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My feet were so heavy against the pavement. Like the sidewalk was glue, and each step was a struggle to pull my foot out and move it forward. The shoelace flapped noticeably whenever I took that step, and then was still. All I could think about on my way down the sidewalk was my stupid shoes. They're covered in mud too. And I wanted to focus on the pain engulfing my back. Because it was a feeling. The wounds had covered themselves in scabs that oozed this pale white liquid constantly. But they were still so sore to the touch.

I had told Destri that I was going to the 7 Eleven nearby for another monster. He gave me my space and let me go alone when I said I needed time to think things over. He was worried for me. About my future. Maybe my emotions. But the strange thing is that I'm not worried. I don't feel anything. Just empty. Like a void that stuff is being thrown into, but they just disappear, or go away or something. And I think it's weird that this isn't scaring me. Like, I know I should be freaked out. But I don't feel that at all. The only thing I know is that I have to get rid of this numbness.

I stopped walking, adjusting the scarf around my neck. I'm not even nervous, I thought, as I turned to the trees about twenty feet from me. Tall grass separated us, swaying peacefully back and forth. With the soothing green, the grey of the sky above threatening rain, the brown and orange and red of the leaves changing their colours, all gave me peace for a moment. I was calm. And I liked it. For a second I felt something.

But it was gone. And I knew what I had to do.

I didn't see anyone along the treeline, but I knew that he would be waiting for me. So I braved the waves of grass to rush through them into the woods with newfound energy. It was very dark now, with the combination of the clouds and the overpowering leaves. My pace slowed as I began to wander through the leaves and colours. It looks like one of those paintings you'd find in a coffee shop. Soon I came to a stop. I had no idea where I was, and I didn't care either. All that mattered was that I wasn't in a populated area. I wasn't where people were. Because people feel something, and I can't deal with that right now. Destri's face full of pity is staring at me, in my head. After I got kicked out. But I just... it just doesn't feel right.

"You came of your own will."

I came out of my daze to see Jeff standing under one of the red trees. His carved smile was as bloody, scabbed, and dripping as ever, upon his paper white skin. But I still felt nothing until I saw his eyes. Wide, lidless, brown, staring at me and never looking away. A shiver ran down my spine and I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. The pain from the scars renewed itself with intensity, as though he'd just inflicted them. This is good. I'm feeling something. "Yeah," I managed to get out, my eyes still shut. "I... um, I need to tell you something. First," I opened my eyes to stare him directly in his. "Were you serious about the friend thing?"

"...Yes." He didn't blink. Didn't move.

I sighed out and breathed back in heavily again. There was still a slight sense of fear that had my brain panicking a bit. But it definitely wasn't as strong as when I'd first seen him. "Then could you just-"

My cell phone rang. I tensed, and he didn't move. "Answer," he said calmly in that raspy voice. I slipped it out of my pocket and answered it.

"Hi, I believe this is Alex?" It was a male.

"Yeah," I said, breathing out. It was so cold I could see my breath hanging in the air.

"Well I'm Nick, the manager of Abnormal Dress Code, and I believe you applied to work here this morning. I wanted to let you know that I would love to have you as an employee, but first would like to interview you. If you're still interested, would you mind coming over tomorrow afternoon?"

I replied that I wouldn't, and I'd be there tomorrow afternoon no problem, and I couldn't wait to start. But after I clicked the phone shut, I didn't feel excitement. I didn't feel anything. It still felt the same.

"Shouldn't you be happy?" Jeff husked out, tilting his head at me curiously but otherwise showing no emotion.

I sighed and lowered myself slowly onto the dirt through the falling leaves. "I don't feel anything," I said, rubbing my temples, not caring how he'd known the conversation. The fear I had of Jeff hadn't left, just subsided. "I think it's bad not to feel anything. Something's wrong."

Silence. I think if I were normal me, not going through an "I'm-a-robot" phase, I'd feel uncomfortable. Well, terrified of Jeff, probably crying some more like I always do. But the silence would feel bad. I'd be thinking something like, Oh my gosh I just said something like that to Jeff. I just said anything to Jeff. But right now it feels calm.

"Take off your jacket."

I did so without even thinking. I knew what he was going to do. But I didn't care. I think... maybe I welcomed it. A feeling. Even if it was a bad feeling, it's something. Because the bad feelings are the easiest to feel.

He shuffled over to me and knelt down, repositioning the knife that I hadn't previously noticed in his hand. "Hold out your arm." I did so. It was strange seeing him this close in this amount of light. It made him look less frightening and more sick. Like the unfortunate carrier of some rare disease that made the skin boil and scab over. And then somehow your eyelids fall off and your eyes are void of pupils. I don't know how that last part would work.

"Look at me." I looked up into his eyes from behind my bangs. They were emotionless as always. But staring into them I felt that fear run through my veins, my heart pumping the adrenaline into my body, up to my head. Good. "No matter what don't look away." I nodded, panting for air. It had suddenly been so hard to feel any emotion, and now I was full of it.

And then it increased. By so much. An involuntary yell escaped my lips as the blade dug into my flesh. I didn't look away, didn't close my eyes, but I could feel them watering over. Oh, it felt so good to cry with feeling. It hurt so much, and the hurt felt good. He slipped it out slowly, never taking his eyes from mine, and moved up a little higher on my forearm to press it in again. The blood seeped quickly out from both cuts, crawling around to the underside of my arm and dripping down into the dirt. It was such a soothing feeling, being hurt. So soothing to know that I have something to live for.

He did it three more times before removing it from my skin for the last time. The brain-tickling lightheadedness was taking over, and my eyelids were trying to force themselves shut. Don't fall asleep. Enjoy all of this while you can. Jeff steadied me as he lay me back into the damp leaves. Leaves everywhere. My vision is filled with leaves, and Jeff's voice, saying, "Come when needed."

My arm is still bleeding. I could feel it and my back as well. It felt horrible. The pain was horrible.

Good.