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Description
Hello darkness my old friend...
I've come to talk with you again...

Vent drawing same as last months

An extremely personal piece to me given everything that's happened, and is happening since I've been home. I'm more than 100% certain that I'm falling apart, the doctors say that nothing is wrong with me, in my bones anyway. But how does that even make sense ? How does it go from a million and one problems, to getting let go like you're nothing, to coming home and civilian doctors telling you there's nothing wrong with you but the pain still exists everyday ? Everyday it's a struggle to get up and move around , everyday what happened is a constant reminder because no jobs will take you I'm 100% certain that my relationships are falling apart and it's beyond my control because there's only so much you can do as yourself . Everything works both ways nothing is a one person team in something. But hey, wanna hide stuff go right on ahead you're only hurting between the two of us .

Only a month home and I feel like I've lost everything.

I've been getting a bunch of notes and I just want to make it public to everyone so I don't have to keep repeating myself
The first day that I went to my duty station I met my battle buddy Mullings, me and her are two peas in a pod and still are to this day despite the fact that I'm 19 and she's 28. Her and I were sharing stories out the whazoo and she went to the same basic training that I did the year before her. I heard her ankle snap crackle and pop and I said "Damn, you think that was bad you should see how crappy it is having my ankles! They sprain and twist all the time! Though it hasn't happened for an extremely long time (years)" The next morning we were outside running and it sounded like a gun went off, no lie. A straight gun. I don't even know what hit me! All of the sudden I was up, then I hear everyone around me panicking and wigging out and then I noticed that I was down. And I wasn't getting back up. My leg was thrashing around twitching, jerking, shaking like it had a mind of its own. Next thing I knew my sergeant was dragging me by the back of my shirt off to the grass. Then we were off to the emergency TMC and it only got worse from there. My battles carried me in, they threw me on crutches that I didn't even know how to use having never used them before because I never had to I couldn't tell you how many times I face planted trying to get to the x-ray room (why didn't you just give me a wheelchair) when I got there, they told me that there was so much trauma to the area that they couldn't get an x-ray because of the liquids state right now and that I'd have to wait three days. Those 3 days were the most critical three days to an injury I for one believe. I was supposed to get a brace for my ankle but they wouldn't give me one because it "wouldn't allow me to wear my uniform" and apparently that's a big fucking deal over a pretty big deal injury. So they gave me an ace bandage.... Didn't touch my ankle or my legs or nothing and said oh that's just tendon damage you just damaged your tendon you'll be fine. They put me on profile for a straight month, I still wasn't getting better I was getting worse, no painkillers no nothing just an ace bandage... and having to ruck back and forth to my job 2 miles there and back everyday with all of my gear. Walking was becoming an impossible feat at times. When my profile expired excusing me from having to do specific things that I clearly couldn't do in the first place it happened to be on a Monday, a PT test Monday. I told them that there's no way that I can take this test and pass it and they said well your profile is expired so that means that your injury doesn't exist anymore. Now, I have a bit of a competitive issue when it comes to men in the military because I'm not going to be walked over like a dog so we have 2 minutes to do push ups and sit ups females only have to do 42 sit ups to pass, 13 push ups to pass, males have to do 42 push ups, and 53 sit ups to pass at the minimum . I have always done 85 push ups and 119 sit ups in those allowed 2 minutes . Being forced to take the test I was only able to do 20 push ups and 60 sit ups. I have NEVER done that horrible My ankle decided to blow up and people were getting concerned because of how big it was swelling when the run portion came I remember being on 6/8 laps and my ankle just could not take it anymore I could not control myself from crying any longer because of the pain and I collapsed in the middle of the track and just didn't want to get up. I knew that I was done for and this was it especially with all the cuts they're doing from the army as is. I went back to the emergency TMC this time I had another doctor evaluate me and he literally felt like he was breaking my bones just doing the "routine" I accidentally ended up cursing him out through every routine because of all the pain. He told me that I had tendon damage, ligament damage, a severe case of shin splints, my hip alignment was off, something was wrong with my tibular bone and fibula and the rest he said in very long medical names that I just did not understand. BUT I STILL DIDN'T GET ANY MEDICATION OR A FRIGGING BRACE OR ANYTHING! Hello new white ace bandage, you're my best friend He said I needed to do physical therapy. 3 months and I MIGHT be walking again, I MIGHT get better, I MIGHT all these mights and never and answer. Ontop of this I also had a lot of personal stuff going on at home not knowing if my mom was going to die or not, and I can't stand her, she dropped me off and never came back for me when I was 11 years old and left me to someone I only saw on the weekends, but no one wants someone to be terminally ill. I dropped 4 sizes in a matter of 5 weeks doing nothing, I couldn't stomach anything from all this emotional pain, I began to act out towards my sergeants and those in my company, horrible insomnia that nights I don't even remember happening but good old Mullings would tell me I would be aimlessly up and about in the room from the time bed check was to 4am! and we get up at 4:30 ontop of many other things that were out of the norm for me . So, my class had a week left before it was done and over with I had to do the BS 2 miles there and back from the company to TSED , passed all my tests with 100's, even tore skin after skin after skin off my hands from a-hole generators and they decided that because of my injury I'm suddenly after 9 weeks DAY AFTER DAY OF BEING THERE, a hazard and that I can't be there anymore. You can imagine how that went. After having to hold all this pent up shit inside of me I had a panic attack later that day.. My sergeant wanted me to do something my face jerked violently because I all of the sudden couldn't breath and he thought I disrespected him and went on a trip and then he was like oh shit, threw me into the hallway by myself and I had a panic attack for over an hour straight . I had to go to behavioral health at Kenner and even they weren't understanding my frustration with everything and why I was acting out the way that I was acting out. I told them how do you think it feels carrying all this weight on your shoulders because you don't have parents to do anything for you, you don't have someone to help you with school, you don't have someone to help you with anything! Being in the army is your only ticket and then you get hurt, you get really hurt and it's not getting better it's getting worse! Knowing your entire class is graduating except for you because you're a hazard now? Not knowing when you might even walk normally again? IF you might?! How emotionally draining it is when you fall and you can't get off the fucking floor because you can't even feel your leg anymore. There was a bunch of other things more than mentioned. Physical therapy happened. more like didn't happen She would constantly put me through things that I couldn't do, I'd fall, I'd scream I'd get angry and toss something.. It once took me half an hour to stand up on a box not being allowed to hold onto anything because I physically could not move my leg.

