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"Hello everyone and welcome to our special Thanksgiving episode of Cannibal Cooking!" the perky blonde girl in a chef hat announced. "My name is Donna and today we're going to show you how to roast a turkey over a pit!"

"Hey! I'm not a turkey!" I exclaimed. I was quite worried. I was stripped naked and my arms and legs are tied tightly to a spit and I was dangling dangling helplessly over a pile of logs about ready to be set on fire.

"Now the most important thing to any meal is garnish and appearance." Donna said. She pulled out an apple and stuck it it in my mouth.

"MMMMPPHHH!" I cried out.

"See how the apple adds flavor, presentation and it shuts the food up? In cooking, you should always try to maximize your ingredients for maximum effect."

"Mmmmmph," I whined. This was a very helpful kitchen tip but I doubt I'd be able to ever use it considering my current predicament. Besides, I don't cook much. I'm more a carry out and microwave kind of guy. They really should have gotten someone else to guest star on the show.

"Now, for picking out the turkey," Donna continued. "You'll want to find one with a lot of meat on it." She pinched my beer belly painfully. "MMMMPPHHH!" I protested.

"And one with a lot of spirit," she said. "Listen to him try to scream though the gag apple. Some turkeys just lie there and you know they will be bland. Even though this turkey is a little old, he's got spirit so the meat should still be tender with exciting flavors. Okay, now we light the fire."

"MMMMMMMMMMMMPHHHH!" I screamed. Below me was a blazing bonfire.

"Now you just turn the handle of the spit and turn it slowly." Donna explained. "While doing so you can sprinkle spices and pour oil over the turkey. Basting is very important."

I was really getting terrified. I felt the fire while getting dizzy being spun on the spit like... well, a turkey. It's not manly to cry but I was screaming and crying. I was done for.

"You forgot one thing in your recipe," I heard a familiar voice say. I looked and there was Ruby Katharina looking breathtaking as ever. She's always gorgeous but seeing her standing there confident and strong about to rescue me. Wow. I never got tired of seeing her.

Oh, and considering I was above an open fire ready to get cooked, I REALLY was happy to see her. "MMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHH!"

"Shut up, turkey." Donna said. "And you, get out of my kitchen."

"It's not your kitchen." Ruby said. She grabbed Donna's chef hat and put it on her own head. "Today we are going to learn how to prepare crazy cannibal. First you will need a blender."

Ruby picked up Donna's blender then hit her over the head with it.

"That's pretty much it. End of recipe."

"MMMMMMMMMMMMPPHHHHH!" I cried. I was going to be very broiled unless she saved me quickly.

Ruby just shook her head and the flames just vanished. "Protection spell, remember?" she sighed. "You got kidnapped by a crazed vegan last week and a cannibal this week. You've got a real talent for distress."

I nodded my head in shame. She had a point.

She lowered the spit gently then untied me. "You've got a nice tan there." she complimented. She then pulled the apple out of my mouth and took a bite. "Yum."

"Thank you for saving me," I said obviously embarrassed. I still feel shame having to be saved by a woman even though it happens all the time.

"Again," Ruby laughed.

"Thank you for saving me AGAIN," I said. "I owe you. Again."

"Well, come with me if you'd like for Thanksgiving dinner," she offered. "Well, at least for you there's some good news. Nincevin has decided to move on. She won't be joining us."

That sounds good to me. Nincevin used to kidnap me on a regular basis. I was glad she wouldn't be there.

"Maybe then I'll go a whole holiday without being kidnapped," I said hopelessly.

"I wouldn't count on it, Superguy, but let's give it a try, Ruby laughed. "Let's go."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING