ilyilaice [2013-08-30 08:45:17 +0000 UTC]

1. The voice didn't seem childish. I can't really get the character of the person speaking just from this, other than he or she is perhaps an unreliable narrator? Or something? Someone who lacks self-control.

2. I love the descriptions. A lot. I'd normally imagine mermaids as beautiful, childlike, and dreamlike, like the perpetually singing, clueless Ariel in The Little Mermaid, but this mermaid has another story - she seems feral and exotic and abused by mankind. That's the impression I got, but I confess I don't think I understood the story entirely, so I wasn't quite sure what to make of the ending. Did the narrator kill her? Sexually abuse her? I'm kind of lost. Sorry.

3. Nope, not repetitive. It's concise, and I like it that way.

4. I don't have any real critique on grammar. But as a small note, the second sentence violates the rule of parallelism. I guess you can consider rephrasing it, as in: "She was small and fragile, and her ribs gaped in gills that fluttered uselessly in the open air." And though I loved the gritty description of the mermaid, I somehow felt like this was phrased in an awkward way: "Long, curved, nails told me of her last dinner still snagged between her soft flesh and the protruding claw."

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amrgalal7 [2013-08-10 13:56:16 +0000 UTC]

1- Neither really. I found it more like as if he was sympathetic for her.  It was rather full of emotions and regret. 

2- Yeah, it did flow. The sequence started with the sea (The dock being their), followed by the net , and the sand being the finish line. The  description was amazing, I can't imagine it without it. So no, they didn't interrupt.

3- No. I didn't see any repetition. I quite enjoyed the detailed description of the mermaid.

4- None.

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ForTheLoveOfSound [2013-08-06 15:10:22 +0000 UTC]

1. I didn't find the character childish at all, I actually found the voice masculine and dazed or lovestruck. 

2. "Huge black eyes, blind in the sunlight, flirted meaninglessly around the underside of the pier." I love, love, love this line, it's gorgeous. The piece flows very well in it's description, and it wasn't as if you were describing her movements, I've always found that it's much more difficult to describe appearance with uniformity- this does a pretty good job. But, it'd be more fluid if you'd added 'her' to the second last line, just to make it seem more personal. 

3. I loved the repetitive 'told', it kind of felt like the fisherman and the mermaid were saying nothing and everything all at once. 

4. "Long, curved, nails told me of her last dinner; still snagged between her soft flesh and the protruding claw." I don't really know why, but the line sort of freaked me out a little, even though I'm sure it is actually grammatically correct as you had written it, for some reason I felt like it should be there.

This is such a beautiful story told in very few words, congratulations on your talent

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elthereia [2013-07-27 18:45:53 +0000 UTC]

Hello! Your beautiful work has been featured here

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alphabetsoup314 [2013-07-23 15:27:44 +0000 UTC]

1. How did you find the 'voice' of the character? Was it too childish or laboured?

No, I don't think it was childish at all. The way the speaker describes the mermaid and reasons out what she's like shows some maturity in the speaker. Aside from that, I can't say a whole lot else about the speaker character. I am not sure if this was what you were aiming for, wanting to focus on the mermaid rather than the speaker, in which case, mission accomplished. It was a very vivid description. 

2. Did the whole piece flow from start to finish? I am concerned about the lines of description near the end. Do they interrupt?

I'm not sure what you mean by 'Do they interrupt'. But I don't think the lines near the end hurt the 'flow'. The only thing you could do would be to put 'Her' at the beginning of certain sentences, but that may or may not be the effect you were aiming for. 

3. Was it too repetitive?

There was the section in the middle with the "A ___ told me that she ___" sentences that could be considered repetitive, but it is in the middle of other passages that don't follow as much of a pattern, so I didn't notice it on my first read through. 

I think the part with "I told her that ___" needed the repetition. It enforces this feeling of wanting so much to get something across, but it being meaningless. 

4. Any spelling and/or grammar mistakes?

None that I can see. I will leave that to the hardcore grammar nazis. 

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Starija [2013-07-23 10:56:00 +0000 UTC]

awww, i rather enjoyed reading this piece. i literally don't think you need any improvement or constructive feedback on this at all. but no, it didn't sound too repetitive or contained any mistakes.

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wordmincer [2013-07-23 04:14:10 +0000 UTC]

It's refreshing how you take a creature that's usually more like a siren and make her more like a fish...counterintuitvely, it adds depth...like the truth of her situation is found more in the zoomorphizing than the anthropomorphizing. It reminds me a little of the animals in Lfe of Pi. Nice writing!

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Zamidge [2013-07-23 04:05:55 +0000 UTC]

It's difficult to tell a whole story in just a few lines, and still retain the interest of the reader. You seem to have pulled that off with this story. The description of the mermaid is near-perfect, if I am any judge. The mentioning of the scars especially makes the mermaid seem more real, reassuring the reader that this character has a history, their own personal life story.

I think this one will go on my favourites. Thanks for the interesting story.

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WhiteHeartFlame [2013-07-23 03:46:52 +0000 UTC]

I liked this very much.    Very creative, though kind of sad.  I liked how you described the mermaid.  

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tassadar102 [2013-07-23 03:45:44 +0000 UTC]

I quite enjoyed reading this piece. I find it a little hard to put into words but I'd have to say that the introduction grabbed me just enough that the rest of it got me invested in the mermaid. You details you gave helped me envision the mermaid and the end brought a close to it all. For how short this piece is it's miraculous how involved you managed to get me. You've done something awesome here.

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