HOME | DD

Description
I try to sleep, but my eyes are open.
I can’t think cause my heart is broken.
There’s a bottle right next to me.
I’ll down a few drinks just to take the pain away...

I stood idly towards the back of the room, my ears assaulted by the sounds of sobbing people. My shoulders tensed slightly, as a person started walking towards me, but turned to go hug and make conversation with someone else. No, I couldn’t be spoken to right now. I was so afraid that if I dare open my mouth, then only things that would come out would be strangled sobs and words of truth. The only thing that could be rushing through my mind right now was the ivory coffin across the room, covered in flowers of all sorts and colors. I hadn’t gone to see the man lying coldly in yet. No, I don’t think I could. But I had to see him one last time, even if his lungs weren’t breathing, if his heart wasn’t beating, if those blue eyes I loved so much weren’t open and gleaming with delight and life. I glanced around the room from behind my glasses, my head down as the mop of brown hair atop my head fell to halfway cover my face. Family and friends surrounded me, all wearing suits and dresses, clad in ebony. Then there was me; Dressed in the way he would’ve wanted me to. A simple, blue hoodie with a pair of jeans and converse. I dare smile gently to myself, but it turned out sorrowful. He wouldn’t have wanted me to get all dressed up. With a deep, shaky sigh I turned towards the wall, bringing a silver flask from my hoodie pocket. I could care less if the others saw me drink, but not him. Even if his life was gone, and his eyes were closed, I know he could see me somehow. I just needed something to dull this hurt in my heart... Surely he could understand.

I wanna say all the things I need to say.
I won’t lie; I’ll just tell them honestly.
If God can take a friend away from me,
Then I can say all I want and He won’t do anything...

I felt a slow, unsure tap on my shoulder, and I hid the flask once more. I turned to see two older people in front of me: A blonde man with green eyes, and a blonde woman with smokey blue eyes. “Ryan? You were Felix’s friend... Right?” the woman spoke quietly, and I avoided her gaze. This was surely his parents. He was a perfect mix of them. But those bright eyes... They were on the wrong body. I felt my heart constrict, and nodded. “I am.” I murmured simply, swallowing hard at the lump in my throat. “We miss him so much.” Felix’s father pitched in, placing a hand on my shoulder. “If I can help with any moving or anything, let me know.” I whispered, clearing my throat. Though I knew if I even smelled the scent that could only be described as Felix, or saw something that was his, I would burst into tears. “Thank you.” his mother gave a watery smile, and she wiped her eyes. “Have you seen him yet? He looks so... Handsome. Like he isn’t even sick.” she broke off into a sob, burying her face into her husband’s shoulder. He pursed his lips into a thin line, before nodded a quick “excuse us” to me and moving away. I felt the lump form again, and swallowed hard and painfully. I sighed, saying now or never quietly in my head. I slowly shuffled towards the half open coffin, which wasn’t as surrounded as before. Only two or three people as the end, admiring the flowers and pictures. “God... Dammit...” I whispered under my breath, as the blonde came into a cold view. I wasn’t religious, so I didn’t care much. I could say whatever I wanted... God had the nerve to take someone I loved so much away... Then it shouldn’t matter.

My tongue is weak and every time I try to speak I can’t say nothing at all.
Sleep well, my friend. There will be another moment we’ll meet again.
Just let it go.
Sleep well, goodnight. You’re something to remember.
I wish that you were here by my side....

I stood beside the coffin, my hands in tight fists, my teeth gritting so hard it hurt. He was just like his mother said. You couldn’t even tell he was sick. I cleared my throat to suppress a sob, staring down at the lifeless blonde man lying in the silk, his hair brushed carefully to the side, hands crossed over his stomach. I reached a shaky hand up and slid my fingers against his cold flesh, taking his hand lightly. He looked so peaceful, like he was in a needed slumber. My lips trembled slightly, tongue darting out to wet them again. I felt the heat rise in my chest, and my throat constrict. No, it would do me no good to hold back the tears. But I know he wouldn’t want to see me crying, not like this. I leaned down, trembling slightly. “I hope you know I miss you. So damn much.” I whispered, my hot breath ghosting over a cold cheek. “I see they put makeup on you. You look fabulous as always.” I whispered, finally feeling an unfamiliar wetness slid down my cheeks. I sniffed, then felt a hand on my shoulder. I stood straight once more, my hand never leaving the lifeless Swede’s. “How’re you doing, Cry.” a voice asked, and I turned to see someone I hadn’t expected: Scott. He smiled slightly. “You look surprised to see me... I decided it was for the best to see him, even though we aren’t close. Plus, you need support.” he murmured quietly, trying his best to smile for me. “T-thanks.” I managed, but it was cut off by my voice cracking and breaking. I squeezed Felix’s hand lightly. Scott let out a quiet sigh. “I’ll leave you to him. Say goodbye.” he whispered to me, bringing me close to a quick hug for comfort. I nodded lightly against his shoulder, and he pulled away before walking off to talk to someone else. “I’m going to see you again.” I whispered, rubbing my thumb against the back of his hand. Like I said, I wasn’t religious. But it was so comforting to know that maybe, one day, me and Felix could meet again in some paradise... Where he wouldn’t be hurting anymore. “I wish you were here, though.” I whispered, trying to chuckle off the pain miserably. “I’ll see you again.”

