HOME | DD
daimy — tragic
Published: 2006-07-03 19:48:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 467; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 15
Redirect to original
Description
i feel yourliquid life, the
silver elixir
running through my words
i can feel your
shivering touch, that
sleeping candlelight
flowing through my words
my love
can't you see
we are
withering like a dream
and i'm
drowning in your stream?
tell me you feel that
decading boredom, if
i could fall from you
and make me real
tell me you see that
everfading joy, if
you could pull me up
make my voice real
my love
can't you see
we are
crumbling like sunlight
and i am
shattering if you might
if you might tear
the lies out of me...
i feel your
vanishing thoughts, the
sacred songline
running through my hands
i feel your
melting fire, if
i could touch it
running through my words
my love
can't you see
can't you see we are
withering like a dream
and i'd
be torn if
you took the lies out of me
can't you see
we would
die if
you burned the petals
that fall through my words
and drift in your stream?
Related content
Comments: 11
This is very good, I love its structure and repetition, and especially the mataphors you use. Just one little thing: in the first line of the third stanza you wrote "fell", isn't it supposed to be "felt"? Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
oh, it's 'feel'. thanks, will edit ^^ .
thank you for commenting!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
nice. love the repetitions. powerful as always. opening stanza and ending are great.
enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This almost sounds more like a song than a poem to be honest. . i can almost hear a melody reverberating through my head when i read it. It's quite beautiful but i think the structure of it. . or rather the relaxed lack of structure of it makes it read more like a song.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
yup, i kind of thought of it as a song too...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
well. . that would generally explain the lyric-y-ness about it. . ever consider putting music to it?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
except i dont know how to. i mean, i don't know anything about music. i can listen, i cannot make music. but maybe, some day, with some help.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i suppose. but you could sing it at least. . give it a melody.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1