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Eastforth — Notes From the Watchmen
Published: 2015-10-28 17:50:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 9353; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Eastforth Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2014 Professional Artistawesome stuff!!
kylebjart Sep 25, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you very much and right back at ya
Eastforth Sep 26, 2014 Professional Artist
high fives! watch watching watchers! but who watches the watchmen??
kylebjart Sep 26, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I did watch the watchmen but they were just sippin' tea. Must've been a quiet night
Eastforth Sep 27, 2014 Professional Artist
I think we really need to push them to work harder. I'll try watching them tonight and let's see what happens.
kylebjart Sep 29, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Did anything happen? I looked this morning but the blue one had fallen asleep in his breakfast and the other one turned out to be a decoy. Where did they go?
Eastforth Sep 30, 2014 Professional Artist
I have to admit, I fell asleep too. Is anyone watching the watchmen right now??
kylebjart Oct 1, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I don't think so. This is worrying. Last time the watchmen were left unattended they took all the cushions off the sofa and made a fort. They got their sticky hands all over the nice new upholstery and the owl shaped one managed somehow to get jam on the ceiling.
Eastforth Oct 1, 2014 Professional Artist
hahahaha! I love this conversation. But I also want to remember the seriousness of the situation and I'm not hesitating at all to report that owl shaped one right now to the head office. He's done this sort of thing before and not just with jam!
kylebjart Oct 2, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'll tell you what. if he has been at the marmalade there is going to be trouble. Wait. You don't mean marmalade do you?
That's just sick.
Speaking of which: last night the posh ones big cat done a huge *leaving* outside my door. Not impressed at all. Who should be watching these people? They never said in the manual. It is a good job you showed up when you did.
Eastforth Oct 3, 2014 Professional Artist
Remember this is a team effort. When they think 'no one watches the watchmen' they usually get down right looney. We must be vigilant and--- oh! As I wrote this that one with the ink blot face mask just did a "leaving" outside someone's door. I really hope it wasn't your place they hit again. Seems as though it's not only the big cat that does this. Important safety tip!
kylebjart Oct 8, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
What a shame, I had words with that fella not so long ago about that very thing. He seems a troubled lad and I think that is his way of getting attention. From last nights observations I would say he is being bullied by the lady that runs around in a yellow swim suit. I would say I am angry, but it is just disappointing. Such a shame as if they just behaved we wouldn't have to watch the watchmen. What are they watching anyway? Are they watching the Watchers that document important moments in time? Do they know something we don't know?
*mind explodes*
Eastforth Oct 9, 2014 Professional Artist
I'm not sure what they are watching all the time but I heard it was just re-runs of 'Baywatch.' Another theory is that they are just watching their watches. I don't believe in either. Obviously it's something important or you and I wouldn't have been hired for this operation. Matter of fact, who hired us for this job anyways? Not that I'm complaining, it's just a big job and seems no one else is interested in watching the watchmen. I mean what happens if one of us asks for a sick day? I'm worried, my friend, deeply worried.
kylebjart Oct 9, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am not sure why we are watching the watchmen watch their watches nor have HQ advised on our healthcare plans or holidays. Perhaps if we set up some CCTV that will allow for some away time. I haven't eaten since we started and I have to admit to a stab of hunger. Maybe once Baywatch is done they will stop looking at their watches and start behaving themselves? They must just be fidgety because that show is dull. Owl shaped one slapped gun wielding psycho one. Noted it. Sent it to Boss. Whoever that is.
Eastforth Oct 11, 2014 Professional Artist
Oh dear lord. I just got a message from our boss. He said we're not taking our jobs seriously enough. He then went on for several paragraphs detailing at length why he hates Hollywood and how they raped 'From Hell' and 'League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.' Whatever that means. Finally he signed his message with this cryptic photo:
www.gregwilson.co.uk/wp-conten…
Should we be afraid?
kylebjart Oct 14, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
We have been working for a snake? I hope that bearded fella keeps feeding him because I don't need a vicious predator getting its murder face on when I am on observation duty. It explains the shed skin in my cereal though. Yeah I still ate it, but the shop was really far away and you can't take your eyes off em for a second.
Eastforth Oct 23, 2014 Professional Artist
Was watching The Watchmen and everything was normal, well normal for them anyways, when suddenly they all just stood up stock still for a second, and then simultaneously jumped and stuck to the ceiling. They're still there and haven't moved for the past hour. Should we notify the snake? Or Allan? Not sure what to do at this point...
kylebjart Oct 23, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
'I'm not stuck here with you, you are stuck here with me!' - All of them chanting after I tried to get them down with a broom. A protest perhaps? Is this because we took away the sharp objects? They should know it is for their own safety. I'll have a word with the snake. Allen is too scary. Y'know. Wizards.
Eastforth Oct 25, 2014 Professional Artist
So what did the snake say? I see no mention of him in your notes. Allan did drop by, looked through the telescope at the Watchmen (who are STILL hanging there btw), laughed maniacally for around 5 minutes, and then left, slamming the door VERY loudly on his exit. I think we should change location of our offices, these random audits are really playing hell with my nerves.
kylebjart Oct 28, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
'M' said we can use his office but I find it a bit scary. Every time I think I am alone I hear a 'heh heh heh' of laughter and quiet footsteps. Put down my coffee and it seemed to move on its own, drinking itself. Night shift sleep deprivation is enough especially babysitting the Watchman AND worrying about Allen.