I spend hours trying to make it through the day.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same.
It’s hard enough when you’re alone in the city that you love.
Now Atlanta’s just a burial ground...

Hours passed, people left, and only few remained in the funeral parlor. A man dressed in a suit came up to me, and smiled. He must’ve worked here. “Are you his brother?” he asked, motioning to Felix. I almost smirked; We had no similarities, but if you squinted I guess our bodies were shaped the same. I was a lot smaller than Felix, though. “No.” I murmured, looking down at him. The man nodded. “A lot of people are going to miss him... Would you like to hear the poem we picked out for the service?” the man asked, looking at me with a sympathetic smile. I brushed my thumb over Felix’s hand again, not having moved it since it was placed there. “Alright.” I whispered, closing my eyes with a deep sigh. He cleared his throat, then drew a slip of paper from his jacket pocket. “Someone so dearly loved. So popular with his friends. We should not cry forever, for this is not the end.” he paused as I glanced up, a sorrowful smile crossing my lips. It was very true, what he said. “His memory lives amongst us, times we both laughed and cried. I cannot bare to lose him, but one day, we all must die.” he continued, adjusting the paper in his hand. My grip tightened on Felix’s, and I stifled a sob. Everything about what he read was so true, so sickeningly true, that it was almost like I had wrote it myself. “I hear his voice within me, and his funny little laugh. So many things remind me; Of times that are now gone past.” I couldn’t hold on much longer. I let out a sob, sniffing as dried tear tracks were covered by new ones. “Please, keep reading.” I whispered, gazing down at Felix. That had put blush on his face, so it added a warmth to his body was wasn’t there. “I knew of no-one who hated him, he was the apple of every eye. Any conflicts, we all once had are now by the by.” he finished, then stuffed the paper back in his pocket. “I hope you enjoyed that. I’m so sorry for the loss.” he murmured, then walked off. I let out a sob, clearing my throat as tears dripped from my eyes like blood when a scab had been ripped off. “Ryan...” an extremely familiar female voice came up, and I glanced over to see Marzia, clothed in black that didn’t match her at all. “I couldn’t bare see him...” she whispered, choking out a sob as she wiped her eyes. “How are you, Marzia?” I asked quietly, wiping my eyes. My chin still quivered with held back whimpers. “Alright.” she whispered, but it was surely a line. “And you?” she asked low, placing a hand on the side of Felix’s face and brushing her thumb over his cheek. “Under these circumstances, quite well.” I whispered, figuring if she lied, then I could too.

My tongue is weak, and every time I try to speak I can’t say nothing.
Nothing at all.
It’s hard to think when losing someone only makes you want to scream...
And now that you’re gone...

Sleep well, my friend.
There will be another moment we’ll meet again.
Just let it go.
Sleep well, goodnight.
You’re something to remember.
I wish that you were here by my side...

I watched as Marzia nodded, and look down. Her veil of hair hid her face, but I could hear soft sobs coming from behind the curtain. I exhaled quietly, feeling tears burning in my own eyes. But I had no urge to cry. I sniffed, reached up my free hand to cup Felix’s. A sudden flash of emotion erupted in me. Felix was dead. I would never see the shine of his eyes again, I would never see his smile or hear his laughter and voice again. It was over. I looked down, trembling with sobs that racked my body as I broke down. The term too young to die never meant so much to me right now than it ever did. “F-Felix...” I sobbed, and started feeling hands on my shoulders and back. I only recognized a couple voices, telling me that it would be okay. I could’ve screamed, cried, hit something... Agony was pushing it’s way through my body like a train, and it hurt like hell. I finally faded into nothing but whimpers, the occasional cry. “We all missed him very much.” I recognized the voice as Felix’s father. Not as much as I did, I thought to myself. No one could understand what I was going through right now. No one ever could. “You’ll see him again.” these words kept filling my ears, and I wanted to believe them. Maybe Felix got into Heaven, and if I played my cards right I could get there, too.

