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deviantesse94 — Wicked Santa
Published: 2009-12-31 08:53:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 1071; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 7
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Description Jasmine's eyelids flutter. Her fingers brush along the snowy ground as she drags them to her throbbing temple. Her face contorts in pain as she sits cross-legged, pondering on her whereabouts and what had happened before she passed out. The scene of the accident is played in her mind and her current whereabouts, however, remains elusive.

Jasmine presumes that she is in some kind of forest. After a few minutes, she realizes that she, somehow, arrived here some time she fainted. How did I get here? She wonders. Could someone--her thought is cut off as she studies her surroundings, --Or something-dragged me here all the way from my car? She rubs her chin and ponders a little more. Speaking of which, where is my car? Jasmine rises slowly and as soon as she erects her back, she is automatically stapled to the ground.

Scrutinizing the vicinity, she realizes that she doesn't know which route to take. "Where do I go from here?" She mumbles to herself, her eyes darting from a corner to another. Her legs take few steps forward. Abruptly, she stops. She bites her lower lip as she hesitates to go on. What if I step-or worse, fall into something as I traipse around? Jasmine ambles around as she searches for a long stick. Once her sharp eyes catch the sight of one, her hands snatch it quickly.

Jasmine studies the stick, one hand holding it up and the other brushes it from top to bottom. This one will do just fine. "O' great stick. Lead me with your full guidance." And with that, she starts rambling around the forest with hopes of discovering a way out.



Jasmine wends her way out of the thick bushes. When she finally manages to get out, a quaint building which stands twenty feet or thereabouts in front of her comes into view. Overflowing with curiosity, she approaches the building with the stick leading her as if her sense of sight is impaired.

Now, the building is only a few feet away. Funny, she thinks. What's a building doing in the middle of nowhere? Jasmine begins prodding her stick at the gray concrete building. It doesn't seem deserted. She cranes her neck and notices a small window a few inches above her head. Jasmine cast a glance at her right and sees a row of window at the same level as this one. More rows of windows are seen above that particular row of window.

Jasmine stands on her toes so that she can get a peek of the building's interior. When she does though, she tries to convince herself that her eyes are deceiving her; playing tricks on her mind for what she has lay her eyes upon leaves her in a daze: elves! Santa's elves-she assumes-working their socks off as they prepare presents that are to be delivered to kids all around the world. The sounds of the elves bustling around are muted through the windows.

Is my head still suffering the migraine that might've caused by the accident? I did hit my head pretty hard...Jasmine cocks her head to one side and ponders this.

"Hey!" A gruff voice cuts through the wall of silence.

Jasmine whirls round. Her eyes widen. Her jaw unhinges. She is immediately shocked into a marble stance for the man in front of her is Santa Clause himself!

The man, Santa approaches Jasmine. Jasmine instinctively moves backward but there is not much space between the building wall and her back. He grips Jasmine's hand tightly, his nails digging into her skin. His eyes bore into hers as he speaks.

"Why are you snoopin' around here, doll?"

"I--I--You're--Aren't you--?" Jasmine's words trip and cut one another off.

Santa rolls his eyes. "Yes. I am Santa Claus. I exist. Bla, bla, bla--end of story." He keeps his voice monotonous as he talks.

Jasmine blinks a few times, trying to digest the situation she is in.

"Speechless? Nothin' else to say? Now come with me," Santa begins dragging her into the building.

In the building filled with little elves, Jasmine is being seated on a red armchair.

"Why are you here when you're not supposed to?" Santa interrogates. His followers, the elves, clamors the same thing. Jasmine just stares at them in a daze, waiting for silence to fill the air. And when that happens, she asks them one thing.

"Why are you all asking me? Shouldn't you all be at the North Pole?"

Santa narrows his eyes at Jasmine. Jasmine's eyes flit across the room as contemptuous glares from Santa's little helpers drill into her. "You've been naughty haven't you?"

"This is a restricted area. I'm sure you had seen a 'no entry' sign somewhere around," another elf says.

Jasmine recalls a sight of a 'no entry' sign that she spotted before. Her eyebrows raise themselves inadvertently. She opens her mouth to explain herself but before even one syllable could escape from her mouth, one of the elves interjects, "Well, we know just what to do with naughty intruders like you!"