Eastforth Nov 2, 2014 Professional Artist
I read 'Allen' as 'Alien'-- Which made me remember last year when we were aboard the Nostromo and watching the Alien. That was a crazy year. I guess that's why we got hired to watch the Watchmen. Ripley just called the other day in fact. She was asking abut you. Do you mind if I give her your number? I wonder if she'd be into helping us watch the Watchmen? We could definitely use the help. Or we could see if she could get one of her android pals to help out? Owl man has been in the toilet for over an hour now. Just noting it for our records.
kylebjart Nov 4, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ah the Nostromo! That brings back memories and makes me feel very old indeed. I heard they found that old rust bucket and stored it in Sevastopol Station. I was surprised as anyone else to hear that Ripley made it through okay. I am not sure I can give her my number, I still feel guilty that we never stepped in to help out. There needn't have been so much spilled blood/acid/whatever that white goo Bishop had going on.
It makes me think we have it easy now. All complaining aside, looking after the Xenomorph was a lot of work and keeping affect was costly, both literally and morally. I can't count the amount of times I got to work and found acid drool where my notepad once was. 'An alien disolved my reports with drool' was never a good enough excuse for the boss either. Still, at least we never had to land on Hadley's Hope. Never heard back from the folks on that Watcher team.
Eastforth Nov 5, 2014 Professional Artist
Oh yes! The acid drool. Those were tough times indeed. You are right, we should be happy with this new gig. Have you noticed the Watchmen have not been home for the last 12 hours or so? Is there some kind of concert going on or something? Their landlord has been up there twice and she's looking pretty angry. I do hear some loud music further down the street and somebody was shouting 'Rorshach in the house!' over and over again. Cause for concern?
kylebjart Nov 6, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I would not worry too much. If people are shouting 'Rorshach in the house' it is a probably a signal for security to remove him from the premises. He can be a bit of a downer on the party vibe. I went on recon and found out that they are mainly partying with themselves - Manhattan managed to clone himself so they feel more 'cool'. Ozymandias has started calling himself 'Ozzy' and eating bats. Hopefully just a phase.
Eastforth Nov 12, 2014 Professional Artist
Ok, looks like they're all settled in back in the apartment. Must have been a wild night for them. They're sleeping like babies. Except for 'Ozzy'- he's sitting in the corner still munching on a disturbing looking bat. Woop, strike that. Manhattan's clone is also awake. This guy might be a problem. Looks like he's relieving himself out the window. Advise you to bring an umbrella on your way upstairs today. Have you gotten paid yet? I'm still waiting on my check.
kylebjart Nov 14, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I haven't been paid either! The swines! I keep calling HR but it is just the usual Ministry HQ hold tone. As for Manhattan clone, you may be right. I saw him wiping his bum on the carpet like a dog. Cleaners were not happy. Almost as bad as the time Ozzy invited Hyde over and left chicken entrails in the rafters. We never did find the feet. Update, the comedian is picking his nose and wiping it on the back of Nite Owls special chair. Not cool. Not cool at all.
Eastforth Nov 18, 2014 Professional Artist
Oh man, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen are all over again. They must have heard you mention Hyde. Things are getting out of control fast. There's too much to report. I see they ordered pizza. Quartermain is drinking beer like it's water. It also looks like Dr. Manhattan is using his knee as a BBQ. Passing out skewers now. Kind of making me hungry, to be honest. Do these guys ever sleep? Good news, just got a msg from HR. They will be paying us at the end of this month but asking if they can pay us in pesos. What should I say?
kylebjart Nov 18, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I've just had a chat with Quartermain about substance abuse and this is how he behaves? He just replaces one habit with another! Remember that time where he just ate endless ham for weeks. He got meat sweats if he wasn't dosed properly. Pathetic really. It makes sense that they have crashed the place, I have noticed things moving about the office - thought I was going mad but must be the invisible man. Manhattan has fallen asleep and burned the sofa with his BBQ knee. That is why we can't have nice things.
No to Pesos. Will accept Skittles.
Eastforth Nov 24, 2014 Professional Artist
Watching the Watchmen today and it feels weird. Nothing's happened. I mean after the fire department and the BBQ knees, and the drinking, and the whatnots- totally nothing today. They had waffles for breakfast. Ham sammiches for lunch. And now it looks like that bumblebee colored girl is making some ravioli for dinner. Manhattan and his clone are both on the sofa reading the newspaper. It looks like Owly is just sitting there watching the paint dry. (?) Another message from HR: "No to skittles. How about Pringles?" Looks like they're playing hardball. Typical, I thought skittles were in our contracts? Anyhoos. I'm gonna go take a nap now.
kylebjart Nov 24, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Nothing to report here either. All quiet on the western front. I don't like it. It is like they are up to something. Bumblebee girl is still making ravioli, what is the deal with that? They are all standing around in a circle singing to the tune of frere jaqcues:
'Ravioli Ravioli
Yum Yum Yum
Yum Yum Yum
Going in my Tummy
Going in my Tummy
Out my Bum
Out My Bum'
Perhaps it is some kind of ritual?
