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WARNING: TIME FOR YOURS TRULY TO BALANCE THINGS OUT ! Enjoy the show ! No refunds.

Back in the day, I talked about the wonders of the spectacle that ASBAR. It was lots of laughter and a pleasure to talk about. In case you're late to the party, have a glance www.deviantart.com/devilkais/j…
However, I may have tempted you, dear audience, with another *sigh* Batman run. The one that achieved what War Games, War Crimes and Infinite Crisis were gunning for and chased my enjoyment for Bat-storylines away. I am happy to stop at Hush and call "Whatever Happened To the Caped Crusader" MY Batman ending. Though I do go for the occasional mini-series if it tickles my fancy.
But enough about me, let's KILL THIS !

I believe most of you know how I feel about the writing of a certain scottish notorious for consuming various drugs and being a chaos Magician. On that last aspect, do you think he can escape pyres then ?
This is one of those comics that make me wonder if there is anyone at DC Comics whose job it is to toss a script back into a writer's face, punch said writer and say "What the hell is this @#$% ?". Why did they hand over Batman to him instead of some obscure series he can puke his shamanic anilingus at ?
But, he's one of those writers they bow to and let do whatever the fuck he wants. So fuck him, fuck his dipshit fanbase and let's dig in, stream of thoughts style !

ROUND 1: RAPE BABY AND JEFF's BIRTH

- Andy Kubert draws the start of this run... GOD WHY ?! Dude, you drew MY X-men ! Such a decadence, a fall from grace to draw this shit !
- The Joker killed Batman and asks for Santa Claus next. Joke's on him, Lobo took care of that. Also, you shouldn't remind me of better comics I could be rereading ...
- Mr J is suddenly shot n the face. The Batman he "killed" was an impostor (le GASP !) and Batsy, who appears now, throws him in the garbage can... kind of how this run throws everything I love about my dear Dark Knight. I guess this is where Paul Dini picks the Joker from to write Slayride and the first 2 Arkham games. But we're not here to speak about Bat-stuff that brings me joy and happiness ...
- Gotham is now clean of "super"-crime ! Yeah, Two-face is still confirmed to roam around but, you know, Harvey is no big deal at all... Dipshit.
- Batman has a growl in his voice ? Didn't seem the case with Keaton or Conroy ...
- "Alfred, you're the best !" I concur, Tim. It is why you're my favorite Robin !
- Meanwhile, Man Bat's wife is kidnapped and some written-by-a-computer mysterious threat threatens to inject her with a bacillus.... it's Talia. Because a) Darling Detective b) This is but THE BEGINNING of pissing me off.
- Alfred dresses up Brucie and tells him to play up the playboy attitude, whatever good that'll do...
- At the charity auction for some BS for Africa (BITCH I'M FROM AFRICA ! SEND ME THE CASH ! SEND ME THE CHEERS ! SEND ME 100 ROSES !), we meet the new Bat-Girlfriend (cus every run fucking needs one despite none having surpassed Silver St-Cloud...); Jezebel Jet. With a name like that, I am sure nothing nefarious will occur...
- " They made me do it ! I know that sounds like some horrible cliché" ... Grant, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Pointing that some shit is clichéd is more likely to be insincere and prejudiciable to the enjoyability of the story.
- The party's attacked by Man-Bat NINJAS ! And Batman beats them up like nothing till they have to gang up on him. I don't remember Man-Bat to be a pushover let alone a fucking legion of him !
- Just so you know, throughout this whole run, the dialogue HURTS ME ! It's either quippy or fucking robotic because whoever wrote this is a goddamn Junkie replicant!
- So Talia Al Ghul wants to take over her father's league. I don't remember her being all that much into the league. She followed Ra's more out of loyalty.
- "I remember being drugged senseless and refusing to cooperate in some depraved eugenics experiment"... yup, Batman was raped by Talia basically. I could drop the text RIGHT HERE and feel more than justified in doing so. Don't think it's rape ? OK. Swap around the sexes... there you go.