Santa, along with his elves, motion closer to Jasmine, his shadow looming above her. The elves tie her hands and legs, ignoring her demurring protests. After that, they drag her into a dark room. "What are you doing?" Her voice quivers as she throws the question at the elves and Santa.

Santa let out an enigmatic grin. "You'll see," he replies cryptically, a sense of foreboding creeping into his voice. The door closes with an ominous click. The bright shaft of light that entered the room disappears. Darkness consumes the room and its content along with the deathly silence it brings. Jasmine hears something moving towards her. Her heart rockets against her ribs. Cold sweats trickle down her face. She can feel somebody's labored breaths on her skin.

From outside the room, Jasmine's earsplitting shriek can be heard. Smiles of contentment are etched on Santa and the elves' faces. "Let's get back to work now!" Santa's voice boomed and the elves continue preparing for Christmas.
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Comments: 31

medreaming [2010-01-30 00:35:53 +0000 UTC]

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Comment:
Although the concept you picked for this is original and interesting, this is not executed as well as it could have been.

For one thing, it starts out in present-tense but jumps to past in a couple of spots. Also, there are a few spelling errors you may want to fix.
Try varying your sentence structure a bit more, far too many sentences start with “Jasmine [insert verb here]...” or have the “simple sentence” structure.
Altogether, Jasmine figures out far too quickly that the man really is Santa and the little men really are elves. Unless she is quite young (which she is clearly not, considering the mention of her car) , she would never have that be her first guess, and even then accept it so quickly.
The ending builds up a lot of suspense despite the plain sentence structure. However, the last sentence falls flat. (This can be easily fixed by adding an "as if nothing had happened.")
The characters seem very thought-out,and motivations are given for the antagonists. The characters are also demonstrated well.

Overall, the idea behind this is very good, but some changes could make it much better. I don't believe any major revisions are necessary excpt for replacing the beginning here with the one in the summarized version. The spelling and grammar, as well as a wider variety of sentences are only simple changes.

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deviantesse94 In reply to medreaming [2010-01-30 00:52:10 +0000 UTC]

ooooo! My first critic xDD

I'll try to correct the errors when I have time ;DD thank you for this critic!

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CoCoKnight [2010-01-05 00:07:27 +0000 UTC]

Minus the aforesaid critiques on grammar, and some misplaced "s's", a good Poem. I agree that you leave us hangin', waiting to find out what DOES happen... but beyond that, still a good read! None of us know the "heart" of another, 'til we are faced with it personally, and this Poem makes that point well.
Also... How did she get there in the first place?

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VBAadmin In reply to CoCoKnight [2010-01-13 03:53:16 +0000 UTC]

It's not a poem, it's a prose piece.

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CoCoKnight In reply to VBAadmin [2010-01-21 05:10:52 +0000 UTC]

Poetic nonetheless! lol

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deviantesse94 In reply to CoCoKnight [2010-01-05 06:13:27 +0000 UTC]

she had an accident and someone dragged her all the way from her car to the forest. so i guess someone kinda planned this whole thing for her.

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CoCoKnight In reply to deviantesse94 [2010-01-12 00:53:36 +0000 UTC]

Well that in itself adds a nice twist to the Poem!

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deviantesse94 In reply to CoCoKnight [2010-01-12 06:19:36 +0000 UTC]

thx^^

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demon-polecat [2010-01-04 14:55:22 +0000 UTC]

I agree with *RavensScar about the lapses in the tense, and the grammatical awkwardness. Furthermore, it reads like a first draft. It has an interesting story in there, but there are a couple of loose ends: what happened to Jasmine (I actually think you can leave this out, as it makes the reader start imagining things that are worse than anything you could ever write down), and why she was in the woods in the first place, which I think needs to be explained.

Good work, keep it up!

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deviantesse94 In reply to demon-polecat [2010-01-05 06:14:19 +0000 UTC]

thanks! i'll try to think of a few explanations for why jasmine was there^^

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RavensScar [2010-01-04 11:18:45 +0000 UTC]



This is an interesting piece. The concept is quite amusing and it makes for a fairly entertaining piece of satire.

Your prose doesn't flow too badly, but, personally, I think your present tense needs some work. I hope this doesn't sound too critical, but there are some moments when your present tense reads like you're writing in past tense, and simply changing the verbs. Also, you do occasionally drop into actually writing in past tense:

Jasmine recalled a sight of a 'no entry' sign that she spotted before. Her eyebrows raise themselves inadvertently.