Pringles are not a good substitute for Skittles. I reckon it is just because the Pringle/Skittle exchange rate will work in their favour. Cheapskates. Also Pringles are not legal tender in my local shop. Sad times
Eastforth Dec 4, 2014 Professional Artist
All quiet here. I'm a little nervous. This usually means something big is going to happen with this bunch. What insurance plan are you under? I'm still having problems with HRD. We signed a contract right? As if it's going to be that easy for them to replace us! Anyways, they said the check is in the mail. Still not certain if it's going to be in Pringles, or Skittles. Was talking to Jimbo from the Alien job and he said they paid him in Mentos. Not sure about how I feel about that... Watchmen all snoring as I write this...
kylebjart Dec 11, 2014 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh man, it all went wrong. You were right.
We aren't given annual leave and in protest over 'skittle-gate' I left my workstation for a week. I didn't tell you as I did not want to draw you in to the trouble.
Perhaps if I had told you first this may have all been avoided.
I came back down the street towards our watchtower to the sound of sirens and the smell of smoke.
I remember thinking, 'it can't be, they have been so good lately.'
As I rounded the corner I found what I knew in my heart to be already true.
Half of the breakout area is gone. A smokey crater with exhausted fire fighters surveying remains, looking for survivors.
'Hammy' Manhattans imaginatively named pet hamster didn't make it. A blue crackle suggests he has gone off to sulk on Mars. Again.
Rorshach is on the case, pouring over details trying to find how the fire started in the first place. He gruffly mutters about corrupt police investigators not be trustworthy. To be honest it remains to be proven if he is on our side and helping, or covering up his own misdemeanour's.
The Comedian, unwatched and unsupervised, sneaked through the open burnt out wall cavity and logged on to Twitter and started harassing high profile celebrities and politicians. It appears banning him from the internet has just compounded an explosion of filth and he has hit back hard.
The others haven't been seen in a while.
Apologies.
Eastforth Jan 3, 2015 Professional Artist
I rushed down to the crater after reading your message. I gotta tell you right now, whoever is pretending to be Manhattan, Hammy, Rosarch, and the Comedian-it's not true- they are ALL imposters. The real ones were in the crater in their room inside of their building. The only thing is...they've turned microscopic in size. I ran down to the crater and fell down on my knees, cradling my weeping head in my hands, when suddenly I noticed my knee hitting the side of their miniature building. I scooped it all into a petrie dish. It's sitting in front of me right now, but since I've got to use a magnifying glass to monitor them, it's been kind of difficult to say the least. Happy to report they celebrated a quiet xmas and new years at home though. Everyone got sweaters and socks for gifts. Apparently they don't seem to notice that they are 1/800th scale size. Was thinking about getting out the Warhammer toys and starting up a game? Please advise. Also, we'll have to negotiate a new pay rate with the head office given our subjects are now the size of my nose hair. Hope that doesn't mean smaller Skittles. Anyways, I haven't told anyone about you leaving your post. I'm sure you can start right back up again if you're interested. Well, just let me know what you think because I haven't slept in almost 30 days and could use your help.
kylebjart Jan 8, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Good work that man.
Following your report I have since isolated the mini-mansion with a clear mixing bowl and lined the perimeter with Space Marine figurines. I allowed myself some mirthful chuckle at the panic this caused. Too right after all the hassle they caused us. It is only a matter of time before they realise that the Marines are plastic but until I think we can breath easy.
I called the League of Extraordinary Gentleman re: the imposters. According to Nemo it was a mysterious 'M' behind it all. They seem to have a grip on it and advised they had their best folks on the job. I am uncertain as to whom the current line up is, but if it is anything like the Victorian Martian Invasion I am certain we are in good hands.
PS Rupert the bear popped round to deliver a message. I tolerated about 5mins of indistinguishable growling and shut the door in his face. I hate callers, I don't care how fancy their scarf is.
Eastforth Jan 13, 2015 Professional Artist
Rupert came back today and feeling the same way as you about callers, especially 'growler callers', I was about to shut the door when from behind him Pee Wee Herman jumped out. He was holding an uzi and laughing maniacally. While he was holding me at gun point Rupert grabbed the mixing bowl (and the marines- why would he do that?) and they both bolted down the street. Pee Wee shouted over his shoulder "Go ahead and Scream! We're miles away from where anyone can hear you!" and then they were gone.
I've spent the rest of the day playing Dr. Mario. I haven't phoned the head office or anything. I'm fed up with them. Who cares what happens to their precious Watchmen?! They don't pay us enough for this kind of BS. I think we should go 'rogue'. Thoughts?
kylebjart Jan 13, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I got halfway through applying makeup before I realised you said rouge and not rogue.
I told Pee Wee to get gone.
Gone was a the secret word.
He started shrieking and the furniture came alive.
I got the flame thrower.
He is gone now.
There is some roast meat in the fridge.
Don't eat it, it is for the hounds.
Kept the Uzi, behind the painting as agreed.
Head office has not been informed.
Rupert has been recruited to the cause.
Shaved him to look like a human and he is acting as a mole.
Should have asked moley and rat to do that really but they were out joy riding with toad.
Again.
Not looked under the wash bowl for a while.
Watchmen can look after themselves.
Today noone shall watch the watchmen.
