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Published: 2010-05-30 08:10:13 +0000 UTC; Views: 983; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 9
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I could feel it all so clearly. The scent of dust, kicked up by my strides. The grass crackling under my bare feet as I ran. The glaring heat of the sun. My own sweat lathered body. The gentle kiss of the faint breeze on my face. My breath roared into my lungs as I ran, racing through the mid day wasteland, towards a shadowy building in the near distance.I was racing towards my home.
The peel of a bell rang in my ears as I neared the massive wooden door, clad in a leather body suit.
I could feel it all so clearly...
...then my alarm woke me up.
"Awwww, I hate alarm clocks!" I shouted, standing up with a hiss as I batted at the clock's off switch. It took several pats for me to even find the damn thing, but I did. "Mmm…" I yawned sleepily as I rubbed my eyes, turning to look out the window at the bright yellow sunshine.
"That dream… that was back when I was a squire, wasn't it…?" I said to myself, curling my legs up against my body as I laid back down on my bed, letting myself get washed away by the memory…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I had been sixteen years old at the time. I remember that I had been living in an orphanage before that for a long time. There hadn't been many of us, but we had always gotten along fairly. I had been the only girl out of seven children, so I kinda grew up a little… tomboyish. Say another word and I'll kill you.
Anyway.
I remember that the dorm caretaker had introduced me to weapons herself, actually. Too bad I can't remember what they all were, or even looked like. That had been back when I was five or six. When I was ten, I was sent to a boarding school nearby so that I could learn how to protect myself in the world. Come to think of it, I was the last one that had been in that orphanage… I wonder what happened to it. It's been forever since I thought about it.
Eeeep, I'm getting distracted again. Sorry. Anyway, to cut a long winded explanation short, I learned the fine points of swordplay at that school. People called me a prodigy, though I think using a sword is just common sense. I mean, seriously. All you do is move it and it cuts. How hard is that?
I'm getting off track again. I spent several years in that boarding school, till my teachers felt that I should train to become a knight. And that's where it all began…
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Comments: 8
Mindless-Spctr [2010-06-15 03:32:51 +0000 UTC]
For a prologue, I'm actually quite impressed. However, you made one mistake grammatically:
I had been the only girl out of like seven children, so I kinda grew up a little… tomboyish.
The word "like" has no business being there. A person is always aware of how many people are growing up around them while writing. This actually brings me to my next big epiphany; you're writing in the first person perspective and that usually gets people in trouble since many of the cultural inflections on the words or emphasis on certain phrases is not able to translate. It is better to write from a third person perspective, giving yourself the place of the humble observer and chronicler since you can add inflections in text during dialogue easier than you could in narration. To mature readers like myself, writing from this perspective is a major turn off; we want the detail to come at us in a structured format and a way that inspires our minds to put us right into the thick of the action.
I'd say this gets my approval more or less as a prologue simply because it's the beginning. Do it again... and I'll pull out the beating stick.
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daimondstrike In reply to Mindless-Spctr [2010-06-15 03:49:30 +0000 UTC]
Very well, thank you for the honest critique. I'll keep that in mind for future chapters. And I'll fix that error right away.
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Mindless-Spctr In reply to daimondstrike [2010-06-15 07:18:55 +0000 UTC]
Good to hear. I've just critiqued your first chapter... not pretty...
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daimondstrike In reply to Mindless-Spctr [2010-06-15 07:32:23 +0000 UTC]
I saw. Thanks for being honest though. I'll be sure to let you know when I post up the next chapter. I've already got a plan in the works to rewrite it, in fact.
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Mindless-Spctr In reply to daimondstrike [2010-06-15 07:53:26 +0000 UTC]
Revision is another powerful tool in the artist's arsenal. Always be planning a revision if you are certain you can improve it.
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PrincessKooh [2010-06-14 10:03:14 +0000 UTC]
Ha very amusing indeed lol and yes focus can be a problem. Also i got your note and i would be glad to have u as an admin in my club. Ill send the invite as soon as i get to a real coputer. Trust me its best if i send a personal invite to the club rather than you submitting an join request.
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NameLessFox [2010-05-30 20:41:05 +0000 UTC]
Hmmm...interesting start.
Kept me giggling a bit,
and had strong mental hooks...
so now i'll shall be 'hooked' on this story like your others X3
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29238 [2010-05-30 08:40:51 +0000 UTC]
ok hide my other comment. my lack of knowledge was at fault there.
Awesome start you really show Kara's personality here. can't wait to read the next part.
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