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fragilemacabre β FixingEveryHabitThatIBreak2
Published: 2006-02-14 03:05:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 172; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Taken by Molly.I SO do not smoke every day. Or even close to it. Once or twice a month. I'm not about to go and spend mad money on cigarettes. I ain't beat.
I hate matches. Fo serious.
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Comments: 35
It's blurry, but I love the colors.
...And Bayonne. XD
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Ha, that was taken in Jersey City.
Thanks for the comment.
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Naw just meant because that's where you're from, as is where most of my family lives.
I go to school in Jersey City.
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oh, where? i do too.
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Guess. :]
It's a Catholic School.
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Gah...
That didn't take very long. X]
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lawls.
you know taylor mills?
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I'm not familiar with is, but I'm not from the area.
Curse my out-of-towny-ness!
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that's actually a girl in your school. XD
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It was meant to read "who that is", but I fail at life.
No, I don't think I know her personally, but I probably would on sight.
It's not like the place is all that big. XD
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Short blonde hair, indie chick.
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Senior with a cool tattoo?
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A cool tattoo? Singular? Try like... five. XD
Yeah, her.
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Hah...I've only ever seen one, but the uniforms do have that lovely tendency of covering every bit od bear skin possible.
I don't really know her. She's in my Art History class and I see her around all the time. She seems pretty cool, though.
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She has a show coming up. Go to myspace.com/taylormills and listen.
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Umm...She's grrrreat.
And I was not aware of this.
Why?
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No clue. *shrug*
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That makes two of us.
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You are too young to...?
Me no speak German.
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Well, literally- 'you appear so young'.
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You look so young.
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That's cos I am...?
I'm only sixteen. And a half.
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I know, it's just... I forget how different everything is. Was, is, whatever.
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Explain what you mean.
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I don't *know* what I mean, which is why I'm not saying it. The pictures just make me a little sad.
Well, the pictures, or the not-sleeping, the latter more likely.
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They make me sad too. I like how I look in them minus the goddamn cigarette, actually. But Molly liked the way I was standing. It's very candid... I had such trouble lighting the fucking cigarette. Matches are a bitch. I guess it's funny, showing the incongruity between my bad habits and my successful execution of them.
Personally, I'm very old for my age because I've had to be. And teenagers are growing up too fast. It IS different for us than it has been for previous generations, because of this wonderful (used half-sarcastically) invention of the Internet and the collective lack of attention span.
I'm not... I guess displaying them makes it seem that I have pride in my actions, i.e., the smoking, and the drinking, and the nihilism that accompanies. But I DON'T. I mean... it's my life, that's why I have it up. That IS me. What I do. Knowing its stupidity.
"But then night rolls around and it all starts making sense:
There is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live.
And so I do what I do and at least I exist;
what could mean more than this?"
--Bright Eyes
I hope that made sense.
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Made perfect sense. I suppose when I look at them, I remember that 16 wasn't that long ago- shoot, I was 16 the first semester of senior year- and I remember how we all felt so old, so grown-up. The jobs, and smoking, drinking, sex stuff had started, and we starting to live on adult terms, we were partaking in 'grown-up' activities... but I always forget how young we were. I think of high school as populated by my peers as they are now, not as they were then, perhaps.
Teenagers are growing up too fast; they were a few years ago, too. You've said you're not proud of your actions, so I wouldn't suggest you were... it's just that I always forget how young we all really were in high school.
Mental age nonwithstanding.
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Age is weird.
And I keep thinking back to my eighth grade year... our group of friends solidified then... in fact, there is hardly anyone in my life who I am now close to whom I did not know by sixth grade, and most of them I didn't know until seventh.
We've all changed. I used to be this "punk/goth" straightedge kid. All of our friends have undergone these radical changes. One boy, I hardly recognise in pictures from seventh and eighth grade, even freshman year of high school. The dynamics are all shifted. Two of our group are in different schools; two best friends, both girls ridiculously fucked in the head, and one of them beloved by most of us, to varying degrees.