- Then Talia goes away, thinking she's apparantly Fu Manchu... without the coolness... or the likability...or an actual fucking personality. Yeah she's about as cookie cutter as she fucking gets ! So much for the summit !
- MEET DAMIAN WAYNE. An argument for post-natal abortion. With a metallic base-ball bashing the abortion's skull. Followed by urinating on the mashed cranium and brains. Words fail me to describe how much I LOATHE this fucking shitstain. He's basically Grant Morrison's OC Doughnut Steel and has been embraced at large to my everlasting woe. To understand better, the MOMENT I see him on a fanart, I refuse to keep said picture. AUTOMATICALLY, it's like a gag reflex !
- In the Bat-cave, Damian starts asking about methane produced by bat shit in the cave. Talk about who you are much, you little feculent scum ? He then meets Robin and threatens to break his face and says "fuck you" to Alfred. I am so glad people became fans of this cum stain.
- The Spook appears ! Good to know that Scooby-Doo villains still find employment in this job market...
- Next scene, after rape, have murder ! Damian brings a decapitated head (the Spook's) with a grenade in it and sucker-punches Tim. So Bruce's blood son is the greatest because he pulls cheap tricks and attempts to kill the Robin that deservedly got a solo title. Sure these are the marks of greatness !
- I love how mildly irritated Batman is at Damian's murder AND attempted homocides, but hey, whatever dude ! Take him on the fucking Bat-Rocket !
- You know, seeing how shittily Talia is written, something tells me that a certain someone has deep-seated mommy issues...BTW, Frank Miller really stuck as the sexist one ? Because between THIS and New X-men, Grant genuinely TOPS HIM when it comes to clear cut misogyny... and flipping the bird to past writers. Because who the fuck they are to compare with the "Gawd of comics" eh ?
- We reach the "Clown At Midnight" issue. And despite the cool cover, it's NOT a comic issue. It's prose. HORRIBLE PROSE to introduce Grant's new villain; Jeff The Killer... or the Seriouser. dailypop.files.wordpress.com/2… See, shit like this makes me think that the editors should do their job... cus I see this in a comic I would pay for, I'd rip the artist's eyeballs... wait I read it for free and still feel ripped off. Wait, that's supposed to be the Joker ? EAT SHIT. And the next time anyone rants on Leto's Joker (who I like. BITE ME. And I take him any day over Alan Moore's sappy clown, GOT IT ?!) when THIS and Scott Snyder's leatherface exist, I'll just say they have no fucking room talking or complaining.
This whole sham of an issue is your usual try-hard edgelord SRSBZNS garbage (get used to it. It's the vast majority of his villains...)
The idea is that the Joker has no personality, only a series of supersonas to justify Grant's shitty writing AND overall laziness to produce something funny or noteworthy. Jeff here is a golden compilation of the most overused serial killer cliches coupled with Sweeney Todd and all rolled up into a "super sanity" retard logic. His blood also contains Smylex you guys ! Oh and the BEST detail ? He can't enunciate because he can't close his lips... we're supposed to be scared here, right ? Cus anytime I remember THAT detail, his intimidation cred goes the fuck away...
I love how Batman insists on how dangerous Jeff is ! If he escapes, Gotham faces a One-Man Holocaust (shooting the vitals is no option it seems...). Oh, it's been a one man Holocaust since Rucka took a stab at writing the clown and DC has not fixed that shit, you moron !
Only positive ? The Joker toxin component separated on black and red petal roses and only active when one touches both colors. Done before with perfume and beauty products BUT hey, the idea is good.
Word to the wise ? You want to write a scary Joker ? Make him funny, passionate, give him Looney Tunes shenanigans and the rest will fall into place www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgCbeg…

