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"Before you even say anything, here is a hundred pieces. You let me stay and they're all yours. I just....I just need a drink. A real drink! Please, its been a long day and nowhere else lets me in! I promise I won't make trouble and I will make sure they don't either. Thank you, kind sir, thank you so much. I am at wits end here and need something strong to keep me sane. I will have two steins of your strongest stuff, and also a plate of chicken gizzards and any other junk meat you got. Organs, cartilage, whatever you got, they ain't picky. Here's your coin for that, and you can keep the change if you are willing to hear me vent. Ah, you barkeeps are a godsend! You hear our woes and grant the cure. Bottoms up to that!"

"Ah! Just what I needed! You would not believe what I got to put up with! This little...well, I guess it will make more sense to you if I start at the beginning. Should be pretty obvious that I am sort of a magic fellow. Was always interested in it at a young age, thought it was the greatest stuff in the world. I dreamed of shooting hellfire from my hands, lifting houses with my mind and flying with nothing more than a word. So when I was shown to have a knack for the magics and whatnot, I was ecstatic. When I learned what magic really was, that kind of killed the mood. Dusty books and ancient scrolls, all bound by a mountain of rules and laws. You can't do this without having that, you aren't allowed to cast until your level thirty whatever and no spells during off hours! And when we were allowed to use magic, it was the lamest stuff imaginable! Learn to lift a quill! Learn to sprout a seed! Make something change color! What a bore! I was ready to leave it all when I found a group who shared my misery. They hated all the paperwork and fancy doodads, and sought to get their hands on real magic. The second I heard that, I was all about it. Long story short, I wound up joining a group of warlocks and took up their lifestyle. At the time, I didn't regret it at all. I finally got to use some real deal magic, and do all the things those stuffy mages said were 'primitive' and 'uncouth.' Bunch of snobs, they turn their noses up at using sacrifices and blood magic, but then are totally fine with imprisoning someone for centuries for casting the wrong spell on the wrong day! What's so bad about the occasional ritual and sacrifice? Spill some blood here, take a heart out there and you get yourself the power of the gods! Sounds like a fair deal to me! They all whine about torturing and killing, but isn't that what human society is? Aren't all our achievements built on suffering and bone? Cripes, where would the two of us be if there wasn't human misery! Eh, don't give me that look, I am sure you've heard worse..."

"Anyways, all that is well and good, but there is one thing every warlock needs to achieve their true potential: a pact. You got to contact some ancient entity and join there team to get the real good stuff. Common trash always freaks out about making pacts with demons and 'selling your soul,' but that's how you get places. You don't get to wield absolute power until you sign your name on the right human skin scroll. I wanted a piece of that, and so did my brothers, but we weren't going to sell our selves to just any demon. We wanted something with real weight, an entity that no one else could even rival. If we joined with Glar'Blax the Horrible like every other warlock, what good would that do us? So we spent ages scouring the land for the perfect host, some being that nobody else had joined with and one that could grant us magic this realm had never seen! After a while, it seemed like a lost cause. We came up with zip. Nada. Nothing. But fate guided our hands and we found a tattered scrap that spoke of the Slavering Void, the Abyssal Queen of Want, the very Empress of Oblivion! Word of her hadn't been spoken in centuries, and relics of hers were said to have been destroyed long ago. This was an entity that hadn't been mentioned in this realm for thousands of years! And we had a lead! Right then and there, we decided she would be the perfect host. It was too perfect to pass up! To be the servant of the Empress of Oblivion! The whole world would tremble at our power! We used all that we had to follow the trail and track down that ancient tome, but we finally located it. With it in hand, we would be able to summon her and sign the pact. Ultimate power would be ours, but sharing it started to sound a little bothersome. What good was it if a bunch of other losers had it as well? In the end, I was the only one to make it out of that wretched temple, the rest of those fools honorably sacrificed themselves to fill the bellies of her rotted guardians. With that, the book was mine and soon the power to bring this land to its knees would also belong to me. How naive I was..."