And now the clichΓ© "the more things change, the more they stay the same." Because for all the trappings I've out on and discarded, I am perhaps more in tune with who I'vew always been. Because my friends keep repeating their lovely vicious cycles, and are only now beginning to recognise and break them.
I think it's necessary that teenagers experience the adult world in a still very childlike bubble. One of my friends was skipped up a year in school, and his emotional maturity is very low, though his intellectual maturity is insane. His parents are overprotective Filipino immigrants and quite frankly, this boy will be in serious shit the first time he goes to a college party. He will drink too much and he will beat someone up and it will be bad, because he doesn't have the experience from his younger years.
This is why my pseudoboyfriend calls me "the rambling goddess."
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Strictly among people I first came across in real life, it's the same for me. Some of my closest friends now I knew in sixth grade, in terms of names, faces, a little personality, but we didn't all come together as friends until high school. Comparing some people in my graduating class until how they were the beginning of sixth grade was... interesting. Now, my closest met-first-IRL friends are all at different colleges, some having moved away over the years anyway, but we keep in touch.
"Because for all the trappings I've out on and discarded, I am perhaps more in tune with who I'vew always been."
Exactly. Who you are isn't "who you are at the moment," it's that bit of spirit that never changes, and that's always a part of whatever identity you assume. There's more to it; you're not JUST that bit of spirit, certainly, you ARE the person you are at the moment (and the person others know you as), and in a way, you're everything you have always been and ever will be; but it's that spirit that gives others something to know you by, something to hold on to as you change. It's being defined by abstraction (a librarian and fan of Brand New and other cringeworthy music today, but your tendency to ramble that might last well past tomorrow).
The childlike bubble... well, there's no other way to do it, really. The curiousity of children is necessary to break through to the adult world; certainly, I'd not have wanted to grow up if it was all about being an accountant, but oh, the freedom! The cool trappings! The woman-body (every little girl wants to have a figure, or at least, I did). Your friend, and no offense, should not have been skipped if his emotional maturity is that low; his parents and teachers and the principal and guidance counselor should have discussed it at some point, should have seen that he might be brilliant, but wasn't emotionally ready to be a year ahead (I HATE decisions based purely on one variable when the one(s) it impact(s) most aren't fully considered). If he could skip in high school (was this in high school?), he could've been skipped a grade when he was younger; it's easier that way, trust me. Plus, ooh, 'guys mature later than girls'. I'd forgotten! Ah well, he'll have friends- enough people don't grow up at all.
I actually had to cut this down because I was going more off-topic than I may have, so don't worry about ranting.
Goddess already? Hm, I suppose you're your own own secret shrine, then?
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I hate you. You copied my spelling errors and made fun of my music. DIE!!
Kiiiding.
Yeah. Goddess. Shrines in a few households.
A lot of girls DON'T want a figure. My ideal weight is around where I am now, 130-ish, but my best friend, who is only a couple of inches shorter than me, wants to be around 115 or 110. She's currently more than that, more than me, because her bone structure is rather wide and much less weight on her would just stretch her skin over her bones. It scares me that girls don't want a figure... I mean, some do, and guys love a little ass (oh dear, they love ass...), but girls get squicked out. WHY?!
He was skipped in second or third grade. He's just... weird.
Blah. Head hurting. I got my rambling out on the pseudoboyfriend already.
Peace, G.
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To be fair, I probably copied the mistakes because it was o'dark thirty when I wrote that.
Mmm, I feel better when I weigh less, but even though I'm tall, I have a small frame; being in the middle of the 'normal' weight range for my height looks pudgy on me (I gained 35 from bad meds once, before we figured out what was wrong). Some girls do look sexy with more weight; I use the 'face test' I made up to decide if a girl is within a normal weight- if her face looks fat, it's too much, but all lot of curvy girls have beautiful faces and voluptuous bodies, and I can't imagine they'd look anything better than disgusting losing weight. Toothpick legs? Not attractive.
Don't hurt your head! /stop rambling Later!
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haha... good pic... wish you could see your face better
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