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fragilemacabre — a star for you
Published: 2005-06-25 21:08:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 100; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 8
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Description
You want something beautiful,something so good it makes
your teeth hurt, so brilliant you
hardly notice your eyes are burnt
down to charred marbles.
If only I could make you such a
thing, or anything akin to it.
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Comments: 4
I really love the first stanza, especially "hurt, so brilliant you
hardly notice your eyes are burnt
down to charred marbles."
But the ending is a little sketchy for me. It doesn't really flow and feels almost essayish. especially the word "akin". I don't know.
Good though.
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The first line isn't very good in the sense that it doesn't convince the reader that this is going to be an enjoyable poem (and I don't like the title much), either. Fortunately I kept on reading, as I really liked that "so good it makes your teeth hurt" image. The brilliance image seemed a bit exaggerated compared to it, but wasn't bad either.
I can't help thinking the poem feels like it was originally longer and you shortened it quite a bit (in both stanzas), but still I like the brevity and the ending isn't abrupt in a way that would bother me.
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It wasn't any longer than it is here. This is a first draft, which has been ususual for me as of late. Thanks for the comment.
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