding. If there is no roof then say so, otherwise why mention the walls specifically? If it is a normal building but you want the reader to know that it’s made of wood, then say that (ie, the wooden building shielded its occupants from the cold/warmth/snow etc). A writer only need mention details when they are a) out of the ordinary or b) necessary, or c) specifically to create atmosphere – and then it must be done in a way that doesn’t discount the expected.
A common problem when starting out is to write somewhat convoluted descriptions. An example of this can be seen in the first paragraph.
Three pictures sat in small frames on the large, oaken chest. In one, a black haired girl with cat ears, cradling a much smaller girl with blue hair. In another, the same black haired girl held what appeared to be a small boy on her palms, his hair flashing silver. In the last, the boy stood with an arm draped over the blue haired girl's shoulder. Smiles adorned the faces of those who had been frozen in time.
I had to read this several times to understand what I was supposed to be seeing. This is what’s commonly known as an information dump; where the writer is simply trying to get information across and in the process, distancing the reader. To make it more interesting for the reader, perhaps use the photographs to hint at the relationship between the characters or to an event that might be taking place.
For example, a playful relationship might be demonstrated between the characters in the first photo like so, “A large girl with ears shaped like a tiger cradled a girl in her arms. With the tips of her long black hair she tickled the nose of the smaller girl. The contrast between the colour of her hair and the smaller girl’s (light/dark/intense/pastel) blue hair was mesmerising (eye-catching/ repulsive etc). Despite the disparity of size, both appeared to be of similar age.” (Nowhere throughout the piece did you hint at what kind of cat’s ears the girl had so I just inserted tiger for demonstration purposes).
Long black hair swung from one side to the next as she glanced around before lowering her eyes to the wrinkled sheets.
Be aware of cause and effect. Someone would have to snap their head around to cause long hair to swing from side to side. To merely glance around it is unlikely long hair would be much disturbed.
She felt her cheeks, slightly tan from the past, burn red as she laid her eyes on the yawner; a catgirl, easily no larger then her hand raised her head, her face scrunched up in a yawn as she rubbed her eyes.
Similarly, here Kara’s cheeks burn red as if embarrassed, but seemingly nothing happened to cause her to redden. Then the smaller catgirl’s face scrunches in a yawn, which is not what happens when someone yawns (generally their mouth gapes open while their eyes screw closed).
She smiled as she tripped, catching herself on one of Kara's legs, well muscled from a life many days past.
This makes it sound as if Kara is dead – and has been for quite some time. Perhaps you mean ‘…well muscled from a life of hard work’?
"You're all of eighty five feet tall Kara; I'm a mere five feet. All that kitty certainly makes a lot of noise in bed!"
Later it is stated that these two are lovers – the sheer mechanics make this an unbelievable idea considering Kara is eighty feet taller than Mist. Regardless of genre, a fiction writers prose must be believable. If a reader can’t identify with characters then it is unlikely they will finish the story. A writer must make the character and events believable on some level.
Just the likelihood of these two sharing a bed reminds me of instances where parents have taken their baby to bed with them and accidentally rolled onto the baby, fatally smothering it.
To make the relationship more believable, instances where accidents like this are likely to happen due to the relative sizes, would have to be guarded against. And this is merely sleeping together. To keep the smaller partner safe, the sexual mechanics of these two would be a nightmare to navigate – and since it is such an oddity, readers are not likely to be allayed by simply saying they were lovers and leaving it up to the imagination of others. It leaves too many questions unanswered.
A long black snake, light blue in color at the tip, tapped on each side of her body.
This remains unexplained. I have no idea whether the snake is metaphorical, or literal as it isn’t explained here and there is no further reference to it.
Since this crit is growing quite long, I’ll stop here and allow you to think about it.
If you’d like further guidance, I’d be happy to help.
Happy writing. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
Please ignore the star rating as I find it entirely useless
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
interesting. I'll need to read more of this series. I like it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Ok this was a more awesome read in this style. Great work! Keep it up
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Ill critique ya later but yes this style is way better also kudos for sliding in digimons Izzy Izume's catch phrase prodigious. And now to finish reading the rewrite
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*hanging upside down from a tree*
so......we have a giant neko knight..... a neko sleeping in her breasts.... a smi-badass knight.... and a tranny
...........i'm not sure i want to get involved here but curiosity didn't kill me, let's follow the cat and see what the heck is going on here
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Much better; higher level writing and thinking as well. A continent devoid of insect and small animal life? More than likely the animal life is smaller than Kara realizes. Other than that, I don't think this needs a real long critique.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