"I was so excited when the ritual worked, when that connection between our realms opened up. To see a fraction of her form, to hear her very voice! It was like all my childhood dreams were coming true! I don't think I breathed once as I went on and on about swearing myself to her and being her eternal servant. I praised her, bowed to her and used every piece of flattery I could think of to win her over. When she said she would consider this pact, my heart nearly exploded in my chest. At last! All that I dreamed of! But first, she had some questions. I didn't think it odd at the time, nearly every pact has to have some agreement. I figured she was just getting an idea of how much power to give me, or how I could best serve her agenda of destruction and hunger. I barely listened to the questions, I agreed to everything and said I would be the best vessel ever. 'How good are you in a position of authority?' The absolute best, my Queen! 'Are you good with disciplining others when needed?' None shall escape my justice, just say the word! 'Can you combat retaliation? Are you able to hold up to pressure?' I am an unbreakable wall for you, my Empress, none shall get in your way! And so on and so on. I said what she wanted to hear, confident I would be granted everything I ever wanted. At last, she deemed me worthy and said I would wield the most precious thing to her! Oh, here it comes! Infinite power! The might of gods! The very maw of the cosmos! And what do I get? This little WORM!"

"She drops off this slug of hers and starts laying out the rules to me, all while I stand there speechless. They eat at this time, they go to bed at this time and no more than three treats between meals! Make sure they eat their special food and no staying up late! Here is their carrier, their toys and favorite plushie, and I packed extra snacks. Contact me through here if there is trouble, but until then Mommy needs to get some rest. And POOF! That was it! No super magic for me! No immortality or power beyond imagine, just this little brat and their list of demands! It's horrible, demeaning, obnoxious! They fuss over their food, they whine when they drop their toys and they hate when I have to enforce curfew! Speaking of food, do you have the...Excellent. Thanks. Here you go you little bugger, now eat up. Also Mommy wants you to eat these carapaces she packed, so you best get to chowing. Don't bellyache to me! Mom said so, so do it! Anyways, I get stuck with this little squid here and no powers to show for it. I think it is an absolutely wretched job, but guess who sold their soul for it?! Me in my infinite genius signed on as an eternal servant for her, without even considering what that could mean. I always assumed you would be their speaker, their hand, a servant to spread their power and influence! But no! She wants me to babysit her kid and probably take out the garbage! Unbelievable! So I have been doomed ever since to lug this squid around, making sure they eat their food, mind their manners and don't go to bed too late. Bad enough when you have to do it with human kids, but this little thing can do more than shout and stomp their feet. They are certainly the child of Oblivion, and Want too! Always want, want, want! I want this, I want that! Gimme, gimme, gimme! And if they don't get what they want, then they throw a fit and start slinging magic and warping reality! Little thing wanted to play with a horse and carriage we rode once and I said no. We had places to be, and if I let them play with it then they would want to take it with us as a toy. End result? Horse implodes into a searing star of blood and unleashes a gravitational wave of gore that leveled the stable and every soul inside it. So I was kicked out of THAT town for eternity! Oh, don't look so worried, they are more agreeable when they are eating. Pushing them around your plate won't make them disappear, you have to eat them! Your mom already got on me for skipping them last week, so please just choke them down so I don't suffer! If you do it, you can have an eye candy for a treat, okay? Good. Cripes!"

"Now I know what you are thinking, that this gig isn't going to last forever. Babysitting is a temporary job, at some point Mom has to come home and take care them herself, right? A couple hours for her to get some alone time and then I am off the hook, right? Yes, but there is a catch there. This gig isn't a permanent one, only when she needs to take care of things or go to the freaking spa or whatnot, but you forget what time frame we are working with here! Humans? Minutes, hours, days. Beasts from beyond? Well, seeing that a century is a power nap for them, I would say I am not going to be relieved of duty for some time! The last time she popped in to check on things was three months ago, and all I got afterwards was a 'I will be back soon!' A time frame would be nice, oh mighty Queen! So until then, I got to tote them around and take care of them, without a moment for myself! You think a creature capable of dissolving buildings would be fine to leave alone for a few minutes, but NOPE! One day, I had had enough of it. All the whining and appeasing was driving me mad, so I called it quits for an hour. Set up a little playpen at the inn, filled it with toys and candy, dropped them inside and went on my way. I just wanted a drink and maybe some relaxation. Something to get that infernal crying out of my head! So I found a bar and made myself a resident. Two drinks turned to three and then six. I was having a wonderful time losing all my senses, when SHE showed up. Get a call inside my skull asking me whats going on. I say everything is fine and they are just down for a nap, so I let them be for just a second. I tried every explanation and excuse, but she cut through all of them. I have no clue why she needs a babysitter if she is so freaking omnipotent! Can't watch your kid yourself, but the second I cut loose, she is on me! Of course she is furious I left them alone for a couple hours, and she decides to teach me a quick lesson. Buddy, you don't know pain until someone opens a gnawing abyss in your chest cavity. Uugh, I swear I can still feel it. Fill these back up for me? You are a fine lad, the best! Drinking around the kid? Oh they don't mind. They are probably twenty times the drinking age anyw- I see you hiding those in your napkin! Eat them or no candy! Every day with this kid, I swear..."