Eastforth Jan 17, 2015 Professional Artist
Applied rouge and also picked us up some lovely angora sweaters from Ed Wood's house for us. While I was there I ran into Rowdy Roddy Piper and he gave me some new sunglasses. Fed the roast meat to the hounds, they're acting weird. Will keep an eye on them. Hah, funny thing happened about a half hour ago. Knock on the door and it was a bunch of Jehovah witnesses selling molasses cookies. Apparently they're following the Girl Scouts example. Bought a Baker's Dozen but as I was getting my change back I noticed one of them was blue. Not sure if it was Manhattan, a smurf, or one of those Avatar blokes, but am making a note of it. They said they'll be around again next Friday (if Jesus doesn't strike fire and damnation down on all of us in the meantime). So let's keep our eyes peeled. Left your bag of Skittles in the the fridge next to the Pee Wee meat.
kylebjart Jan 26, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Cheers for the angora sweater, it is needed. Heating failed. Tried flipping the breakers. No joy. Even fires of damnation would be welcome in this accursed chill. Boss shouldn't have gone with electric - too expensive too unreliable. Fridge is working fine. Not sure why you put skittles in there as they don't tend to go off, but that's cool I sprinkled some on the meat and made a sandwich.
Note to self: Don't eat raw meat. Too much work time spent on the can.
Update: Door rang. I turned off the lights and pretended not to be in.
Eastforth Jan 29, 2015 Professional Artist
Been messaging with Nikola Tesla and he said he'd come over and show us some ways to save on electricity. Said he needed to have lunch with his pigeon and then he'll be right over. Doesn't seem like there's much for us to do now that we're not Watching the Watchmen as dilligently as before. Started to look at the Want Ads and will occasionally flag some that I think fits our skill sets. That friend of ours from the Nostromo stopped over this morning and wanted to buy our uzi. I told him that it's a collector's item. He said he would trade us another collector's item: his Doberman Pincher. Told him I would discuss with you before the trade. I think we should go for it. Although I don't know what he (the dog) expects for wages. Will make an inquiry at the Head Office. Someone is screaming outside.
kylebjart Jan 29, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I ignored the screaming for as long as I could so I trudged out into the snow to see what the heck was going on. Looks like Nemo had twisted his ankle on the step after visiting you. Kinda feel bad for leaving him there for so long now, when I came in for the shift I thought it was just another lame cry for attention. I think he gets lonely when away from the boys on the Nautilus. I gave him the blanket and the nice chair by the fire and he is currently keeping the weight off and having a snooze.
Additionally the Doberman is just sitting and staring at me, one long strand of drool hanging down to its knees. Does it know about the PeeWee meat? Also: how did it get in here and where is the Uzi? Did you make the deal with Nostromo crew?
Glad Nikola made it over to sort out the electricity - although I would appreciate it if he could use the door like everyone else. The Portal is for emergencies only and the room is full of static which is making me jumpy and the Dobermans hair is standing on end. Do you know how to turn it off? There is an odd chanting coming from the other side and it is oddly hypnotic. Something about R'yleh fhtang or some other crap music the kids listen to nowdays.
Eastforth Feb 10, 2015 Professional Artist
Ok I'm back. I ended up going into Tesla's portal with the Tsattuhgoua chanting coming from it. Tesla wasn't answering, I had just had a bacon sandwich, so i figured what the heck. Note to self: DO NOT go into mysterious Tesla portals left in your living room without knowing what is on the other side . I don't want to say much about it, I really don't. Ok there were monkeys. And I found out where the Pee Wee meat was. Left the friggin uzi in the room. Really, REALLY, could have used that on my little trip. You know the oddest thing about the whole experience? Did you know Betty White wears men's pajamas? Don't really know how I feel about that. Also, can I just say right now to any gray aliens that may be listening: Anal Probes. NOT COOL. Anyways, I'm back. Tesla came over and turned the blasted thing off around 3pm. Eating another bacon sandwich now.
kylebjart Feb 25, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You left the Uzi with the PeeWee meat? I wish I could say that ended well. Lets just say the breakout area is currently in a state of perforation. That meat got all 'The Thing' and started replicating. I'm seriously not sure who we can trust at this point. All I can say is they really hate fire.
I had a mate that got a anal probe from a Grey before. They found a tumour and it saved their life. It might seem invasive but they are really just very concerned proctologists.
Tesla portal is crackling and... laughing? Do monkeys laugh? I won't ask what else you saw over there but it doesn't bode well. It's better than the chanting though, repetitive to say the least.
Eastforth Mar 23, 2015 Professional Artist
Just getting back to the hacienda now. Arnold Schwarzenegger and that girl from the 60s Batman show- Catwoman- showed up and we went for a drive. Had to get away from that portal. We had fish tacos and talked long into the night. We're gonna start a band. Not sure what it's going to be called, or what each of us will play, but pretty sure it's going to rule. We've made you into lead singer? Hope that's ok. We're going for a "Frank Sinatra meets Gwar" sound as Arnie puts it. Very swinging lounge singing with massive shredding guitars turned up to 11. It's going t be a good time. Please say yes. Do you own a Yeti? There's a note here that says "Pick up your Yeti before 8pm" not sure if that was for me or you. I used to have a sasquatch but lost him somewhere over the Bermuda Triangle back in the 80s. On your way over please pick up some Cap'n Crunch and some swiss cheese. Have a good idea for a sandwich.
kylebjart Mar 26, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hey mate. Cheers for inviting me part of the band. I have started to swill shards of glass and bleach to get the right tone of voice. Stings, but one must suffer for their art, no? Have you spoken to our receptionist? She is a Yeti, she just shaves so it might be hard to tell. I am sure she will be happy to earn some cash on tour and she is pretty buff so can carry around the amplification equipment. Couldn't find any Cap'n crunch at the store so I have gone with Sgt. Mastication, seems legit - I had to go through the portal to get it. Seems that the portals destination switches periodically, which suggests that someone somewhere has the controls.
