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Emma-Hyde — Post Secret: Razor
Published: 2010-08-02 08:40:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 4405; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 1586
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My Secret, well one of them.Judge me not because my skeletons maybe yours as well. I just have the courage to kick it out of my closet.
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Comments: 43
Well said, brave girl. Funny how some of us cope with internal pain by inflicting it in the physical realm. I think sometimes that those who self-injure are lashing out at themselves in an effort not to take it out on others. A perverse nobility in that destructive, awful habit. :/ The lie is that you have to go it alone. It festers in darkness, and bringing it into the light breaks a lot of it's hold. Let trustworthy people in to hold you accountable, hun.
May I recommend this piece to one of the TWLOHA clubs?
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It was partly an effort not to lash out at others because it was "bad" to be mad at someone. One part effort, one part punishment. Very perverse indeed. It's hard for me to tell the people but I'm working on it. It's just once bitten twice as likely to pull out a gun when startled sort of a thing.
Sure if you'd like to
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Thanks.
And nah, it's not bad to be mad. Anger isn't the same as hate. Anger runs it's course. Just blow off steam with something physical that's more constructive. I suggest channeling the frustration and force of personality into a martial arts class. Many of the colleges have clubs you can join for very cheap, even if you aren't attending. There is that element of physical pain and release, but it's all constructive, leaving behind bodily improvement rather than permanent damage.
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You're welcome. I use to do martial arts so normally put on some loud music and push myself through the motions until Im too tired to feel anything.
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Well Em, every addiction, or obsession, CAN be controlled. Some of us need help to maintain control. I always tell my friends who want me to quit smoking that I need them to go camping with me in a primitive area far away from everything for three days. I would give them my money to hide. I would give them my car keys (not to be hidden in case of emergency). Only if I can't get to them, or buy them will I have a chance to quit. My friends can't or won't do as I need them to do to help me. What is it that you need to keep you from cutting? If your friends understand the addiction/ obsession, they will understand that the road to staying clean has it's potholes, and be willing to help you. Be honest with your trusted friends. Ask them for their help.
Em I know cutting is different from smoking so I need to ask: If you cut one time, would it be over? Could you then start over being clean? I know you aren't trying to inflict huge injury on yourself, so I don't fear that you are going to really seriously hurt yourself. Is there no way to distract yourself away from cutting by doing something in its place? Knowing this, how is cutting different from people getting deliberately punctured thousands of times to get a tattoo? Multiple tats because they have to? How is it different from another art form known as scarification? I ask because these people and others don't see anything wrong with these forms of self abuse - they aren't "crazy". What is it that makes this type of self abuse "bad"?
And by the way - AWESOME artwork!! It's very powerful.
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I've got a promise that's what's keeping me from doing it. The friend who made me promise got me a friendship ring as a way to remind me of it so every time she sees me, I wear it to show her that I am okay. But it's hard to keep it. If I started again, I wouldn't be able to stop. I know myself to know that I'll talk to myself in one more time after this is suppose to be the last time. I'm not sure how to tell them that umm guess what I'm going off the deep end again, a little help.
I journal, I write, I do photography, I do a hundred other things instead of cutting but the craving is always in the back of my mind.
Cutting is different, cutting can kill yourself, its like a drug. You get addicted to the release and it takes more and more to get it each time. That's what makes this type of self abuse bad. You keep going until you feel better and sometimes feeling better is feeling dead.
I found the photo online. I don't know whose it is. I typed razors into google...so yeah
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I love people who keep their word, even when it hurts. Do you have any idea of the value that that has?
I see what you are saying about not being able to stop if you start again. I don't hardly ever drink alcohol because of my smoking. I don't need to be screwed up on the booze too. It worries me that that could happen.
A friend of mine who used to cut (Eko) gets a new ring for every year she stays clean. So far, five. I have seen the look in her eyes as she happened upon a safety pin (her choice for cutting) so I don't think that it ever totally goes away. But she has taken control. She picked up the pin and put it away.
I would be happy to start you on a similar tradition as Eko's, if you'd like to do it. I would like to get you a friendship ring when you make it a year being clean. I think you can make it. I'm putting the approximate date in my calendar now to remind me. Make it a new goal, Em. Make it a year. I love talking with you about things and don't want you to hurt yourself. You are so far away it would be near impossible for me to do much more. I do consider you to be a friend. Please just keep trying.
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If I'm living on my own by the time I make it to a year I will go and get myself a cartilage piercing as a way to celebrate. A friend of mine suggested that I do something for myself when I reach a six months, a year, etc. Its hard to look at the objects I used when I had a bad day (glass, safety pin, corkscrew, razor, scissors, thumb tacks, and knives)but I don't think they ever go away either.
And yeah, I stay away from alcohol. Angry drunks run in my family. And yeah I'd like that. The friendship ring thing
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Actually I'm a happy kind of drunk when I get there. But I worry that I will like it too much and not stop when I should.
Ok is that "cartilage piercing" thing code for getting your nose pierced? I like the idea of a personal celebration for attaining a goal.
I hope you can get out on your own. It won't exactly be easy, but there may be fewer people pulling on your thoughts and such. It could be a really good thing for you.
