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today i drink beers i don't really want
to drink with a friend
for an occasion i don't
want to drink to, and neither does he

tonight we will forget these problems,
or he won't and i'll try to erase them with force,
and i'll call my boyfriend when i'm coming home
later than i thought, later than he'd like

tomorrow i'll work early, leave quietly
evade detection and pray
for quiet and calm and satisfaction,
pay my rent and wash the silverware.

this is not what i wanted at fifteen,
those ideals and longing,
earnest words that seemed clumsy
but now i recognize their strength.

this hindsight is useless
when all i want is some mindless
comfort, your arms, a song,
anything to ward off the chill
of october and bad dreams.