ROUND 2: The Impostors and other Silver-Age dumbfuckery

- In the snowy mountains, Bruce meets Jezebel (wink fuckingwink) and brags about how much cooler he is than James Bond (yeah, keep telling yourself that you hippie...). He also destroys a Paparazzi's little copter. This gets Jet hot and bothered !
- Back in the grim streets of Gotham, batman attacks a pimp and crooked cops to help hookers. Took him long enough !
- "Hey Batman, you want, I'll give you a freebie !". This is the only likable new character. NO JOKE. The hooker is the only character I like. In a Batman comic.
- A crazy cop (impostor 2) is murdering hookers and hanging on pizza boxes. The swine ! Turns out he's a Bane cosplayer and he soundly beats Batman into Guano. No tactics or skill like the true Bane, he just stomps Bruce. Wow, lame.
- Oh! Bats is saved by Roxy the hooker. So Grant can write a likable woman ! Last time we see her ? Ok....
- The Black Casebook is mentionned (don't worry, THIS is where this shit debutes). Because if you wanna jerk off to the Silver Age, might as well make a Junior Woodchuck guide out of it !
- After his defeat, Bruce pulls off a sweaty shirt and towels himself with it. Why ? Because it gives him the scent of an Alpha Male Plus... so the more sweaty a dude is, the more dominant he is ? Allow me to doubt that. He also brags about how he's beaten up Superman. Bitch please ! 90's Supes wouldn't fight you because it'd be like smashing a deaf-mute paralytic and he has fucking standards. OG Supes ? The absolute MADLAD Shuster and Siegel came up with ? You'd be eating the bat-mobile with a Goddamn straw after facing him!
- So he defeats bat-Bane and... no, sorry, I need a minute. The sweaty shirt thing blew my mind. Pepe Le pew had the Keys to Chadness all along ?!
- Back with Talia and Damian... awesome. Wait, they replace Damian's organs fully ? So he's like a shitty car ?
- Batman 666: THE FUTURE where Damian is Batman and I yell "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" while burning DC's office to the ground. I miss Terry...
Anyway, we still have pretentious inhuman dialogue, non-compelling theatrality and self-insertion because Adult Damian looks and acts like Grant morrison. The cat, the drugs, the baldness, the meditation, the pretention (he sold his soul to the devil to save Gotham. I miss Neron. If he bought said soul, Damian would in a deep fryer in hell, where he belongs !). Ah and the 3rd Impostor we've been waiting for (but not really) ? He's Devil Batman ! His devilish plan ?
"Imagine a kingdom of rape and murder and madness. Forever and ever. Amen." So a hentai then ? Got it. Damian the guano-man defeats him of course because he booby-trapped all of Gotham. Suuure he did. "I promised my father I wouldn't kill" he says as he snaps Devil Batman's neck right away... well-kept promise indeed.
- Meet the Black Glove ! SPOILERS: They suck like you wouldn't believe.
- Meet the Club of Heroes ! SPOILERS : This is what happens when you create C-listers WITHOUT any of the charm C-listers usually have. Seriously, these fuckers won't matter. The reason the club was established is so fucking vapid. In fact, I am happy these bozoes will fucking die !
- " When you're a kid, all adults can seem like Superheroes"
No. Some might be cool at best, most seem like a giant pain in the ass. Same with kids, some are chill, others make me wish their parents were sterile...
- "Money changes everything. People like me live lives beyond the law". Funny, I don't remember the cruelest villains unvariably loaded with cash...
- Next up is Ra's Al Ghul resur... FUCK IT, NO. I'll stick with his fight against the Legion Of Superheroes as his LAST storyline. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ROUND 3: BATMAN RIP(s a fat one...)