It is unclear if it leads to other worlds in our dimension or if it is a doorway to alternate realities. Thought I saw someone like you in the portal-store queue but their hair was down to the ankles in pig tails. Might just be a coincidence.
Post Script: Could you please ask Catwoman to use the litter tray that we provided for her? It is causing the cleaner undue stress. She also needs to stop scratching the furniture.
Eastforth Apr 6, 2015 Professional Artist
Ok, have passed along the necessary messages to the correct parties. Not sure where Catwoman went after I told her, but I did notice a GIGANTIC hairball in your bedroom. Was that there already? Band practice last night went really well. Thanks again for joining. I particularly liked the glass/bleach effect- the audience loves singing with gushing blood, but yes, do be careful not to get too light headed.
Actually ended up going out with our Yeti receptionist/roadie after practice last night. She's strong, yet has a real vulnerability. The whiskers are going to be hard to get used to, but her feet! Wow. I must confess to a powerful foot fetish, and boy does she not disappoint on that score! Just wished we didn't go hiking last night. Already heard that National Geographic is going to do a special on all the footprints they found. It really makes her embarrassed, and I hate to see her like that. What can I say? Romance is budding.
She told me she's friends with a reptiliian and sees Nessie every summer. Let me know if you need any introductions? Though I know you're not having too hard a time meeting the women these days. Already heard a rumor about you and Mother Brain? Please tell me this is not true.
Ok, back to work. Found out that if I throw bowls of Sgt. Mastication at the portal, it continually warps me to the same exact place last week, while I was doing laundry and saw that old Chinese gentleman carrying that strange box with the mewling furry creature....
kylebjart Apr 7, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That darn cat... I have told her not to go in my room. I even locked the doors and placed a bit of paper in the doorway to see if anyone had broken and entered. Albeit the hairball nothing else seems to have been disturbed. How in the green hells did she manage to get in? It is clear that the hairball is a defiant statement but I will not rise to it. Although if she does do it again I might leave all the milk out in the sun and hide the litter box. (Which by the way is well over due for emptying - charming though she is, I do not want to have to look at that when eating my morning 'Choco Rocks')
Rehearsal was fun. Apologies I could only join via astral projection ( I give up with that bloody portal. Cursed thing doesn't exactly come with a manual) - but I know you are well aware how difficult it is for us both to have time away from the office. I reckon in true life circumstances the spraying gore effect will be even more visceral for our unsuspecting audience.
I am glad to hear you are getting on well with Susan our Yeti receptionist. Her feet our indeed a remarkable feat of bio-engineering. It is vital that the National Geographic do not get hold of her and harass her. It really effects herself esteem and was one of the main contributing factors of her choosing to leave Nepal. Whilst she respects the publication I think she mainly takes issues with the term 'Abominable Snowman' when she is neither abominable, nor a man. There are other reasons she does not wish to be published too: She might very well be the last of her kind, most of her family line were hunted by rich tourists and media exposure might place her in a vulnerable position. I trust you though and sure you will treat her well. Just don't let on that we have had this talk.
Whilst I am very happy with my girlfriend I am sure I have a couple of guys that may be back on the dating circuit so I will pass information on for Nessie and her reptillian friend - I forget her name. Was she the officer of the Illuminati I hear so much about from Ozymandeus? No matter, I am sure she would not say even if it were true.
Right. Mother Brain. If you see her tell her no. No. No. NO. She likes to spread rumours. She likes to think we are together. Or 'one' as she likes to state. Her incessant babbling is maddening and no matter how many times I block her on social media she always finds a way of tracking me down.
Best of luck with the next shift and with your date!
Eastforth Apr 21, 2015 Professional Artist
Ok my shift is about over. It's taken awhile to process the last several days, so apologies for not logging into the log book earlier. First off, sorry for the band breakup. I know it was my idea to film a Beatles'esque "Let it Be" rooftop film- I had no idea that it would be our last performance, that the police would show up, that Catwoman would plunge to her death, and that Susan our Yeti receptionist- and the love of my life, would try to infect everyone with Sasquatch Rabies as a "prank." Well, I'm sure you've read the interviews by now, so no use re-hashing that all out again. I just wanted YOU to know that none of what happened was my original intent.
But there are positives we can glean from the aftermath.
One: Catwoman still has 8 lives left (hoping she looks like a young Michelle Pfeiffer in her next one.)
B: Since getting the Yeti Rabies, my bald spot has completely disappeared. I don't know how your cranium fares, but I trust you will yield similar results.
Tres: Frank, the intern, is now a bonafide flesh eating zombie. (Not sure how that happened, was it the rabies or something else?)