Skip skip skip days days days hours hours hours October 2nd I was told go home. I went home. I came home. I came home to a bunch of negativity from vets in the famil asking what the hell I'm doing with myself now that I got kicked out (honorably) that I need to get a job and do something with my loser self, things like that. No one in your family understanding the emotional and mental pain you're going through, trying to understand but not really caring much about it, no jobs will hire you because they love you until you tell them you got discharged because of your injury yada yada yada fuckitall fuckitfuckitfuckitall .

^^ Pretty simplified version because I'm just not truly open to all that's happening and has happened, it's just not connecting because I'm still pretty numb from all of it. Perhaps one day a video might surface or something.

Issamay (c) Coulterix
Reference Used: kristiaadams.files.wordpress.c…

You may NOT copy, sell, heavily reference, trace, steal, put this artwork on your website/blog/dAaccount or use it in any other way without my written/spoken permission!

Please Respect My Art,

Description
Hello darkness my old friend...
I've come to talk with you again...

Vent drawing same as last months

An extremely personal piece to me given everything that's happened, and is happening since I've been home. I'm more than 100% certain that I'm falling apart, the doctors say that nothing is wrong with me, in my bones anyway. But how does that even make sense ? How does it go from a million and one problems, to getting let go like you're nothing, to coming home and civilian doctors telling you there's nothing wrong with you but the pain still exists everyday ? Everyday it's a struggle to get up and move around , everyday what happened is a constant reminder because no jobs will take you I'm 100% certain that my relationships are falling apart and it's beyond my control because there's only so much you can do as yourself . Everything works both ways nothing is a one person team in something. But hey, wanna hide stuff go right on ahead you're only hurting between the two of us .

Only a month home and I feel like I've lost everything.

