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evilfaeries [2003-09-15 03:33:58 +0000 UTC]

You want to know how to make it better, yet no one will tell you how. I sorta find that rude to an extent cause I tried to help you. anyways. here goes. dont get mad at me, im telling you what i think could improve it.
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Puppets on a string
thats all you are
Dance for the masses Puppets
DANCE!

the word masses could be changed to something else so it sounds a little, easier off the tongue when read. Also, add more visuals. If you are going to talk about it being similiar to a puppet, give a little detail stating the fact of why you believe it.
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Wear your Brand Name Gear
Listen to the music that the media says you
should hear, watch the same played out
shows of teenage infidelity and angst

the second and third line run on, thats not really poetic. Change it so that the second line makes a statement and then the third line makes another statement.
And make it more poetic. Dont just state the facts, say it with meaning.
And instead of saying teenage infidelity in the fourth line, id say something else that adds a little more visualization.
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How dare you think you can be of normal
Weight
Ana and Mia your best friends
because society says your Fat? They want you
to look like a magazine cover that is nothing more than an
airbrushed picture of MiSs MaTcHeD Shapes

the first and second line run on again. make it different. and once again, dont " tell" the audience about it, make them feel it. And in the third line, what does ana and mia being your friends have to do anything? it sounds almost mid sentence. and third and fourth and fifth lines run on togather. thats not poetic. i would re do it and make them all seperate lines that each one states something and ends at the end before you hit enter And maybe you were trying to make a point with making "weigh" bold, but it doesnt make sense to me.
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Puppets on a string dancing to and fro
No thoughts of your own
Never wanting to know whats outside of the box
that 'They' created

Here again, dont just tell people, actually let them see it, feel it and experience it.
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Dance on little puppets
dance to the tune of your
boozing and drugs

second line runs on to the third line. i would change it if it was my poem. and the word boozing just doesnt sound right in it.
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Dangle from your strings
nothing more than a noose around your necks
Too afraid to think for yourselves
Fearing that the masses will view you as nuts

last line masses just doesnt go well with it. nuts doesnt go well with it either. this does give more visualization than the other parts tho.
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Well don't ever venture to this tea party puppets
'because we're all mad here'
Our strings were severed long ago
and our thoughts our all our own

I dont like the way this began. its like you are telling them, when you should be telling the audience why the puppets shouldnt go. And i dont get what it has to do with anything. It sorta confuses me and makes me wonder what a tea party has to do with thinking on your own, when the point of this is supposed to be about people saying you should do something else.. and la la la.. meh. i dunno.

Hopefully this sheds some light on you,and you dont get pissed at me, You wanted help, I gave you help.

~~ Kandice

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