Oh, rest in pieces...
I can’t believe this...
A mother shouldn’t witness her son die at twenty-four.
(Please take notice, these word are hopeless. It's ripping me apart and I can't take it anymore.)
I will hold my tongue for the rest of my life.
I can’t keep this up anymore.

Sleep well, my friend
There will be another moment we'll meet again, just let it go.
Sleep well, goodnight
You're something to remember. I wish that you were here by my side

By my side...
By my side...
By my side...

But I’m not a patient man. I don’t want to wait. I wasn’t going to commit suicide... I’d hurt too many people. I just wanted to see Felix again. I... I don’t want either of us to die. To be dead. I just want to live my life like it was before. Before Felix got sick, and... I just want it to be a bad dream. No, this was too vivid and real... This was too much. This was real, no matter how badly it felt like a nightmare. I just couldn’t accept that this was it. I heard another voice now. “We’re all going to miss him badly.” Felix’s mother whispered into my ear, and a tremor of whimpers passed through my body. I could hear her start to cry again, but it became muffled as he husband pulled the woman against her chest. I went quiet after a moment, as I calmed. “You never told him, now you never can.” I whispered to myself. Of course, no one could ever miss Felix like I did. It would always be my secret to hold now... Never would it reach another human’s ears. It was meant for him only. Guilt washed over me. Angst washed over me. Sickening dread washed over my being. I crossed my arms over the edge of the casket, a hand still on Felix’s as I leaned my forehead down, using my arm as a pillow. I glanced up to look at Felix’s face once more. I smiled sadly. He was just sleeping. And this was just a nightmare. I chuckled, miserable. He was just sleeping. “Wake up.” I whispered, smiling with great sorrow. “It’s time to wake up.” I whispered, squeezing his hand. A final sob racked my body, and I let out a tired sigh. I had surely cried all my tears away. No, no one could miss Felix like I did. No one would ever understand.

Sleep well, goodnight.
You’re something I’ll remember.
I wish that you were here by my side...

Description
I try to sleep, but my eyes are open.
I can’t think cause my heart is broken.
There’s a bottle right next to me.
I’ll down a few drinks just to take the pain away...

I stood idly towards the back of the room, my ears assaulted by the sounds of sobbing people. My shoulders tensed slightly, as a person started walking towards me, but turned to go hug and make conversation with someone else. No, I couldn’t be spoken to right now. I was so afraid that if I dare open my mouth, then only things that would come out would be strangled sobs and words of truth. The only thing that could be rushing through my mind right now was the ivory coffin across the room, covered in flowers of all sorts and colors. I hadn’t gone to see the man lying coldly in yet. No, I don’t think I could. But I had to see him one last time, even if his lungs weren’t breathing, if his heart wasn’t beating, if those blue eyes I loved so much weren’t open and gleaming with delight and life. I glanced around the room from behind my glasses, my head down as the mop of brown hair atop my head fell to halfway cover my face. Family and friends surrounded me, all wearing suits and dresses, clad in ebony. Then there was me; Dressed in the way he would’ve wanted me to. A simple, blue hoodie with a pair of jeans and converse. I dare smile gently to myself, but it turned out sorrowful. He wouldn’t have wanted me to get all dressed up. With a deep, shaky sigh I turned towards the wall, bringing a silver flask from my hoodie pocket. I could care less if the others saw me drink, but not him. Even if his life was gone, and his eyes were closed, I know he could see me somehow. I just needed something to dull this hurt in my heart... Surely he could understand.

I wanna say all the things I need to say.
I won’t lie; I’ll just tell them honestly.
If God can take a friend away from me,
Then I can say all I want and He won’t do anything...

