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esotericdivinity — Wind
Published: 2007-01-11 01:56:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 99; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description Here lies a boy
Contemplating questions to which
He can find no answers
Until passerby upset his thoughts
So he begins to stand

Here stands a boy
Unsure of what the world presents
Confused by the confusion
Even when everyone else tells him
That everything makes perfect sense

Here walks a boy
Trying to do as others do
Walking with a strut, a gait, a dance
But unable to find familiarity
He sits to rest his troubled being

Here sits a boy
Tired of tiring in the world around him
Working through everyday
Without progress in the fog
The fog which hazes his vision of judgment
And chokes down a reality he only dreams was true

Here stares a boy
Unfocused and blind in the heat of day
As sunlight beats down
It creates hallucinations, visions of things to distract
All the busy bee workers from the precious hive
And the boy merely observes with eyes unwavering

Here wanders a boy
Trudging from place to place
Incapable of placing black from white
And as he tries to reshuffle his mind
A realization of despair
Places a blur across every line he knows

Here cries a boy
Desperate for truth and tired of hope
He is angry at the world
At the harsh, complicated puzzle of a world
And then from afar, a favonian breeze comes
It quells him so and soothes his mind

Here smiles a boy
Not sure of the world but ready to learn
Continuing to doubt but waiting to believe
For in this crazy, bitter, incomprehensible world
He has found a treasure, an aloe, a breath
In the wind which he calls familiar
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Comments: 5

noxic [2007-01-19 12:28:03 +0000 UTC]

I dunno, when I think about the wind, I think about something just as chaotic as the boy sees the world. Ever changing, and ever present.


Some of the stanza endings lead into the next stanza, but some do not. I didn't know if you wanted that to be a constant in your piece.

1 leads into 2
3 leads into 4

Unless you are asking to the reader to make that jump each stanza . . . but if you hand it to them some places . . . I just think you should try to make it uniform, since the rest of the structure is uniform.

Again, a kind of incongruity, sometimes the first line of each stanza directs the stanza in its imagery, and sometimes it does not. I think the poem would be more interesting, if the first line tied in with the rest of the stanza.

In 3 you have him walking and you mention a strut and gait (good imagery together)
but in 1 and 2, the stanza has nothing to do with lying down, or standing . . . unless I missed something . . . 5 and 6 connect, and some of the others may as well, but not as directly.

I like the idea and everything fits together . . . and especially going from movement of the body, strenuous, to emotion with crying, and then smiling is a good transition to show the change in the character.
Good job.

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esotericdivinity In reply to noxic [2007-01-21 20:07:31 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the comment. As for the number of stanzas thing-- I realized the problem after I had submitted it. Thanks a lot for the input.

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esotericdivinity In reply to noxic [2007-01-21 20:07:07 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the comment. As for the number of stanzas thing-- I realized the problem after I had submitted it. Thanks a lot for the input.

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esotericdivinity [2007-01-12 01:10:50 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much.

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Jyueru [2007-01-12 01:06:01 +0000 UTC]

I love this a lot. I'm favoriting this

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