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davidfoxfire — Script Demo: Amber Merichello
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Published: 2012-09-08 06:47:32 +0000 UTC; Views: 2118; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 15
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Description
I was suggested at one time to give all of the primary characters enough screen time so that no one character hogs all the action (and becomes too much of a Mary Sue, somehting I'm working to avoid.) I wanted to practice on that as well as getting into a workable Scriptwriting style, so I'm going to have short 2-3 page samples of the comic script starring a single character of my primary list each. I'm starting with Amber and working on down.You'll find that my Scriptwriting style is a little chaotic at first. I said before that I intend to combine Marvel and Kurtzman style, using a plot-based script as the basis and adding thumbnails, sketches and refrence pictures as I go. (All reference pices are used in a research format only [Fair Use Laws] and will be replaced by more original sketches as they become part of the Pitch Bible.)
I'm happy with the preview image that's a part of this sample so far. I started with a perspective grid drawn on Graph Paper and then worked on the sketch over the lightbox. This will be further worked on during the inking stage once the web comic is up and running.
You can find out more about the prospective web comic at this [link]
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Comments: 10
True, but looking back, I found that the proportions of the legs were a bit off. I could blame the camera angle, or see if I can improve on it in a future piece.
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Taking a moment to read some of the feedback, it sounds like you're on the right track. If you want my opinion, it might serve Amber better to think about punting the exec rather than actually doing it. I know a fair share of women, and when they're offended they sure can hide it. Having Amber assault the exec doesn't help her prospects: if he's a big wheel in the industry, he'll simply spread the word that she's a vicious, mysandrist maniac. Again, that's just my opinion.
The whole fetishistic fursuit idea really was more of a throwback to Scarlet PI than anything else. If they're simply costumes for character-actors, then leave it as-is.
As for Darrin? You have two choices on the issue: The first is that he's male. His skill and passion for acting gives him the opportunity, but at the time there aren't any open male roles. It's a challenge, but that is what motivates his inner thespian. Eventually he'll have his quandary whether to continue masquerading as his female character and risk the reputation of the company for doing what he loves, or play it safe and suit up in a more gender oriented role to prevent controversy.
The other, much more safe option is that Darrin is female, a friend struggling to find work as an actress and lands this gig to get her start. She could be skeptical at first; thinking character suits are kiddy stuff when she really wants to play a dramatic role on stage or in the movies. Her interpretation is up to you ultimately.
Bear in mind I just threw these ideas out off the top of my head. They may not fit exactly but I'm sure you can retool them to suit your needs. Feel free to ask questions or use what you want from the ideas.
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Well, that's the charm of haggling and brainstorming. You can put ideas out there and see what sticks or not, and I thank you for letting me retool them.
Item: Amber's punt. I'm keeping it because of the "Rule of Funny" and that it's still a Manga despite the dropping of the fetish stuff. The other execs, people on the street, and even the courts will go "Did you just tell her to put on a fetishy dress and hairstyle? You got what's coming to you, pal!"
Item: Darrin's Crossdressing. Well, Darrin is actually a Medical Student who's having the same problems as everyone else seeing a bleak job market. Crossdressing is something he somehow likes doing and for some reason it's a stress buster. But if he likes being Danny so much--and that the medical field is so tanked so badly--and he finds Chromatown attractive enough, he might consider changing his life plan.
Item: Fursuit fetish. Now I get the point about what you were thinking about. No, these fursuits aren't the fetishy ones.
Item: Character Suits as Kiddy Stuff. There is another character that might have that misgiving at first. I'll list it here when I have the idea work on enough. Stay tuned.
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The King's put it in words I've been trying to put together myself. Sometimes you just can't combine two things you like; I like chocolate and I like hamburgers, but putting them together is a recipe for calamity.
I sat for a while, pondering the thought process that you were undergoing when coming up for some of the designs, and for a while I thought a lot of that was definitely blending classic, family-friendly Disney and Children's Animation with some subconscious leaking from the fetish pool. Like Chocolate and burgers, this mixture won't end well when served to the general audience.
However, there's much more here that works rather than what doesn't. King Jack's a wise person to notice you have two themes where one is really necessary. The "racy sendup of fanboy culture" is out of place as a theme with the lighthearted, cartoonish style in which you draw your work. You have some stake in using the other theme. You've often felt like you're "in a world that has left you behind", according to your more emotional journal entries; that theme would serve you much better because you've experienced it. Lived it. Survived it.
