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DSShadowPyro ā Choices.
Published: 2015-02-20 19:08:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 197; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Bring me to this place, forsake me, degrade me, blame me for all the wrong in your life, that's right only I could have made us like this, I obviously have all the control the choices and the high road which you take mocking me, blocking me taunting me. Each word you stutter, repulses me. Rope me in with your mistrust, frustration I am full of disgust, sorry regurgitations you splutter, mistrial you the judge and jury, slamming gavels in a hurry.Rope me in, I give up the single lynch mob.
Comments: 2
This immediately strikes me as a form of beat poetry. Your use of 'forsake me, degrade me, blame me' is a fantastic tricolon, however a bit more variance in the rest of this passage would be great. The imagery of 'rope me in' is striking, however 'each word you stutter' to me seems bit incongruous. Perhaps change for 'spit', 'curse' - idk, you're the author e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/sā¦ " width="15" height="15" alt="
The tone is wonderfully defiant. I give you 4 stars for vision as I think this passage could be made even punchier and I sense you may know what to do. Visually, splitting it up at the end of every comma into free verse might make the pauses and the rhymes of 'judge and jury', 'gavels in a hurry' more apparent.
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Thank you for the insightful critique, I'll keep these kinds of things in mind for my next poem.
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