Ok Em! It's a deal. You make it a year and I will get you started celebrating years of being clean with a friendship ring. I will be proud of you when you make it. Just as I am proud that you have made 7 months. And you know that if there is stuff you want to talk about in private you can send a note.
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No its code for cartilage ear piercing 
(Thank you Bob 
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Oh, good. I was hoping it was meant for your ears and not your nose. You would look good with multiple ear piercings if they are placed well. You will have to picture that when it's done.
(Lucy, we know that Em wants to live and emerge from her darkness. She fights so hard. We need to help her win the battle and the war. I know I can count on you to do your part. I only wish I could do more, but I'm so far away. She is special and when she gets through this she will shine so brightly. I just know. You two can write me anytime.)
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Nope not my nose, I wanted a nose piercing awhile back but I changed my mind. But I'll do a photo when I get it. I just have to convenience my parents to let me and still stay under their roof... :sigh:
( I know, I fight for her as much as I can but sometimes it isn't enough. Thank you for helping her and I know she'll be amazing when this is all done
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There are always trade offs when dependent on others for so much, Em. There will be plenty of time later to do the things you can't do right now. I'm glad you changed your own mind. I will admit though that I do like the little diamond stud piercing in the side of the nose on almost any woman. It just adds a little something. I don't particularly like the barbells and such hanging out of the nose of anyone. Sorry. Just my taste.
(I know you do all you can. But she already is amazing. She is stronger than she knows. And she is a fighter. We just have to help her fight the right battles, eh Lucy)
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I like the little studs too but not the bar bells and all that. Some women can pull them off I'm not one of them.
(Yeah she is amazing but she'll shine brighter when this is all over
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I know you're a fellow bookie, so here.
Something you may want to read is a nonfiction book called "A Bright Red Scream" by Marilee Strong. It's stories from 50+ people she interviewed who self-harm, most by cutting. Another one you may like/want to read is "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" by Steven Levenkron. Nonfiction again, but hey.
I have tons of resources from the psych ward, if you have anything you want to ask or know, or want to talk, you know where I am.
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Yeah considering going back into therapy to deal with all this. Problem is getting the money to do it. And I'll check them out. Thanks
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I've been through the same thing.
I'm also about the same amount of time clean.
It hurts.
Kind of a good hurt,
but it still hurts to do.
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Yeah I know. It's just hard to tell my friends "Hey, guess what you know how I've been saying I'm fine. Yeah, about that, I've been craving almost everyday." I don't want to hurt them but its time to come clean i think, I'm just afraid how they will react.
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I know.
Try to reassure them things - like that you won't do it anymore, though you want to. Even if you end up breaking the promise, it helps at first a little. And if they are true friends, they'll still support you and try to help you no matter what.
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Yeah I know. One of my friends freaked out the other day that I was wearing long sleeves. It's summer here in good old CA. I promised her I wasn't but I couldn't tell her I wanted to.
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Yeah, I know. I'm in Cali too- but I live near the beach with plenty of fog so it's easy not to look suspicious.
I know what you mean though-
once I told my friends I was sad and they held my arms down so that I couldn't do anything. It was pretty dramatic.
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Oh Lord, mine have never gone that far. The worst was when my dad found out I was doing it again and he questioned me/threatened to throw me in the pysch ward. Don't remember much of it but I remember that part. Yeah I don't live near the beach, I live about three hours away from Tahoe so it gets hot here.
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Ahhh, I've been around places like that... And I think around there, actually. Which town/city? Oui, it's horribly hot.
My parents have never found out. I've always lied about it if they come close. Once I cut a pattern of a heart on my leg - my mother saw it and she asked what it was. I told her my friend tried to give me a tattoo. I'd rather be thought of as an untrustable wild-child in her eyes than a cutter.
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It's a suburb outside of Sacramento, Citrus Hights area. You are luck that they never found out my dear
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I've been kinda close by.
I know I am lucky.
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Santa Cruz, California.
It's an hour away from San Fransisco.
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congrats on staying clear of such a nasty habit for so long! addictions are always so hard to cut out...
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No kidding. This is my six time being clean for this long. I made it a year and a half once...I don't want others to know that I'm struggling but I have a feeling they have a right to know.
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agreed. they can't help if they have no idea.
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Yeah, I know, its just hard to admit to them.
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yeah, it always is... feels like you're exposing a weakness... but you've gotta suck it up n bear in mind that they're your friends, and i'm sure to most of them, helping you is far bigger a priority than judging you.
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Yeah, I'm meeting with one soon. This is one of the things I have to tell her and im just praying I can get the rest out.
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good luck w/ all that... i'm here if you ever wanna talk.
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I used to cut myself so much... I'd even "draw", which was me stabbing my arm with a pen hard enough to see ink and blood.
I've since stopped, but... some scars are still there.
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I've got scars all over my arms. This is my sixth time getting clean...my arms are littered in scars.
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If it's your 6th time, then you aren't clean.
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No no, I'm seven months clean. This is my sixth time stopping.
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Okay.
Let's hope you stay clean!
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Yeah that's my hope and prayer.
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