"I will say this though, it isn't all bad. Turns out I did get some of that ancient powerful magic I was hoping for from the deal. The catch is that it is all in this little worm. They have the power they inherited from their Mom, and my pact allows me to harness some of it. I get to borrow some of their abilities and magic, and they almost make this torture worth it! I absolutely vaporized one of my old professors at the mage academy without hardly trying! Decades of reading and paperwork, old man, how did those help you then!? When they tried arresting me for obliterating that horse barn, I used some of that power to get away easy! They never knew what hit them! It is exhilarating to wield and incredible to behold, but only when this little brat is in a good mood. Turns out I can't control the power if they won't let me, so if they are in a fuss I get absolute squat. So I got myself a temperamental grimoire here, that only gives me godhood when they have their plushie or if they think it is fun. Not the worse deal, but I sure would like something a bit more reliable! How many scrapes I have had to crawl my way out of because they were in a foul mood at the time! I left their favorite rattle at the inn once, so when I had to deal with a horde of bandits they just gave me guff! Had to use every trick I knew to squeeze out of that disaster! Little monster should be grateful! All the battles we went through with a random amount of magic, and they come out with hardly a scratch each time! You know why? Because I nearly kill myself every time to make sure they don't get hurt! You think Mom was mad when I left them alone for an hour? Imagine what she would do if they got a real injury! A scrape and cut is no big deal for beings like this, but if they get actually hurt, she would pull my soul apart piece by piece! Or maybe she would just take them back and obliterate this entire continent, I got no clue. I just never want to find out!"

"So what does this mean for me? I got no clue. Just got to watch the lil' squid til Mom comes and pick them up. I pray I get a reward at the end of this, though honestly a full night's sleep would be all that I truly want. Whining, crying, constantly needing entertainment...I think I am going to need to join an adventuring guild just to find enough stuff to keep them happy. Maybe if I can get into a band of mercenaries or 'heroes' or whatever, then I can find some relief. Pawn this little thing off on one of them for a few hours so I can finally get some peace! You know any places around here that has something like that? I once thought of a daycare or nursery, but the employees nearly shot me on sight when I showed up. So maybe a group of fools will take me in, with the promise of incredible power that I can provide. Well, only sometimes, but they don't need to know that. Get me one more drink? There's a good man! I can't live without this medicine! And look at that, you finally ate it all! See? That wasn't so terrible! Now here is dessert, but don't tell Mommy. This is a pact between us! You give me power and eat your food, and you get treats! Best deal you can ever make! So you are saying down by Main Street? On the west or eas- NOW what's the problem!? What? It's Bilefruit flavored! That is your favorite kind of eye candy, why are you fussing?! You don't like Bilefruit!? SINCE WHEN!? You liked it yesterday! It was your favorite, now you hate it?! Oh no you don't! You want another piece, huh? Is that the scheme we are pulling here? Pretend you don't like it so you get an extra helping? Well, that isn't going to work! You eat it or get nothing at all! Your Mom would have me atomized if she heard I was giving you so much candy, so don't gripe! Pouting won't help you, so- hold up whoa whoa KID NO! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! BARKEEP! BARKEEP RUN! OH GODS WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!? CUT THAT OUT! YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! OH GODS I AM SO SORRY, MAN! SEND IT BACK! SEND IT BACK, YOU LITTLE WORM! ACK! WE ARE STILL IN THIS BUILDING, YOU IDIOT, STOP CONTORTING IT! OH GODS! FINE! TAKE THE CANDY! TAKE IT!"

"Welp, banned from this town too. When we are stuck sleeping on the streets, you better not be whining...."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dahr'Maht, The Endless Watcher"

I feel like if I ever played D&D, this would be the nonsense I would try to play as.