The first sentence is in past tense, the second is in present.

Also, personally, I find dialogue in present tense awkward. To me, something about the word 'says' never feels right. Dialogue is absolutely as useful in present tense as any other, but I do feel it needs to be approched differently.

It's great to experiment with writing in different tenses, but if you find you're more naturally inclined to stick to past tense, sometimes it can be better to just go with it.

There are also occasions where I think you can afford to use simpler language. For example:

Her face contorts in pain as she erects upright.

Firstly, erects upright is somewhat grammatically awkward. It also leaves the reader confused as to whether you mean sits up or stands up. In moments such as this, keeping it simple often aids the flow of the story.

Finally, I have to agree with the above comments. I'm intrigued to know precisely what happens to Jasmine. You hint that it's certainly not pleasant, but after all the build up, we never find out what Santa actually does to trespassers. This just feels slightly disappointing.

Despite these points, this piece does have the makings of quite a nice piece of comedy-come-horror satire.

I hope this helps.

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deviantesse94 In reply to RavensScar [2010-01-04 11:28:04 +0000 UTC]

this helps A LOT^^ i'm really not used to writing present tense ;DD thank u so much for the comment

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RavensScar In reply to deviantesse94 [2010-01-04 17:54:41 +0000 UTC]

No problem, you're welcome.

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TheseKrimzonFlames [2010-01-03 23:06:39 +0000 UTC]

I'd like to know what happened as well

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deviantesse94 In reply to TheseKrimzonFlames [2010-01-04 05:48:46 +0000 UTC]

let's just say sthg terrbile happened^^

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urikochan94 [2009-12-31 15:57:28 +0000 UTC]

Odd, I wonder, what ever happened to Jasmine? lulz.

Alang2 tukar jak nama nya ke YASMIN. ohohoho.

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deviantesse94 In reply to urikochan94 [2010-01-01 04:30:32 +0000 UTC]

mintak Yasmin yaaaa

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urikochan94 In reply to deviantesse94 [2010-01-01 10:21:19 +0000 UTC]

whut

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story-of-kim [2009-12-31 09:07:30 +0000 UTC]

oh my, 1012 words O_O'''
go go, summarize ittt ; A ;;;
sorrrrrryyy ;________;

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deviantesse94 In reply to story-of-kim [2009-12-31 11:36:58 +0000 UTC]

woah, u counted! okies. i'll try to summarize itt xDD

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story-of-kim In reply to deviantesse94 [2009-12-31 11:39:29 +0000 UTC]

ahaha! count it using Word..xDDD
hohohoh
ganbatte! 8DD

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deviantesse94 In reply to story-of-kim [2009-12-31 11:41:04 +0000 UTC]

ehh how did you count using Word?

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story-of-kim In reply to deviantesse94 [2009-12-31 11:45:35 +0000 UTC]

just copy and paste it in word...
then, look at the below tab,
you can see this : Words : 1,012
i'm using the 2007 version

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deviantesse94 In reply to story-of-kim [2009-12-31 12:01:50 +0000 UTC]

2007? mine is 4 years outdated. maybe that's why I can't see the num of words ;A;

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story-of-kim In reply to deviantesse94 [2009-12-31 12:07:46 +0000 UTC]

oh i see..xD
hmmmm, how about write in a piece of paper first.?
before that, prepare a 5 x 60 grid
5 for horizontal
60 for vertical :'D

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deviantesse94 In reply to story-of-kim [2009-12-31 12:13:32 +0000 UTC]

hurm. aigo i'm lazy. how many pages is 300 in Word?

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story-of-kim In reply to deviantesse94 [2009-12-31 12:21:11 +0000 UTC]

ermm.. 1 page like that...
or 1 and a half :'D

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Jaebirdy In reply to story-of-kim [2010-01-07 13:48:21 +0000 UTC]

There's a counter on 2003 by the way...

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deviantesse94 In reply to story-of-kim [2009-12-31 15:40:51 +0000 UTC]

this is going to be rough. Lol I'll summarize it l8errrr

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story-of-kim In reply to deviantesse94 [2009-12-31 15:42:54 +0000 UTC]

uwaaahhh, good luck!
i hope you can summarize teh story 8DD

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deviantesse94 In reply to story-of-kim [2010-01-01 04:33:51 +0000 UTC]

I know how to summarize itttt but i'll do it later. hope it works^^

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