And fourth" The bootleg or our final recording "Gizzards of Gore" has almost broken the internet.
Not bad for a band that had only one rehearsal (with you our lead singer practicing via astral projection.)
What next? Obviously our musical venture didn't work out as planned. But as I write this the idea for a MUSICAL based on our recent experiences does sound rather promising. Have a think and let me know your thoughts. I'm locking up the office now and heading out for a sandwich.
kylebjart Apr 23, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The fantastic side effect of Yeti rabies is that the police memories were erased after the incident. We had a close call and identities could have been exposed and dangerous for everyone involved. In many ways ending the band when we did was a blessing - we have a limited release and the fans we do have are clambering for the few physical vinyl’s that were pressed before the factory explosion. Some clever mites have already found the backward message left in the B-Side 'Ballad of the Disgruntled C-Bass'. Twitter wars still rage on the proper pronouncement on the proper lyrics.
We have contained Frank, who is slowly learning to adjust to his post deceased lifestyle. We have found that cattle flesh works just as well as humans. Just as well because our food replication unit [FRU] is on the blink and we all will be needing to bring packed lunches for a bit.
We were lucky that Doc Brown was in the area. He reported thusly:
[Great Scott! Yeti hairs can be ejected during stress and act as projectile spines used to disperse hunters and have a memory control agent that prevents hostile agents from tracking after discovery. The way I see it if you are going erase some ones memory, why not do it in style? The individual hairs are inhabited by tiny bacteria which manifest themselves within the victim’s blood stream! For most people they expire as they cannot survive in certain groups BUT for some unlucky individuals such as our friend Frank here they can in fact thrive and MULTIPLY. There is a slight possibility of overload: They have completely overtaken their host and set up shop. Frank is now not one but MANY. I am LEGION. I am outta time, I gotta go see you later future boy! See you last Saturday]
He left a note behind detailing Franks care:
-The bacterial hive will require protein at first. They will favour brains but this does not strictly have to be human, though preferable.
-He will need special care with hygiene and will have reduced motor function so should not operate heavy machinery or make legal decisions.
-Keep in mind that during this transition period he will regularly void his bowels and eventually all other internal organs apart from, his insides will then calcify allowing the bacteria better access to control limbs etc.
-Frank will be stronger than normal and have heightened senses. Testing on other victims has shown that the results can vary greatly some patients have developed advanced PSI amongst other varied talents.
The document rattles on like this for some time and I have to go. A ‘Mystery Wagon’ has pulled up outside and seems to be full of a bunch of pesky kids sticking their nose in where they don’t belong. I am going to put a mask on and run outside to try to scare them off. Take care and all the best to Catwoman and her speedy recovery.
PS tell her to stay out of my room, if she wants to borrow my stuff she can ask for it.
Eastforth May 11, 2015 Professional Artist
Calamity! After reading your last message, someone in the office got excited and stirred up trouble. Basically it stems from the misreading of the section containing the FRU. They read Food Replication Unit as Frozen Republican Unit! Before I could stop them they unfroze Nixon's brain, installed it in a 7 foot tall cybernetic war machine, and pointed him directly at Switzerland. (!) The Head Office was ready to summon you to the War Tribunal, until I pointed out the misreading. No worries! It's all been swept under the rug. I'm not entirely happy or secure with the situation though. For one, there's a gigantic cybernetic war crazed Nixon flying around out there and no one seems to care. Could really use your insight right now.
The rest of the office isn't doing half as well. A few nights ago Jenkins saw a meteorite heading towards our Plan 9 satellite over in Sector 7 and he's convinced the end of the world is nigh. I've taken the liberty to call Bill Nighy and see what he thinks. He hasn't returned my call. Last night, whilst in the copy room I noticed Jenkins in the far corner grunting and itching his armpits in a suggestive manner. Upon approaching him I suddenly realised he's turned completely into a suit and tie wearing chimpanzee. (Side note: notice how I retain the English spelling of "realised" and not the vulgar Americanized ((or American-ised??)) spelling of "realized"-- does this constitute a step in the next stage of enlightment?).
This morning I found out that almost everyone (saving Susan the Yeti and Frank the Zombie) have gone Full Chimpanzee. The meteor is directly outside of the window as I write this. Flaming comet trail and everything and it's getting bigger, someone just threw a banana at me, haha Jenkins, in fact----
kylebjart May 22, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am glad you survived the ‘meteor crash’. It appears we need to adjust our Sector 7 satellites to recognise the difference between large globs of mashed potato on the camera lenses and screaming punishing doom. Big difference. I am not sure what you saw out the window, but it was probably the men of the watch playing tricks again. Words will be had. Tell Jenkins that if the end was indeed nigh on account of asteroid strike then Plan 9, Sector 7 and Earth itself will be gone before we have a chance to intervene – thankfully we know for now we are safe.
Both Nighy and Ed Wood agree that the chimpanzee transformation has more to do with Jenkins tendency to steal from Franks snack drawer. As he is post-deceased the chemical composition of his gummy bears are slightly different and may have caused this unusual reaction. We should not be mean to Jenkins: He appears to be functioning fine at his job and I am pleased to hear he is still arriving in uniform. I believe he has suffered enough already without further repercussions
As for our other situation? Worry not. I say let the Nixon war machine run its course. Switzerland is tougher than it looks and a 7ft war mech is not exactly subtle. A work order has been sent out to the TBM*. Nixon has a disadvantage – his motivations are predictable and he is a recognisable character with a clear statement of intent. TBM will intercept him when he reaches the border and lock him down with the FROST cannon. I am making arrangements with Reed Richards to prepare an entrance to the Negative Zone. Let’s see how he gets on with Galactus as a roommate.