Description

"Before you even say anything, here is a hundred pieces. You let me stay and they're all yours. I just....I just need a drink. A real drink! Please, its been a long day and nowhere else lets me in! I promise I won't make trouble and I will make sure they don't either. Thank you, kind sir, thank you so much. I am at wits end here and need something strong to keep me sane. I will have two steins of your strongest stuff, and also a plate of chicken gizzards and any other junk meat you got. Organs, cartilage, whatever you got, they ain't picky. Here's your coin for that, and you can keep the change if you are willing to hear me vent. Ah, you barkeeps are a godsend! You hear our woes and grant the cure. Bottoms up to that!"

"Ah! Just what I needed! You would not believe what I got to put up with! This little...well, I guess it will make more sense to you if I start at the beginning. Should be pretty obvious that I am sort of a magic fellow. Was always interested in it at a young age, thought it was the greatest stuff in the world. I dreamed of shooting hellfire from my hands, lifting houses with my mind and flying with nothing more than a word. So when I was shown to have a knack for the magics and whatnot, I was ecstatic. When I learned what magic really was, that kind of killed the mood. Dusty books and ancient scrolls, all bound by a mountain of rules and laws. You can't do this without having that, you aren't allowed to cast until your level thirty whatever and no spells during off hours! And when we were allowed to use magic, it was the lamest stuff imaginable! Learn to lift a quill! Learn to sprout a seed! Make something change color! What a bore! I was ready to leave it all when I found a group who shared my misery. They hated all the paperwork and fancy doodads, and sought to get their hands on real magic. The second I heard that, I was all about it. Long story short, I wound up joining a group of warlocks and took up their lifestyle. At the time, I didn't regret it at all. I finally got to use some real deal magic, and do all the things those stuffy mages said were 'primitive' and 'uncouth.' Bunch of snobs, they turn their noses up at using sacrifices and blood magic, but then are totally fine with imprisoning someone for centuries for casting the wrong spell on the wrong day! What's so bad about the occasional ritual and sacrifice? Spill some blood here, take a heart out there and you get yourself the power of the gods! Sounds like a fair deal to me! They all whine about torturing and killing, but isn't that what human society is? Aren't all our achievements built on suffering and bone? Cripes, where would the two of us be if there wasn't human misery! Eh, don't give me that look, I am sure you've heard worse..."

"Anyways, all that is well and good, but there is one thing every warlock needs to achieve their true potential: a pact. You got to contact some ancient entity and join there team to get the real good stuff. Common trash always freaks out about making pacts with demons and 'selling your soul,' but that's how you get places. You don't get to wield absolute power until you sign your name on the right human skin scroll. I wanted a piece of that, and so did my brothers, but we weren't going to sell our selves to just any demon. We wanted something with real weight, an entity that no one else could even rival. If we joined with Glar'Blax the Horrible like every other warlock, what good would that do us? So we spent ages scouring the land for the perfect host, some being that nobody else had joined with and one that could grant us magic this realm had never seen! After a while, it seemed like a lost cause. We came up with zip. Nada. Nothing. But fate guided our hands and we found a tattered scrap that spoke of the Slavering Void, the Abyssal Queen of Want, the very Empress of Oblivion! Word of her hadn't been spoken in centuries, and relics of hers were said to have been destroyed long ago. This was an entity that hadn't been mentioned in this realm for thousands of years! And we had a lead! Right then and there, we decided she would be the perfect host. It was too perfect to pass up! To be the servant of the Empress of Oblivion! The whole world would tremble at our power! We used all that we had to follow the trail and track down that ancient tome, but we finally located it. With it in hand, we would be able to summon her and sign the pact. Ultimate power would be ours, but sharing it started to sound a little bothersome. What good was it if a bunch of other losers had it as well? In the end, I was the only one to make it out of that wretched temple, the rest of those fools honorably sacrificed themselves to fill the bellies of her rotted guardians. With that, the book was mine and soon the power to bring this land to its knees would also belong to me. How naive I was..."