I felt a slow, unsure tap on my shoulder, and I hid the flask once more. I turned to see two older people in front of me: A blonde man with green eyes, and a blonde woman with smokey blue eyes. “Ryan? You were Felix’s friend... Right?” the woman spoke quietly, and I avoided her gaze. This was surely his parents. He was a perfect mix of them. But those bright eyes... They were on the wrong body. I felt my heart constrict, and nodded. “I am.” I murmured simply, swallowing hard at the lump in my throat. “We miss him so much.” Felix’s father pitched in, placing a hand on my shoulder. “If I can help with any moving or anything, let me know.” I whispered, clearing my throat. Though I knew if I even smelled the scent that could only be described as Felix, or saw something that was his, I would burst into tears. “Thank you.” his mother gave a watery smile, and she wiped her eyes. “Have you seen him yet? He looks so... Handsome. Like he isn’t even sick.” she broke off into a sob, burying her face into her husband’s shoulder. He pursed his lips into a thin line, before nodded a quick “excuse us” to me and moving away. I felt the lump form again, and swallowed hard and painfully. I sighed, saying now or never quietly in my head. I slowly shuffled towards the half open coffin, which wasn’t as surrounded as before. Only two or three people as the end, admiring the flowers and pictures. “God... Dammit...” I whispered under my breath, as the blonde came into a cold view. I wasn’t religious, so I didn’t care much. I could say whatever I wanted... God had the nerve to take someone I loved so much away... Then it shouldn’t matter.

My tongue is weak and every time I try to speak I can’t say nothing at all.
Sleep well, my friend. There will be another moment we’ll meet again.
Just let it go.
Sleep well, goodnight. You’re something to remember.
I wish that you were here by my side....

I stood beside the coffin, my hands in tight fists, my teeth gritting so hard it hurt. He was just like his mother said. You couldn’t even tell he was sick. I cleared my throat to suppress a sob, staring down at the lifeless blonde man lying in the silk, his hair brushed carefully to the side, hands crossed over his stomach. I reached a shaky hand up and slid my fingers against his cold flesh, taking his hand lightly. He looked so peaceful, like he was in a needed slumber. My lips trembled slightly, tongue darting out to wet them again. I felt the heat rise in my chest, and my throat constrict. No, it would do me no good to hold back the tears. But I know he wouldn’t want to see me crying, not like this. I leaned down, trembling slightly. “I hope you know I miss you. So damn much.” I whispered, my hot breath ghosting over a cold cheek. “I see they put makeup on you. You look fabulous as always.” I whispered, finally feeling an unfamiliar wetness slid down my cheeks. I sniffed, then felt a hand on my shoulder. I stood straight once more, my hand never leaving the lifeless Swede’s. “How’re you doing, Cry.” a voice asked, and I turned to see someone I hadn’t expected: Scott. He smiled slightly. “You look surprised to see me... I decided it was for the best to see him, even though we aren’t close. Plus, you need support.” he murmured quietly, trying his best to smile for me. “T-thanks.” I managed, but it was cut off by my voice cracking and breaking. I squeezed Felix’s hand lightly. Scott let out a quiet sigh. “I’ll leave you to him. Say goodbye.” he whispered to me, bringing me close to a quick hug for comfort. I nodded lightly against his shoulder, and he pulled away before walking off to talk to someone else. “I’m going to see you again.” I whispered, rubbing my thumb against the back of his hand. Like I said, I wasn’t religious. But it was so comforting to know that maybe, one day, me and Felix could meet again in some paradise... Where he wouldn’t be hurting anymore. “I wish you were here, though.” I whispered, trying to chuckle off the pain miserably. “I’ll see you again.”

I spend hours trying to make it through the day.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same.
It’s hard enough when you’re alone in the city that you love.
Now Atlanta’s just a burial ground...

Hours passed, people left, and only few remained in the funeral parlor. A man dressed in a suit came up to me, and smiled. He must’ve worked here. “Are you his brother?” he asked, motioning to Felix. I almost smirked; We had no similarities, but if you squinted I guess our bodies were shaped the same. I was a lot smaller than Felix, though. “No.” I murmured, looking down at him. The man nodded. “A lot of people are going to miss him... Would you like to hear the poem we picked out for the service?” the man asked, looking at me with a sympathetic smile. I brushed my thumb over Felix’s hand again, not having moved it since it was placed there. “Alright.” I whispered, closing my eyes with a deep sigh. He cleared his throat, then drew a slip of paper from his jacket pocket. “Someone so dearly loved. So popular with his friends. We should not cry forever, for this is not the end.” he paused as I glanced up, a sorrowful smile crossing my lips. It was very true, what he said. “His memory lives amongst us, times we both laughed and cried. I cannot bare to lose him, but one day, we all must die.” he continued, adjusting the paper in his hand. My grip tightened on Felix’s, and I stifled a sob. Everything about what he read was so true, so sickeningly true, that it was almost like I had wrote it myself. “I hear his voice within me, and his funny little laugh. So many things remind me; Of times that are now gone past.” I couldn’t hold on much longer. I let out a sob, sniffing as dried tear tracks were covered by new ones. “Please, keep reading.” I whispered, gazing down at Felix. That had put blush on his face, so it added a warmth to his body was wasn’t there. “I knew of no-one who hated him, he was the apple of every eye. Any conflicts, we all once had are now by the by.” he finished, then stuffed the paper back in his pocket. “I hope you enjoyed that. I’m so sorry for the loss.” he murmured, then walked off. I let out a sob, clearing my throat as tears dripped from my eyes like blood when a scab had been ripped off. “Ryan...” an extremely familiar female voice came up, and I glanced over to see Marzia, clothed in black that didn’t match her at all. “I couldn’t bare see him...” she whispered, choking out a sob as she wiped her eyes. “How are you, Marzia?” I asked quietly, wiping my eyes. My chin still quivered with held back whimpers. “Alright.” she whispered, but it was surely a line. “And you?” she asked low, placing a hand on the side of Felix’s face and brushing her thumb over his cheek. “Under these circumstances, quite well.” I whispered, figuring if she lied, then I could too.