- "His name was Hurt. Simon Hurt. Why am I only remembering this now ?". Shitty writing would be the reason. I remember back in the day people thought it'd be Hush all along. Nope. He was busy being in a far better story that I did not regret reading. Pr Strange ? He was busy preparing himself for Arkham City which is titanically superior to the shit we're in here...
- Devil Batman has captured Batman and tries cutting his arm... BUT IT WAS A FAKE ALL ALONG ! Dammit, he stole this from the Joker ! Except even the clown is humbler. I may have not insisted on this, but Morrison's Batman is such an insufferable braggart that I end up wishing he were just silent all together. Can't we have Venom Snake replace this guy ?!
- "Dog Bandits ? We can do so much better than this, Nightwing !" No argument there, Tim.
- Jezebel dines with Bruce and some blind douche with 9 fingers attacks them... don't care, NEXT !
- BATMAN R.I.P FINALLY STARTS ! With a name like that, one expects something badass like the vast majority of Bat-foes going after Bruce and his allies. But fuck that, more silver age blowjobs and avant-garde dumbfuckery please ! I can't describe for ultimately EMPTY this story is. Even in my best of moods reading it, I'd feel it was a hollow pile of nothing.
- The story starts proper with the black glove organizing their little party. Also Jeff the killer is invited while he was day-dreaming about the Joker virus killing everyone making them bleed and grin... riveting.
- Batman throws at us the TOTALLY SUBTLE CLUE Y'ALL about the Black glove. They're a bunch of rich assholes... sigh... couldn't they be a team of demented hobos instead ? For the lulz ? Meanwhile, Dr Hurt reminds me how it is possible to be pure evil and purely deprived of any entertainment value whatsoever !
- Jet is invited to the batcave. Batman reminds us that in the past, bat feces was around because that is the first I want to read about when I think Batman...
- OH NO ! Commissioner Gordon finds out A TWIST YOU GUYS ! Dr Thomas Wayne was an alcoholic and hardcore junkie ! So he was Grant Morrison ALL ALONG ! LE GASP ! You know, I'd love to see his take on Phantom Blood; Jonathan would be some drunk raping the maids at the Joestar mansion while Dio would be some insignificant and timid fool in the background yelling about meta-fiction... and he'd be black. Shit, I came up with Netfix JoJo ! WHAT HAVE I DONE ?!
- So Jezebel tells Bruce how pitiful he is for being Batman. And you, dear reader, are pathetic for daring to enjoy Batman. Hey Grant, at least I am not sucking my own dick. Also, Zur-Eh-Arrh ? YES, I NOTICED IT FROM THE GET-GO YOU DIPSHIT and NO IT DID NOT NEED TO COME BACK ! NOT EVEN AS A MENTAL SWITCH !
- After capturing Batman, Hurt injects him with crystal Meth and street heroin. Nevermind how dangerous these drugs are, I am not interested in Grant's breakfast habits...
- Sooo Bruce is now a humble hobo and befriends another hobo named Honor Jackson. Ok, cool.
- What's this ? Honor died the day before meeting Bruce ? Ok, nevermind.
- Hurt is happy to have won ! But little did he know, the Batman of Zur-EN-ARRRRRRGH is on the case ! With Bat-mite.
Fucking. Bat. Mite. More rambling about how Bruce invented a fucking back-up identity ALL THOSE YEARS JUST IN CASE ! WHO THE FUCK IS HE NOW ? DIAVOLO ?! Pr CHARLES XAVIER ?! VENTRILOQUIST ?!
- Hurt decides to set up the final act of his EEEEEVIL plan within Arkham. Because Jeff the Killer is within it.
- Le Bossu (the hunchback) verbally masturbates to Jeff the Seriouser. Hey Grant, we did not need to see his naked ass BTW...
- "Imagination is the 5th Dimension"... the stories with Mxyzptlk I have would tell you to fuck off.
- Meanwhile, Gordon is endangered in a booby-trapped Wayne manor. A meat-shield... I mean, a cop that has a 2 year old kid for totally not ham-fisted pathos, DIES within it ! But who cares since Talia and Damian are here to save the day ! I am physically drained...
- Ah, Jeff The Killer finally confronts Zur-En-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! And Jeff cuts his tongue in half because that's hardcore for the young people today. Again, he talks his lips open all the time so it's not like he can sound more ridiculous.
- OH NO ! Jezebel was evil all along ! Who knew ? And the black and red rose petals fall on Bruce, dooming him to get some Joker toxin ! Le GASP !
- I found myself in a place that's NOT a place ! 2DEEP4U !
- In a flashback with a totally NOT-generic martial arts teacher, Bruce's tea was poisonned !
- The remaining of the Club of Heroes are here to save Robin...yay...
- Back to the flashback, Bruce swapped the tea cups when the other guy blinked ! THE FUCK IS HE NOW ? THE FLASH ?!
- At Arkham , Jeff is here to metaphorically suck Batman's cock about how prepared he is. Then he breaks Saddam Husein's neck. You may have guessed why I much prefer ASBAR to this to this shit... Cus from the start, Morrison was writing BatGOD. A retarded living Deus Ex Machina who wins cus ULTIMATE PREP !
- Nightwing is there to help Batman fight the Black Glove after escaping the operation room. I'd say it's awesome if it were written by a Bat-writer I actually appreciate...
- Jeff The Killer escapes in an ambulance. Ambulance that Damian The Cunt rams out of the bridge with the Batmobile. He also badmouths Alfred to remind me what a lovable scamp he is. Move over young Justice, Screw You Generation X, Damian Wayne is where it's at. www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkcL6w…
- Bruce finally confronts Dr Hurt in the cringiest scene EVER ! Hurt says he is the devil or the piece that does not fit or some such nonsense that is thankfully stopped by the explosion of the helicopter he and Batman are inside. GOOD RIDDANCE !
- Thus FINAL CRISIS HAPPENS ! Well more like "Morrison glued a Jack Kirby encyclopedia with his own cum. Now pay 30 bucks for it". And Batman is captured so that they make Bat-clones out of his superior DNA www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O8J2l… WHY THE FUCK WOULD DARKSEID EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BATMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE ?! DUDE'S APATHETIC TO SUPERMAN TO BEGIN WITH ! Afterwards, Dick Grayson becomes Batman because fuck having an identity of his own, Damian becomes Robin and MAIN deuteragonist because fuck me for liking Tim, Cass and Jean-Paul. Later on Batman Inc happens and it's one of the retarded concepts AND executions ever. Bruce straight up says he's been financing Batman all those years and wants him to go global ? Might as well fucking YELL that you're the Goddamn Batman at this point ! And with that I now miss Crazy Steve...

Well my friends , I hope you enjoy this. Call it my pièce de résistance as it will be my adieu to shitty comics (No Snyder Bats Edgelord conspiracy, No Tom King navel gazing. OK ? Bonus round: Cates' Venom still sucks ass and so does Shin Godzilla. Sue me.) I'll focus on the good stuff from now on for life is but a fleeting fickle ephemereal moment !
Have you been ENTERTAINED ?!