Have you heard from our yeti receptionist at all? She does not appear to have filed a time sheet for some time now. I am becoming concerned as I am unsure of what repercussions this chimpanzee transformation disease will have on sasquatch DNA.
*[Three Blind Mice, a clandestine rodent organisation specialising in covert special operations].
Eastforth Jun 19, 2015 Professional Artist
Ok, Jenkins and the FROST cannon have been recovered. Jenkins is back in his cubicle and things are back to 'normal.' We gave him a slab of Susan to placate him, and he seems to be attacking his data entry position with vigor. Jesus. Three weeks in the desert, half of the population of Salt Lake City zombified, and a really bad cramp in my left calf muscle-- a small price to pay to get Jenkins back. And the FROST cannon? You were right. It worked well enough on Nixon, and the TBM handled the situation nicely but who could have foreseen Jenkins' rage attack. Was it because I left that stack of Nicolas Cage movies near his desk? Has he been doing nothing but watch Cage movies for several days on end? Was this how the Cage Rage started? All of these questions shall remain unanswered. And I believe that may be for the best...
Our Yeti receptionist is gone. Just plain gone. I've got a private investigator after her-- she was seen somewhere in Florida last week, but then again, this is Florida we're talking about, so I'm not putting any hope in that avenue. I know your feelings about her- so I'm trying to remain as business minded as possible. I'm in tears over here too, believe me. Do you know how hard it is going to be to find another Yeti?? Especially one that answers phones? Again, I won't linger here.
How has your summer vacation been going? Murphy said something about your run in with the Mormon Assassins. I was wondering if it had anything to do with Jenkins and the Salt Lake City incident? Remember, there's several people in the office who want those shrunken heads you mentioned. I am one of them.
Will be conducting an interview with a fresh faced new applicant for the 'cleaning Jenkins' cubicle' position. It's starting to smell a little ripe over there.
WE NEED MORE INTERNS.
kylebjart Jul 6, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for returning the FROST cannon in a timely manner. Last time we lent it out some kid found it and robbed a number of banks. The PR fallout was terrible and I still can’t withdraw from some International banks.
I have assigned three interns to Jenkins’ cubicle. His marsupial habits are causing unprecedented amounts of mess for them to clear. He was caught throwing his own poop. I had to question his sanity as he was saying that he needed ‘his little brown eggs to leave the nest’ and that he was a ‘proud mumma bird’. We may need to bring this up during his quarterly review. I know we can’t discriminate him in his trans-humanist state but it is making the Watchmen feel uncomfortable – if it is upsetting Rorschach we KNOW there is a real problem.
I try not to think about the Yeti receptionist any more. Every now and then I find clump of hair tangled in the phones headset and I choke up a bit. She will be missed but I am sure she will be enjoying Florida and no doubt visiting Disney Land. A fact that I will be eternally jealous of. As you may have gathered, this feeling of bitterness is in part due to the absence of a receptionist – I have been covering the desk and I never realised just how much work they did for us. There is a frequent heavy breather that sounds suspiciously like Manhattan. The phone number is unknown and seems to be the Mars area code.
I am sorry you had to hear about the Mormon Assassins, I didn't want to interrupt your break. (Was it in the Other World again? How was Pinhead? Still up to the old tricks?) The assassins turned out to be rather polite, they explained their position, that the Salt Lake City Emperor had paid for vengeance and couldn't be seen as weak. However being Mormons the Assassins rung the doorbell and I told them that no one was in. After that they left and haven’t seen them since.
I trust you are well and have been keeping your extremities away from the nuclear reactor as it can make limbs turn a funny colour.
EastforthAug 6, 2015 Professional Artist
Great Cthulhu! Has it been almost a month since my last missive? Well, The Other World was indeed a good time, many thanks. Pinhead was a real mess though. I stopped hanging out with him around Hellraiser 3, not even knowing he was still making sequels. I think he's up to a Baker's Dozen of Hellraiser films now with no end in sight. Of course it's all gone to his Head. That inflated Ego just can't be popped, not even by a ...PIN. I apologize for that. A bit loopy over here. The Pizza. The Pizza. It was ALL in the Pizza. I'm trying to remain calm but you know how once your mind fixates on something, well then thoughts keep spinning and spinning. I figured out who ran off with your Yeti girlfriend. Are you ready? Grant Morrison. It's just another stab in the Alan Moore Wars. Will it never end??
So. On to the disembodied Brains in the office. Or should I say "Angry Floating Disembodied Brains" ? That's what they said they prefer to be called. I really don't know what to do with them. It would be alright if they didn't float, but man. It's getting really annoying bumping into them on the way to my morning coffee. And the constant giggling. How do brains giggle? They don't even have lungs! Vocal cords! It boggles the mind. Try to ignore them. Try to ignore them.