My tongue is weak, and every time I try to speak I can’t say nothing.
Nothing at all.
It’s hard to think when losing someone only makes you want to scream...
And now that you’re gone...

Sleep well, my friend.
There will be another moment we’ll meet again.
Just let it go.
Sleep well, goodnight.
You’re something to remember.
I wish that you were here by my side...

I watched as Marzia nodded, and look down. Her veil of hair hid her face, but I could hear soft sobs coming from behind the curtain. I exhaled quietly, feeling tears burning in my own eyes. But I had no urge to cry. I sniffed, reached up my free hand to cup Felix’s. A sudden flash of emotion erupted in me. Felix was dead. I would never see the shine of his eyes again, I would never see his smile or hear his laughter and voice again. It was over. I looked down, trembling with sobs that racked my body as I broke down. The term too young to die never meant so much to me right now than it ever did. “F-Felix...” I sobbed, and started feeling hands on my shoulders and back. I only recognized a couple voices, telling me that it would be okay. I could’ve screamed, cried, hit something... Agony was pushing it’s way through my body like a train, and it hurt like hell. I finally faded into nothing but whimpers, the occasional cry. “We all missed him very much.” I recognized the voice as Felix’s father. Not as much as I did, I thought to myself. No one could understand what I was going through right now. No one ever could. “You’ll see him again.” these words kept filling my ears, and I wanted to believe them. Maybe Felix got into Heaven, and if I played my cards right I could get there, too.

Oh, rest in pieces...
I can’t believe this...
A mother shouldn’t witness her son die at twenty-four.
(Please take notice, these word are hopeless. It's ripping me apart and I can't take it anymore.)
I will hold my tongue for the rest of my life.
I can’t keep this up anymore.

Sleep well, my friend
There will be another moment we'll meet again, just let it go.
Sleep well, goodnight
You're something to remember. I wish that you were here by my side

By my side...
By my side...
By my side...

But I’m not a patient man. I don’t want to wait. I wasn’t going to commit suicide... I’d hurt too many people. I just wanted to see Felix again. I... I don’t want either of us to die. To be dead. I just want to live my life like it was before. Before Felix got sick, and... I just want it to be a bad dream. No, this was too vivid and real... This was too much. This was real, no matter how badly it felt like a nightmare. I just couldn’t accept that this was it. I heard another voice now. “We’re all going to miss him badly.” Felix’s mother whispered into my ear, and a tremor of whimpers passed through my body. I could hear her start to cry again, but it became muffled as he husband pulled the woman against her chest. I went quiet after a moment, as I calmed. “You never told him, now you never can.” I whispered to myself. Of course, no one could ever miss Felix like I did. It would always be my secret to hold now... Never would it reach another human’s ears. It was meant for him only. Guilt washed over me. Angst washed over me. Sickening dread washed over my being. I crossed my arms over the edge of the casket, a hand still on Felix’s as I leaned my forehead down, using my arm as a pillow. I glanced up to look at Felix’s face once more. I smiled sadly. He was just sleeping. And this was just a nightmare. I chuckled, miserable. He was just sleeping. “Wake up.” I whispered, smiling with great sorrow. “It’s time to wake up.” I whispered, squeezing his hand. A final sob racked my body, and I let out a tired sigh. I had surely cried all my tears away. No, no one could miss Felix like I did. No one would ever understand.

Sleep well, goodnight.
You’re something I’ll remember.
I wish that you were here by my side...