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Gerard,
There are so many things I want to tell you… I’ve wanted to tell you for so long. There are so many things I wish I could have said, so many opportunities I wish I’d have taken. It’s too late now…but you deserve to know. Please, don’t be upset, whatever you do. I’m happier now, now that- well...
We met at the age of thirteen, I think it was. We were fucking retards, weren’t we? I remember what you first said to me, even though you barely knew me. I laughed at Mikey and you said it, you said ‘I love your laugh’. I think that’s what caught me. Everytime you said ‘I love your smile’ or ‘I love your laugh’ again, I just thought back to then, back to when I first noticed you.
Mikey had always been fond of you as a brother- why wouldn’t he? I’d never saw you much. You were the shady character who everyone knew but not a lot of people cared for. I wasn’t part of your crowd, and you weren’t part of mine. But as soon as we started talking, little bits at a time, my life took a change for the better. I’d never met someone I connected with so well, except for Mikey. Everytime we talked it was as if we already knew what we were going to say, as if we didn’t even need to talk to be close to each other. As I said, it was small at first. You saw me in lessons properly, sat next to me gladly when told to, and pressed close to me as we worked together. Ha, who am I kidding, we just messed about! But it was fucking great, eh?
The small waves in the hallways, the restricted but deep conversations we had, they lasted for about a few months. It was pretty good, but I knew I wanted more, I just wasn’t sure if you did. I had to see.
I started talking to you more and more, trying to keep you in conversations while others were around. For the most part it worked. We started blocking others out of our conversations- they were just for us. Then I called you after school time, got you to talk to me completely on our own. You wouldn’t believe how open you are when other’s aren’t around. I felt privileged to be included in your life.
For a while after that it was reasonably controlled. We were good friends and both comfortable with it. Then…you started to tell me things. Things I felt uncomfortable discussing. You told me about relationships, about how everything pretty much goes wrong for you in that area. I wouldn’t have known, I’d never had a serious relationship then, so I had no idea what to think. You asked me if I knew what love was, and I couldn’t even look at you.
So you kept the secrets for our phone conversations, knowing I got flustered when I was around others. You asked my advice, told me things I knew you didn’t tell anyone else. Everytime you started liking someone, you’d tell me and ask my opinion of them. I always lied really, I’ll admit that now. All of those girls? They were fine for you. They never said things behind your back- I lied about that. The fact was, I didn’t want to see them with you. I didn’t think they were good enough for you. Who was good enough for you? I never quite got an answer to that. You were too perfect for anyone.
I don’t think even now I can explain my attraction to you, Gerard. It’s just….your sensitivity. Your kindness. No-one ever liked me, you know. Outside of my group, everyone in school hated me. But somehow that didn’t seem to bother you, you still wanted to be friends with me. You really didn’t care what anyone thought. I guess I’ll struggle on that part for a while. You don’t need to hear it, not really. You’ll understand anyway.
As I kept those girls getting close to you, as I stopped you getting into a decent relationship, all it did was bring you closer to me- which was exactly what I wanted. I didn’t mean to be so vindictive, I swear I didn’t, but it didn’t seem horrible back then. Besides, what I got out of it was something more than you’ll ever find in the sluts at school. I’m not even sure exactly how it happened, but really quickly we became best friends. We were close. Closer than we’d ever been.
You’d stare at me in class and smile at me when I turned to watch you back. You’d brush my hair away with ease, completely comfortable as I flushed. You didn’t seem to mind getting close to me. Even when people laughed and asked if we were going out, you’d make a joke and say I was pretty sexy. That made it ever worse, but even better. You’d hug me everyday and not care who watched. You’d let me play with your hair, running it through my fingers. You’d say to me, ‘you’ll have to straighten it properly for me. I can’t handle the thing,’ and I always say I’ll take you up on that. Everyone around us noticed our closeness, but neither of us minded then. I remember, in class, we used to make little drawings - you were always better at it than me - and we used to name them. You tried to draw me a unicorn and it looked more like a dinosaur with a carrot on it’s head. We laughed so hard. Shit knows how we passed our Science exams with us sitting together in every class.
You knew hoe close we were…how close we are. Then things changed for me. I realised what was wrong with me, why it could never work out. I think I’d always known, I just hadn’t realised how fucking deep in I was.
Gerard, I was in love with you. So much that I wouldn’t allow anyone to get closer to you. That I’d keep it all locked up inside just in case of rejection which I was sure I’d get. How could I have revealed it then? When we’d become so close? Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have seen if you’d change on your own…
It’s out, that’s what matters. I love you, I loved you. And I couldn’t stop it. Everytime you got close to me, I’d jump away because I was frightened I’d give off the wrong impression. Maybe that put a wedge between us a little? Most likely. That’s why you didn’t notice. You didn’t notice when I was breaking down inside.
My parents were getting a divorce- and not one of those mutual divorces like some of the ones you see on TV where the kids get full custody on both sides. No, it was fucked up and so was my mind. I was tearing to pieces and keeping quiet about it. How did you not notice? I think you asked me, just once, what was happening with my parents. Maybe I’d let slip to Mikey. I’d shrugged you off quickly, not in the mood to discuss it.
It seems silly now, how such a simple thing has driven me to… But, you didn’t notice my feelings anymore. You didn’t see me breakdown, and I guess I thought you’d just… forgotten me. Silly, huh? But I’d started to hate you. I noticed every time you weren’t around me, every time you weren’t paying attention to me. I didn’t think you cared about me. My world was spiralling down and you didn’t even notice… I hated you.
You started to care less and less about my opinions- you now went out with girls without asking my opinion. You kept things from me, which I found out through others. You were slipping away from me…and I couldn’t stand it.
Now I think about it, it wouldn’t have taken much for me to go over the edge like this. But to hear… to hear you say you loved that girl. That stupid girl. Rebecca, is that her name? Hah, what do I care? You told her you loved her and not me. And now I can’t handle it. You’re not yourself anymore. I’ve tried to tell you, but she’s always around. I’ve tried to let you know how much I’m hurting, but you don’t call me anymore. I don’t call you either, I’m too scared you’ll reject me. So that’s it. You’ve found someone…. She’s found you. The most perfect guy in the world, my best friend. Well…you were, but what about now? Am I just another person you know?
I’ve asked myself these questions so much that it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Well, not in the usual way. I still lie awake at night, staring at my ceiling and thinking ‘I love him and he doesn’t know, how fucked up.”
It’s just dull pain now, throbbing. I’m used to it. I can’t stand school now- all of my friends are so happy for you, so happy for her. I can’t be with you when she’s around. Everytime I see her I wish I could rip her hair out. It’s not even her fault… it’s mine, it’s yours. But I can’t stand it, not now.
I’m sorry, If you care. I don’t mean to make you upset, or feel guilty. I’m just an inconvenience, though. I know it, and I can’t handle it. It hurts every time I see you, yet I want to be with you all the time. It’s killing me to keep quiet. So I’ll just… go, forever. I’ve thought a lot, and I mean that. This isn’t an impulse thing. I’ve made my decision. I’ll already be gone when you read this, so you can’t stop me. I’m just…sorry. So sorry. I love you, Gerard. You never knew it, but I love you. I’ll never stop, not even in death. I’ll love you ‘till the end.