The fetish content, from the more mature-themed fursuiting, the maid cafe and other things have a place but they don't belong in this project; from what I've read in this thread, you understand. Good work all around. If you want to put the "creepy fanboy" fetishes into a story or character, use that sort of stuff for another project with that as its intended audience. The internet used to "get its lulz" at your juvenile, public displays of mature, private interests; let's learn from history, rather than be doomed to repeat it.
As for needing a girlfriend? Well... I've played the relationship game a good number of times and there's one important lesson to learn; Having a girlfriend just for the sake of having one doesn't make things all better. Gettin' a little tail isn't a miracle cure to what ails ya. That's a whole 'nother animal right there, though... I'll not explain it on a public forum unless asked.
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So I should remove the more racier part of the story. Perfectly understandable. I'll do what I can to remove most of it.
I've already decided to change the Maid Cafe to a Character Cafe, so that's a go. And I'll see to change Amber's outfit to something less fanboyish, although the bastard she roshambo-ed would still suggest that she used a shorter skirt. (Maybe she wears slacks at first.)
The fursuits involved are not intended to be mature-themed, but are made more for extra padding and safety in mind. The Chromatown shorts do a lot of full-contact pratfalls, and the people playing them would appreciate a lot of padding. And I'll change the Porn items to another genre in the haggle book today.
I'm still iffy on Darrin being a cross-dresser though. Any suggestions? Maybe just make Darrin a girl all around? Also, I might have a character for Patrick the Cat being the owner of the Character Cafe and is more of the Business sense. I'll work on that.
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I'll be honest with you, I'm very confused as far as who your target audience is and what you're trying to say here. You say this is about a love of classic animation and you hope to reach it's fans, but you spend pages talking about "tsundere" and other obscure anime fan terms.
Also, I don't think an actual woman would refer to her zettai ryouiki 'rating'. That's really more something creepy fanboys obsess over.
When I was first reading about her character, I liked that she was passionate about animation and skilled and was following something she loved, even though she knows it isn't lucrative. Now, as I go through more and more of your design work for this, all the women are being portrayed in an oddly sexual light. You've got this absolute zone rant that is sure to alienate almost anyone who reads it, another female character is an ex porn star, and another one is 'afraid to be forced into porn or stripping ' if she wants to pay for college. Like that is the only option for women!
Also, couldn't you just type crunk rap into wikipedia and find some actual rappers in that genre? MC Lars and Sir Frontalot are hard working indie nerdcore rappers, and their work can be very thoughtful and clever.
I feel like people who really love the charm of classic animation are going to be put off and confused by the awkward sexuality and otaku references, while newer animation fans (people who actually know what a zettai ryouiki is) will dislike being constantly told how much 'new' animation sucks.
You seem to treat this as a huge Disney-like property with a large general appeal, but I don't think you even realize how steeped in fetishism your work is. Fursuits, maid cafes, school girl porn jokes, and at the same time railing against sex in media and the crassness of commercialism?
I'm very confused, who is this comic supposed to appeal to?
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I'm a bit confused over the target audience as well. I started off with my audience being those who want to see a return to the classics, or at the very least, a modern spin on it. Modern being those who have a more international flavor with some anime tropes thrown in. If I could get a balance between Classic and Modern (a la Studio Ghibli) that'll be my 'target audience.' (And Ghibli is a prime example of new animation not sucking. Compared to say, the 201X Loony Tunes Show, Gravity Falls, or Spongebob Squarepants)
Also, I don't know how anyone else's mind is wired, but to me, I find things like Fursuits, mom-and-pop character cafes (what the maid cafe is becoming) and young adult women with skirts above her knees are pretty much counter to what is considered 'the Norm' in the world around them. Like I said, this is what's going on in my head, your mileage may..no..will vary.
(That, and yes, I still have the vibe that says, "This guy needs a girlfriend really really bad.")
I think I should focus more on Amber's passion and less on her choice of stockings, shouldn't I? And Ditto with toning down some of the other sexualized tones for some of the characters. Easy to do on this stage; I'm still hashing bits out in the One Note. I could replace the porn industry with the repercussions of 'Selling Out' which would be closer to what I wanted to show. Change the ex porn star into someone who, say, got too typecasted by her stint in some Power Rangers clone and couldn't get another gig otherwise, for example. In fact, that's what I'll change this character to and adjust the other character accordingly. But if you have a better idea, please let me know.
And since this is still in the hashing stage, I'd like to see something like this like this come up now instead of while I'm coloring the strip in question. Get the gunk out ahead of time, I say.
But as for "Generic Crunk Rap?" That was intentional. I wanted an exaggerated image of crass commercialism and that song was *it!* (Besides, Nerdcore is the only form of rap I can stomach for more than 10 minutes.)