Description
WARNING: TIME FOR YOURS TRULY TO BALANCE THINGS OUT ! Enjoy the show ! No refunds.

Back in the day, I talked about the wonders of the spectacle that ASBAR. It was lots of laughter and a pleasure to talk about. In case you're late to the party, have a glance www.deviantart.com/devilkais/j…
However, I may have tempted you, dear audience, with another *sigh* Batman run. The one that achieved what War Games, War Crimes and Infinite Crisis were gunning for and chased my enjoyment for Bat-storylines away. I am happy to stop at Hush and call "Whatever Happened To the Caped Crusader" MY Batman ending. Though I do go for the occasional mini-series if it tickles my fancy.
But enough about me, let's KILL THIS !

I believe most of you know how I feel about the writing of a certain scottish notorious for consuming various drugs and being a chaos Magician. On that last aspect, do you think he can escape pyres then ?
This is one of those comics that make me wonder if there is anyone at DC Comics whose job it is to toss a script back into a writer's face, punch said writer and say "What the hell is this @#$% ?". Why did they hand over Batman to him instead of some obscure series he can puke his shamanic anilingus at ?
But, he's one of those writers they bow to and let do whatever the fuck he wants. So fuck him, fuck his dipshit fanbase and let's dig in, stream of thoughts style !

ROUND 1: RAPE BABY AND JEFF's BIRTH

- Andy Kubert draws the start of this run... GOD WHY ?! Dude, you drew MY X-men ! Such a decadence, a fall from grace to draw this shit !
- The Joker killed Batman and asks for Santa Claus next. Joke's on him, Lobo took care of that. Also, you shouldn't remind me of better comics I could be rereading ...
- Mr J is suddenly shot n the face. The Batman he "killed" was an impostor (le GASP !) and Batsy, who appears now, throws him in the garbage can... kind of how this run throws everything I love about my dear Dark Knight. I guess this is where Paul Dini picks the Joker from to write Slayride and the first 2 Arkham games. But we're not here to speak about Bat-stuff that brings me joy and happiness ...
- Gotham is now clean of "super"-crime ! Yeah, Two-face is still confirmed to roam around but, you know, Harvey is no big deal at all... Dipshit.
- Batman has a growl in his voice ? Didn't seem the case with Keaton or Conroy ...
- "Alfred, you're the best !" I concur, Tim. It is why you're my favorite Robin !
- Meanwhile, Man Bat's wife is kidnapped and some written-by-a-computer mysterious threat threatens to inject her with a bacillus.... it's Talia. Because a) Darling Detective b) This is but THE BEGINNING of pissing me off.
- Alfred dresses up Brucie and tells him to play up the playboy attitude, whatever good that'll do...
- At the charity auction for some BS for Africa (BITCH I'M FROM AFRICA ! SEND ME THE CASH ! SEND ME THE CHEERS ! SEND ME 100 ROSES !), we meet the new Bat-Girlfriend (cus every run fucking needs one despite none having surpassed Silver St-Cloud...); Jezebel Jet. With a name like that, I am sure nothing nefarious will occur...
- " They made me do it ! I know that sounds like some horrible cliché" ... Grant, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Pointing that some shit is clichéd is more likely to be insincere and prejudiciable to the enjoyability of the story.
- The party's attacked by Man-Bat NINJAS ! And Batman beats them up like nothing till they have to gang up on him. I don't remember Man-Bat to be a pushover let alone a fucking legion of him !
- Just so you know, throughout this whole run, the dialogue HURTS ME ! It's either quippy or fucking robotic because whoever wrote this is a goddamn Junkie replicant!
- So Talia Al Ghul wants to take over her father's league. I don't remember her being all that much into the league. She followed Ra's more out of loyalty.
- "I remember being drugged senseless and refusing to cooperate in some depraved eugenics experiment"... yup, Batman was raped by Talia basically. I could drop the text RIGHT HERE and feel more than justified in doing so. Don't think it's rape ? OK. Swap around the sexes... there you go.