"I was so excited when the ritual worked, when that connection between our realms opened up. To see a fraction of her form, to hear her very voice! It was like all my childhood dreams were coming true! I don't think I breathed once as I went on and on about swearing myself to her and being her eternal servant. I praised her, bowed to her and used every piece of flattery I could think of to win her over. When she said she would consider this pact, my heart nearly exploded in my chest. At last! All that I dreamed of! But first, she had some questions. I didn't think it odd at the time, nearly every pact has to have some agreement. I figured she was just getting an idea of how much power to give me, or how I could best serve her agenda of destruction and hunger. I barely listened to the questions, I agreed to everything and said I would be the best vessel ever. 'How good are you in a position of authority?' The absolute best, my Queen! 'Are you good with disciplining others when needed?' None shall escape my justice, just say the word! 'Can you combat retaliation? Are you able to hold up to pressure?' I am an unbreakable wall for you, my Empress, none shall get in your way! And so on and so on. I said what she wanted to hear, confident I would be granted everything I ever wanted. At last, she deemed me worthy and said I would wield the most precious thing to her! Oh, here it comes! Infinite power! The might of gods! The very maw of the cosmos! And what do I get? This little WORM!"

"She drops off this slug of hers and starts laying out the rules to me, all while I stand there speechless. They eat at this time, they go to bed at this time and no more than three treats between meals! Make sure they eat their special food and no staying up late! Here is their carrier, their toys and favorite plushie, and I packed extra snacks. Contact me through here if there is trouble, but until then Mommy needs to get some rest. And POOF! That was it! No super magic for me! No immortality or power beyond imagine, just this little brat and their list of demands! It's horrible, demeaning, obnoxious! They fuss over their food, they whine when they drop their toys and they hate when I have to enforce curfew! Speaking of food, do you have the...Excellent. Thanks. Here you go you little bugger, now eat up. Also Mommy wants you to eat these carapaces she packed, so you best get to chowing. Don't bellyache to me! Mom said so, so do it! Anyways, I get stuck with this little squid here and no powers to show for it. I think it is an absolutely wretched job, but guess who sold their soul for it?! Me in my infinite genius signed on as an eternal servant for her, without even considering what that could mean. I always assumed you would be their speaker, their hand, a servant to spread their power and influence! But no! She wants me to babysit her kid and probably take out the garbage! Unbelievable! So I have been doomed ever since to lug this squid around, making sure they eat their food, mind their manners and don't go to bed too late. Bad enough when you have to do it with human kids, but this little thing can do more than shout and stomp their feet. They are certainly the child of Oblivion, and Want too! Always want, want, want! I want this, I want that! Gimme, gimme, gimme! And if they don't get what they want, then they throw a fit and start slinging magic and warping reality! Little thing wanted to play with a horse and carriage we rode once and I said no. We had places to be, and if I let them play with it then they would want to take it with us as a toy. End result? Horse implodes into a searing star of blood and unleashes a gravitational wave of gore that leveled the stable and every soul inside it. So I was kicked out of THAT town for eternity! Oh, don't look so worried, they are more agreeable when they are eating. Pushing them around your plate won't make them disappear, you have to eat them! Your mom already got on me for skipping them last week, so please just choke them down so I don't suffer! If you do it, you can have an eye candy for a treat, okay? Good. Cripes!"

"Now I know what you are thinking, that this gig isn't going to last forever. Babysitting is a temporary job, at some point Mom has to come home and take care them herself, right? A couple hours for her to get some alone time and then I am off the hook, right? Yes, but there is a catch there. This gig isn't a permanent one, only when she needs to take care of things or go to the freaking spa or whatnot, but you forget what time frame we are working with here! Humans? Minutes, hours, days. Beasts from beyond? Well, seeing that a century is a power nap for them, I would say I am not going to be relieved of duty for some time! The last time she popped in to check on things was three months ago, and all I got afterwards was a 'I will be back soon!' A time frame would be nice, oh mighty Queen! So until then, I got to tote them around and take care of them, without a moment for myself! You think a creature capable of dissolving buildings would be fine to leave alone for a few minutes, but NOPE! One day, I had had enough of it. All the whining and appeasing was driving me mad, so I called it quits for an hour. Set up a little playpen at the inn, filled it with toys and candy, dropped them inside and went on my way. I just wanted a drink and maybe some relaxation. Something to get that infernal crying out of my head! So I found a bar and made myself a resident. Two drinks turned to three and then six. I was having a wonderful time losing all my senses, when SHE showed up. Get a call inside my skull asking me whats going on. I say everything is fine and they are just down for a nap, so I let them be for just a second. I tried every explanation and excuse, but she cut through all of them. I have no clue why she needs a babysitter if she is so freaking omnipotent! Can't watch your kid yourself, but the second I cut loose, she is on me! Of course she is furious I left them alone for a couple hours, and she decides to teach me a quick lesson. Buddy, you don't know pain until someone opens a gnawing abyss in your chest cavity. Uugh, I swear I can still feel it. Fill these back up for me? You are a fine lad, the best! Drinking around the kid? Oh they don't mind. They are probably twenty times the drinking age anyw- I see you hiding those in your napkin! Eat them or no candy! Every day with this kid, I swear..."