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It's not like there is anything inherently wrong with sexuality, it just seems to run counter to the theme of the charming, earnest return to the world of classic cartoons (At least in my mind).
Miyazaki's films are classic in part because he deals with timeless themes and does them with an uncommon gentleness and sensitivity.
I think we'll have to agree to disagree about Gravity Falls though, I think it's surprisingly ambitious with it's conspiracy and hidden codes. I also find it pretty funny.
Again, it's not like I have a problem with Maid Cafes and things like that, but they are quite niche interests. Just be aware that a lot of people coming in might not be familiar with these things. If they are familiar with them, then they probably are fans of newer animation.
I've always loved Disney movies and grew up with Bluth films like Land Before Time and the Secret of NIMH. As I got older I became interested in anime, as well as European Scifi comics. I love older animation, but I don't hate the new stuff.
So I guess, what is it about older cartoons that you love, and what is missing from the new ones to you? Amber is probably also putting a lot of thought into this very question, since she is trying to make a new generation of classic cartoons herself.
I'm not asking you to defend your opinions on animation, but I think you should give them thought, maybe explore them in your comic.
At this point it almost feels like you have two different stories, with opposite moods and directions going on. A racy, irreverent send up of fanboy culture and a simpler story about people trying to find their place in a world that seems to be leaving them behind.
I don't really have advice, just thinking out loud. I know this is pretty early in it's production, I'm sure a lot of things are going to change in the next few months. Good luck!
(P.S. Lil' Jon is a good example of a Crunk rap, or Soulja Boy if you need any.)
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Well, this particular scene we were talking about didn't get to the charming, timelessness, and sensitivity material yet. When she finds that "first star of the evening," however, that part kicks in. There's also a part that isn't mentioned here. All this commercialism we were talking about, when it gets on the strip, it's all going to be in grayscale, while Amber as she's walking past it will be in full color. The star she wishes on will pop into color as well. This will be an ascetic that I'll play with throughout the comic. When Johnny interacts with others, they transfer from gray to color as he does so, eventually painting the whole area Oz-like.
That's the part I didn't know about Gravity Falls, the conspiracy and codes part. All I saw was the artwork. In that case, I stand corrected. Maybe I'll download an episode or two.
Other people found the Maid Cafe to be nitch as well. Hence the change into a Character Cafe that is more familiar with, especially to people who go to Amusement Parks. Most of the viewers might not have seen a Maid Cafe, but some of them have been in Disney World a couple times.
I don't hate most of the new stuff, I just look at a good chunk of them and go, "Ja-eeeeeeee-sus, Chrrrrrrr-eeeeeeyeeeeee-st! We could have done better." A particular "new stuff" cartoon that I like might be outing me a bit; it's "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." Lauren Faust wanted a 'girl's show' that will appeal to more than just girls and she succeeded. Maybe too well. I mean, us Bronies didn't appear in a vacuum, didn't we? I also am warming up to TMNT 2012: Someone actually made CGI in a way that would make Pixar take notice.
What I like about the older cartoons is that the effort they put into the show. Almost everyone can make a CGI or flash cartoon, but they don't have the ascetics of a well done cel-made cartoon. Most of them just look like the people making them just half-assed their way through it, and you can tell when they do. Hanna Barbarra and most of the 80s cartoons might by guilty of corner cutting, but when it's done on the computer, doing it wrong just glares out at you. In the classic short, even in the black and white version, even if you see parts that were copypastaed from one short to another, you can see the effort made to get it right.
And in an unrelated note, which is something Amber wants to focus on, is that the older comics didn't have to 'be relevant' or 'sell something,' They just have to be there to put a smile on someone's face. There's no need for heavy plots, educational requirements and, "Knowing the Half the Battle" like Morality. They're there just to be cute and charming and to make someone else smile and even laugh. Even during scenes with violence and non-erotic sexuality thrown in. (And in some of even the classics, they're a lot of those.) That's something I'll be exploring as Amber and company create Chromatown.
You're right about the two stories going at the same time, as I often find myself doing. They're almost Yin and Yang if I look at it right. The trick would be to intertwine them into a decent 'genetic code' for the web comic. Gee, I think that's my autism talking again 
I appreciate you thinking this out loud, at the very least, that's what I want in the haggling stage. It usually helps me to get an idea out of the dark recesses of my nero-atypical head and fill in some of the missing pieces. That's why I wanted to haggle with others, and it'll show as the haggle book, and the eventual strip, progresses.
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