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fragilefacade — Tranquil Desperation
Published: 2003-11-20 21:33:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 119; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 10
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Description
The sun engulfs the eyelids,As slowly as I wake,
And teases every movement,
And every breath I take.
As quickly as I’m falling,
I cannot seam to fake.
So desperate to hold on that,
I miss my every break.
The colors are amazing.
Vivid and frightening; bright.
They mesmerize my vision,
And poke fun at my sight.
No matter how I hide it,
I cannot feel I’m right.
I close my eyelids roughly,
And tell myself goodnight.
If happiness depresses,
When will I smile inside?
The bed sheets are collapsing.
They pull me like the tide.
If I cannot admit it,
I wont have to confide.
I’d rather wake forever,
Than know that I have died.
© Sylwia Wielgosz 2003.
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Comments: 19
I daresay you're talented. How you wrapped up the poem is absolutely delish--something to be proud of. And since you're poetically inclined, you might appreciate this. I promise, it isn't porn.
Lovely.
Meow.
~The Notorious Miss Amanda
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Thank you for the complement and comment. I read the poem and I like it very much. I believe in that message somewhat strongly, I might add. I'm glad you recognized that that was what I meant by "I'd rather wake forever, / Than know that I have died."
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You write wonderfully. Conveying emotion/tales in a couple of lines is a tough-task. This is to be commended (cuz simpletons abound!).
Just keep up these li'l lovelies.
Meow.
~The Notorious Miss Amanda
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From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
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You're more than welcome.
Meow.
~Amanda
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the ending is very beautiful, as is the concept. nice work
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excellent. i really like the way you worte this. beautiful.
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The bed sheets are collapsing.
They pull me like the tide.
my favorite lines. this is very well-written. good job!
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ive been tring to write something like this but havent got it 100%, i think you catpured that entire hazy out of body experince well but to exapnd on xandrique comments, i do feel the rhymind hinderd the poem, i think you really wanted to capture that out of body experince the barriers of strucutre and conformifty must be collasped, and you must write in a shape which also describes and shows your feelings.
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I guess I wasn't very open when I wrote it. That's what my block has been about lately. I've closed myself off and I'm trying to open again. Thank you for the comment.
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This has some good images in it, but the rhyming kind of gets in the way of it reaching a really good climax (which I think is what this poem really needs). It's an interesting choice of rhyme, and it worked out in the first stanza but the rhythm was a little bit off in a lot of the rhymes of the second and third stanza.
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Thanks for the comment and suggestions.
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