"I will say this though, it isn't all bad. Turns out I did get some of that ancient powerful magic I was hoping for from the deal. The catch is that it is all in this little worm. They have the power they inherited from their Mom, and my pact allows me to harness some of it. I get to borrow some of their abilities and magic, and they almost make this torture worth it! I absolutely vaporized one of my old professors at the mage academy without hardly trying! Decades of reading and paperwork, old man, how did those help you then!? When they tried arresting me for obliterating that horse barn, I used some of that power to get away easy! They never knew what hit them! It is exhilarating to wield and incredible to behold, but only when this little brat is in a good mood. Turns out I can't control the power if they won't let me, so if they are in a fuss I get absolute squat. So I got myself a temperamental grimoire here, that only gives me godhood when they have their plushie or if they think it is fun. Not the worse deal, but I sure would like something a bit more reliable! How many scrapes I have had to crawl my way out of because they were in a foul mood at the time! I left their favorite rattle at the inn once, so when I had to deal with a horde of bandits they just gave me guff! Had to use every trick I knew to squeeze out of that disaster! Little monster should be grateful! All the battles we went through with a random amount of magic, and they come out with hardly a scratch each time! You know why? Because I nearly kill myself every time to make sure they don't get hurt! You think Mom was mad when I left them alone for an hour? Imagine what she would do if they got a real injury! A scrape and cut is no big deal for beings like this, but if they get actually hurt, she would pull my soul apart piece by piece! Or maybe she would just take them back and obliterate this entire continent, I got no clue. I just never want to find out!"

"So what does this mean for me? I got no clue. Just got to watch the lil' squid til Mom comes and pick them up. I pray I get a reward at the end of this, though honestly a full night's sleep would be all that I truly want. Whining, crying, constantly needing entertainment...I think I am going to need to join an adventuring guild just to find enough stuff to keep them happy. Maybe if I can get into a band of mercenaries or 'heroes' or whatever, then I can find some relief. Pawn this little thing off on one of them for a few hours so I can finally get some peace! You know any places around here that has something like that? I once thought of a daycare or nursery, but the employees nearly shot me on sight when I showed up. So maybe a group of fools will take me in, with the promise of incredible power that I can provide. Well, only sometimes, but they don't need to know that. Get me one more drink? There's a good man! I can't live without this medicine! And look at that, you finally ate it all! See? That wasn't so terrible! Now here is dessert, but don't tell Mommy. This is a pact between us! You give me power and eat your food, and you get treats! Best deal you can ever make! So you are saying down by Main Street? On the west or eas- NOW what's the problem!? What? It's Bilefruit flavored! That is your favorite kind of eye candy, why are you fussing?! You don't like Bilefruit!? SINCE WHEN!? You liked it yesterday! It was your favorite, now you hate it?! Oh no you don't! You want another piece, huh? Is that the scheme we are pulling here? Pretend you don't like it so you get an extra helping? Well, that isn't going to work! You eat it or get nothing at all! Your Mom would have me atomized if she heard I was giving you so much candy, so don't gripe! Pouting won't help you, so- hold up whoa whoa KID NO! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! BARKEEP! BARKEEP RUN! OH GODS WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!? CUT THAT OUT! YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! OH GODS I AM SO SORRY, MAN! SEND IT BACK! SEND IT BACK, YOU LITTLE WORM! ACK! WE ARE STILL IN THIS BUILDING, YOU IDIOT, STOP CONTORTING IT! OH GODS! FINE! TAKE THE CANDY! TAKE IT!"

"Welp, banned from this town too. When we are stuck sleeping on the streets, you better not be whining...."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dahr'Maht, The Endless Watcher"

I feel like if I ever played D&D, this would be the nonsense I would try to play as.