- Then Talia goes away, thinking she's apparantly Fu Manchu... without the coolness... or the likability...or an actual fucking personality. Yeah she's about as cookie cutter as she fucking gets ! So much for the summit !
- MEET DAMIAN WAYNE. An argument for post-natal abortion. With a metallic base-ball bashing the abortion's skull. Followed by urinating on the mashed cranium and brains. Words fail me to describe how much I LOATHE this fucking shitstain. He's basically Grant Morrison's OC Doughnut Steel and has been embraced at large to my everlasting woe. To understand better, the MOMENT I see him on a fanart, I refuse to keep said picture. AUTOMATICALLY, it's like a gag reflex !
- In the Bat-cave, Damian starts asking about methane produced by bat shit in the cave. Talk about who you are much, you little feculent scum ? He then meets Robin and threatens to break his face and says "fuck you" to Alfred. I am so glad people became fans of this cum stain.
- The Spook appears ! Good to know that Scooby-Doo villains still find employment in this job market...
- Next scene, after rape, have murder ! Damian brings a decapitated head (the Spook's) with a grenade in it and sucker-punches Tim. So Bruce's blood son is the greatest because he pulls cheap tricks and attempts to kill the Robin that deservedly got a solo title. Sure these are the marks of greatness !
- I love how mildly irritated Batman is at Damian's murder AND attempted homocides, but hey, whatever dude ! Take him on the fucking Bat-Rocket !
- You know, seeing how shittily Talia is written, something tells me that a certain someone has deep-seated mommy issues...BTW, Frank Miller really stuck as the sexist one ? Because between THIS and New X-men, Grant genuinely TOPS HIM when it comes to clear cut misogyny... and flipping the bird to past writers. Because who the fuck they are to compare with the "Gawd of comics" eh ?
- We reach the "Clown At Midnight" issue. And despite the cool cover, it's NOT a comic issue. It's prose. HORRIBLE PROSE to introduce Grant's new villain; Jeff The Killer... or the Seriouser. dailypop.files.wordpress.com/2… See, shit like this makes me think that the editors should do their job... cus I see this in a comic I would pay for, I'd rip the artist's eyeballs... wait I read it for free and still feel ripped off. Wait, that's supposed to be the Joker ? EAT SHIT. And the next time anyone rants on Leto's Joker (who I like. BITE ME. And I take him any day over Alan Moore's sappy clown, GOT IT ?!) when THIS and Scott Snyder's leatherface exist, I'll just say they have no fucking room talking or complaining.
This whole sham of an issue is your usual try-hard edgelord SRSBZNS garbage (get used to it. It's the vast majority of his villains...)
The idea is that the Joker has no personality, only a series of supersonas to justify Grant's shitty writing AND overall laziness to produce something funny or noteworthy. Jeff here is a golden compilation of the most overused serial killer cliches coupled with Sweeney Todd and all rolled up into a "super sanity" retard logic. His blood also contains Smylex you guys ! Oh and the BEST detail ? He can't enunciate because he can't close his lips... we're supposed to be scared here, right ? Cus anytime I remember THAT detail, his intimidation cred goes the fuck away...
I love how Batman insists on how dangerous Jeff is ! If he escapes, Gotham faces a One-Man Holocaust (shooting the vitals is no option it seems...). Oh, it's been a one man Holocaust since Rucka took a stab at writing the clown and DC has not fixed that shit, you moron !
Only positive ? The Joker toxin component separated on black and red petal roses and only active when one touches both colors. Done before with perfume and beauty products BUT hey, the idea is good.
Word to the wise ? You want to write a scary Joker ? Make him funny, passionate, give him Looney Tunes shenanigans and the rest will fall into place www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgCbeg…