I've been getting a bunch of notes and I just want to make it public to everyone so I don't have to keep repeating myself
The first day that I went to my duty station I met my battle buddy Mullings, me and her are two peas in a pod and still are to this day despite the fact that I'm 19 and she's 28. Her and I were sharing stories out the whazoo and she went to the same basic training that I did the year before her. I heard her ankle snap crackle and pop and I said "Damn, you think that was bad you should see how crappy it is having my ankles! They sprain and twist all the time! Though it hasn't happened for an extremely long time (years)" The next morning we were outside running and it sounded like a gun went off, no lie. A straight gun. I don't even know what hit me! All of the sudden I was up, then I hear everyone around me panicking and wigging out and then I noticed that I was down. And I wasn't getting back up. My leg was thrashing around twitching, jerking, shaking like it had a mind of its own. Next thing I knew my sergeant was dragging me by the back of my shirt off to the grass. Then we were off to the emergency TMC and it only got worse from there. My battles carried me in, they threw me on crutches that I didn't even know how to use having never used them before because I never had to I couldn't tell you how many times I face planted trying to get to the x-ray room (why didn't you just give me a wheelchair) when I got there, they told me that there was so much trauma to the area that they couldn't get an x-ray because of the liquids state right now and that I'd have to wait three days. Those 3 days were the most critical three days to an injury I for one believe. I was supposed to get a brace for my ankle but they wouldn't give me one because it "wouldn't allow me to wear my uniform" and apparently that's a big fucking deal over a pretty big deal injury. So they gave me an ace bandage.... Didn't touch my ankle or my legs or nothing and said oh that's just tendon damage you just damaged your tendon you'll be fine. They put me on profile for a straight month, I still wasn't getting better I was getting worse, no painkillers no nothing just an ace bandage... and having to ruck back and forth to my job 2 miles there and back everyday with all of my gear. Walking was becoming an impossible feat at times. When my profile expired excusing me from having to do specific things that I clearly couldn't do in the first place it happened to be on a Monday, a PT test Monday. I told them that there's no way that I can take this test and pass it and they said well your profile is expired so that means that your injury doesn't exist anymore. Now, I have a bit of a competitive issue when it comes to men in the military because I'm not going to be walked over like a dog so we have 2 minutes to do push ups and sit ups females only have to do 42 sit ups to pass, 13 push ups to pass, males have to do 42 push ups, and 53 sit ups to pass at the minimum . I have always done 85 push ups and 119 sit ups in those allowed 2 minutes . Being forced to take the test I was only able to do 20 push ups and 60 sit ups. I have NEVER done that horrible My ankle decided to blow up and people were getting concerned because of how big it was swelling when the run portion came I remember being on 6/8 laps and my ankle just could not take it anymore I could not control myself from crying any longer because of the pain and I collapsed in the middle of the track and just didn't want to get up. I knew that I was done for and this was it especially with all the cuts they're doing from the army as is. I went back to the emergency TMC this time I had another doctor evaluate me and he literally felt like he was breaking my bones just doing the "routine" I accidentally ended up cursing him out through every routine because of all the pain. He told me that I had tendon damage, ligament damage, a severe case of shin splints, my hip alignment was off, something was wrong with my tibular bone and fibula and the rest he said in very long medical names that I just did not understand. BUT I STILL DIDN'T GET ANY MEDICATION OR A FRIGGING BRACE OR ANYTHING! Hello new white ace bandage, you're my best friend He said I needed to do physical therapy. 3 months and I MIGHT be walking again, I MIGHT get better, I MIGHT all these mights and never and answer. Ontop of this I also had a lot of personal stuff going on at home not knowing if my mom was going to die or not, and I can't stand her, she dropped me off and never came back for me when I was 11 years old and left me to someone I only saw on the weekends, but no one wants someone to be terminally ill. I dropped 4 sizes in a matter of 5 weeks doing nothing, I couldn't stomach anything from all this emotional pain, I began to act out towards my sergeants and those in my company, horrible insomnia that nights I don't even remember happening but good old Mullings would tell me I would be aimlessly up and about in the room from the time bed check was to 4am! and we get up at 4:30 ontop of many other things that were out of the norm for me . So, my class had a week left before it was done and over with I had to do the BS 2 miles there and back from the company to TSED , passed all my tests with 100's, even tore skin after skin after skin off my hands from a-hole generators and they decided that because of my injury I'm suddenly after 9 weeks DAY AFTER DAY OF BEING THERE, a hazard and that I can't be there anymore. You can imagine how that went. After having to hold all this pent up shit inside of me I had a panic attack later that day.. My sergeant wanted me to do something my face jerked violently because I all of the sudden couldn't breath and he thought I disrespected him and went on a trip and then he was like oh shit, threw me into the hallway by myself and I had a panic attack for over an hour straight . I had to go to behavioral health at Kenner and even they weren't understanding my frustration with everything and why I was acting out the way that I was acting out. I told them how do you think it feels carrying all this weight on your shoulders because you don't have parents to do anything for you, you don't have someone to help you with school, you don't have someone to help you with anything! Being in the army is your only ticket and then you get hurt, you get really hurt and it's not getting better it's getting worse! Knowing your entire class is graduating except for you because you're a hazard now? Not knowing when you might even walk normally again? IF you might?! How emotionally draining it is when you fall and you can't get off the fucking floor because you can't even feel your leg anymore. There was a bunch of other things more than mentioned. Physical therapy happened. more like didn't happen She would constantly put me through things that I couldn't do, I'd fall, I'd scream I'd get angry and toss something.. It once took me half an hour to stand up on a box not being allowed to hold onto anything because I physically could not move my leg.

Skip skip skip days days days hours hours hours October 2nd I was told go home. I went home. I came home. I came home to a bunch of negativity from vets in the famil asking what the hell I'm doing with myself now that I got kicked out (honorably) that I need to get a job and do something with my loser self, things like that. No one in your family understanding the emotional and mental pain you're going through, trying to understand but not really caring much about it, no jobs will hire you because they love you until you tell them you got discharged because of your injury yada yada yada fuckitall fuckitfuckitfuckitall .

^^ Pretty simplified version because I'm just not truly open to all that's happening and has happened, it's just not connecting because I'm still pretty numb from all of it. Perhaps one day a video might surface or something.

Issamay (c) Coulterix
Reference Used: kristiaadams.files.wordpress.c…

You may NOT copy, sell, heavily reference, trace, steal, put this artwork on your website/blog/dAaccount or use it in any other way without my written/spoken permission!

Please Respect My Art,