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emptyechoes — Audio
Published: 2004-05-01 04:16:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 90; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 7
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Description
I like to taste my wordsBefore they drip
Off the end of my tongue
To roll them in my mouth
Carefully probing
But you
You with your feral scent
And sheltered eyes
Can't seem to rid yourself
Of them fast enough.
They spew
Like agitated soda
of a generic variety -
So angry, so sullen
(So common
So cheap.)
And all I want
is the capability
to calm your stormy moods;
appease the angst,
the hunger -
before your carbonation is gone
and you trickle to the ground,
flat and empty -
another tasteless stain.
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Comments: 6
I really hate the last four lines. The soda analogy I find to be quite annoying, and I think it robs this poem of a lot. The first mention of it is good enough to compliment the poem, but the last four lines seem incongruous and just ... out of place. The rest of the poem is quite elegant and the last few lines slap me in the face as being amateurish and ... I don't really know, I just don't like them. They marr what would otherwise be a beautifully stunning poem.
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Perhaps because this is an edited poem. The first part was written a few days ago, I added the last part on very late at night. I like the soda analogy, but I agree, the last four lines need some work. Hrm. I'll work on it. Thanks for the comment.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i enjoyed the way you put a common thought into a longer more verbose form
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This is one of my most favouritest of your poems. It's just all around good and it flows very well.
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