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fragilemacabre — a void
Published: 2006-01-07 21:12:32 +0000 UTC; Views: 211; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 7
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Description It's not the death itself, she said.

In fact, she said, I want to know the hiss
of gunmetal in the instant before it hits
skin, the pressure of water filling up
my lungs like too much oxygen.

It's not the death itself, but rather
the fear of what may be missed.
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fragilemacabre - palmistry
Comments: 12

drowning-slowly [2006-03-14 14:59:26 +0000 UTC]

I dont want to miss a thing becasue I've missed too much already.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fragilemacabre In reply to drowning-slowly [2006-03-14 21:18:35 +0000 UTC]

Exactly.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

drowning-slowly In reply to fragilemacabre [2006-03-14 21:38:58 +0000 UTC]

i love you sooz

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

car1ita [2006-01-13 02:06:27 +0000 UTC]

This is awesome.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fragilemacabre In reply to car1ita [2006-01-13 02:20:44 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, and thanks for the fave.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

SparrowSong [2006-01-10 04:42:00 +0000 UTC]

Good assonance throughout; I'd remove the second "she said", and if it's not obvious that 'she' is the one speaking, you could even combine the first five stanzas into one, or use quotation marks to offset what she's saying. 'gunmetal' and 'water filling up' are coming across as awkward rhythmically- you may want to smooth them in your reworkings, and I'd like an 'or' between the two methods of killing oneself.

As for content, heh. That's the reason my dad told me he'd never kill himself- he wants to know how things turn out.

Ne, I like it.

a void/avoid intentional?

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fragilemacabre In reply to SparrowSong [2006-01-10 21:53:05 +0000 UTC]

Shall fix, and I have your most recent poetry waiting to be read in my devBox.

It's about non-suicide, yep.

Thanks for liking.
Quite intentional.

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SparrowSong In reply to fragilemacabre [2006-01-11 00:43:58 +0000 UTC]

Don't thank me for liking things, or I'll have to start thanking you for writing them, and then it gets all mushy in here.
Thought so.

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JesseSmith [2006-01-08 14:59:46 +0000 UTC]

Me likey.

Especially "the pressure of water filling up
my lungs like too much oxygen."

In fact I think the second stanza is completely awesome how it is, and the other parts-if anything at all-could use work.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fragilemacabre In reply to JesseSmith [2006-01-09 23:33:01 +0000 UTC]

Whole thing will be reworked. I have hopes for it, though I originally submitted it just so my ID wouldn't be the last sumbitted piece.

Thanks for the favourite!

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diamondie [2006-01-08 01:16:42 +0000 UTC]

I think it appeears a bit unfinished, the second stanza sounds more like a sketch than a finished poem to me. But the concept is good and you have worded it powerfully. With a little more work it could be a great and I think it's worth that work.

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fragilemacabre In reply to diamondie [2006-01-09 23:37:07 +0000 UTC]

You have an almost unerring ear for these things. I cut the poem's last lines off because they were much to awful to show anyone.

I'll definitely start working on this, then start on the many other poems you've commented on (much appreciated comments, by the by).

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