ROUND 2: The Impostors and other Silver-Age dumbfuckery

- In the snowy mountains, Bruce meets Jezebel (wink fuckingwink) and brags about how much cooler he is than James Bond (yeah, keep telling yourself that you hippie...). He also destroys a Paparazzi's little copter. This gets Jet hot and bothered !
- Back in the grim streets of Gotham, batman attacks a pimp and crooked cops to help hookers. Took him long enough !
- "Hey Batman, you want, I'll give you a freebie !". This is the only likable new character. NO JOKE. The hooker is the only character I like. In a Batman comic.
- A crazy cop (impostor 2) is murdering hookers and hanging on pizza boxes. The swine ! Turns out he's a Bane cosplayer and he soundly beats Batman into Guano. No tactics or skill like the true Bane, he just stomps Bruce. Wow, lame.
- Oh! Bats is saved by Roxy the hooker. So Grant can write a likable woman ! Last time we see her ? Ok....
- The Black Casebook is mentionned (don't worry, THIS is where this shit debutes). Because if you wanna jerk off to the Silver Age, might as well make a Junior Woodchuck guide out of it !
- After his defeat, Bruce pulls off a sweaty shirt and towels himself with it. Why ? Because it gives him the scent of an Alpha Male Plus... so the more sweaty a dude is, the more dominant he is ? Allow me to doubt that. He also brags about how he's beaten up Superman. Bitch please ! 90's Supes wouldn't fight you because it'd be like smashing a deaf-mute paralytic and he has fucking standards. OG Supes ? The absolute MADLAD Shuster and Siegel came up with ? You'd be eating the bat-mobile with a Goddamn straw after facing him!
- So he defeats bat-Bane and... no, sorry, I need a minute. The sweaty shirt thing blew my mind. Pepe Le pew had the Keys to Chadness all along ?!
- Back with Talia and Damian... awesome. Wait, they replace Damian's organs fully ? So he's like a shitty car ?
- Batman 666: THE FUTURE where Damian is Batman and I yell "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" while burning DC's office to the ground. I miss Terry...
Anyway, we still have pretentious inhuman dialogue, non-compelling theatrality and self-insertion because Adult Damian looks and acts like Grant morrison. The cat, the drugs, the baldness, the meditation, the pretention (he sold his soul to the devil to save Gotham. I miss Neron. If he bought said soul, Damian would in a deep fryer in hell, where he belongs !). Ah and the 3rd Impostor we've been waiting for (but not really) ? He's Devil Batman ! His devilish plan ?
"Imagine a kingdom of rape and murder and madness. Forever and ever. Amen." So a hentai then ? Got it. Damian the guano-man defeats him of course because he booby-trapped all of Gotham. Suuure he did. "I promised my father I wouldn't kill" he says as he snaps Devil Batman's neck right away... well-kept promise indeed.
- Meet the Black Glove ! SPOILERS: They suck like you wouldn't believe.
- Meet the Club of Heroes ! SPOILERS : This is what happens when you create C-listers WITHOUT any of the charm C-listers usually have. Seriously, these fuckers won't matter. The reason the club was established is so fucking vapid. In fact, I am happy these bozoes will fucking die !
- " When you're a kid, all adults can seem like Superheroes"
No. Some might be cool at best, most seem like a giant pain in the ass. Same with kids, some are chill, others make me wish their parents were sterile...
- "Money changes everything. People like me live lives beyond the law". Funny, I don't remember the cruelest villains unvariably loaded with cash...
- Next up is Ra's Al Ghul resur... FUCK IT, NO. I'll stick with his fight against the Legion Of Superheroes as his LAST storyline. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ROUND 3: BATMAN RIP(s a fat one...)

