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FallacyMuse — White Flag
Published: 2005-06-19 18:11:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 76; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
I’m levitating…Part of the smog that surrounds my passion
There will always seem to be some kind of obscure,
Uncanny way to strike me
Some way to kill me
But not quite
Not quite sobre
Not making sense
Not knowing what to say—
Whether or not to move
Longing and regret for what was
And the cruel thought of what never will be again.
The weight inside me drags me down
Like a black hole sucking away the light from my universe
…What I once held close is no longer there
Just a void, and a loss
And a fusion of tears, pain and rage
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Comments: 8
eep! sorry! da gave me problems! it posted a dbl -_-
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S'ok. Thanks for the comment. That WAS one of my shoddier works, I have to say. *nod*
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"not quite sobre..." --> like sober?
I actually really like that stanza. says a lot. To me, that stanza just SOUNDS more honest than the rest. Kind of like you're laying your cards on the table letting everyone see.
I dont really think the end is all that bad. The first stanza however is rather abstract. I sat for awhile trying to understand what you were trying to say. "Part of the smog that surrounds my passion//There will always seem to be some kind of obscure" --> these two lines bother me both. I'm not sure what it is that makes it bothersome. They are good lines, I'm just not sure if they fit so well into the poem.
Anyway, apart from all that...tis quite good. a nice read. i'm glad you're posting more - it's something I should do soon... blah. I'm in a bit of a drought at the moment regarding...creativity
so yes, all good! well done.
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"not quite sobre..." --> like sober?
I actually really like that stanza. says a lot. To me, that stanza just SOUNDS more honest than the rest. Kind of like you're laying your cards on the table letting everyone see.
I dont really think the end is all that bad. The first stanza however is rather abstract. I sat for awhile trying to understand what you were trying to say. "Part of the smog that surrounds my passion//There will always seem to be some kind of obscure" --> these two lines bother me both. I'm not sure what it is that makes it bothersome. They are good lines, I'm just not sure if they fit so well into the poem.
Anyway, apart from all that...tis quite good. a nice read. i'm glad you're posting more - it's something I should do soon... blah. I'm in a bit of a drought at the moment regarding...creativity
so yes, all good! well done.
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a fusion of a great many things...
are these burdens what you choose to carry?
...or what you cannot give up?
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Sometimes you find comfort in "burdens" like those all because of the desperation to feel something at all.
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Wow, thanks!!! I don't know, I kind of feel like it hangs a bit, but I'll fix it some time.
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