Am going to leave the Reactor on for you. Remember though, a Nuclear Reactor is NOT a toilet. Let's try to avoid any repeats of that episode. I salute you!
kylebjart Aug 17, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Glad to hear that your journey to The OtherWorld was a pleasant one. Don’t be too hard on Pinhead – the over inflated ego brain is all on the surface, underneath it is all hurt as he isn’t as close to the limelight as the jolly old 1980’s. It seems strange that he is so used to gaining pleasure from inflicting immense pain on ‘sinners’ and yet it is pride and simply not being acknowledged in the street that is his true weakness. True story: I once forgot to say hi to him when on the way out of the office and completely preoccupied. He cried for weeks whilst never returning my calls. We managed to hug it out in the end. That is how got the huge scar over my ear.
The Pizza. The Pizza. It Was all in the Pizza. I know what you mean, the OtherWorld chefs use psilocybin mushrooms for their recipes. It is supposed to enhance the experience of the flavour – but when you are already in a kingdom of ancient gods and fae-folk how much weirder do you need to get? But hey, I bet it has created some stories to tell the grandkids eh?
Grant Morrison? Again? Surely he should know that we are a neutral party in this battle. I find this hard to forgive and highly unfair. I would march over and tell him how I feel but I know he is hanging out with the Doom Patrol and they are just way too damn weird and creepy for my liking. Even in this line of work.
I am trying to ignore the brains but they keep bouncing off the keyboard, that makes this report extremely hard to write. They appear to be of a hive mind sort and communicate by some kind of wi-fi madness so the giggling gets right into the psyche. It would be okay if they would share what the joke is – but instead I just feel this creeping suspicion that this is some portent of doom. DOOM I SAY. Ahem. Sorry
Thank you for leaving the reactor active – I appreciate it. It has been getting cold even though it is summer. Miserable times. I couldn’t resist though, I had to pee into the nuclear swirl – I just love how it makes little rainbow swirls. That is all that happened. Nothing else. Honest.
Okay who am I kidding. My mate Alec Holland came over and we started lobbing stuff in there – whatever we can find really. We threw in a duck and a tricycle and out came an awesome hybrid of the two – Jenkins bloody loves it and feeds it every day. Honestly I think it might help him stop throwing poop about the place. Notice how much less stinky the office is? Duckcycle.
It went a bit pete tong after that though. We threw the office peace lily in there too – but then Alec fell. He vanished for a bit, and I swear the reactor burped. For about half hour of desperate grasping and fishing for his body all hope was lost. It was then a hand emerged from the ooze. The a face. That face. That thing. Like a swamp beast but not of this earth. It’s eyes. They were the eyes of Holland. I know you warned me not to play around and I didn’t listen. I can only beg forgiveness.
Eastforth Sep 19, 2015 Professional Artist
Imagine my surprise coming into an empty office and that swirling, pee-smelling, nuclear portal emitting sparks and all kinds of weird noises? Luckily I saw your note and put two and two together. What? Go in there and rescue you and Holland? Haha, sorry, but you know that's not in our job description. Perhaps if we can make it to the next pay bracket I might consider it, but then you know, there's all this work piling up and two less people to do it. Honestly, the office is kind of mad at you guys. They've taken to calling it your "Nuclear Holiday." In fact at yesterday's 5 o'clock meeting Jenkins and his Duckcycle had some pretty funny things to say about you guys. Of course we couldn't understand most of it, mumbling duck noises and ape screeches, but we got the general gist. Also, it was hard to make out what they were saying due to the screaming and moaning coming out of the nuclear swirl- I swear we need to use the corner office for our meetings but to this day no one will listen to me. They're all afraid of that quiet guy in the black cloak who only leaves once a day and comes back with strangely red fingers and a load of a mess for Cecille the cleaning lady. But you know all this, I'm rambling. Anyways, a bunch of us have rigged a device to hold this missive and are now strapping it on Jenkin's back. He's insisting on riding the Duckcycle into the Gateway and with any luck should be delivering it to you momentarily. Please consider bringing a souvenir back at least for Hilda (our new large female Viking front desk greeter, you know how she feels about you.) And we are all excited to hear about your adventures "over there." A friendly, hearty, hand shake to you both.
kylebjart Oct 12, 2015 Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Jenkins arrived shortly after we plopped through. I think time acts differently. He appears to be enjoying himself immensely. The environment is perfect for pulling ‘a sick 180’ (his words) and he nearly broke his leg trying to do a ‘indie nosebone’. Both he and the duckcycle are inseparable. They appear to have developed a language to communicate between each other. It is a mixture of quack and click. It is more irritating than impressive.
I am aware of the hypocrisy of the following request, but could you please ask the office to stop throwing stuff through the portal? We are getting bombarded by Hildas toe clippings – I believe they may be the source of the giggling you are hearing during the meetings in the corner office.
Don’t worry about the dude in the black cloak, I don’t think he means any harm. To our lot anyway. I hope the red stuff is just jam, but even if it isn’t he has never showed any sign of aggression to our staff. Cecille the cleaner will just have to deal with it for now. I hear she has started a night course on forensics so perhaps she can see it as a private homework project.
The second moon is about to eclipse the blue sun so I better –Kkkkkkzzzzzzt – off – kkkkssszzzzzzttttt- sign – kkkkkkkZZZZzzzztttt – Soon.