- "His name was Hurt. Simon Hurt. Why am I only remembering this now ?". Shitty writing would be the reason. I remember back in the day people thought it'd be Hush all along. Nope. He was busy being in a far better story that I did not regret reading. Pr Strange ? He was busy preparing himself for Arkham City which is titanically superior to the shit we're in here...
- Devil Batman has captured Batman and tries cutting his arm... BUT IT WAS A FAKE ALL ALONG ! Dammit, he stole this from the Joker ! Except even the clown is humbler. I may have not insisted on this, but Morrison's Batman is such an insufferable braggart that I end up wishing he were just silent all together. Can't we have Venom Snake replace this guy ?!
- "Dog Bandits ? We can do so much better than this, Nightwing !" No argument there, Tim.
- Jezebel dines with Bruce and some blind douche with 9 fingers attacks them... don't care, NEXT !
- BATMAN R.I.P FINALLY STARTS ! With a name like that, one expects something badass like the vast majority of Bat-foes going after Bruce and his allies. But fuck that, more silver age blowjobs and avant-garde dumbfuckery please ! I can't describe for ultimately EMPTY this story is. Even in my best of moods reading it, I'd feel it was a hollow pile of nothing.
- The story starts proper with the black glove organizing their little party. Also Jeff the killer is invited while he was day-dreaming about the Joker virus killing everyone making them bleed and grin... riveting.
- Batman throws at us the TOTALLY SUBTLE CLUE Y'ALL about the Black glove. They're a bunch of rich assholes... sigh... couldn't they be a team of demented hobos instead ? For the lulz ? Meanwhile, Dr Hurt reminds me how it is possible to be pure evil and purely deprived of any entertainment value whatsoever !
- Jet is invited to the batcave. Batman reminds us that in the past, bat feces was around because that is the first I want to read about when I think Batman...
- OH NO ! Commissioner Gordon finds out A TWIST YOU GUYS ! Dr Thomas Wayne was an alcoholic and hardcore junkie ! So he was Grant Morrison ALL ALONG ! LE GASP ! You know, I'd love to see his take on Phantom Blood; Jonathan would be some drunk raping the maids at the Joestar mansion while Dio would be some insignificant and timid fool in the background yelling about meta-fiction... and he'd be black. Shit, I came up with Netfix JoJo ! WHAT HAVE I DONE ?!
- So Jezebel tells Bruce how pitiful he is for being Batman. And you, dear reader, are pathetic for daring to enjoy Batman. Hey Grant, at least I am not sucking my own dick. Also, Zur-Eh-Arrh ? YES, I NOTICED IT FROM THE GET-GO YOU DIPSHIT and NO IT DID NOT NEED TO COME BACK ! NOT EVEN AS A MENTAL SWITCH !
- After capturing Batman, Hurt injects him with crystal Meth and street heroin. Nevermind how dangerous these drugs are, I am not interested in Grant's breakfast habits...
- Sooo Bruce is now a humble hobo and befriends another hobo named Honor Jackson. Ok, cool.
- What's this ? Honor died the day before meeting Bruce ? Ok, nevermind.
- Hurt is happy to have won ! But little did he know, the Batman of Zur-EN-ARRRRRRGH is on the case ! With Bat-mite.
Fucking. Bat. Mite. More rambling about how Bruce invented a fucking back-up identity ALL THOSE YEARS JUST IN CASE ! WHO THE FUCK IS HE NOW ? DIAVOLO ?! Pr CHARLES XAVIER ?! VENTRILOQUIST ?!
- Hurt decides to set up the final act of his EEEEEVIL plan within Arkham. Because Jeff the Killer is within it.
- Le Bossu (the hunchback) verbally masturbates to Jeff the Seriouser. Hey Grant, we did not need to see his naked ass BTW...
- "Imagination is the 5th Dimension"... the stories with Mxyzptlk I have would tell you to fuck off.
- Meanwhile, Gordon is endangered in a booby-trapped Wayne manor. A meat-shield... I mean, a cop that has a 2 year old kid for totally not ham-fisted pathos, DIES within it ! But who cares since Talia and Damian are here to save the day ! I am physically drained...
- Ah, Jeff The Killer finally confronts Zur-En-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! And Jeff cuts his tongue in half because that's hardcore for the young people today. Again, he talks his lips open all the time so it's not like he can sound more ridiculous.
- OH NO ! Jezebel was evil all along ! Who knew ? And the black and red rose petals fall on Bruce, dooming him to get some Joker toxin ! Le GASP !
- I found myself in a place that's NOT a place ! 2DEEP4U !
- In a flashback with a totally NOT-generic martial arts teacher, Bruce's tea was poisonned !
- The remaining of the Club of Heroes are here to save Robin...yay...
- Back to the flashback, Bruce swapped the tea cups when the other guy blinked ! THE FUCK IS HE NOW ? THE FLASH ?!
- At Arkham , Jeff is here to metaphorically suck Batman's cock about how prepared he is. Then he breaks Saddam Husein's neck. You may have guessed why I much prefer ASBAR to this to this shit... Cus from the start, Morrison was writing BatGOD. A retarded living Deus Ex Machina who wins cus ULTIMATE PREP !
- Nightwing is there to help Batman fight the Black Glove after escaping the operation room. I'd say it's awesome if it were written by a Bat-writer I actually appreciate...
- Jeff The Killer escapes in an ambulance. Ambulance that Damian The Cunt rams out of the bridge with the Batmobile. He also badmouths Alfred to remind me what a lovable scamp he is. Move over young Justice, Screw You Generation X, Damian Wayne is where it's at. www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkcL6w…
- Bruce finally confronts Dr Hurt in the cringiest scene EVER ! Hurt says he is the devil or the piece that does not fit or some such nonsense that is thankfully stopped by the explosion of the helicopter he and Batman are inside. GOOD RIDDANCE !
- Thus FINAL CRISIS HAPPENS ! Well more like "Morrison glued a Jack Kirby encyclopedia with his own cum. Now pay 30 bucks for it". And Batman is captured so that they make Bat-clones out of his superior DNA www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O8J2l… WHY THE FUCK WOULD DARKSEID EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BATMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE ?! DUDE'S APATHETIC TO SUPERMAN TO BEGIN WITH ! Afterwards, Dick Grayson becomes Batman because fuck having an identity of his own, Damian becomes Robin and MAIN deuteragonist because fuck me for liking Tim, Cass and Jean-Paul. Later on Batman Inc happens and it's one of the retarded concepts AND executions ever. Bruce straight up says he's been financing Batman all those years and wants him to go global ? Might as well fucking YELL that you're the Goddamn Batman at this point ! And with that I now miss Crazy Steve...

Well my friends , I hope you enjoy this. Call it my pièce de résistance as it will be my adieu to shitty comics (No Snyder Bats Edgelord conspiracy, No Tom King navel gazing. OK ? Bonus round: Cates' Venom still sucks ass and so does Shin Godzilla. Sue me.) I'll focus on the good stuff from now on for life is but a fleeting fickle ephemereal moment !
Have you been ENTERTAINED ?!