HOME | DD

flamemc — Milestone

Published: 2003-11-07 12:21:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 60; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 9
Redirect to original
Description Really not sure about this, I could do with some help. I have an idea of what I think is wrong with it, but I'm saying nothing yet. You tell me! (Please, as it's causing me pain)
Related content

flamemc - trio

flamemc - ways

flamemc - city lines

flamemc - city lines II

flamemc - M6.22.2

flamemc - in motion

flamemc - nephew

flamemc - Hieroglyphics

flamemc - simple pleasures

[ TEXT ]


CurtAndRoland - What never was

[ TEXT ]


NinaTheWolfe - 20FEB26: Keyhole

[ TEXT ]


reckerson - space opera

Fantasy-Vault - Boys in Berlin around 1920 [🤖]

VitoriaA-4Art - Echoes of Enslaved Voices [🤖]

ArtSignature - Two Benches Under the Tree Sunset Hue [🤖]

rushofart - D'une langeur monotone [🤖]

tamnitok - Clayman II
Comments: 13

dragonflykiss [2003-11-08 22:50:44 +0000 UTC]

ok well, i like it, especially the first stanza. i do think those other suggestions fit though. but really, this is good.
:0)

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

flamemc In reply to dragonflykiss [2003-11-09 16:15:07 +0000 UTC]

Thanks DFK, the middle stanzas are under rewrite though, hopefully it will make it better.

N

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

zphoenixdownz [2003-11-07 18:14:25 +0000 UTC]

you have good race imagery at the beginning, but then you lose it progressively. the race was the hook for me... after it was gone, i didn't feel like reading anymore because you fell into a big pit of gooey abstracts.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

flamemc In reply to zphoenixdownz [2003-11-08 08:00:54 +0000 UTC]

Agreed.

I will work some more on this I think. Thank you for your candour.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zphoenixdownz In reply to flamemc [2003-11-08 18:46:56 +0000 UTC]

no prob

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

malignancy [2003-11-07 18:10:27 +0000 UTC]

"Not by any stretch

of an overactive imagination."

I could see those together, but that's just me. For all I know you intended for them to be apart like that. But I love the words you put in to describe things. Convoluted is an awesome and forgotten word. I really love reading your stuff and feel that even though there are sometimes errors that we'd like to not have there, they're important poems still and so with many brave things to say as well as wise. Not too many people have that gift of wisdom and being smart...I think you have the gift of both....not to say patience as well.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

flamemc In reply to malignancy [2003-11-08 07:59:11 +0000 UTC]

Too, too kind. I think I'll make you President of my fan club if this keeps up!!!

Seriously though, I appreciate your kind comments.

Nik

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

malignancy In reply to flamemc [2003-11-08 22:49:12 +0000 UTC]

Sometimes I think I only know how to say nice things...although in person, most would say otherwise.lol

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

vglory [2003-11-07 12:49:25 +0000 UTC]

I get what you are saying, but the language is in limbo -- neither pleasing nor deliberately jarring. Maybe it should be moved more clearly in one of those directions. Some redundancies ie start -- starter's pistol, could be removed without obscuring the message.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

flamemc In reply to vglory [2003-11-07 13:13:54 +0000 UTC]

Hmm, neither pleasing nor deliberately jarring, fair point. Given me something to think about.

Thanks for the critique.

N

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Sarcastig [2003-11-07 12:47:52 +0000 UTC]

Nice! it does have a couple of problems (the "start"and "starting"near to each other in the second stanza don't really sound right, the first sentence of the third stanza lacks coherent rythm, maybe change it too "falt more tha heard" or something, and I'm not sure about the ending), but it's nothing that couldn't easily be fixed. The first stanza is absolutely wonderful, and the whole poem really evokes a certain feeling well.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

flamemc In reply to Sarcastig [2003-11-07 13:12:30 +0000 UTC]

I didn't see the start-starting problem, good point.

Third stanza is a problem I agree.

Thanks for commenting and for the critique.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Sarcastig In reply to flamemc [2003-11-07 17:37:28 +0000 UTC]

your welcome, thank you for the comment on my poem, I agree about the corny comment, it's so done before, like something blowing across the street in movies to indicate that the city is desolate...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0